High School Massacre by Jalen Smith - Thriller - One year ago, a student was murdered during Fuller High School's annual football homecoming. Now, exactly one year later, students at Fuller High must face their past and pay the price for what they've done when a killer wearing the same mask as their high school mascot preys on them during homecoming. All secrets will be revealed. 97 pages - pdf, format 8)

I think this script has been done before.  I'm pretty sure that I saw a teen slasher movie when it was revealed that one of the faculty members was the murderer.

Donna stating that being a senior is so cool was a bit much.  You said that it was near the end of senior year later on the script, so that part was redundant.

Girls flock to the ladies' room either because nature calls or because they want to gossip.  Donna's corpse would have been found sooner or the killer couldn't have put it in there at all.

The killer also improvised a lot.  He didn't use a knife or a gun.  Just anything that was at hand.  This is hard to take because he must be pretty confident that he can pull it off.  Of course, Rhodes was crazy.

I suggest a rewrite in which not everything is explained so much in the dialogue.  And there needs to be more action scenes.  Before the main massacre, the script comes to a dead stop (no pun intended) in many parts.

Just some thoughts.  Richard

Richard,

Thank you for the feedback! I know I'm late, but do you know where it's been done before? Like, what film? (just for my personal gain...I love murder mystery-type films!)

And I have done some rewriting on it, and I do know what you mean about the dead stop action. I've been reading and researching on some suspense writing techniques and I think it's help me build a more intense story.

Thanks.

Jalen

'The Faculty' perhaps?


Phil

Ahh. I love The Faculty. Great film. But it's not necessarily JUST teachers that are killing, they're transforming. But I know what you're saying.

Quoted from dogglebe 'The Faculty' perhaps? Phil

That had aliens in it.

Mhmm, Shelton, that's what I was thinking. It's still pretty good though.