After Dark by Brandon Coleman - Action, Adventure - When FBI Agent Chandler’s team is killed during a mission, he teams up with a group of six teens to take down Dr. Reich the most dangerous man in America. 128 pages. 129 pages - pdf, format 8)

hey, everybody, I know it's long (was 173 pages) but i hope you enjoy.

Thank you for posting, Don!

Okay, gut level honesty here - I wouldn't read a 173 page script if my mom wrote it...

I just shook the magic eight ball and it says "many, many return reads" for your future... (0:

thanks for you comment aj. I know it's long. I was going to break this piece into two stories but then the second half would seem kind of odd without the first half. Anyways, I may do that or break it up so it's a series.

In all seriousness, there is no one who will read it at this length - and I mean producers. When professionals see a 173 page script they figure it needs 60 pages of editing.

The last film I remember of this length was Heat - but when you have Scorsese, DeNiro, Pacino, Kilmer, Sizemore, Voight, etc. - length is a good thing...

figured Id read the beginning even if I wouldnt commit to the full 173 pages.

When you introduce agent gonzalez, I might throw in a first name just to clarify that its a woman.  I know you say 'her' a little later, but I already read 'well built' which produces a pretty different picture thinking about a man or woman.
Vietnamese War?  Personally I've never heard it called anything but Vietnam War.
Your slugs dont really keep up with the action, it was confusing when the Agents are suddenly right in front of Reich.
Not sure what kind of agents these are, but no law enforcement trains people with guns to get that close to someone.  The whole point of guns are to kill people from far away or at least out of arms length.
"Yvette tosses Gonzalez’s body behind I thick, white top desk."  s/b the thick, white etc
"Where is, Gonzalez?"  Only need to coma before a name if they're addressing the person.
I think you could clarify the whole legionaire thing, at least throw quotation marks around it the first time you use it.  
"Check your there under your bed again"  looking for chomper typo
Stacey seems pretty forward.  Maybe take the obvious flirting down a notch.  And as far as the length of the piece, you could absolutely lose some pages throughout the whole introducing the family bit.
The kristen lee thing doesnt make much sense to me.  She's just fucking with him?  Whats the point?
Why is the principal just bringing up the cat thing, when michaels mom already knew about it? I thought that was old news.
the principal is pretty redundant talking about steam cleaning his carpet.

That's up the the principal, there arent any page numbers so I cant tell you how far I'm in.  Regardless theres a lot of pages you could lose.  If the fight scene at the beginning is just playing as a teaser it could be cut a bit shorter, we dont need to see every step of each team member going up to the building and setting up.  Then introducing all the teens goes on longer than necessary, and takes us out of the action for quite awhile.  This ends up reading more like a teen drama than an action movie.

Plenty of typos throughout, and several instances of odd wording, I didnt list them all since I dont have page numbers to reference them.  Other than that the writings good, just pare it down to keep us interested and the story moving forward.  Good luck.

Thank you for the commentary, jack. I proofed this piece 4 times myself while making additions and deleting then had a couple other friends proof it as well. I do agree, the introductions should be cut shorter considering this is an action piece. I'm looking for the best way to make it brief. As for the principal and his cat I will def cut that. I wasn't sure about deleting it at first but seeing as how it backtracks the story it's better left out. I know this script is very long but again, I thank you for taking at gander at it.

As has been mentioned already, your script is way too long. From what you've written, I wasn't sure if this a goofball animation or an action film?

The mouse and Doctor turning into super beings just undermines the script IMO. Your action sequences and dialouge are very clunky and unnatural.


AGENT SCHUMACHER
Sir, Dr. Reich has entered
into the house with three
civilians.

Entered into? How about entered the house? There are lots of instances of this through out the couple pages I read. The dialouge between the agents is forced and cliche, lots of talk about signals and perimeters and who's who?

AGENT CHANDLER
Gonzalez, grab your gun.
You’re with me.

Why would he need to grab his gun? wouldn't it already be holstered on him?

'He unsheathes a five inch blade from a side holder then fits
it in the door seam. In three seconds it opens.' -

I have no idea what happens here. First, this must be some kind of super knife, you place it in a door seam (door jam?) wait 3 seconds, without even uttering any magic words and the door opens!

Firstly, a knife wont open a door. Secondly, this piece of action is written incorrectly.

I suggest you go over your script with a finetooth comb, page by page and tidy it up. At 173 pages and with the world domination and teen premise, not many people will brave a read and if they do they'll stop short after the first 10 pages.

Thanks for the commentary, Badazz. I'm re-working the piece as I speak.

Coleman, DO not be discouraged. All that is being thrown at you are all very good if you are in a learning mode. If you are already an expert in your own eyes, then it triggers your ego and is kinda 'ewww' when others point out the obvious in your writing.

I have just begun reading your Story. YOU MIGHT have a STORY! That is the key to writing, not the TECHNICALITY. What sells is NOT the TECHNIQUE, but the Story. I have three examples to give you:

a) The Hurt Locker - BEST Script this year, was INDEED a sweetheart best Script. NO mistakes, of course how can there be, when Mrs Cameron, ex wife of James, Katherine Bigelow was involved in it?

b) Little Miss Sunshine (Definitely a MUST read for you) You will be amazed how this SCRIPT still got made into a FILM.

c) Night K Shyamalan's THE FIFTH ELEMENT AND THE SIXTH SENSE SCRIPTS. Both have errors, but they all got made.

D) One of my all time favorites by Tony Gilroy and Brian Helgeland (George Nolfi as well) : The Bourne Ultimatum. ONE of the best Shooting scripts I have seen.

Read these and your style will improve.

You can find these on this very site.
Good luck. Jagan Ramamoorthy
http://www.spundana.org

Just a thought but perhaps you should write some Short scripts (say 10 pages) so you can teach yourself to condense your story better.  Also is every single scene / line needed?  I am sure that if you reread it to yourself you will see a lot of stuff that could be cut out which would not only shorten the script to more managable levels but could also make it flow better

Thanks for your input Darren. Oh, I've written shorts. This story is so long because it is the very first screenplay I've written about 7 years ago before I knew the proper formatting. So when I did format it I wound up with a story that was very long. I know there are some lines that aren't need and I can definitely condense this piece. My other option would be to split this into two stories and go more in depth with the plot and scenes. Option A or Option B. Which would you do?

You could have condensed the story by writing down the BEAT SHEETS first in an EXCEL doc and then converted it to a SCENE LADDER, followed by a proper Treatment and a powerful Synopsis and Log line. Then, you should have gone for the Screenplay in FDR. My own story was 167 BEAT SHEETS long 256 Pages, then we brought it all down to 114 pages in the end. You can check it out. That process is a lengthier one but very much worth its time and energy.

Quoted from Coleman Thanks for your input Darren. Oh, I've written shorts. This story is so long because it is the very first screenplay I've written about 7 years ago before I knew the proper formatting. So when I did format it I wound up with a story that was very long. I know there are some lines that aren't need and I can definitely condense this piece. My other option would be to split this into two stories and go more in depth with the plot and scenes. Option A or Option B. Which would you do?

Me personally...I would go with option A and keep the film relatively short (well shorter than it is) and more punchy

Hmm, I was thinking the same.

For anyone who cares to know I've dropped my script length by more than 40 pages as I tightened up scenes and cut superfluous ones.

All comments welcome and appreciated.

p.s Thanks, Don

Very descriptive, enjoyable.  Some run on sentences.  :)

I'm glad you found my tale enjoyable. I'll work on fixing any run-on sentences I see as I continue to edit the script.

Thanks for posting my revision, Don.

To everyone else, I condensed this story down immensely. Your critique is more than welcome.

Thank you.