Soulshadows II: Caine by Gabriel Moronta  (mr. ripley) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - After covering up a heinous act, Caine thinks his in the free and clear. Not realizing though, he's just set himself up for a new quest: to save his life.   31 pages - pdf, format 8)

Soulshadows II: Caine (revised draft) by Gabriel Moronta  (mr. ripley) (Tanis by Robert Newcomer) - Series, Supernatural - After covering up a heinous act, Caine thinks he's in the free and clear. Not realizing though, he has set himself up for a new quest: to save his life. 31 pages - pdf, format 8)


Listen to the Audio Performance
Enjoy other scripts in the SoulShadows II Series or the first season of SoulShadows

I just want to say thanks for now and wait into I get a couple of reviews before I start commenting.

Thanks Don for posting this.

Thanks Michael Cornetto for creating this series and allowing us writers to be a part of something this great.

Thanks Bert for being so patient with me and providing your comments.

Hope you guys and gals enjoy the enjoy the story.

Gabe

Well it was certainly interesting and with names like Caine, Gabriel and Christian it wasn't that hard to figure out who exactly the guy had killed.   That being said I had a hard time with this script.  It could have been really good but for some reason the voice over man talking about how life works and stuff just kept pulling me out of the story, seriously if I had been watching this on the TV I would have been shouting for him to just shut up.

also not sure why but it took a few reads for my brain to make sense of

"I’ll show you’ll fairness." as I couldn't figure out how to pronounce "you'll" nothing sounded right in my head

Hey Darren

Thanks for the read.

I wanted to do something different in the series that the other writers haven't done. I saw no one did a narrator type story so I wanted to try it. It was my first time using this type of story telling so it's going to be a hit or miss.  

"That "you'll" is a typo. lol. Can't catch them all." Ignore this. lol.  

Thanks for commenting and when I do a revision of this I'll take everything into consideration.

Gabe

Gabriel,

Congrats on the SS II entry. Nice chance to display your writing.

Here are my comments:

*** SPOILERS ***

Overall, I was a bit confused when I finished reading and listening to the script. The teenage girl was the "playful bitch?" Also, I got the impression that Christian was the devils's servant with the talk about his collecting what was his per their deal?

Good visual of Christian's returning the ring at the burial site. Chewing dirt? Very cool. I also liked the visual of the accident at the end.

Use of the dark space everytime the MAN was talking was a block to the visual flow of the script. Perhaps making the darkness gradually get lighter as the story progresses?

Narrations are tricky. The use of the "playful bitch" and how unfair life is bordered on being repetitive and intrusive to the story.

Good job on delaying the reveal of the brothers and their fight over a girl; however, it might have added a bit more tension to have that revealed earlier. Killing a sibling always ups the ante. Over a girl, add some more ante.

The elderly man could have been an obstacle rather than the guy who holds the door for Caine. Also, the description of the "scratch" could have been more compellling as a visual.

I liked your writing. Clean, no asides; not sure if the flashbacks or the longish speeches by Chrisitian were necessary.

The story was good and told in a different order, plus the use of narration, so kudos on trying something different.

Bert,

Good job with Tanis. It was short, tight and appropriate for the story. I could see the wine glass and the ring. Did you consider having Tanis cough up the ring in a cloud of dust similar to Christian? Just curious.

Look forward to the next SS II entry "TANIS." I wonder how you'll handle the opening and closing for that one! I'll have to wait until May...

Gary

Thanks Gary

I'm at work at the moment so I'm going to answer a few, leaving the rest for later when I arrive home.

Quoted Text Overall, I was a bit confused when I finished reading and listening to the script. The teenage girl was the "playful b****?" Also, I got the impression that Christian was the devils's servant with the talk about his collecting what was his per their deal?

I have a tendancy of making confusion but you hit the nail on the head with Christian being the devil's servant. I actually intended the teenage girl I reference at the end as his next victim. But I like you're interpretation of her. I'm still playing around the idea of making a series based on him so...

Quoted Text Good visual of Christian's returning the ring at the burial site. Chewing dirt? Very cool. I also liked the visual of the accident at the end.

Thanks. I really like that scene too.

Quoted Text Use of the dark space everytime the MAN was talking was a block to the visual flow of the script. Perhaps making the darkness gradually get lighter as the story progresses?

I was actually trying to do it. lol. But decided to not make so quickly visible till the end. But I'll see what I can do in the revision.

"Good job on delaying the reveal of the brothers and their fight over a girl; however, it might have added a bit more tension to have that revealed earlier. Killing a sibling always ups the ante. Over a girl, add some more ante."

I found the murder as the significant storyline. The reason behind it not so much significance.  

"The elderly man could have been an obstacle rather than the guy who holds the door for Caine."

I was using this as something oddly wrong. Even though the elderly man doesn't know about it, he's still assiting Caine in his plan.  

"Also, the description of the "scratch" could have been more compellling as a visual."

Can you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure how much emphasis I could have placed on the scratch.

"I liked your writing. Clean, no asides; not sure if the flashbacks or the longish speeches by Chrisitian were necessary."

Thanks about the clean writing. Those Christian speeches were intended to explain Caine's thoughts as if he's telling the story to someone else.  

"The story was good and told in a different order, plus the use of narration, so kudos on trying something different."
Thanks for kind comments. lol. I'm going to work on this in my next revision of caine.

Ya if you cut out a few of the narrations it may make it more readable because as grademan says they do tend to get a bit repetitive which is the main reason I was finding them distracting and totally ruining the flow of the story

Darren,

I tried something new. I have to work on the execution. Hopefully my other short on this guy will be better. There'll be no narration. lol.

Gabe

Quoted from grademan Did you consider having Tanis cough up the ring in a cloud of dust similar to Christian? Just curious.

Only for the briefest of moments -- but it just didn't seem to suit Tanis.

And to me, that is one of Gabe's creepiest images -- so I probably would not have wanted to duplicate it anyway.

Quoted from grademan Look forward to the next SS II entry "TANIS." I wonder how you'll handle the opening and closing for that one!

Me, too.  I have been waiting a long time to get this story out there.

The introduction and conclusion are very short, actually.  I had to trim quite a bit to get it down to the proper length.  Which means only the best parts are left  :)

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Darren, I tried something new. I have to work on the execution. Hopefully my other short on this guy will be better. There'll be no narration. lol. Gabe

Look forward to reading it.  However I hate to think I made you change it too much.  I think that narration at the beginning and end of the story would be enough to set the mood and tie it up neatly.

No worries. I always take people's comments when I revise. But in all honesty, my next short on this guy, I'm thinking about not using narration. This doesn't me I'm trying to avoid it but just not using it for the time being.

The first problem I have with this piece is it's like we now have two narrators. First Tanis and then this man. Made for a subpar opening IMO. Good work on Tanis and the man's opening dialogue is good. Just felt off being structured that way. I would've had something happen first before this guy gives another intro to the same story.
pg. 3-- dog statute or statue? Needs a fixer.

and now my head is RING-ing.

pg. 8
Caine leaves quicker.(needs a fix)

CAINE
You didn’t get that far. You hang
upped.
Needs fixed.

pg. 26
GRACE
Tell him his busy.

pg. 9
a man who be handsome (would be okay if tanis were typing this)

The chewing of the dirt and coming out of the ground scene was slick. Kudos there. Nice turn at the end of the first act. Aaah, the game is afoot.

Too much repetition for me, ring, ring, bite, bite, and then flashback to a scenes we've already been? I know you're trying to drive home something. Just not for me.

pg. 14
No FOOTSTEPS.??

So are we to assume that Life is the boss? Life doesn't exist without the living. Essentially, we make her. Would have rather been it be mother nature or mother earth playing these two. She calls back all the things that are born from her, and has fun doing it.

Anyways, this would be better as a stand alone script. Having two narrators is too much for a SS IMO.

There is a good story there. Just needs some better construction. Put on your hard hat.

Bert, Tanis read well, very clean writing. Good work.

Edit: I just read, from previous posts that I was wrong about who Christian was supposed to represent. I didn't get that at all from the script. He just kept referring to life being a bitch. I may have missed something tho... Can't find where i just set my beer down. Good luck...

Hello Gabriel,

I thought this was done quite well with a kind of morose feel to it that came through very well. Easily I could picture the footage as so very limited in light-- black with hints of blue light giving subtle hints of animate life, but also keeping us asking the question of whether or not this is all but a dream after all.

The first thing I want to point out is that you had a lot of typos. The most glaring is in your logline:

After covering up a heinous act, Caine thinks his in the free and clear. Not realizing though, he's just set himself up for a new quest: to save his life.

Try and watch those typos.

On a funny note, when I read

Caine pummels Gabriel with punches. Then, grabbing a rock,
he blunges Gabriel.

I thought, Hmmm... shouldn't that be, bludgeones? So I guess it might be either a UKism or a Gabism, but in any case, I hafta, I absolutely hafta use "blunges" in something! It's an absolutely fabulous word! :)

OK so what are the problems with this script?

Mainly I think that there might be a bit of uncertainty as to what's really going on.

Here:

GABRIEL
But...

CAINE
You heard his screams over the
phone. He’s dead. That was part of
the agreement you and I made. The
other part is collecting you.

Made me feel that this was more of Gabriel and Caine being caught up in a kind of weird time-loop. That was my overall impression throughout until the end and then I felt confused. I'm just not sure. I only have the feeling from this:

GABRIEL
I’m going to propose today.

EXT. FOREST - DAY (FLASHBACK)

Caine’s hanging upside down looking at Christian.

CHRISTIAN
You saw what I did and gave your
brother. You understand what
happened back there. He won’t stop
till he fulfills it. You’re job is
to stop him. If he fulfills his
purpose, you’re hers.

That Cain is in love with Grace and wants to stop Gabriel from proposing.

I strongly felt that the story had fizzled out for me on page 25 when

MAN
The end. Gabriel gets the girl and
Caine rots.
(pauses, then CHUCKLES)
C’mon. That happy ending is for the
movies and ficition. Rarely does
this happen in life. Only the
select few and Gabriel is not one
of them. Welcome to the real world.

I feel like the lengthy speeches like this get a bit too tiring after awhile. Especially considering the shortness of the piece.

I definitely think this piece almost has it. Tweak up the clarity, add some genuine character motivation, lose the lengthy speeches and it will be there.

Also, this:

Reclining back, he kicks-up spitting out the contents in the
form of a small black dust cloud.

Is a very strong image. It pulls us right in and makes us feel it.

Sandra

Thanks jwent668 and sandra for yor comments,

It was a risky business in doing two narrators but, as I said near the beginning of this thread, I wanted to add something new to the series and experiment with that story form.

It was another risky busines in having him talk alot but I felt as if I didn't he would be forgotten. lol. But your comment is noticed and I will take care of this in the revision.  

I take this comment:  
"pg. 9 a man who be handsome (would be okay if tanis were typing this)"
as a compliment. lol.

Here was my intention:
Christian was serving Tanis. She gets the soul while he gets the body.

The whole life thing: Life was unfair to him so he's going to be unfair to everybody. I'm actually considering towards writing a series based on Christian. I already have a idea of a short with him in mind thats why I put the pictures of that female teenager in the end.

That is a typo bludgeones. I thought I fixed that. lol. Duly noted.

To sandra,

I thought I made clear Christian's special ability when he was with Gabriel at the forest. He becomes Caine so that Caine can be identified.

Hope this helps smooth out some of the confusion.
Gabe

  

Quoted Text    "Also, the description of the "scratch" could have been more compellling as a visual." Can you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure how much emphasis I could have placed on the scratch.

Obviously, the director will decide what to do with the scratch but I thought it could be described as a jagged cut or something similar. Scratch just seemed so nondescript.

Gary

Hey Gabe,

Listened to this one first then read it. I'm still kinda at a loss for what actually happens here. I get the jist of it but it seems like Christian isn't treated properly for the roll his character is meant to play here. Obviously, he's pulling the strings here, pitting the brothers against each other or whatnot. But most of his screen time goes into the scenes in between in the DARK ROOM. Obviously, this stuff needs to be trimmed as others have mentioned but I wouldn't remove it entirely from the script. I definitely think this stuff added flavor to the story (to an extent before becoming repetitive). Anyway, I think the scenes in which he's actually involved in story events, I think we should get a little more of him and what he's about. I felt like he's sorta meant to define the story but doesn't quite do it in the right way.

The chewing dirt... yeah, it was pretty sweet. The highlight for me. Very different, very creepy... a little gross. A nice touch.

There were a few instances of actual action that seemed strange to me. You mention Caine putting Gabriel's upper and lower body in separate bags. Did he chop him up or something? If so, I don't think you even hinted at it. Very confusing. Same goes for Caine being pulled up into the air. As in suspended animation? I'd imagine Christian would have these kinda powers. In any case, you should explain more.

Sorry this review couldn't be more helpful. I did have a fair deal of trouble getting through the script. Not because it was bad but very confusing. I think that's the biggest issue of the script as of now.

Thanks for the read James. I appreciate any comments.

I have a tendancy of making confusion, but I think it's those dark room scenes that make it confusing. There's a lot of trimming needed in this and a lot of organization in terms of where to put the dark room scenes. Those are my two checkpoints for my next revision.

Hopefully everyone will enjoy my sequel. There's no narratgion. lol.

At least everyone is in agreement about the chewing dirt scene. lol. I'm amazed in myself that I actually came up with that.

And Grademam,
I didn't notice you responded. I see what you were talking about but the scratch I had in mind was ordinary as if some scratched you with their fingernails. I could ahve described it that way but wanted people to get their own thoughts on it.

Gabe

Hey Gabriel, just found this today.  I recently went through a big move and have been trying to settle in, meaning I haven’t had the time (or internet) I’m used to.  Anyway, I found it and I see there aren’t too many reviews yet, so I’ll throw my 24 bucks in.

I took page by page notes, so this is going to be a double post.  Although this may seem very detailed, I actually didn’t include everything I saw, and after about page 15, I only included mistakes that were very glaring and had to be brought up.

Gabe, I hate writing these kinds of reviews.  I really do.  But, as always, I’m going to be 100% honest here and not beat around any bushes.  This was a very, very painful and difficult read for me…in every way.  Writing, IMO, was pretty poor.  Typos and grammatical mistakes were jarringly abundant on every single page.  Story was impossible to follow and almost nonexistent, IMO.  The use of the narration was incredibly clumsy, painful, and irritating.  Let’s get into it and see what happened here…

This came off as if it were incredibly rushed and slapped together, with very little thought put into it.  The amount of simple mistakes makes me think that you didn’t even proofread it once.  I mean it’s almost impossible to catch every single mistake on your own, but again, you’ve got multiple, simple mistakes on every page and there’s just no excuse for that.  It comes off as if you don’t care, and because of that, it’s tough for me as a reader to care…but I do, and that’s why I’m spending the time to help out here.

No clue what this was all about story-wise.  I’ve read all the reviews and see that I’m not alone, as various people thought various things and I doubt anyone actually “got this” completely.  We’ve got a 28 page script here (not including Bert’s Tannis sections), and IMO, what takes place could easily be written in less than 12 pages.  You are WAY overwriting almost everything, on every page.  You’re giving so much detail on such mundane things that no one cares about.  The best example of this is on the first 7 pages…it just goes on and on for no reason whatsoever.  This leads me to believe that there isn’t much story here…and there’s really not.  Whether or not Caine killed Gabriel, Gabriel killed Caine, or whatever actually happened, that’s an awful lot of pages to get that across, and you didn’t even get it across.

Other than overwriting ridiculously, your use of narration is gut wrenchingly painful.  I just don’t understand what your intent even was, or why you chose to use this.  It does not work in any way, and is a major problem in the script itself.  The fact that you chose to use an unnamed “man” as your narrator (who actually appears to be Christian), narrating from a pitch black room, makes zero sense.  Picture the visuals during these long narrations…black screen for the most part….no visual.  Why is Christian even telling us all this garbage?  Who is he supposed to be and why all of a sudden is he fucking with Caine and Gabriel?  I just don’t have a clue.

As for your characters, again, I’m really pretty much clueless, mainly because I don’t know what actually happened or even why.  I don’t see much personality from anyone, other than Christian, but he comes off like a weird narrator/evil clown type.  I don’t even know if he’s supposed to be real or not.  Caine comes off as a…uh…hmmm…not much of anything.  His interactions with Gabriel don’t seem like they’re brothers or even friends.  He seems stupid, based on his dialogue.  Other than that, we don’t know a single thing about him, his life, his likes/dislikes…nothing.  I don’t think we even know what he looks like, do we?  Gabriel’s the same deal…flatline, lifeless (literally for the first half of the script!), and completely nondescript.  The only other character is the chick and I can’t even remember her name, let alone anything about her personality.

Gabe, I know you’re most likely cussing me out about now and wishing I didn’t come across this script.  I’m sorry for my bluntness and harsh tone.  I mean that.  I don’t mean to put you down or anything like that at all, but what I’ve said here is the truth, and sometimes the truth doesn’t feel so great.

IMO, this is way beyond repair, as I don’t even see a cognoscente story here.  The structure is so off and impossible to follow. There are so many mistakes littering every page, as well as so much awkward writing and phrasing.

This is a huge misfire for me in literally every way possible.  I hope what I’ve said here makes sense and helps you in your future writing.  I am more than happy to go into more detail on anything I’ve brought up here, or that you may have questions on.  Just let me know.  Take care, Bud.

Page by page notes

Page 1 – The wrylie – “(she reaches into the cabinet)” – doesn’t look good at all, and IMO, should be part of the action, not a wrylie.

Why is there a “(CONTINUED)” at the bottom as well as a “CONTINUED:” at the top of Page 2, but nowhere else?  IMO, these should never be used, as they’re just a waste of space, but usually, it continues throughout the entire script.  Must be an oversight that needs to be pulled out.  EDIT – It goes back and forth…some pages have it, some don’t.  Get rid of all of them!

Page 2 – Uh oh…a HUGE VO that isn’t even labeled as a VO.  The scene is pitch black, so this is obviously a VO, right?  I dislike using something like “man” very much.  We’ll see if he turns into a named character later, but either way, IMO, all characters that have speaking roles need to be named.  Biggest issue is the fact that this VO goes on for at least 30 seconds over a pitch black screen.  Not the way you want to start things off at all, IMO.  EDIT – This “man” indeed has a name and he’s a main character, meaning not labeling him right off the bat is a cheat and incorrect.

Using a wrylie here “(snaps fingers)” is also an issue, as we can’t see him doing this…it’s merely a sound effect, and I don’t see the relevance for it at all.

Page 3 – OK, here we go…I have to assume that “RING” relates to the cell phone ringing.  I don’t like how you structured this at all.  It reads oddly and is even a bit confusing as well.  5 rings…do cell phones really ring 5 times before they go to voice mail?  Usually not.

“A dog statute is discovered a few feet away from him. Blood covers the bottom portion of the statue.” – “is discovered”?  By whom?  Odd phrasing.  “of the statue” – no reason to repeat this…simply use “it”…it will read much better and save space.

No reason for the comma after “muffled” – makes no sense and makes this phrase very confusing.  I’m confused even more now about these earlier “RINGs”…if a melody now plays (like most cell phones have), what was the “RING” stuff all about?

Back to the “DARK ROOM” – why?  We can’t see anything?  If you want this stuff to be VO, then simply have it play over whatever scene is on.  It makes no sense like this at all and would be terrible to watch a pitch black screen for no reason at all.

“What many people consider has the end is simply the beginning.” – This line makes no sense at all.  “has the end”?  Huh?  Maybe “has” is supposed to be “as”.

Page 4 – “Caine’s looking at Gabriel.” – Classic passive phrasing at its worst.

Sorry Gabe, but the writing on this page is pretty poor, IMO.  Just doesn’t read well at all.  The stuff about stuffing the body into 2 garbage bags isn’t going to work either, unless Gabriel weighs less than 50 pounds and is a midget.

Where is Gabriel’s cell phone?  How do we keep seeing the callers?  If it’s on Gabriel’s body, we obviously couldn’t see Jack Shit, so I have to assume it’s sitting somewhere in the room, but you didn’t tell us that.

“New names pop up on Gabriel’s cellphone as Caine uses up all the garbage bags on Gabriel.” – “cell phone” is 2 words.  This sentence is extremely awkward and a perfect example of what’s wrong with the writing here.

Page 5 – Back to the “DARK ROOM” again.  I’m going to keep bringing this up every time it happens, cause it just doesn’t make any sense to me.  If you want VO’s, then simply use them over the scene playing.

“With a huge duffel bag on the floor, Caine packs the bag with some of Gabriel’s clothes and shoes.” – Another painfully awkward sentence.  Read this over and hopefully you’ll see that it doesn’t even make sense the way it’s worded.  If you don’t understand what’s wrong here, I’d be happy to go into more detail through E-Mail or whatever.

Need a comma between “pauses” and “glancing”.

“How’s he going to take this down and where to put them?” – Oh boy, the dreaded aside, that accomplishes absolutely nothing.

“a large laundry bag”?  Huh?  He stuffs an assumed adult male body into a laundry bag?  Sorry, but I can’t for the life of me picture this.

Page 6 - General note – OK, we’re now 5 pages in and it’s actually shocking how little has happened of relevance.  You are WAY OVER DESCRIBING mundane things that have nothing to do with this “story”.  IMO, you easily could and should have wrapped up this scene in less than 2 pages.

Page 7 – Is this “BRICK BUILDING” the same building as described earlier as simply “BUILDING”?  If so, use 1 of these as your SLUG, and stick with it.

“to” between “it” and “the.

Another transition back to a black screen for our “mystery man” to give us some meaningless banter.  Not working at all, sorry to say.

Page 8 – You’ve got “DEEP HOLE” and “HOLE” as SLUGS – again, you can’t use different names for the exact same scenes.

“Caine leaves quicker.” – Quicker than what?  Sounds terrible.

OK, so now, finally, this “DARK ROOM” isn’t pitch black any longer.  

No need for a comma after “like” in the man’s speech. Makes no sense this way.

“Unbeknowst” – “Unbeknownst”

Page 9 – I’m totally confused.  We’ve just gone from Caine burying the body at night to the DARK ROOM”, and now we’re back in the same forest, but it’s day.  Am I missing something here?

“…a man who be handsome if he didn’t have a scratch on his left cheek.” – Very, VERY awkward.  If nothing else, you need “would” between “who” and “be”.  But the comment about a “scratch” on his cheek is odd.  A “scratch” is small, and usually fresh.  I think you mean something more like a “gash” or scar.

“Chad in black…” – Should be “Clad”.

The entire description of what Christian is doing is extremely awkward and hard to follow.  The descriptive words you’ve chosen aren’t working and you’re missing lots of punctuation which is adding to the problems in me being able to visualize any of this.

You’ve got another “(CONTINUED)” at the bottom of the page, followed by “CONTINUED:” at the top of the next page.

Page 10 – “eyecontact” – “eye contact”

“Caine watches Christian say something to Gabriel but, unfortunately, he can’t hear it.” – Again, very, very awkward with punctuation in the wrong places, making it almost impossible to read.

“He doesn’t pass more than a couple of trees before his swooped up and hanging upside down.” – Very awkward again.  “his” should be “he’s”, but the “hanging upside down thing is in a different tense completely.

The next line sounds like a POV shot, but you haven’t marked it as such.

“…eating a apple.” – “eating an apple.”

More “CONTINUED” on the bottom and top of the page – I won’t bring these up anymore, but they need to be deleted.

Page 11 – I’m clueless at this point.  Christian’s long speeches are odd at best.  He sounds just like the “man” from the dark room.  He’s speaking like he’s narrating, and it’s not working at all, IMO.

Page 12 – Oh boy, now we’ve got “GABRIEL’S HOME” as the Slug, which before was “GABRIEL’S APARTMENT”.  You’ve got to stay consistent in your Slugs!!!

And then, you’ve got “DARK AREA” as opposed to “DARK ROOM”!  WTF????

And next line, you switch back to “GABRIEL’S APARTMENT”.  Unreal!!!!!

“whose” – “who’s”

Page 13 – back to the “DARK ROOM” again.  Oh man, this is a painful read, my friend…PAINFUL!

Page 14 – In the “man’s” speech – “Won’t he?” should be “Wouldn’t he?”

“On the table, the dog statute is missing.” – We’ve never seen this scene before, so we wouldn’t realize the dog statue is supposed to be on the table.  You’re just telling us this…in a filmed version, we’d be looking at an empty table and wondering what the fuck we’re supposed to be seeing.

General note – you keep using the word “statute”, when I think you mean “statuette”.  A “statute” is a written piece of legislature.

General note – I’ve stopped taking such detailed notes, as mistakes are running rampant and this review is taking way too long.  Sorry to say, but I don’t find the writing or the story worth it at this point.

Page 17 – “stick and stones…” – “sticks and stones”.  “Call me a asshole…” – “Call me an asshole…”

Page 20 – “You hang upped.” – “You hung up.”

Page 21 – “blunges” – “bludgeons”

Page 22 – “fact” – “face”

Page 23 – WTF???? Fake Gabriel?  “The FAKE GABRIEL towers over him.” – Towers over who?  You haven’t set this scene at all.  I’m completely clueless as to what the fuck is going on here!

“D answer.” – What in the world does that mean?

“F.” – And what does this mean?

Page 24 – “Gabriel’s on top of Grace, kissing and removing each other’s clothes off.” – Horribly awkward!  Doesn’t even make sense as written, actually.

Page 26 – “where cuddles beside Grace.” – makes no sense as written.

“Tell him his busy.” – “he’s”

Page 29 – “Regaining our vision back, the room shaped.” – Again, this sentence makes zero sense as written.

So, I will respond to the one little piece directed at me haha.

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 1 - The wrylie - "(she reaches into the cabinet)" - doesn't look good at all, and IMO, should be part of the action, not a wrylie.

Had that been indented properly (as it was on mine), would you have been any less aggrieved, Jeff?

But I do need to add, that for very short actions, this is acceptable.  Particularly if the action takes place during the dialogue -- that is, this is what they are doing while speaking.

Also, note that this "action wrylie" takes only two lines -- had it been a stand-alone direction, it would have taken 3 or perhaps 4 lines, including the blank lines around it.

Conserving space is another reason to utilize this technique.

Now, I do know better than to try to change your mind about anything, format-wise -- but hope springs eternal, eh -- and there are some newer writers around that should know it is an acceptable option, even though it is not one utilized by all.

My Tanis episode should be fun for you and I -- I will be very curious to see what kind of rule-bending you can "barely" accept -- and what sends you into violent, sputtering conniptions   :)

Hey Bert, I realize that wrylies can be used in this manner...sparingly...very sparingly, which isn't the issue here.

I actually went back and forth and around and around with Michael Cornetto awhile back about these "action wrylies".  IMO, they are frowned upon (as are useless wrylies in general).  For me, they just don't look good or read well being placed inside of dialogue  Guess it's a personal thing for me.

Yes, if it was properly indented, I wouldn't even have brought it up, but as I noted, it doesn't look good the way it is.

HaHa...my mind can be changed!  I'm actually trying my damnedest not to bring up things format-wise that don't affect the overall script/story.  BUT, some things need to be brought up...things that are downright wrong...things that can be done better, or more appropriately, and things that don't look right or read well.

Can't wait to read your script, Bert!  Looking very forward to it.

Pardon me for butting in lads.

But. And it may be the whiskey talking, so, get yer fistfuls of salt ready....

Are we in the offices of some film company? What's the craic? Is someone a pro round here? Whassgoingon like? Who's to say what's right and what's wrong?

I'd be listening to them fellas with the green lights and cheque books and bog fat balances. Everything else is debatable.

Sorry. That post has been brewing for some months. Thought I'd better let it pop.

R

Ren, what is going on?  Have you read this script?  Didn't see a post from you.  What are you questioning here?

Seems like you're referring to my posts...is that correct?  The intent of all my reviews is 2-fold...to give my views/impressions and to help the writer.

I don't sugarcoat anything, don't throw out any BS, and I do my best to give constructive criticism, including exact examples that should help the writer.

Is that a problem for you?  Or am I missing something?

Gabe, I have all intention to read this. I've just been busy lately. Just got home tonight, but I'm too tired to read right now. Besides you probably wouldn't want me to read and comment tonight. :)

I appreciate all feedback good and bad and I always try to incorporate some of the feedback I recieve into my shorts. I can't accept it all since I still need a little bit of me in there. So, no debating here. :)

Hey Jeff. No problem about the read. Hope the move went well.

I'm going to respond to the first page. it may sound I'm upset but I'm really not. :)  

There's alot of things I'm going to disagree and agree.

HUGE SPOILERS!

Agree and disagree: This was my first attempt to use narration so, naturally I'm going to suck. :) But I wanted to try it out. I've learned alot which is afterall the important thing to do. And I have some ideas on how to probably improve this, the major one being the dark room scenes.

Disagree: I think there is a story worth being told here and I'm going to prove you wrong. And it's simple to follow if I didn't muddle it up by incorporating the dark room scenes and excessive dialgoue. I would admit that I should prob develop the characters a bit better (but I will argue I made a character arc for Caine [sane to insane to sane]).

I'm going to post the short's summary here:  

Caine kills Gabriel.

He dumps the body in a forest, trying to get away with the crime. (When you mention the overwriting I do, some of that overwriting is intended to create tension. For example, on pg.7, I'm trying to show he's having a tough time trying to transport the body. Doesn't that create tension?)

Chrisitian intervenes and brings Gabriel back. (They had a deal early on. I'll have to work on this.)  

Caine doesn't believe that Gabriel is alive. He tries to figure out if it is real.

Finding evidence that proves Gabriel's ressurection, he decides to kill him again.

He kills him in the forest. But he finds out that it's not really Gabriel, it's Christian (You could tell because of the scratch mark. I mentioned this when Christian first appears in the forest, when Gabriel appears after Caine killed him, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I should prob develop it a bit more but I can't think of a way how to).

Christian kills Caine while Gabriel, safe at his home, is having sex with Grace.

Christian takes Gabriel away.      

What gets people confused is the dark room scenes, my grammar (I'll talk about that tomorrow), and when Christian changes. I've come up with a way to fix the dark room scenes.

Grammar is a hit or miss. Can't get them all.

When it comes to Christian, I wanted Christian's ability to change as a surprise. As I pointed out in the summary, I tried to develop that by mentioning the scratch, by Gabriel's actions when he returns back after his murder, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I don't know what more I can do for now.

Part II comes tomorrow.

Gabe

Gabe,

finally got back to reading today and after having read 4 shorts, I decided it was your turn.

I have read all the other comments and agree with pretty much all of them. No need for me to go over everything again. It is true that you had a LOT of typos. Probably some grammar issues as well, but they usually are not visible to me so you're good there. I don't really know you, but isn't English your second language? Seems like I remember reading one time that Spanish is your native language. If so, I believe in being a little more lenient when it comes to the English part.

Anyway, I sort of understood the story here, but you need to clean it up and make it more clear for the reader and easier to follow. I was also very confused at times. If I were you, I would ditch the whole Dark Room and MAN part. I didn't really get anything out of that at all. If anything, I found the repetitiveness of life being a bitch sort of annoying and it did take me out of the story. If you decide too keep those scenes, I would like to know why it took place in the dark and also if the screen is supposed to be black. You should also have the Man's dialogue be in (V.O.).

You need to describe your characters better. Give us a better visual sense of who they are. Why did you for example write "he sees someone in the elevator"? A man, woman or child...  Why not write an elderly woman stands inside. "Someone" adds nothing to the story. Make that someone has some subtle meaning or such. Making it more interesting.

Jeff mentioned over writing and at times I found that to be true. Try to think that every single line in the script, whether action or dialogue needs to move the story forward. Too much descriptions or actions that don't matter should be cut.

"The elevator arrives. Opening the door, he finds SOMEONE inside.

Closing the door, he glances at the laundry bag. Presses the elevator button again.

The elevator arrives. Opening the door, he finds SOMEONE else inside.

Closing the door, he glances at the laundry bag. Pounds the elevator button.

The elevator arrives. He opens to find it finally empty and enters."

That piece there adds nothing IMHO. I think you wrote somewhere that it was supposed to create tension. I don't think that it does. It's just repetitive and would be boring to watch.

You also have a few things coming out of nowhere. Like the Fake Gabriel, but also in the forest when you mention that Caine is trying to shake the drowsiness. I didn't know he was drowsy in the first place.

All in all, I think you have a story buried in here ( ;) ) you just need to make easier for readers to follow. I do aplaude you for having written a 28 page script though. That in itself can be a chore for some.  

Pia  :)

Bert...Tanis drinking wine? I thought she was 13!    :o

Anyway, as always, your part puts the silver lining on all SS scripts.

Quoted from Dreamscale Ren, what is going on?  Have you read this script?  Didn't see a post from you.  What are you questioning here? Seems like you're referring to my posts...is that correct?  The intent of all my reviews is 2-fold...to give my views/impressions and to help the writer. I don't sugarcoat anything, don't throw out any BS, and I do my best to give constructive criticism, including exact examples that should help the writer. Is that a problem for you?  Or am I missing something?

Not a problem. As JL once said in Watching the Wheels "Only solutions". In my case quite a strong one that did the trick.

Nahw. I was refereeing to both your post and Bert's. As you lads seemed to be having a bitofa dingaling about not very much at all. That's all.

I don't know if you're missing anything. I lost a nail hammer earlier so I'm missing that.

I just can't see the point of doing a proofread type review. A few examples of errors would do. Some of the points you make are open for debate. I'd much rather read reviews about what actually happened in the script.

Technical type reviews are fine. I just don't see the point of them as it's likely most writers will rewrite the whole thing anyway.

Hey. You can do whatever you desire. I was just saying. Is all.

Obviously drink and dialup is almost as silly as drink and dial. So, where is the salt pinches?

R

Part II for Jeff

I appreciate the grammar you've caught. I'll take a look at that when I rewrite it. that's it. lol.

I can take critiques espcially the negative ones in any matter they come in. And I can tell which ones intended to hurt and those which are intended to help. But I didn't take too kindly when you said that I had no story.    

hey Pia,

Thanks for the read. I accept all kinds of comments since I'm learning in the art of storytelling. This is not first time I've been critiqued negatively.

The first half is dedicated to Caine getting rid of the body so I intended to put obstacles in his path such as waiting for the elevator since he can't carry a body down the stairs. But I'll see what I can do.

Thanks for the comments guys,

Gabe


    

Hey Gabe, wanted to respond to your responses. Glad you’re not upset, as that definitely wasn’t my intent.  Some don’t understand the relevance or appreciate a technical review, and that’s fine.  It seems like you’re cool with it, so I’m glad I could help.

The narration thing is completely up to you.  I was just pointing out that it didn’t work for me at all.  I agree the dark room thing needs to go and would help the script immediately.

Back to the “story”.  Even with your summary here, I’m still pretty clueless and left with many questions…so, I’ll kind of ask them in between your summary.  Gabe, I’m merely doing this so that I understand what’s going on, and you understand what’s not getting through to your readers.

Caine kills Gabriel. – OK, but why?  I would imagine this is important to both the plot/story, and Caine and Gabriel’s character.

He dumps the body in a forest, trying to get away with the crime. (When you mention the overwriting I do, some of that overwriting is intended to create tension. For example, on pg.7, I'm trying to show he's having a tough time trying to transport the body. Doesn't that create tension?)  Yeah, I got the part about burying the body…that was pretty clear.  No, as Pia also said, no tension was created by the overwriting, especially on page 7 (IMO).

Chrisitian intervenes and brings Gabriel back. (They had a deal early on. I'll have to work on this.)  This is where things get very muddy.  Who is Christian?  What does he have to do with Caine or Gabriel, and why would he “bring Gabriel back”?  Why is he narrating, and why is he constantly referring to nature being a bitch?  What does nature have to do with this?

Caine doesn't believe that Gabriel is alive. Is Gabriel really alive?  He tries to figure out if it is real.  Is he real?

Finding evidence that proves Gabriel's resurrection, he decides to kill him again.  OK, again, why?

He kills him in the forest. But he finds out that it's not really Gabriel, it's Christian (You could tell because of the scratch mark. I mentioned this when Christian first appears in the forest, when Gabriel appears after Caine killed him, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I should prob develop it a bit more but I can't think of a way how to).  Again, this is really confusing and muddy here.  What do you mean that “it’s not really Gabriel”?  Why would Christian turn into Gabriel, or vice versa?  I don’t think a small scratch would give this away, as there’s nothing leading up to this that would lead us to believe that would happen.

Christian kills Caine while Gabriel, safe at his home, is having sex with Grace.  Why would Christian kill Caine?

Christian takes Gabriel away.  Why?  Where?  

What gets people confused is the dark room scenes, my grammar (I'll talk about that tomorrow), and when Christian changes. I've come up with a way to fix the dark room scenes.  Yes, the dark room scenes are not only confusing, but unnecessary.  Agreed, when Christian “changes”, it comes out of left field and I still don’t get it at all.

Grammar is a hit or miss. Can't get them all.  That’s why I noted as many as I did.

When it comes to Christian, I wanted Christian's ability to change as a surprise. As I pointed out in the summary, I tried to develop that by mentioning the scratch, by Gabriel's actions when he returns back after his murder, and when Gabriel changes into Christian. I don't know what more I can do for now.   It’s a surprise alright, but not in a good way, as it doesn’t make any sense, IMO.  Gabriel changes into Christian also?  Now I’m really confused.

Part II

I can take critiques especially the negative ones in any matter they come in. And I can tell which ones intended to hurt and those which are intended to help. Hopefully, you know mine is meant to help.  But I didn't take too kindly when you said that I had no story.   Understood.  Hopefully, after you answer my questions, I will agree with you that there is a story here that makes sense…I don’t see it yet though.

Take care.

Thanks Don for posting the revision.

I changed a couple of things but kept some the same. Hopefully this makes better sense. Let me know what you think. Also, if you would like a read back, let me know as well.

Hey Dreamscale,

Sorry about getting back to you this late. Just some explanations.

Gabriel's first death, Caine just wanted Gabriel out of the way. simple. In Gabe's second death, I wanted Caine to kill Gabe in order to move the story along and that it was his only alternative. Caine can't simply talk to Gabe. I explain this through Christian's dialgoue "actions speak louder than words." This could be extended but we had restictions on these shorts.

Christian is a shapeshifter. He could become anyone he claims. I'm putting restrictions on this trait, but that's the idea. He is also (I'm still debating this) acting upon the Satin's requests in messing around with people. How would you feel if someone came back alive after you killed him?  

Hopefully the draft and my explanations makes more sense.

Gabe

I hate reading scripts like this. They make my head hurt and I feel stupid.

I read it, every word and nothing made any sense.  I think for me the problem is that your story feels like an empty husk with all the guts missing. You have very interesting visuals but no real plot, or any clear motive or dramatic problem.

A person is killed, buried in a forest then stuff happens or repeats itself, I'm not sure wihich. I loved the antics of Christian and how he chew dirt and raise Gabriel up out of the dirt. Christian had a real cool supernatural vibe going on.

The cut on the cheek felt important. Was dead Gaberial buried, then Christian morphed into Gabrieal and took on his persona?

Plus it felt like 30 pages was to long for your idea and your story was stretched thin. Did you struggle to get this story to fit the 30 page count?  

Visually this was stunning and the air of mystery and the blur between this being a supernatural encounter or just another trippy dream was very well done and gave your script a nice surreal touch.  But other then that I found this to be elusive, confusing and with as much substance as smoke.    

Thanks for the read Tonka

Any comments are appreciated. And I don't sound mad during any part of this review.

Quoted Text I hate reading scripts like this. They make my head hurt and I feel stupid.

lol. The reader's not suppose to feel that. That's the writer's feelings. lol.  It seems that alot of people are not getting this one, not like the first time this happens. But I tried to make this simple and then simpler with the revision.

Quoted Text I read it, every word and nothing made any sense.  I think for me the problem is that your story feels like an empty husk with all the guts missing. You have very interesting visuals but no real plot, or any clear motive or dramatic problem.

It's supernatural so  alot of stuff don't make sense. lol. But honestly, someone coming back from the dead is not a dramatic problem? Being told to kill him or you die is not a clear motive?

Quoted Text A person is killed, buried in a forest then stuff happens or repeats itself, I'm not sure wihich. I loved the antics of Christian and how he chew dirt and raise Gabriel up out of the dirt. Christian had a real cool supernatural vibe going on.

It's more that stuff happens than repeats. lol. Thanks for the Christian compliment.

Quoted Text The cut on the cheek felt important. Was dead Gaberial buried, then Christian morphed into Gabrieal and took on his persona?

Yes. The reason, simply too torment and ordered by Christian's boss. I explained in a previous post is that Christian is a shapeshifter. I hint this in the beginning so that the end makes sense.

Quoted Text Plus it felt like 30 pages was to long for your idea and your story was stretched thin. Did you struggle to get this story to fit the 30 page count?

Actually, no. lol. My struggle came in trying to explain as much as possible in a 30 pg. script.  I still think that I did a better job in the revision than the original, not being arrogant here. lol. But I think it makes more sense especially in what I added, modified and deleted.

Quoted Text Visually this was stunning and the air of mystery and the blur between this being a supernatural encounter or just another trippy dream was very well done and gave your script a nice surreal touch.  But other then that I found this to be elusive, confusing and with as much substance as smoke.

Thanks for the read and compliments.

Gabe

Mr. Ripley,

Good to see a rewrite of Caine. Visuals are still good. You changed up the story but it still lacks coherency which is my way of saying WTF? Point A should lead us to point B, etc. I felt like I was floundering in following the tale. I actually liked the first one better.

Hope this helps.

Gary

Hey Gary

Thanks. Do you mind telling me what parts are confusing you?

Hey Gabriel,

This was confusing to me whenever Christian was appearing as another person. For some reason, I had trouble keeping track of Caine and Gabriel - which of them was talking. dead, or responsible for what actions. Maybe too much bounding around or lack of a firm setup for the characters?

The story itself is confusing. My quick summary:

-- An older man  (unidentified) kills a couple in bed (also unidentified), the older man talks to the audience and then morphs into Christian (who may or may not be a demon).

-- The names of the dead couple are Gabriel and Grace who are later idenitifed as Caine's brother and Caine's ex-girlfriend.

-- Caine has a confusing conversation and experiences with Chrisitan in the woods.

-- Through some hocus pocus Caine goes back to the murder scene and kills Gabriel but Caine is really Christian so Christian's plan (whatever that was) worked.

I understand the desire to reveal info slowly in paranormal stories but it didn't work for me in this situation. I know you cleaned up your story with this draft but I think improvement is still needed to nail your story.

Maybe a scene at the beginning showing the couple in a happy situation and Caine looking on with a hurt look on his face would help set this up better. Then start Chirstian's dialog (which I think should still be VO otherwise we are just looking at him while talking).

I hope this clarifies my review above about the parts I found to be confusing.

Gary