Sanitarium by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Horror - An orderly tries to make life bearable to a young girl who is lost in Hell. - pdf, format 8)

Good title and logline.  Nice surreal stuff at the beginning, but it goes on for a little too long, perhaps.

The ideas are ambitious, but the dialogue is a bit on the nose.  The sex-crazed orderlies have little subtlety to what they say, expressing their desires a bit more overtly than they should.  Their lines land with a "thunk" instead of the subtle menace that you probably intended.

And we do not get a real resolution here -- just a sense of some weird scenario that will continue long after this one episode is over.  That is an ending, of sorts, but not the ending I would have wanted.

Great ideas, but some problems in execution, and no real resolution.

Grade:  B-  

I agree with bert here.

Nice surreal visuals. I liked those.  I could also feel Emily's "pain". It does go on a little longer than necessary IMO.

I sort of liked the ending. My only issue with it was that if this happens at this hospital all the time or at least every now and then, I don't believe Brian would let anyone else near Emily.

There was quite a few typos, but other than that it was an easy quick read.

I enjoyed this. I liked the twist at the end that Brian was in League with the Devil side of her. Either I'm reading too much into it, or it's escaped the attention of other readers.

I disagree with Bert that it needed more of a resolution, I think what is there works fine.

Didn't fully understand the whole faceless clock situation, but that's a minor point.

Hello C,

This was a good effort, but it was wrote in 2008? Hardly in the spirit of the challenge, if so. That said, I did enjoy this.

Agree re: bert's comments with the dialogue. You pushed the evil orderlies angle too hard with some unlikely dialogue.

It doesn't really fit into the animation I envisage, but the tone of the piece, particularly with the images you put forth help shape a compelling script and hint, I think, at the tone Michael leans towards in his reel. I do think it would work better as an acted piece, with a decent budget to recreate some of the images you conjured.

The ending was open, and while I suspect that was your intention, it may also be down to a lack of clarity in your writing. Brian was possessed, or he was in league with her naughty side? Or something else? So, it's open to interpretation, but not necessarily in the best way.

Definitely the most compelling script I've read in the challenge thus far.

Andrew

SANITARIUM

I had a hard time with the surreal imagery in this one specifically because I didn't think the story underneath was clear and the imagery itself, while good, was used too much.

The ending wasn't an ending for me. I don't mind ambiguous endings but in this case I was confused.

The visuals of this may be hard to do in Moviestorm but editing (I think) would help a lot.

The faceless clock was cool as a comment on the endless nature of her torment.

Gary

Quoted from Andrew Hello C, This was a good effort, but it was wrote in 2008? Hardly in the spirit of the challenge, if so. That said, I did enjoy this. Agree re: bert's comments with the dialogue. You pushed the evil orderlies angle too hard with some unlikely dialogue. It doesn't really fit into the animation I envisage, but the tone of the piece, particularly with the images you put forth help shape a compelling script and hint, I think, at the tone Michael leans towards in his reel. I do think it would work better as an acted piece, with a decent budget to recreate some of the images you conjured. The ending was open, and while I suspect that was your intention, it may also be down to a lack of clarity in your writing. Brian was possessed, or he was in league with her naughty side? Or something else? So, it's open to interpretation, but not necessarily in the best way. Definitely the most compelling script I've read in the challenge thus far. Andrew

;) Good spot.

This was just okay for me.

Was the 2008 copyright date for real or just to throw people off?  Not really in the spirit of the challenge if it was written 2 years ago...

Good logline, but I think it goes a little over the top in such a short time frame.  A little too much action and not enough development on character.  The orderlies I felt were a little forced.  They didn't really seem creepy, but rather they just felt forced.  Some of the dialogue also didn't flow with it.  

The visuals are pretty neat.  My interpretation of the clock is that there's no concept of time in Hell, so Emily would be "trapped" for eternity.  That's what I took away from it anyway.

So, yeah, a couple things I liked, couple I didn't.  Not sure this one really fits the challenge at all, though, considering it says 2008 on the front.

Greg

Well...can't say that I enjoyed this one too much.  It was quite odd, actually, and I didn't get it.

If this was indeed written in 2008, I really wonder why it wasn't cleaned up.  I think it's bullshit to not write a new script in 1 week, as the challenge states.  Very interested in finding out the story behind when this was written, and what it's supposed to mean.

Lots of mistakes throughout, awkward phrasing, and strange introductions...actually, the entire format and story was strange.

I don't really even see a story here...no beginning, no middle, and definitely no end.  I'm all for ambiguity, but this goes above and beyond ambiguous.  It almost feels like a snippet from a much longer work.

Sorry, but this definitely didn't do it for me.

It's an adequate interpretation of the theme, taking advantage of the surreal qualities affordable in the medium, the sliding numbers, the sliding in and out of insanity...I liked Brian. Seemed like a good dude who saw her for who she was, and not just a lost sexual conquest. Stan is a bit more stereotypical, although that type may very well be true...

Two short, red, devil-looking DEMONS

Assume these would be the guys with the horns, pointy tails and pitch forks; regardless devil-looking demons seems somewhat redundant.

Hard to imagine that Brian would be able to hear Stan's screaming outside of the asylum, or at least be able to identify that it was someone legitimately in trouble other than the random screams of the inmates. I suppose he's been there long enough to tell.

First one, so hard to judge against the lot, but I think it was OK.

As others have mentioned, the 2008 on the title page will mean ya got some 'splainin to do.

Okay,

This one was a little kooky, and like others have said, there are typos that need to be fixed.

As for the 2008 date, I think I know what happened there. Did you use http://www.scripped.com to write this on?

That's what I use to write screenplays, and if you don't change the date on the cover page, it will say copyright2008 and 1st draft.

Anyway, I thought it was pretty good for a OWC.

This script had some interesting hallucinatory moments.  The demon faces ballooning out of the walls in particular.  I felt, however, that I just didn't know enough about the girl and her background to really understand her situation.

Brian is the one character that felt real to me.  I would have liked to see more interaction between him and the girl.  The ending was a bit vague.  Overall, though, a decent entry.  

There are some confusing parts and story elements that I failed to understand.

An example is the florescent numbers that fall and get absorbed into darkness. What does that mean and what does it signifies?

What happens in Emily's room between her and the demons is confusing as well. I needed to read it a few times. There are too many unusual visuals that are hard to picture in my mind. At one time a demon balloons out of a wall, then the next instant it freezes in front of Emily, and then two demons are whispering at a corner. I think it'd be better if you have them as characters instead of some generic demons.

Everything else is fine and then when Stan goes into Emily's room. Things start to get wacky again. Where is that white ball and the clock? So the devil ate up Emily and I assume Stan couldn't see that?

I'm sure you know all the meanings of the story. But maybe it's me, I didn't quite get it. It's a good work nevertheless.

Okay, I'm certain I know the only two people that may have written this...

This was my favorite one out of the 4 or 5 I've read so far. Yes, there were spelling mistakes (including calling Brian "Brain" once, which is why I will never use this name in a script), and the introduction of the orderlies and demons could have been more unique and differentiated, but overall I was pulled into the story.

I liked Brain (I mean Brian) and felt he was developed quickly in a short script, which was good. Ditto for Emily - her prancing in the morning was well-described and felt real.

The only part I didn't get was the crown of thorns - it seems Brian really does remove it, so it's not imagery?

And good ending - I took away from this that Brian may not be all that he seems on the surface, much like decadence says above. Good job.

Have to agree with most of what has already been said. I think the sexualised dialogue from Stan and then Tom was too explicit and unlikely. Subtlety would have worked better here IMO.

Didn't really get the ending, not sure if Brian was helping this girl or what his last line is supposed to mean. It didn't quite work for me.

Thought it was well written for the most part, and an interesting story idea that could benefit from a polish and a new ending.

Cheers,
Tim.

First draft 2008? Isn't that cheating? I mean, I have a dark script from several years ago I could have entered, but I didn't. Very nice, however. I like how we get the scene from Emily's perspective, giving us that weird surreal world that she lives in. I did find it a bit odd at the end when Brian denied Stan to help Emily, but he went and allowed Tom to do so. I like how you ended it though, and kind of left what happens next up to the audience. There are times when that's a good thing, and this is one of those perfect times.

So very well done here. I liked it.

EDIT: I suspect that Brian thought Tom was being too forward right away, and wanted to "teach him a lesson" about how to handle the inmates there. He has heard Emily state that line over and over again, so he would have a good idea as to what was going to happen.

I liked this a lot too!  

I didn't think the dialogue was too bad.  I was expecting it to be way more over the top from reading the comments.  

I'm pretty sure Brian removing the crown was a vision/delusion.

So her father molested her then she killed him, right?

THis was good.

Bit of a mixture this one. It had all the ingredients to be pretty good, but the writer seemed to lose control of it.
Nothing wrong with the actual writing, though a few grammaticals. No one else has mentioned it, but i thought the CAPS on some of the action was tacky and overdramatic.
With a re-write this would turn out better. Good effort and it fit the challenge.

I've read 22 of the scripts but not many have used any of the props Michael listed. In fact, fuck all have used fuck all! Except for the pisstake one, 'The Dark'...

First off I want to say thank you to everyone who read this...

*Now on to the "splanin'" as Ricky Ricardo would call it.  ;)

I wrote this script on February 9th, and did a little more work on it on the 10th. The copyright is standard on the cover page where I wrote it: Scripped.com. I forgot to change it or remove it before I sent it in.

Emily was very religious, the preacher's daughter, and a girl who says that a demon killed her father, when it was her all along. Possession? A possibility. She respects the cross around Brian's neck.

The clock. Well, she watched time get absorbed by the shadows on a very long night when she couldn't sleep. She was like a black hole so to say.

She was the only one who saw her crown of thorns. It was really just a headache, but she thought the demons were using that as a means of torture, too.

Stan was a jerk. Got what he deserved.

George was right on with his comments about Brian. He is a good guy who really cares about his job, and Emily. He had warned Tom about the patients, and didn't want Tom to take them lightly or take advantage of them. So yes, he was wanting to teach him a lesson right off.

Anyway, that's it. Hope I answered all the questions about this one.

I wanted to get into a sick person's head for this one, and write something that she might see if she was hurting and confused.

Thanks again for the reads. It was fun to write.

Cindy

This one was very interesting visually. Some great visuals actually. The clock numbers falling and the heads coming from the walls, very well done.

I didn't care much for the ending, but I do think the story overall is much better than a lot of the comments suggest.

Great work!

Brian

SPOILERS!

Interesting read. I understood the religon theme but I didn't get the part where she says "there's no God" and bites Stan. Not that there was anything wrong with that since Stan ends up being a ass. Maybe work on making that part more sense. Just a suggestion.
  
Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for giving this one a read. Glad you thought it was interesting.

The part where she says There's no God, well, the demon just swallowed her, so she IS the demon in her mind, and she's telling herself that God is gone forever.

I love the ambiguity of it. Some ideas should be left to the readers imagination - I think Brian and the girl were kind of sorting good ones from bad ones... maybe.

Together, in a silent pact - Loved it.

Glad you liked it khamanna. I cleaned it up some, and Don will post the rewrite sometime tonight.

Cindy

After reading this, I thought:

This is DAMN GOOD!

Then I went back to read the comments and was surprised.

My opinion stands as I feel it's DAMN GOOD!

I'm not sure why some people are seeing the copyright as 2008. I'm getting 2010 on your title page.

I'll tell you where I was hooked:

When Stan says a wast of good pussy. That was it. Something was going to go down for sure and it was just a matter of when. I was wondering if Brian was actually going to take advantage of her. All of this suspense was going on in my mind when he entered the room--

So, you might want to drag out the drama here and maybe have Brian in conflict with himself. Indeed, he might be.

Cindy, I could see you easily developing this and have Emily get better in the end.

There is no doubt in my mind as to the value of this piece. You can always work to raise it up that notch with regard to uniqueness I think, but this is a solid piece of work that I think you should be proud of.

Sandra

Though this got a little bit muddied in the middle, I really liked this script.  I was sorry that it didn't make the anthology and I wanted to let you know that it was next in line, as far as I was concerned, if one of the selectees had declined.  Nice work.  

Quoted from mcornetto   I was sorry that it didn't make the anthology and I wanted to let you know that it was next in line, as far as I was concerned, if one of the selectees had declined.  Nice work.

Thanks Mike. I didn't think it was going to make it because of the special effects with the clock. It was fun to write it though.  :)

Quoted from Sandra Elstree. After reading this, I thought: This is DAMN GOOD! Then I went back to read the comments and was surprised. My opinion stands as I feel it's DAMN GOOD! I'm not sure why some people are seeing the copyright as 2008. I'm getting 2010 on your title page.

Hey Sandra,
Thanks for giving this one a read. I'm glad you liked it.
This is the cleaned up version. Don is really quick in getting it put up.  :)
I think I answered some of the questions and basically just cleaned it up with this rewrite. I'm not sure if I'll go at it again. Maybe, but then again if anyone wants to produce it, they will change it to make it work for them anyway. So maybe I'll just leave it alone now.  :)
Thanks again,
Cindy