Corrupt by Alex Hajna - Short, Drama - Nathan has nothing left to live for. 12 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi,

Nicely written piece. I could (generally) visualise what was happening and the story had a nice pace to it. Interesting Logline.

There are some basic issues with it....

I'm not sure what you're expecting from the additional descriptions of time (later, that same morning etc.) How will these be represented on screen. Remember this is a screenplay you're writing not a story and therefore, you need to 'show' not 'tell'.

I think we could do with some descriptions of the characters (age at least)

You can't just say it's his elder sister. Again you need to show this in some sort of way (through dialogue perhaps)

Personally, it doesn't bother me, but I know some people object to camera directions (PAN, CLOSEUP etc.) in a spec script.

She's not drunk for once - we've seen her drunk once. If she's generally drunk again you need to show not tell.

He drops dead - I thought he was already on the floor in agony (or did I read that wrong)

And why is called Corrupt?

I hope the above is useful. It's quite basic and easy to correct.

Regarding the story....for me personally, great Shorts are always about great endings and I'm afraid the ending to this was simply disappointing.....predictable, unsurprising and cliche'd. Sorry. If you could put some oomph into the ending and correct the basics you might have a good short on your hands.

Good luck.