Ghost Writer by Des Nnochiri - Short, Horror - A fading author's return to glory comes at a heavy price. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

This was an interesting read, though I feel that it fell flat at the end.  The story seemed a little rush.  Wesley had problem accepting who his guest was, or the situation he was in.  There was absolutely no hesitation.

I found some problems with the formatting, nothing too serious.  You need to double-space between blocks of description.  The way it is now makes it a little clunky.

You also need to show us more and tell us less.  You introduced Wesley as the writer in a way that can't be recorded by the camera.  You did the same with his guest, naming him.

I don't know why you write dialog like this:

Quoted Text The book. Is. Brilliant. You’ll. Make. Millions. Doesn’t matter where it came from. Doesn’t matter who I am. Think of this as a... as a dream that you’ll never wake up from.

What's the point of separating each sentence like this? This is also clunky.

If you were to give this a rewrite, I'd recommend making it a little longer.  Build a little suspense in it and give Wesley some time to think about it.


Phil

I really enjoyed this.  Felt like a micro episode of Tales from the Crypt.  And it could be filmed easily since it only has three characters and two indoor locations.  That's a creative challenge of it's own.

As for the formatting, I agree with Phil on your spacing between your blocks of descriptions and the dialogue.  With it written this way I could only hear Adam West's voice as the devil.

Keep at it, Des.  I'll have to check out your other shorts.

p.s. Did anyone see Kick-Ass?  Supposedly Nic Cage was channeling Adam West for his performance as Big Daddy.

Hey Des, just read your script here.  I can't say I liked it, but I didn't hate it either.

Not sure why you aren't skipping a space in between paragraphs...you need to.  Also not sure why some of The Devil's dialogue is broken up with periods...looks and reads oddly.

Also not really sure about the "phantom Wesley...doesn't make any sense to me that The Devil wrote his novel for him and then instantly killed him.  How does this benefit Wesley at all, if he's dead or a rotting phantom?  IMO, taking ones soul means that when they die, they're headed straight down, but at least they get to enjoy their life here on Earth...the whole reason for the sale of the soul in the first place.

As others pointed out, there just isn't enough here to really mean much.  This is heavily treaded material and IMO, you didn't bring anything new to the table.  We don't know anything about anyone, and because of that, we can't really care too much.

Hope this helps.  Later.

I don't know much about formatting, so my comment will be mostly about the story.

It's a cool premise, but it's strange that the characters really have no choice here.  They just sigh and say things like, "I'd give my soul..." "...my right arm..." and then someone shows up and murders them.  This is weird.  There should be some kind of dialogue where the devil gives the first guy a choice.  Maybe says something clever to trick Wesley into agreeing, and then Wesley says the same thing to the girl and you end on that.  

Whatever you decide on, I think there needs to be some kind of choice.  Otherwise it's just people getting their arms ripped off for using a euphemism.

Thanks for the read, and thanks for all the recommendations.
I'll certainly take your advice on board, when I review this script, in future.
Thanks again, guys.

Overall I think I liked it, but I was just wishing there's something different at the end that would push the script up a notch.

Aside from the formatting and writing errors (passive verbiage, didn't skip a line between paragraphs, the dialogue, etc), the story is actually pretty decent.

The setup comes quick and fast, which is good because we get to know what this story is about right away. And the appearance of the Devil comes at the right time.

The Devil is a very interesting character. You managed to give the Devil wit and menacing at the same time. And it's cool that the Devil takes Wesley under his league.

The ending with Isabelle can be ramped up if something is different this time around. This is because this is basically the first scene when you replace the Devil with Wesley, and Wesley with Isabelle. I wished I could learn what Wesley will achieve if he obey the Devil.

I think it's a good job nevertheless and I enjoyed it. Thanks.