Extra Innings by Steve Nazarian - Short, Horror - A mother tries to hide from her son the real reason why his father couldn't make it to the baseball game with them. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

I found the story to be something of a let down.  For starters, your logline builds up some mystery, but you reveal it right away.  And the story doesn't seem to really do anything.  You don't explain Eddie's sudden appearance, which really needs explanation..  I feel as if I'm missing something....


Phil

Hi Steve,

I thought this was well written and interesting.  That said, like Phil, I was a bit confused byt he re-appearance of Eddie.  Why would he end up in heaven after doing what he did?  Who knows, maybe he gets in because of some crazy loophole, or because someone makes a mistake.  I would have liked to have known more about that.

For a minute, I thought that you were equating a long extra innings game, not as heaven, but hell, but that wouldn't explain why Billy was there, or Claire for that matter.  Plus it seems like you are a baseball fan, so that wouldn't make sense.  haha.

Anyway, on the positive side, I thought you did a nice job with the announcer's dialouge.  I think that is easier said than done.  Overall, I thought it was a good job, but I would like a little more info on Eddie and how he ends up at the game.

Craig

Thanks for reading guys!

Phil: I think it's sloppy writing on my part :(

The basic story is a kid wondering why his dad couldn't be at the game and his mom lying to him about being in prison. The twist is we eventually see him put to death for their murder... which means they are in heaven.... until the husband shows up who hates extra innings and we realize they are in hell. She's gonna be stuck in those seats next to that bastard forever.

I had a longer version where the basic story was clear as a bell but unfortunately also telegraphed the twists too much so I cut a lot out and made things more vague. In doing so I think I made it too vague and will try to restore the balance of twists vs. story in the re-write.

Craig: You got what I was going for (extra innings = hell). Eddie is there for murder and his wife is there for having an affair. I will make her less of an angel in the re-write... perhaps she was sleeping around town. Billy on the other hand is a MAJOR plot hole! I gotta find a way to patch that up. Maybe Billy has done some bad things as well...

Thanks again for reading, I appreciate the feedback :)

I like this story except why would billy be with eddie. The wife maybe I could see that but what did billy do to be with him?

Billy could be there because he commited suicide after seeing his dad kill his mom, and his mom having an affair with Richard.