The Environmentalist by James Williams (jwent6688) - Short, Horror - A young girl alone in her parent's plush ski retreat gets a visit from a malevolent stranger. - pdf, format 8)

Okay, this was brilliant until...(the ending: don't wanna spoil it for the rest)   But it was a prime example of taking it one step too far.  IMO.  Aside from that ...this is my favorite script out of the bunch, so far.  Home intruder, very scary.  Intelligent premise.

Well done.

P,S. And yeah...it's a ripoff of Scream, but who cares. It's Machinama.

HaHa...funny stuff.  Is this Stevie?  Obviously drawing from my Fade...the Schaefer House, Durango, CO, etc.

Well, to be honest, this didn't work too well for me.  It's pretty close to a carbon copy of the opening scene in Scream, and it's filled with alot of bad dialogue.  The first 2 1/4 pages are pure dialogue, with 1 character OS...not a very good visual for over 2 minutes.

If they were skiing, why is it night, and why did Jeanine just get home?  Why doesn't she know where she is?  She obviously knew her parents were skiing and only took 2 runs, so she must have been there as well, meaning she didn't just arrive.  A "lodge" is not a private home.  If it's a big 3 story house, why is she worried about hearing her parents banging?  She wouldn't...it's big enough for lots of privacy.

Apart from the completely been there, seen that scenario going on, it does offer some mild chills, as the intruder makes his game known.  Like Screenrider said, the end completely blows it for me.  It goes too far and doesn't even make sense.  Actually, the entire last scene in the bathroom doesn't make alot of sense...I mean, she's in the tub, yet she can reach out and pass her phone out the door?  What kind of bathroom is that?

Not sure if this is a serious attempt at horror, or a spoof on me and all the Scream clones out there.

Funny stuff, bud...this is you, right, Stevie...you old dog!

Hmm...

This was written well despite the shades of a familiar urban legend.  Page#2 wryly for Jeanine (Mocking)  I'd adjust.  There was several ways you could have ended this and the road you chose didn't work for me.

I'd question some of the dialogue as well.

Good Job nevertheless

Ghostwriter

I don't think it's Stevie, Jeff.  There's no asterisk next to the title.  

This script had its moments.  The first part is an homage to Scream, which in itself was a ripoff of When a Stranger Calls.  One problem, though, is that the girl is so incredibly unlikeable that you really don't care whether she lives or dies.  The ending I actually found funny.  The visual of that guy sticking his head through the new hole in the wall would be hilarious.

So, decent effort for one week.  Not original at all, but not too bad either.

Defintely not me buddy! I wondered what your PM meant! No one gets killed in my scripts! Well, not murdered anyway...

Yeah, this was pretty good until the end. I knew it was coming though, cos i read the first review!
Formatting was good and though the story used all the cliches, it sounded fairly original.

Listening to the entire Beatles Anthology would be a chore, even for me; that's 3 double CD'S worth! Most of the songs are just working versions or alternate takes.

Well, whether you like the ending or not, it was completely blown for me by the first review. This had a somewhat fresh look on a tired scenario. Felt there was too much dialogue in the beginning. Also some plot holes that need ironed out. I liked his motives, but they seemed to come out of nowhere. Still not sure about the ending. This started out with some good suspense and then almost ended like a comedy. Not bad for a weeks work....  Somebody's screwing with Jeff and Stevie....    James.

The document doesn't seem to want to work properly for me.  It opens, but then it lags like no other when I scroll down.

Anyone else have this problem?

I think this was pretty well written, but the story could be improved. I read this before I read the reviews and I also felt it was too similar to the beginning of Scream. Also the phone conversation goes on too long at the start and could be cut by half.

The actions by the killer didn't make sense to me. If he was after money to help the environment, wouldn't he have forced Tom at gunpoint to transfer money to an account somewhere? Why kill him and wait over two years for the girl to put the money to good use?

But overall I thought this was pretty good, a few tweaks here and there and this would be a really solid short.

Cheers,
Tim.

My first thought: horrible title. It conveys nothing about the story we're moving into. Absolutely nothing...well, except the punchline. So scrap the title first.

Ok, so we're watching the intro to Scream. Except this one has a punchline. Oh, just kidding, it doesn't, but it still does. Granted, the creepiness is still there from Scream along with A Stranger Calls, but the thing is that it has been done. We've already seen those movies, and this adds nothing to it until the whole "I love animals" bit.

Now, the microwave bit was clever. Got to hand that to you. But it just felt tired.

Frankly, I think it would have ended better if Jeanine had lived with just a look from her to leave us wondering if she would do as she promised and if he would ever come back if she didn't. Leaving those things open are far better than making a bloody mess, which is just annoying to clean up. Until you killed your main character, there was a point to your story. Once you plugged her from behind, it became stupid.

Overall, it wasn't bad. There's a market for these types of stories, but to someone who has actually seen it all, it's just another rerun.

Not bad, but certainly derivative of any number of the horror movies mentioned here and probably more...

That's my main problem with this piece - that it's full-out horror, and I'm not sure where "the dark" comes in. The man is a maniac, but aren't all maniacs dark? IMO this didn't explore - i.e., a seemy underbelly of society, the recesses of a troubled mind, etc. This to me is dark...

Having said that, I loved the ending. I repeat - LOVED it. Why? Because Jeanine's a bitch, and it's totally in character for her not to change, even after seeing her parents murdered. So, even though we didn't get too much dark, we got some just desserts...

And why does everyone think Stevie wrote every damn one of these?

For twelve pages, it felt like those two girls were talking on the phone forever.  I almost gave up.

And once it starts, it is pretty derivative.  Without even reading any previous comments, I’ll bet you have heard that a dozen times.

But then -- you somehow find a way to make this fresh.  It is almost ludicrous, but somehow, it also works great haha.

It redeems the whole piece.  Glad I read it.  B+

Okay, I liked it, it had me gripping for most of the time. But the phone conversation in the beginning was too long for a 11 pager.

Nothing much I can comment on. I had no problem with a guy who randomly breaks into some rich people's place AND not for the money. His motivation of being an environmentalist is actually fresh. But the events are just like When A Stranger Calls.

Pretty good.

Thanks to all those who've read and given feedback...

Yes, was having a little fun at Jeff here trying to make him think Stevie wrote it. Wasn't poking at you Pia, Don't know you that well yet.

Many of you didn't like the end. Fair enough, but I purposely made Jeanine unlikeable so you wouldn't mind when she got it in the end. To change the ending, i would have to make her someone you wanted to cheer for. Which may not be bad.

The phone conversation in the beginning is too long. Well noted, thanks.

It does come off like Scream/ When a stranger calls. but I tried to make it more realistic. I think most people would ignore the threats and call 911 immediatley in that situation. Especially a self-obsorbed 15 year old. - Which is why she says someone after her first in the 911 call Pia. She's all about herself.

I am planning a re-write, but as far as now haven't been booted from the list of potentials... yet. It's a tired scenario, but I think you could always do something better even if its already been done.

I've been dreaming up the environmentalist for some time. Probably not the best vehicle for his debut here.

Anyways, first thing I've written in about six months. Always fun to do the OWC.

Thanks to all, I think I read most everybody's, Good work...    James

Just read it - Great job and congrats!

James,

I don't want to repeat the above suggestions. Good job! Congrats on writing to the assignment. Machinama! Machinama!

Gary

Congrats on being picked, James!

And for being so crafty with your misleading stuff in this script1 It was a classic - Jefff was PM' ing me, saying 'you sly dog, funny stuff' and I'm going, 'huh? but you hated mine??'
No one will trust anyone anymore!!