Confessions by Robert Chipman (tailbest) - Short, Drama - Two men have a personal discussion. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

First you tell us that Brian is walking up the steps with both hands inside his sweatshirt pockets, but in the action right after that you tell us that he is on his cell phone. I think it would be best to describe the scene right after the scene heading too, something like " Rain thunders down creating a large puddle at the base of the steps -- A foot slams into it sending splashes of water all around -- This foot belongs to so-and-so, he gabbles away on a cell phone"

There wasn't really any closure to the story for me, what happened? Was Brian actually crazy or did the priest rape him when he was little?

I think you can cut Adam from this script, he is a usless character in the story, although he does allow us to get to know Brain more by the conversation he has with him, but that can also be brought to our attention when Brian speaks with the priest, which is the reason why he's in the church in the first place.

Lightfoot pretty much echoed everything I was going to say. As for the teenager, I agree he can be cut. If your intention for including him was to show that Brian was an okay guy, then maybe, but I think us "feeling" for Brian is going to result from the story he tells the priest and not a random act of kindness...

You should also read this over for spelling and formatting, and I would use FATHER THYMES instead of STANLEY - I think it grabs the reader more.

Lightfoot/AJ,

Thanks for the information about the character Adam. I kind of wanted to show Brian looking out for someone who could end up like him while also trying to provide some character development. This story was a bit of a rush job, and I know there are errors in this that needs to be cleaned up. I wrote this within about an hour and wanted to just get some initial feedback story-wise. With the information provided, I will go back and try to make corrections to this. Thanks for checking this story out.

Rob

A bit too predictable given the Church's recent scandals.

Was Brian somebody who wanted the Priest's "love?"

I thought this script went on too long, especially when I think you missed the real meat of the story.

SPOILERS

Brian seeks revenge on a priest who molested him as kid.  The problem, for me, is that I didn't feel any of Brian's pains.  I didn't feel what he went through as a id; I don't feel what he's going through as an adult.  He and the priest are going back and forth:  "You molested me."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did."  "No I didn't."  "Yes, you did..."  

It actually reminded me of the argument sketch from Monty Python.  You could easily take out the references of molestation and substituted stealing a car, and no one would be the wider.

Adam's character was not needed, and his part took 2.5 pages of a 10 page script.  The real story is between Brian and the priest.  If you rewrite this, you should concentrate on them and dig deep into what they're talking about.

Oh, and give Brian a better gun.  A light jacket can stop a .22 round.


Phil

Hi - I enjoyed the read reminded me of  the Sixth Sense scene in the church - could Adam have been there to see the priest maybe? Like some of the others who gave feedback, it felt that there was no conclusion to it, and there was no real mystery as to who was right or wrong - I think there needs to be some clues as to who did what - maybe these clues could be evidenced if Adam was to be cut, and then the dialogue developed between the priest and Brian?

Simon