The Ass Spider by Greg Baldwin - Short, Science Fiction, Thriller - The saying "I've got butterflies in my stomach" takes on a whole new meaning. - pdf, format 8)

Well, this is truly disgusting and disturbing, but you really blew it by going for some sort of stupid joke at the end.

Why are there so many gay themed entries this time around?

Not sure what to say here, cause it's almost like you wrote this as a joke, but you shouldn't have. It was working...maybe you gave up or just didn't know where to go with it.

As it is now, it doesn't work for me.  If you want it to, you need to write it in a serious manner and take out all the ridiculous and over the top shit.  It doesn't go anywhere, as it is, and that's a shame, but I bet you realize that already.

Points for originality! As for making it more serious, it's a story about a bug coming out of someone's ass! Minus the humor, I doubt it'd work at all.

Thinking about it, a more serious approach might be even more funny!

This was, in it's own weird little way, entertaining.

I liked this one. It was funny, sure, but it was also frightening. I scared to poop now! Haha.

I was disappointed with the end though. You had just established a great setup, the anal sex, and you completely wasted it. I was expecting, and kinda hoping, the Doctor would force Zag to have sex with him so that his butt would be loose enough for the bug. That would have been a much better ending.

8/10

~Zack~

Yeah...

How did Robotard 3000 get into this OWC?   This script is clearly designed to piss off guys like Dreamscale. :)  I got a good chuckle, though.   From a technical standpoint it was a well-written.  Easy read.  I equate it to Andy Kaufman's alter ego, Tony Clifton.  An SS prank.

Pure genius.

What marketing!  I love this title, and ran to it as soon as I logged in.  A real attention-grabber. Horrific and funny at the same time.

As for the story, we spend too long with Zag in the bathroom up front.  I would probably cut that by half, starting with half of his repetitive dialogue.

The explanation from Dr. Cucamonga is patently absurd, which is fine for this absurdist piece.  Nobody is expecting hard science here.  But, again, the dialogue here could really use a trim.  Far too many words.

For their dialogue here, the author is encouraged to select the best, lose the rest.

And the ending did not work for me.  Too far out of left field, and not really connected to the story at hand.  I would have preferred that you stuck with the Doctor and resolved his dilemma.

But good stuff overall.  Palahniuk meets Kafka.  A-

This one wasn't really for me.

The writing was fine, but too much explaining from the doc who btw, didn't talk like a doctor at all.

The ending didn't work for me either.

I would have preferred to see some good reason why they are coming out now. Something perhaps that we humans are doing on this planet that trigger these bugs return.

I also think this would work better if played totally straight faced or dead pan. That would have made it funnier in my book.

It's Ok for a silly little story.

"Stomach Bug" would have been a more fitting title.

The major problem with it is that the whole thing is just exposition. Just two talking heads in a Doctors Office.

It reads well enough, but it would make a very dull film.

For a B Movie, it's not bad material. Kind of like aliens with a prehistoric creature, rather than extraterrestrial.

I realise this is just a joke, but it would have some potential for a low-budget horror if it was developed.

I'm not sure if this is meant to be a serious entry or not. Weird subject matter and little in the way of story. It's 90% dialogue, most of which is excessively long.

I also was expecting the doctor to try to convince Zag to have sex with him. A lot of ass-fucking references in this OWC, how many entries did Unasking submit?

Didn't like the ending either, seemed like an anti-climax. Not much else to say on this one really.

Cheers,
Tim.

If your gonna go gay be proud and go full gay. You should've had Zag clean out ol doc's pipes for him there at the end. then you could flash forward 10 yrs and all the guys on the street would be walking around in ass-less Chaps cuz all the straight people died. At least that would've been funny. This was obviously not a serious entry.

I thought this was pretty funny for what it was. Okay, you really have to stretch it to fit the theme and genre but it was entertaining. Felt sort of like a sequel to Stephen Kings Dreamcatcher. Sort of.

dreamcatcher actually popped into my head while I was reading this script.

Here's a compliment for this writer. Dreamcatcher is the only book I've never managed to finish of all King books and I'm a huge fan! I honestly enjoyed your script better. How about that? I liked your stuff better than my favorite author Stephen King!  :)

Quoted from Grandma Bear dreamcatcher actually popped into my head

As long as it didn't pop out of your ass... ;D

So, on one end of the scale we have Sisyphus struggling against the gods, and at the other end? Zag and a whole lot of bran based products. Reminds me of them Habenero Olives someone picked up in Baker, CA from a guy selling them out the back of his station wagon...


Shock value type shtick and not a whole lot else..

IMHO, Dreamcatcher is one of Kingie's worst! Stated well but became a load of shit.

This script? Great premise but parts of it took the joke along for too long. The wrtingstyle was very good.

That doctor's name, Cucamonga? It rang a bell. I'm sure it was in the Halloween OWC? But I can't recall who wrote that one.

Anyway, there's no mention of 'the dark' so it stands with 'The Dark' for comedic value.

This script didn't work for me at all.  It wasn't dark; it was just gross.  Rick was right about the formatting; it was good.  Unfortunately, it ran too long; you probably could cut this in half.  Tell us more about the bug, in a scary fashion, and less about the painful shit.


Phil

Ah, it's a joke. I get it. Haha. Ha...hm...

Ironically, I was on my lunch break when I read this. Ok, so it starts a bit gross, and then gets really interesting to read, but boring as hell for a movie, even with visual aids. I mean, this thing took a ton of explanation to justify the existence of your ass spider. The whole story occurs in talking heads in a doctor's office.

So, it's am amusing gag, but not very good for a short. To quote Toby Keith, you need "a little less talk and a lot more action."

Really all I have to say on it.

I didn't like the beginning because it's too yucky for my taste to be filmed. And I didn't like the ending because there is no resolution whatsoever.

Having said that, the middle is intriguing to me, albeit just talking heads. I wish there is something more about the insect. I knew the doctor had talked a lot about it, but he seems to be repeating the same thing with different phrasing. How about the effects on our body? You mentioned laying eggs inside us, I wanna know more about that!

The doctor's becoming so emotional is a sudden change. He was so calm and being such a know-it-all that it's unbelievable for the change. And I doubt he will do that in front of a patient.

The ending is lackluster. I hope you can spice it up more because I still couldn't feel the impending danger of the spider took-over.

Overall, not sure if you've met the challenge because it's not dark in anyway, and it's more a drama than sci-fi. But for a OWC, I think you did a good job already.

I dont' think that the flow is quite there. It's original and could be very believable if it read smooth. But the reveal that designed to misdirect the reader is sudden for me, then the dr confess is rather sudden and the end is sudden too.
It's original and a good idea, I think. If only it didn't go from thought to thought so fast...

Well, you've got some cutesy, funny characterizations and situations. Ha-ha.

But it's way too talky. Not enough action. And there's no resolution to the a** spider phenomenon.

The only dark in this was at the beginning. Oh, well.

Okay, who installed the camera in my bathroom?

Seriously though, I rode someone else pretty hard for doing a comedy for the OWC - so I guess I have to chide this writer as well... (0:

The differences are that (i) this script didn't poke fun at the challenge with all the product placements, (ii) it tried, in its own disgusting and absurd way, to tell a story, and (iii) it was geniunely funny (oh wait, I forgot, that's a bad thing here).

And the latin name of this butt spider begins with "cruor" - as in Dr. Cruor? I smell multiple submissions!

Quoted from ajr And the latin name of this butt spider begins with "cruor" - as in Dr. Cruor? I smell multiple submissions!

I noticed that too. Cruor means blood btw...

Less ass, more spider.

Talking heads. Zag is calm for just having been told he gave birth to an prehisotric parasite. Dr. C. was too calm for someone who was going to off himself. Starbucks, really?

"and other wheat products" might have been better as "high fiber products and lots of laxatives"

I liked this one cause its the most basic of human fears: Is there something down there...? Snakes or ass spiders

This tale of the ass spider will be heard at campfires around the world.



Gary

Hi,

I've been eager to respond to this all week because some thought it was a joke piece, which it absolutely was not intended to be.

This was written with the target audience of Moviestorm in mind, who, as Don said on the very first post of the OWC, consists of a lot of gamers.  

I thought, hey, a bug that's inside of us and it starts coming out in our stool?  Might have something entertaining there.  Gamers might like that, who knows?  But a prank?  Nah.  I wanted to go for something that would differentiate it from the other 30.  When there's 31 scripts, it's easy for stories to be forgotten.  A story about bugs coming out asses?  Might be remembered even if it wasn't everyone's cup of tea.

Did this push the theme?  Maybe.  The dark tone is there.  If people dying because of bugs coming out your ass isn't dark then I don't know what is.  I guess the main issue is that it's got a little too much humor in the dialogue. Should it have been as comical?  Probably went a little over with it to the point where it lightened up the darkness.  I'm a funny guy, what can I say?

Still, I like this idea and am thinking of expanding it to a 25-30 page short with more spider action and less talk.  Borrowing a page out of Jordan's book, it'll be called 'The Ass Spider - Laxative Edition'.

Greg

This was was different, as to be expected by the title. I really enjoyed it until the last few pages, I bordered on hating the ending.

Like another reviewer, I was expecting the Doctor to bend over the desk and beg Zag for his help to "pave the way" for the spider. Or the spider laid eggs and Zag hears his stomach rumble and he realises he has to go through it all again. The Starbucks thing didn't work for me.

The Doctor felt like he was right out of a comedy movie. His character would be better if played straight and it would be much funnier in the end when he reveals his problem.

Solid effort. Interesting entry for sure. Good work!

Brian

It sounded funny, started off humorous but it didn't work for me in the end.  The endless dialogue from the doctor should be cut down.  Also, the ending's not really and ending as such since Zac already has faced his fate so shouldn't really care.  Then again, if there were eggs, then maybe focus on that would of been good.

I wouldn't say that this ass spider was part of humans, as that's a little unbelievable.  It's fine for me to have this left as a mystery not to be solved.  Just focus on gettin' rid of the damn things is the number one priority.

Not a bad idea overall.

Sorry, dude. Didn't care for this one. The idea looks like shit (no pun intended) on paper but then Stephen King made it work (by that, I mean Dreamcatcher was a good novel, the movie was a complete ass spider). The problem here was the dialogue was too overtly comical. I can see the dark humor, sure, but once skid marks enter into the conversation, you sorta lose it. I also didn't buy the idea that these creatures have gestated in humans since the beginning of the species. I mean with all the advances in modern sciences and such, they couldn't detect a giant ass spider... what?! Your intentions seem good enough. I appreciate that you're not trying to play a trick on the reader but nevertheless, I don't think it works.

Quoted from James McClung Your intentions seem good enough.

That's where you're wrong, dude...that's where you're very wrong...

Nah, just kidding.

Big thanks to everyone who read this.  I like this little arachnid and have started over with a new more "appropriate" short.  The reviews were interestingly mixed, but that's what I expected for going a little out there with this one for the challenge, plus it's the first "WTF" kind of thing I've ever made public.  Pretty fun!

Thanks again.

Greg

I think you should watch Rectuma and then rewrite it.

http://www.imdb.com/video/wab/vi1884488217/

Done.

It will be part of a trilogy; Ass Spider, Ass Frog, and Ass Rhino.

...oh man, what have I gotten myself into?  

But really, it's astounding that they managed to make that into a feature length film.  If a film can be made about an ass taking over entire cities, then anything is possible!  

Ass Rhino? Ouch!

Hey Greg,

I was just going down the list of all your work you posted here on SS, and how am I not supposed to read 'The Ass Spider' next?  You do have a lot of log lines that I find very interesting, though, so I'll be checking out 'Addiction' and a couple others very soon.  Not to mention 'The Scorcese Club'.

All right, Ass Spider.  What the hell, dude?  Did you really have to say it was about the size of a hamburger?  I was seriously going to Steak & Shake for lunch in about an hour for a guacamole burger.  :-)  Luckily, I have a strong stomach and you'll have to do a lot worse than that to put me off my appetite.

I know you weren't going for it, but I honestly thought this was pretty funny.  Both in the dialogue and the descriptions, honestly.  Yeah, the descriptions were disgusting (I'm a big fan of disgusting, by the way), but at the same time, comparing it to a hamburger made me giggle.

LOL.  I do have one question, though that I can't for the life of me figure out.  What was the theme of the OWC this was written for?

Quoted from Dr. Cucamonga You know when your stomach growls and you feel vibrations going throughout your body? That’s it. You know how when you get a sharp pain in your stomach when you haven’t eaten anything? That’s it, biting and eating your tissue. You know how sometimes you see funky colors in your stool? That’s it, the results of its little pincers poking and prodding at your insides.You know those skidmarks you might get on your underwear? That’s it just saying hello.

I love stories that try to explain how things were created or evolved, so I found this bit of dialogue interesting.  More funny than interesting actually, but I thought it was creative nonetheless.

I think you would've nailed the ending if Zag was forced to nail Dr. Cucamonga to help him live.  As it is now, that's really the only disappointing part of the story for me.  True, the coffee sign explains why the ass spiders come out of hiding, but I'm sure you could've worked that way in somehow, too.

So, eventhough you weren't going for it, I still thought it was pretty funny and entertaining.  I still can't think what the theme could've been, though.

- Mark

Oh jeez, it's resurfaced ha-ha.

Thanks for the read, Mark.  This was "The Dark" theme that you see Cornetto's videos for.  The criteria was for the script to be simple enough to animate, horror/sci-fi/thriller genre category with dark undertones.  It fits those parameters but, yeah, it is kinda funny.  Since there were 40+ submissions I wanted to get mine to stand out.

Thanks again for the read!

Greg

Hey Greg -

....ah, okay.  Next time I see a log line that says "don't read this one", I'll take it seriously.   Really seriously.  :)))

That said, the writing was pretty clean, so I'll give you that one.

If you *were* to rewrite this, I'd suggest making Dr. Cucamonga more of a serious character - like a dead-pan riff on the scientists you see in 50s B movies.  It'd play well against the over the top comedy factor.  And actually  - make the Starbucks explanation stand out a little more?  I honestly didn't get it until I went back and read RC's review...

I promise to read at least one more of yours, for comparison.  I'm sure this one ain't exactly representative...  :)

Janet,

The arachnid that keeps giving.  Thanks for your read and review.  This script was mostly marketing as I wanted it to stand out from the 40 or so other entries.  Needless to say that if I'm putting together a portfolio this one would most likely not make it.  

I did flesh it out into a more "serious" short where Cucamonga is a legit doctor and the potty talk is reduced.  But I lost interest with it and haven't posted it.

Thanks again for the read.

Greg