Marooned by Mark-Curtis Dunn (currentcmine) - Short, Science Fiction - Two space deputies put off on Ganymede to save shuttle fuel discover a hermit scientist in residence. - pdf, format 8)

Hmmm...well this is ambitious for sure, but I sure don't see any "darkness" going on at all.

Seems like you watched Cornie's video and decided to use several props that were available.  I doubt any of the items chosen would actually be used in this situation though.  We're on another planet with super advanced technology and they're using a Glock and a shotgun?  No, I don't think so.

This is OK, don't get me wrong, but there just isn't much of a story here...or maybe way too much story for 12 pages.  Almost seems like a small piece from something much, MUCH larger.

Points for being different and taking this challenge in a different direction, but it didn't work for me, I had no clue who was who or why I should root for anyone, or what was really going on.

Great effort though!

I kinda liked it in a way. It's refreshing to see a sci-fi actioner, but it's not that dark and the ending just fizzles out as if you didn't know how to end it or you didn't have enough space to play out the entire scene.

First, it's a complete story, something like Mission to Mars. I felt the transition from the camp into the lab was too fast. It's almost like the Doctor had known Mel and Simon already. They weren't surprised to see each other.

Furthermore, why would the Doctor attack all of a sudden. Neither Mel and Simon say they would betray or bring the Doctor to justice.

Good action scenes in the second half of the script. But the ending is just anti-climatic. No resolution is given either. I'd like to know what happens to the Doctor.

Overall, I enjoyed the story, it's a good script nevertheless.

Seems like there might not be much chance of this getting made into a Machinima, but I disagree with the above statements. It's definitely dark.   Nothing scarier than killer robots.  This could make for an interesting full-length feature non-Machinima, which I'm sure is the Author's intention.  

One of the parts I didn't like....
INT. TENT
ELECTRIC ZAPS flow through the walls, SHOCKING Mel and Simon.
SIMON
Jeeeesus f**king christ!  
MEL
Ooof!


Enough said.

props for trying a sci-fi here. Unfortunately it wasn't that dark for me. Killer robots? What did fusing human DNA have to do with killer robots? They don't need to be human to be running around following orders.

Also, not really sure about the setting"s climate, but in real space, conventional weapons would not fire. They would need oxygen for the powder to ignite. They also wouldn't make a sound.

Not much of an ending here. Felt unfinished.

Read some scripts and comment. tell Don when you do. Get a* next to your name and more peeps will probably comment. Not bad for a week, but definitely needs work IMO

James

It wasn't bad. I could follow the characters decently, though their differences seemed to only resonate during the tent scene. Ganymede must be one smooth surfaced planet for a wheelchair to be able to successfully navigate it as widely as it did right down into the caves. some of the jumps between scenes were very abrupt and while I could see how they were led into in most cases, it felt like you started the scene a bit later than you should have. In the page count, you still had a couple pages, and it wouldn't have taken much. This was particularly evident in the intro to Dr. Nebula scene.

A couple things I didn't understand. First, why is the guy in the wheelchair the one to leave the ship? That point really bugs the crap out of me when there is clearly a more able-bodied person on board to explore. There were no special skills used or needed here. They never got to where they were going. And his not being in a wheelchair would have been beneficial at the end. Strictly speaking, it was the fact that he was in the wheelchair that killed him since the ship could not deal with the complication of the device without sacrificing the crew. I can appreciate the nod to the disabled folk, but there are professions where being able to walk is rather essential, and this would be one of those.

Second, how the heck did this Dr. Nebula survive for years on this moon without any contact or more to the point, fresh supplies. Again, you've got a little wiggle room on the page count, and that threw me off there. Then we get his bwa-ha-ha mad scientist moment that came out of no where, even though these chaps could rescue him. I know that happens in sci-fi, but it's weird when it happens in any story.

As for the dark? Meh, I guess the lights were down, but it wasn't so dark...

I'm afraid I couldn't finish this one, it just didn't draw me in. You didn't provide any descriptions of your characters and I couldn't distinguish between them. I didn't care about any of them at all and wasn't sure what the actual story was or what was going on. I mean I'm sure if I really tried I could work it out but I just didn't care enough to do so.

I think it would help if you found a way to summarise what the main point of your story is early on so you have something to hook us in. As it is I think there are either too many characters or too much over-description of the action that I found myself skimming through it.

Well done on completing the challenge, I think others will appreciate this one more than I did.

Cheers,
Tim.