Reflection by Zack Akers & Sean Chipman - Short, Suspense - He remembers nothing but unlucky for him, he’ll discover everything. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

I only came up with the original story this script is based on, but I think Sean did a good job of making it his own. Curious to see what people think about this one.

~Zack~

SPOILERS








Zack and Sean,



Interesting. Never really would have guessed this was a vampire script. But now the title does tie it all together. You have an interesting start up for what could be a longer story. Maybe kind of like a From Dusk 'Til Dawn kind of thing (I've never seen any of the movies, so I don't know what the mood is like). But I can imagine this being the beginning, sort of, and when it shows the license plate, and then the car drives off, this rock music comes in and the movie title flies in. And then off to the rest of the 90 minutes of the film.

Good going with the name Van. Didn't really notice it until now.

One thing I have to complain about is wouldn't David notice that his reflection wouldn't be there when he was brushing his teeth at the beginning? Everyone pretty much looks in the mirror when brushing their teeth. It's a habit, right?

There's a lot of talk in this. Nothing is really explained. There's not an explanation for what happened with David, how he became who he was, etc. So maybe if you did decide to expand this, that will be answered.


Sean

Thanks for reading, Sean. If it were to be extended, that's Zack's call. His idea.

Yeah, from what people have said, the name was something people liked or completely turned them off to the script. Glad it worked for you.

Yes, he would. I was thinking about that as I wrote and it seemed dumb. I just couldn't get around it. I've actually heard that problem from everyone so far, including Zack, himself. Maybe if Zack wants to extend it somehow, we could plot something different for that.

Yeah. For me, that was kind of the idea. When Zack told me about the 24 hour memory, the first thing I thought of was, "How do I get him with no memory at all?" I was trying for the feeling of fear, whereas, when Zack planned it, he wanted depression (the guy would remember the last 24 hours, but he wouldn't really know who he actually was).

Also, yes, the logline is shit. Beyond the logline for one of my other scripts, I'm not very good at them. Sorry.

Also, sorry for the errors in the script. I am aware of them and just haven't gotten around to fixing them yet. Let's say, "I'm in the process."

But, once again, thank you for reading, Sean. =)

-Sean

Well, interesting concept...in a way.

Nothing original here at all, though.  Nothing remotely visual going on. The majority of this script are phone calls with only 1 character onscreen.  That's like 7 minutes of nothing but a guy with a phone in his hand.  Not only is the "action really dull, or non existent, but the setting is hideous...a crappy motel room...nothing more.  Basically, this reads better than it would look.

A few typos, some awkward prose, otherwise, OK.

Biggest issue, story-wise is that we don't know anything about anyone, and we get no real resolution.  What I mean, is that a vampire obviously has lots of super human powers.  This guy doesn't seem to have any, and I don't get it.  If it's that simple to take him out, what's the point of all this?

Not terrible, but pretty dull visually and nothing new with no twists.

Thanks for the read, Jeff.

There aren't many things that I can respond to, as you've mostly stated facts, In fact, the first paragraph is all stuff you believe. I have no problem with that.

Yeah, structure's never been my high point. If I can pass with an "OK' in this area, I'm cool.

Actually, the vampire doesn't have superhuman powers. Zack told me he wanted an old-school vampire and even if he hadn't, that's the type I would've chosen anyway. I guess the point was, this is a vampire story in reverse. Instead of a vampire hunting down people, the people were hunting down the vampire.

Yeah, it's extremely low-concept, the way I wrote it, but if you've read anything of mine, they're all low-concept dialogue stories. And, out of everyone who's seen it, I think you've liked it the least. Nothing wrong with that. If everyone thought the script was 100% gold, I'd have nothing to improve.

I do have one question for you, though, Jeff. What did you think of the dialogue? You mentioned how everything else could be improved, so am I wrong in assuming that because you didn't mention it, it's not in need of a fix?

Anyway, thank you for reading.

-Sean

An easy fix around the mirror error is too cut out the teeth brushing scene. Is it really needed?
~Zack~

Quoted from Zack An easy fix around the mirror error is too cut out the teeth brushing scene. Is it really needed? ~Zack~

That, specifically? No. But I needed him in the bathroom. On the re-write, I'll do something else.

What if he goes to the bathroom to take a hot shower, and that fogs up the mirror?

~Zack~

Hey Sean, listen, man...about the dialogue...

It's not that I think it's terrible or bad, but I don't think it's very good, either.  It's not realistic at all, but then again, neither is the story, so maybe they go hand in hand.  It comes off as Van is some sadistic psycho fuck, just being evil to poor old David, because that's the kind of movie character he is.

I do understand where you guys were going here and what you were after.  I think the concept makes sense and actually could work.  As it is, it doesn't for me, but that's based on the fact that's it almost all phone call dialogue with 1 character OS, and the other in a crappy motel room.  Based on that, it doesn't matter what the dialogue is like, IMO.

It's kind of funny that I didn't comment on the dialogue...I think that's because it didn't even register with me, because of the lack of anything going on (kind of like it didn't matter).

When you say this vampire is old school without any super human powers, I'm not sure what that means.  What old school vampires didn't have super human powers?

All right. Got the complete picture now. Dracula didn't have superpowers. In fact, if I remember vampire movies correctly (which I probably don't. I like zombies better), they didn't really become superhuman until The Lost Boys.

Sean, Dracula had all sorts of superhuman powers.

The character, "Count Dracula" from the 1933 movie came from the 1897 Bram Stoker novel.  Although most of us think of this as the world's introduction to vampires, I think there was actually an earlier novel in the 1870's.

The 1933 movie did not nail the Dracula character that Stoker wrote of, but it sure had an effect.  Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman had much more of the look down, but Legosi is the one we remember.

Based on the source material (the novel), here are some of old Drac's abilities...

He has physical strength equivalent to 20 men.

Being undead, he is immune to conventional means of attack. The only definite way to kill him is by decapitating him followed by impalement through the heart with a wooden stake.

He can defy gravity to a certain extent, being able to climb upside down vertical surfaces in a reptilian manner.

He has powerful hypnotic and mind control abilities, and is also able to command nocturnal animals such as wolves and rats.

He can manipulate the weather, usually creating mists to hide his presence, but also storms.

He can shape-shift at will into a bat, a rat, a wolf, vapor, and fog.

These are all from the original novel.  If you watch the Gary Oldman movie, you'll see a Drac that is much more in line with what Stoker conceived.

Quoted from Dreamscale Sean, Dracula had all sorts of superhuman powers. The character, "Count Dracula" from the 1933 movie came from the 1897 Bram Stoker novel.  Although most of us think of this as the world's introduction to vampires, I think there was actually an earlier novel in the 1870's. The 1933 movie did not nail the Dracula character that Stoker wrote of, but it sure had an effect.  Christopher Lee and Gary Oldman had much more of the look down, but Legosi is the one we remember. Based on the source material (the novel), here are some of old Drac's abilities... He has physical strength equivalent to 20 men. Being undead, he is immune to conventional means of attack. The only definite way to kill him is by decapitating him followed by impalement through the heart with a wooden stake. He can defy gravity to a certain extent, being able to climb upside down vertical surfaces in a reptilian manner. He has powerful hypnotic and mind control abilities, and is also able to command nocturnal animals such as wolves and rats. He can manipulate the weather, usually creating mists to hide his presence, but also storms. He can shape-shift at will into a bat, a rat, a wolf, vapor, and fog. These are all from the original novel.  If you watch the Gary Oldman movie, you'll see a Drac that is much more in line with what Stoker conceived.

Of course. Lagosi's was just the classic. Sadly, I haven't seen Christopher Lee's, though.

I meant more of superhuman strength more than anything.

I didn't recall Dracula being super strong. I may have to read it again, though, because I last read it in third grade.

Our guy couldn't be killed by conventional means. Van even mentions driving a stake through his heart or exposing himself to the sunlight. Decapitation is part of it, too? That's why I should stick to zombies.

The one in our story could defy gravity. He didn't, but if it's extended, one of the characters could.

Mind control? See defy gravity.

Yeah. Altering the weather was one of my favorite things.

And, the shape-shifting. Actually used the bat idea in another story of mine.

I saw Dracula (Oldman) on VHS back in '96. May have to dig it out, check up on that, too.

Damn vampires and their abilities. I overlooked many facts, but you only overlooked one. With no memory, how does he remember to use those abilities? Van tells him he's a vampire, but he doesn't make him aware of what he can do.

I'll have a chat with Zack. See if he wants to extend it and if he does, we'll figure something out.

Hi Sean/Zack

This has an interesting premise but I have to agree with Jeff really, until the final minute or so there's nothing really going on visually. Van seems a little contradicutory aswell, how he says he wants to see David suffer but then acts kindly towards him.

I think this would work better in a different location. Maybe vampires can't actually be killed and the only way they can be destroyed is if they kill themselves by walking into sunlight. That would make sense in Van's final pieces of dialogue.

But yeah, interesting idea but I think it would work better as a short story where you can get inside of David's head. If you want to keep it as a script there really needs to be more going on on screen of interest.

Ste

I don't know, Sean...how does he remember how to walk?  How to talk?  How to brush his teeth?

I don't think losing your memory means you can't do things that come naturally to you.

I don't mean to argue, though.  Just wanted to bring up a few things.  All vampires are different, anyways.  You know, some fly, some crawl.  Some look like cadavers, others like rock stars.  It's up to the writer.

Whatever you choose is fine.

Quoted from Dreamscale I don't know, Sean...how does he remember how to walk?  How to talk?  How to brush his teeth? I don't think losing your memory means you can't do things that come naturally to you. I don't mean to argue, though.  Just wanted to bring up a few things.  All vampires are different, anyways.  You know, some fly, some crawl.  Some look like cadavers, others like rock stars.  It's up to the writer. Whatever you choose is fine.

That was also in the dialogue. He can remember everything until he was bitten/became a vampire.

I have no problem with us being different. It gives us something to talk about. =)

Zack and Sean,

just read this while at work. I agree with Jeff here and also what Ste brought up about Van's inconsistent character.

I know what you were trying to do with this script and I admire that. Having a dark character piece where the character goes from confusion to paranoia to fear and so on. I like stuff like that, but it's really hard to pull off. Every move, every gesture the character makes and every word has to matter a lot! What you're really trying to do is take what goes on inside his head and show it to us visually. IMHO, what you did wrong here is showing us a bunch of stuff that David does that doesn't matter to the story at all. You have almost the first page David waking up and brushing his teeth. That does not move the story forward and is also dull to watch for a minute. It's almost 10% of this film...  He checks his watch. You show us what time it is. I took that as important to the story and paid attention to it, but it turns out it didn't matter to the story at all. I guess what I'm trying to say here is that, the idea is fine, but you have to make everything matter in the script for us to want to watch and find it interesting and intriguing.

Btw, who wrote the phone # in blood on the door and why and who's blood was it?

Check how many times you have sentences that start with "He".

How lovely? Is that a guy talking?

Hope this is of some help. I have a hard time explaining what I mean sometimes. Especially in text.  :)

Thanks for reading, Pia.

Yeag, Van was kind of inconsistent, wasn't he? What can I say?

Yes, it's slow and some of it's unimportant. Brushing his teeth, the act, was unimportant, but it brought him to the phone number. Checking the time wasn't important but the time on the watch meant that at that point, the sun was in the sky right outside his front door (in other words, he's trapped in there).

As for the blood, the why and the who,you can assume but does it really matter who did it, in the end? For all we know, David could've written it and it could've been his phone that Van had. But, it wouldn't change the story as it's shown.

Yeah, I know. I had it usually alternate between David and he, but I was told that David was wasted space.

Yep. I say that every now and then when I like to mess people up on the phone, change my speech pattern. Van probably did it for fun.

Yes, it was, Pia You explained it just fine. Once again, how lovely of you to read this. =)

-Sean

Hey guys,

Why does Van waste his time playing with the guy? He could have killed him. I remember a story written in that perspective but the author and the title escape me at the moment. You should look at it since it could probably help you with this.

Why does the number have to be in the bathroom? It could be found in the same room where David is sleeping in.

You ahve two options with this script. Either make it short or long.

Gabe

So every 24 hrs. a vamps memory is rebooted. Interesting take. May help them deal wih the guilt. At the same time, though, they would again have to learn that the sun burns them, they hunger for human blood, crosses repell them. Everyday? Wouldn't be much a survival for vamps if they couldn't learn from their mistakes IMO.

I agree with above review... I would've thought Van would've just killed him. I don't get why he wants to make him suffer, then say a prayer for his soul after he dies. That doesn't sound like a man of god.

Other then that I was interested and found it fresh. A decent short that has alot of potential.

This vampire gave in way too easily.  I just don't believe he would willingly walk into sunlight and kill himself.  It seems once he realized he was a vampire, he would understand he had certain powers.  He should have invited Van and his boys to come in and kill him, if they dare.  So, it was a pretty uninspired ending.

As Jeff mentioned earlier,  way too much gabbing going on.  And, I'm still not sure why the guy was there in the motel and why Van had him sedated the whole time.  Why not just kill him in the first place?

In your phone conversations, the unseen person should have a V.O. next to his name, not an O.S.  O.S. implies that the character is in the same physical location, but is just offscreen.

Good luck with the rewrites.