The Dark by Steve McDonell (stevie) - Short, Fantasy - A mysterious warning drives a man to the brink of insanity... - pdf, format 8)

Exceptionally uninspired title, and while there is a time for SS-inspired scripts, I do not think this is that time.

Some of the humor is amusing, in an absurd sort of way, more skit-like than true horror -- but then descends into raunchiness that I found less funny.  I mean, a magic wand from his ass?  Come on.

I felt like you were not really trying to produce a serious entry, and there will be a lot of entries, so I am kind of disappointed for the first one I read.

This one earns a D.

Bit of a misfire for me, this one.

I commend you for putting the available props in there, but they seemed to come up almost at random and the story was built around them in a rather haphazard fashion.

Seemed more like a comedy than a fantasy to me as well, and didn't really fit the mood of what the challenge was about.

Hello A,

Initially, I thought I'd disagree with the comments of bert and decadence, two reviewers I tend to agree with, but then the script sort of took a wrong turn. To be honest, it just meandered along without any sense of cohesion after a bright start. IMO, you chose the easy way out with the ending.

The one clear thing is that you can write, but it felt like you didn't really give too much to this - almost as if you lost your way with it and though "f**k it". Some amusing moments, though.

Andrew

I thought this was a fun read. It's obvious the author didn't take it too seriously and niether did I.

I enjoyed the haphazzard, tacked together feel of the script. Given the story, itself, it's fitting. And the random use of availble props was a hoot.

Given that most of these scripts will have a dark tone -- which at some point, for me, anyway, is going to get tedious, a little levity here and there isn't a bad thing.  

THE DARK

A tongue-in-cheek parody of the limited number of props available from Moviestorm.

Felt way too forced as the story went along to check off each prop even the BADGEM WALLET. It might have been interesting if many of the props had actually been used rather than just mentioned in dialogue.

Very creative as an idea (I did chuckle once or twice) but needs better execution.

GARY

EDIT: Maybe if it had been done as a treasure hunt?

Not a lot here, really. I smiled a couple of times, but it wasn't funny enough to make it a worthwhile parody. I agree with Gary; your execution let you down.

In every OWC there are a handful of entries that clearly haven't taken it seriously - this is one of those. And, like I say, this just isn't funny enough to be worth it.

"Theme: The Dark -  A complete story that sheds light into the darkest reaches of the mind, into deepest shadows of the imagination and into the blackest void at the end of the universe.

Genre: horror, supernatural thriller, fantasy, or science fiction"

That was the assignment. You totally missed that.

Other than that though, I thought it was okay. Quick read with amusing parts and a clever idea. I was a bit annoyed however at the capitalizations of the props in the dialogue.

Not so sure I liked how you portrayed Cornetto though. I've never heard him use that word before, but I enjoyed that he was the director.

Hmmm.

This one seemed lazy to me.  Actually, the idea with the beggar and Darcy basically being the end to himself is pretty well thought out.  But those two concepts are drowned out in a series of silly randomness.  A nice effort with trying to get all the props in here, but it just seemed over the top and unnecessary.  By the end when Darcy's "ending" was revealed, it felt like you just gave up.  

As I said, there's some good skeletal stuff in here and some of the humor was amusing, but this missed the mark for me.  Sorry.

Greg

What the hell? Is this a comedy? I'm really confused and don't know what to make of this script. Some of dialog is flat out HORRIBLE. Unless you meant for it to be bad, maybe you were trying to be funny, but that's also a problem. Comedy isn't the genre for this OWC.

Some of the stuff that happened was just random. Like when Leila pulled out a knife and started carving wood mid-sentence. WTF?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Wow. I think I like this script after reading Leila's comments about her pussy and pubic hair. Just... WOW. Hilarious.

A christmas party in April!? My God. Whoever wrote this thing must have been completely baked out of their mind.

This is the most random script I've read. And it's fucking hilarious. Really golden stuff. I really hope you are trying to be funny or I'm gonna feel bad. Too bad the OWC genre isn't Comedy, or this script would be hugely successful.

5/10

~Zack~

Someone' having a little fun here. I'd take a guess, but it's too early. I gotta admit, i laughed out loud a couple of times. It's as if you wrote a story around prop placement. Fun watching them all pop up one by one.

Definitely missed the Challenge criteria, entertaining nonetheless.

James

This is terrible, IMO!  Utter waste of time.

Using the word "arse", kind of points a finger at the author.

I don't see any reason to even say anything else here.  This kind of shit shouldn't even be posted, as it takes away from other serious efforts.

I wish I could pull a wand out of my arse and make this disappear.

This seemed like a case of a writer trying to be too clever for his own good.  It wasn't so much a story as it was an exercise in checking off every possible moviestorm prop.  There was just no coherence at all.  And, it didn't conform to the parameters of the challenge at all.  Even the title is a throwaway.   So, I'm afraid this one didn't work for me.

Damn! Why didn't I think of doing this?
This is obviously a huge pisstake of the challenge, which some of the above reviewers haven't twigged at.
There's some good lines in here, though Leila's constant 'remember' gets a bit grating after awhile.
Maybe the author should've indicated it was a comedy? I seem to recall one like this in a previous OWC, could've been Shelton?

On another note, i didn't think the scripts were being posted till Sunday US time? Good job Don!

Oh boy, I actually laughed out loud for your creativity. You actually put in all of the available props in the script!

I think we all knew who wrote this, and I'm sure the writer is just screwing around with us, as this script doesn't fit the theme at all. Even the writer knows the story doesn't go anyway. Seems like he put down the first thing that comes to his mind.

Nothing much that I can add to the story or characters.

Stevie, this is your script, I know your writing.

I thought there was some funny lines in here, and I understand it was just making fun of the challenge, but we aren't grading it on whether it did a good job of making fun of the challenge, we are grading it on whether it meets the challenge.

So yeah, not much else to say.

Obviously this isn't meant to be taken too seriously and is just taking the piss, so with that in mind I found it entertaining. Even the title of the script made me laugh once I read the story. At first I was like, WTF? Someone actually called their entry The Dark? But after reading the story it just added to the comedy IMO.

In terms of meeting the challenge, obviously it doesn't but it's clear the author didn't intend to. Personally I enjoy the one or two scripts that show up every OWC that are meant to be entertaining, not taken seriously.

Some funny lines in here, the pubic hair bit was classic.

I was looking forward to seeing how the story would end though, because there was actually some suspense built up throughout. But then you went in a different direction. Not sure if that was your intention from the start or a result of the time constraint and you couldn't think of a proper way to end the story. Either way, I enjoyed this one for what it was meant to be and didn't expect it to deliver any more than that.

Cheers,
Tim.

Heh-Heh...Fully expected the guy from the Darkness to make an appearence (Justin "Nuts in a Vice" Hawkins) and the boys...Audience asides are usually a no go, but since this was pretty much an inside joke sort of piece, it works. I hope you submitted something else in addition, though.

Well I'm as irreverent as they come, but IMO, this was not the place for it. When you're given an assignment, you do the assignment.

Reason? Because serious scripts are going to get half the reads that this one gets.

And because this was a really nice opportunity that Don and MCornetto gave everyone. I only hope this author also has a "serious" entry.

Beyond that, I started skimming it once the product placement of props started. And I didn't laugh. This one was a miss for me - sorry.

Ah, so Darcy's a guy. That would have been useful to know for the OS part which was actually more of a voiceover. It's a black sceen.

Anyway, ok, that was just goofy. I enjoyed it because I get a kick out of that sort of comedy, but it was just goofy. I love that the script acknowledged itself though. That's my favorite on screen gag.

What do I say? Anything? Do I care? Nah, it amused me, which was the point.

It wasn't dark though. It needed the Dark Expansion of Magic: the Gathering, and then I would have accepted it, but without the Wizards of the Coast, it's just not Dark enough...

While it's always good to have a little fun once in a while, I just don't think using the OWC for it is the right way to go about it. Yeah, if you stretch it - I mean, really really strecth it - then, sure, it fits the theme. But you really gonna have to want it to. As for the genre? Nah, not even close.

Veiwing the script for what it is...hmm, I found it to be somewhat boring. You start out with two talking heads, then later it becomes four. Talk talk talk. These guys just won't shut up. It's like Del Griffith from Planes, Trains & Automobiles - except not funny. The end was, well, stupid in my opinion because it's taking a shit on the reader.

I'm sorry, it did nothing for me.

This wasn't what I was expecting to read, but I thought it was a cute "spoof" of the "darkness".

Fantasy? No. I don't think so, but it was entertaining for a OWC. Him being afraid of the dark...

You confused me at first with Darcy. I had always thought that was a girl's name. Everytime I read it, I had a hard time thinking of him as a him. Maybe that was your intention. Him being a scaredy cat.  

You used a lot of props, so that was good.

I think it should have more oomph to the comedy though.

Push that funny over the top, and let me know if you do a rewrite. I'd like to read it.

Cindy

Hi guys. Thanks to all who read my script. I know a few people weren't about it so thought I 'd give the back story behind the writing of it.

When the theme and genre were announced, I wasn't online, so arranged for TommyP to text me. When I read, 'the Dark, horror, sci-fi, fantasy, etc', i was stoked to be able to have a crack at a new type of script for me. I started brainstorming immediately, and had some good ideas cooking. Later, online, i found out about the machima part of things. Initially, I was annoyed at this, as I felt it made the OWC too confininf with too many requirements. I had a whinge on the thread, then other people whinged about my whinging, blah, blah, etc.
So i decided to channel my frustration and wrote the pisstake! I thought. 'I'll get this done then see how much time I have to do a 'proper' one. I started a horror one(which I've finished and will be posting in Shorts any day now) but I was sick for the last 2 days of the challenge, so passed on it.

Anyway, I was pretty happy with 'The Dark'. some siad it didn't fulfill the requirements, but it was fantasy(?) and did use the props listed(all of them actually). Hardly any of the other scripts used hardly any of the props, and only a handful were either horror or scifi.
i understand people disliking what I did, but I hotly refute being labelled 'lazy' and 'uninspired'! i searched through a baby name book to find character names that pertained to 'the dark';
I still had to come up with funny lines to make it work(i admit it could have been funnier);
I used the props in the order of how Michael listed them(except the shotgun, I think), so there was nothing lazy about that.
How can it be uninspired when I was inspired to write it?

Anyway, thanks again! Congrats to all who entered, and if I missed yours, I'll get to it soon.
Cheers stevie

Stevie, you lazy, old, unispired goat, you!

What, BTW does "pisstake" mean?

You're funny, dude!

when I saw Dreamscale had posted, i though(gulp), crumbs, I'm knackered! Ol' buddy Jeff is gonna smash me with words!
But i got off lightly...

Pisstake? Yeah, i spose it is an Aussie saying. It means a parody or spoof!

It comes from the expression "Taking the piss out of (someone or something)".

Ha, gotcha.  Funny...you pissers!!!!!

Yeah, thanks Michael, that explains it better. I'm struggling with a bad cold and am off with the fairies today.

Jeff, can u tell me your thoughts on my short, instead of lolling about this thread, being lazy and uninspired?!!

Yeah, I'll E-mail you, but I'm watching the skiing on het Olympics now.

Watched UFC live from the Acer last night!!!!

I'll admit I thought this had some funny moments. I laughed at the pubic hair line, plus a few others. but that was it really.

Everyone else has covered everything. Nothing else to add.

Congratulations on completing the challenge, even if it was more comedic than dark.

Brian

Steve

I can see how this would piss off other applicants by not taking the challenge seriously but as someone who didn't enter, I enjoyed it.

Funny how you capitalised all the props, name dropping each one just for the sake of it.

The dialogue was funny, quite witty in places but in terms of story and characters…well even Jake admits it was going nowhere.

The minge scene gave me a few grins, having it off scene was key and great how you paid it off later by mentioning it at the end.

So, yeah as an OWC outsider, I dug this, made me smile a couple of times. Sure its not what the challenge called for but what the hell, it was an entertaining read.

Good stuff, Steve.

Col.

Hi Col(and Brian M- sorry, I just realised I hadn't responded to your post).

Glad you liked it. Yeah, it was my way of ranting against the theme! i made sure to put all the props in the order of Michael's list, and in CAPS just to be an arsehole.

I've just done the re-write for when Michael produces it - its basically the same except Darcy is shown as the guy trying to do the challenge script and all this stuff starts happening for real. I better not say too much at this stage!!

The Villa won this morning at Wigan, leaving us 3 points behind Spurs with a game in hand. Go the lads!!

Stevie

Just seen that this was picked as one of the winners, nice work, man.  Sometimes it pays to screw convention. I look forwrad to seeing it.

Ya, Villa had a good win, my money is still on Man City or Liverpool to take 4th though. Once again, Milner is proving his worth, interesting to see how much he'll feature come the World Cup.

it felt like you were just trying to have fun, and show your wits. if thats ur thing, by all means, go 4 it.