Shamrock by Seth Hamilton - Short, Psychological Thriller - A Priest, having killed, struggles with whether or not to take his own life. - pdf, format 8)

Great title and logline.  Not too long, and I like entries that do not try to fill the full 12 pages simply because they are there to fill.

I love the opening, but then Sham begins to talk too much.  He tells too much.

But the second-to-last passage that you give him is brilliant dialogue.  Really good.

I hate to tell you to reduce a 4-page script.  There is just too much monologue.  Or maybe it needs to be longer, with a few quick flashbacks telling us things instead of Sham? Not sure.

So not perfect, but at its heart, this one has some power.  A solid B.

Short but sweet. I found some of the images a trifle confusing at times.

The second script out of two that has dealt with anal sex. I hope it's not going to continue in that vein all the way! :)

Not sure what else I can add. It does what it set out to do, I think.  There's not really enough there to say much more.

I liked the line about having one hand in his pants and the other on God's throat
. Quite an image.

Hello E,

Well, this was an irreverent little piece. I think I know who wrote it.

It was ok, but after reading the logline, I really thought this had some promise, so I guess I was just disappointed to see what angle it followed.

Entertaining enough, but not really my type of thing.

Andrew

This was decent. Clearly pretty easy to film, and there were some good moments in the dialogue.

BUT, and this is a big 'but': it's too short! The entry rules clearly stated that: "you must write a script (properly formatted) 8 - 12 pages". You've fallen well beyond the minimum page limit, here. Will that count against you? I don't know...

Confusing, I understood the logline better than the story.

Good imagery and camera movement.

Dialogue expositionary. It went on for a sentence or two too long for almost every block of dialogue.

Father Sham was an excellent name for a fallen priest.

The "God's throat" line was worth the price of admission.

Story length. Only four pages... Use your pages! This could have been very fascinating with another character or a flashback to the killing.

Oh, and the SOUND OF URINE is quiet... It has to be moving to make a sound. As in URINATING.

Gary

I think this one was as long as it needed to be, but too short for the challenge. It was supposed to be 8-12 pages, but like I said. The length was fine for the story itself.

Visually, this one didn't grab me at all. although it should be easy to film.

The dialogue is a tad too long here and there.

I didn't get the "metal plate". I had no idea what you meant there.

A decent piece though that was written pretty well in my book. Just would have liked some more imagery.

Here's a question for you. I don't know the answer, but when I read about the woman and a strap on and the whipping... That would make Sham the submissive one. Do those types usually kill? Somehow, I always pictured killers as being the predator or the dominant ones... I have no idea. I'm probably totally wrong.  :)

Here, I have to agree with Bert. Although short, this could be shorter.

The problem is the dialogue. Although well written, it's too expository. I suspect this owes itself to the fact that there is only one character.

Overall, another solid effort -- the mood and tone hit the right notes.  

Easy to film.  Not much else really stood out to me.

Obviously suicide is probably going to be a big theme with this challenge, but I just wasn't drawn into this one.  It lacked interest for me.  Priest has affair with chick, kills chick, then talks to himself for 4 pages, then kills himself.  I think you should have added more in to extend this(you had 4 more pages to work with to reach the minimum) and maybe take a different direction rather than just have this guy talking to himself.

It wasn't bad, it just didn't excite me.  Nice dialogue for what it was and easy to film.  

Greg

Interesting. Short... too short for this OWC. I thought the scripts had to be at least 8 pages.

What this script really lacks is conflict. The end just kinda happens and it has no impact. Still, it was an interesting read.

I didn't understand the SOUND OF URINE and then the talk of "it's not an STD" in the beginning. Was he in a Motel or something?

5/10

~Zack~

Suspect this might be one of those double entries that folks have been chatting about.

Went by a little too fast. Ya had the 12 pages, might have filled them up with some more exposition-alot of telling, not showing...why not introduce us to that naughty, disobedient girl? Show us about how Father Shamrock (a good name, by the way) was well liked and repected in the community...I understand that some of this structure is for the contest, but I think that some of the potential punch of the story is lost in translation...

Don't know what he was refering to when he complained about the pain in his ribs or the internal bleeding..Seems like a non-sequitor, such as complaining about the condition of the building...

It was OK for me, but not a favorite.

Strange one.  More of a one scene soliloquy than a script.  Interestingly, this is already the second script I've read that dealt with painful urination.  Hmm.  You had some good lines, but I just don't feel there was enough here.  Sham talked a lot, but there really wasn't much going on.

Nope, not for me...not at all.

This comes across as a simple exercise, and really has nothing to do with the challenge we were given.  Everyone's talking about this being 4 pages...it's only 2 1/2 pages, actually. No way does this qualify, as it doesn't even try to.

The dialogue is good at times, but as others have said, it usually runs a bit too long and is so blatantly exposition.

In terms of what we'd see in a filmed version, there's really nothing.  Starts out al in black, then we have a guy standing/walking around a crappy motel, talking to himself.  That's it.  Easy to film?  Uh, yeah, I'd hope so, but who cares?  Who'd want to "watch" this?  Surely, not I.

Sorry, but it's apparent to me this isn't a serious entry, and rally shouldn't be taken seriously, either.

Unfortunately, I agree with Greg, Cam, Splatter Boy and, most of all, Jeff (I'm sensing a pattern here Jeff)  and I don't have much to add.

Didn't get painful urination part. And you missed a golden opportunity to show us the domination and killing instead of having Father Sham tell us.

Some good lines of dialogue, but as Cam said, it's a sililoquy - something that should be part of a larger piece.

Hmm...I'm not too pleased with this, sorry to say. Most of the time I didn't get what Sham is doing, why is he talking to himself for that long? I didn't understand what he was talking about either.

I couldn't offer much comments here because I didn't get the writer's intention. I also don't think this entry fits the theme of the challenge. Definitely not a horror.

Sorry.

Kinda funny, I wrote a script called Shamrock and changed the title at the last minute.  I'm glad I did.  As for the story, I can somewhat understand where the Author was coming from...I mean who hasn't screamed at God at one time or another?  

Personally I would've added a twist like maybe when he pulls the trigger the gun misfires. I.E. God getting the last word...as he always does.  

Nice effort.

P.S. - My only question is what part of "8 to 12 pages" didn't you get?

If the minimum page length is 8 pages, why was this accepted?

For what its worth, this has potential. The writer does an ok job of showing the guys's torment and dark side.

It might be only four pages but it works for me.  It's dark fits the challenge and I liked it.

I believe this is one of those extra entries.

It would of been nice to read more.  I think a flashback would be fitting.  The moment he talked about that killing a flashback would add to the darkness.

Good luck in the OWC.

Didn't work for me. not gonna harp on it too much, there's already been plenty of that. I just don't think the writer was trying for a serious entry here.

James

Too the writer...

Yes, I know their were some constraints to this challenge but to be honest, your only limited as your imagination.  In this piece, you could have done so much more with it.  Four pages more atleast to salvage something.

This really wasn't a story IMO. Dialogue will only carry a script so far.  Havind said that...

congrats on attempting the OWC.

Ghostwriter

So is he talking to the picture? Honetly, I think I know what you're going for here, and sometimes a monologue show works, but this one just isn't visual enough. It's all talk and some dude crawling around a room. The logline establishes the conflict as this priest having killed someone and then struggling with whether or not to take his life. The script shows that he's already decided and he's just milling around before he does it. The logline gives a great potential for conflict, and I was actually looking forward to it. The final product was a bit of a disappointment.

Work on more of a story. It can still be a one man show, but you've got to give us more visuals and more conflict so that it is interesting. We have to feel the struggle he feels. We have to really wonder whether he will do it or not. We have to think that maybe he won't before he goes through with it. That's what this really, really lacks. Best of luck.

I agree with George. I think we should wonder if he is going to kill himself. Give us some hope that he might not. Maybe have him look at other pictures, childhood photos??? and have him cry, too. ??? I don't know... Just thinking...

I thought it was very good for how short it was, and I think I may know who wrote this one, too. And with that being said, I am left to wonder if it was written for two reasons. One for the challenge, and the other for a five page or less contest. :-)

Yet for one week, I think it was really good.

Cindy

An agonizing soliloquy for a decadent character. I couldn't feel much for the guy. There was dark, although it didn't explore the visual spectrum like it could have with flashbacks or dissolves. Glad to see the guy go. Too bad it was so confined to the monologue.

I didn't care much for the first one and a half pages but Sham's dialogue in the last half just about saved this for me. Loved the line about God's throat.

That being said, more has to be added here. Flashbacks, something so we're not watching a guy talking to himself in a room the whole time. This could be very good if you can find ways to add more scenes around what you already have.

Nice effort!

Brian

Interesting concept but poor execution. You tell too much. And it's really short. I like the insantiy angle but it needs more development.  

Gabe

Thanks for the reads. This script went through many iterations. Originally it was a zombie / virus story. That, though, given all the action involved, wouldn't work with Moviestorm. Eventually, I tried to make it as simple as possible -- one character, one location.

A few reviewers complained about the low page count, even asking me what I "didn't get about it." I got it. I, too, was concerned. I spoke with Mcornetto about it and he encourged me to submit it anyway.

Bert, who I have bunches of respect for, wrote  "Not too long, and I like entries that do not try to fill the full 12 pages simply because they are there to fill."

What gets me, though, is that few complained about scripts that were written without any regard to the challenge itself. No one complained if an action sequence was incompatible with Moviestorm.

Still, I understand that this story failed becuase it wasn't a complete story. It wasn't well told. I stepped outside of myself and tried to do something I normally wouldn't. But, hey, that's what One Week Challenges are about.

Next time you can bet I'll submit somthing more conventional.