3:10 to Hell by Joey Fidler (jmfidler) - Short, Horror, Western - A horror version of the films and short story Three-Ten to Yuma by Elmore Leonard 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

I did this for some writer friends as an experiment/discussion piece.  Could the concept of the source material be twisted into the horror genre? And if you are not familiar with the book or movies, does this short even make any sense?

Also, I still only have Final Draft 5 so I have to use cutepdfwriter to convert to pdf.  Does anyone know if there's a way to get the title page to convert along with it?

Voice should be (V.O.)

Not bad, Though I'd prefer zombies coming from the ground then Demons. I like to think that demons are the more intelligent type.

This read easy, which is good. Maybe becuz I've been there. seen this scene in 3:10 TY. but I gotta ay, you didn't improve IMO.

Just made it your own for a spell. If the name of Gabe was meant to be an angel, I would given more of a hint, but that's what I got.

Not bad tho, Not at all... Just not original. I think you could make this your own short without referencing 3:10 and it would be that... Original.... Good luck...   James

as a fan of 3:10, i knew i had to check this one out.

it was very well written and easy to follow. your descriptions were clear and concise.

however, im wondering how much of the dialogue was your own and how much was borrowed from 3:10. if the dialogue was 100% your own, then i would say that its really well written. but some of it seems a little too familiar...

anyways as far as the story is concerned, i think its a good idea, but thats about it. kinda reminded me of 3:10 mixed with drag me to hell. i wouldnt expand this, unless you ditch the 3:10 references and come up with your own, unique idea- because i agree with jwent.

so well worth the read and good job for what it is- a neat idea, but nothing more.

Thanks for the read, guys. No, I really doubt I'm going to expand on this.  It was just an experiment I played with shortly after the remake came out.

James, I'm torn with this.  The idea is Gabe could be hearing this voice in his head but it's actually just the guy sitting in the same room.  So should it be MAN (O.S.)?  As in Off Screen, since the voice is coming from a character in the same room.  I was thinking of it visually but I just went with VOICE for thematic reasons.

And Albinopenguin, the dialogue is mine but what they talk about is borrowed.  So yeah, it's going to be very familiar.  And I'm glad you mentioned Drag Me to Hell.  In the short, when the demon hand pops up, I was totally going for a Sam Raimi/Evil Dead vibe.

Hi,

As I've not seen any of your reference material I thought I'd read it to see if I would understand & like it.

Well, I'm not too sure about this one.  It did hold my interest to the end and it was an easy read.  I've had some difficult reads today.

I thought the ending was good and I liked how it ended, I just don't know why Gabe wanted to put the Man on the train.  Why was it so important?  If this Man can provide anything, then surely to cut a long story short, Gabe would just take the easy option?

If I only knew why the train was so important then I'd see the conflict between Gabe wanting to be with his family and putting the Man on the train.

Overall, it was not bad but since I've not seen any of the relevant material, maybe that's the reason why it didn't blow me away.

All the best,


Javier

Quoted from jmfidler James, I'm torn with this.  The idea is Gabe could be hearing this voice in his head but it's actually just the guy sitting in the same room.  So should it be MAN (O.S.)?  As in Off Screen, since the voice is coming from a character in the same room.  I was thinking of it visually but I just went with VOICE for thematic reasons.

I would go (o.s.), cuz he is there and you introduce him later. But i would leave the character name MAN the whole time. When you say voice, it's like he is hearing it in his head, which would be (V.O.). Gotta go one way or the other. Lest you're directing, then you could change the way he sounds after intro.

James

Thanks, Javier.  I was hoping to hear from someone who wasn't familiar with the source material.  With shorts, sometimes I like to just set up an idea (i can't take full credit for this one, of course) or mood and leave the rest to the readers imagination but I wasn't sure if that would work here for those who haven't seen the films or read the original short story.  If you like westerns check them out.  Solid stuff.

Hey Jm.

Pretty cool stuff here. Don't know the source mat'l but this held me at tension.

Good imagery, descriptive writing. Liked it. Liked it a lotttt!

Could this be expanded, maybe a feature?

Whatever, however and whoever, good luck wid dis'un and good job.

Em

This was an enjoyable little read, though I think it would better as a bigger piece.  The idea of the good sheriff being tempted could be a feature length piece.  Show Gabe's life.  Show the town a little better. Why is Contention a ghost town?    Show a little more to 'Man.'  Give him a name, for Chrisakes!  Perhaps Gabe and Man have been playing this game for a long time.

This was an enjoyable read.  I wish there was more.


Phil

Jim. Just read Phil's post. Take heed mate. Him no wot hi sayin'.

Em

Thanks for the comments, guys.  If I ever get around to expanding this all of your notes will be considered.

Em, you have a way with words my friend.  On and off the page.

Phil, I know how you feel about naming characters.  Don't ever read my short A killer Smile.  It would drive you crazy.  Yeah, if I was to ever expand 3:10 into a horror feature I would definitely give the MAN IN BLACK a name. Perhaps I'll name him Phil ;)

Thanks again, guys.