The Iceman by Stephen Brown (stebrown) - Short, Drama, Fantasy - A shy, naive young woman falls in love with an Iceman. Based on the short story by Haruki Murakami. 15 pages - pdf, format 8)

stebrown...

No pun intended but the iceman did, "Cometh."  The whole time I was reading this... beauty and the beast came to mind.  This is not the type of movie I'd ever go see but it doesn't have to be for me to read a particular script.

I thought you did very good with this one.  The writing was very good, so was the formatting and the story was interesting.  I should have expected the ending but didn't.

I thought the descriptions of the iceman was excellent.  For fifteen pages this was a breeze to read.

I didn't go head over heels but I did enjoy this.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

Thanks Don for posting. First thing I've posted here for a while as I haven't been writing as much the last few months. Decided on adapting a short story to get myself back in the swing of things. If anyone hasn't read anything by Murakami then I'd suggest taking a look at some of his stuff - The Wind-up Bird Chronicles is probably my favourite.

Here's a link to the original story if anyone would like to compare http://wis.cs.ucla.edu/~hxwang/newyorker/blog/files/icemanmurakami.html.

Ghostwriter

Thanks for the read and comments. Pleased you enjoyed it, especially if this isn't the kind of story you normally do enjoy.

Murakami's story is told through the girl, so there's a lot of stuff about what she thinks and the like, so that was the main hurdle with adapting this.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment.

Ste

P.S. I've sent an updated version to Don that sorts out the slight error with not introducing Melanie at the start. So that should be fixed shortly.

Stephen,

I think you should introduce Melanie before you give her a name and dialogue.

p6.
BETH
What about you? You apparently know
everything about me,

I had a problem with this line. He really didn't divulge anything truly intimate about her. Just that she wasn't having fun and didn't want to be there. The audience could see that. I would use something about her we haven't seen. Unless this is part of his trap persay, but she must be pretty gullible to fall for that IMO.

A great deal could be read into this. "Don't look at him, he can turn you into one". Then he isolates her and does exactly that. Thought provoking. I think this piece is more about the character flaws in Beth that enable her to fall into what seems to be a trap.

The love factor could be stronger to show why she would leave with him. I also thought her suggesting their destination was a bit odd.

All in all, good work. Read fast and very clean.

James

Thanks for taking a look James.

I spotted my mistake about not introducing Melanie properly the moment I submitted this haha. I sent an updated version to Don so it should be getting changed soon hopefully, but yeah that was a mistake.

Point taken about The Iceman maybe revealing a bit more about what he knows about her. I think in the original story The Iceman isn't really setting a trap for her deliberately, it's more that she is drawn to him. Something I read into the original is that they are very much alike in that they are loners and people don't quite understand them. I tried to get that feeling across during their conversation but it could maybe use a few more lines.

The destination for their vacation is an idea that he has planted inside her. She doesn't know why she suggests it but as soon as he agrees she realises she's made a mistake.

Pleased you seemed to enjoy it though mate and let me know if there's something you'd like me to read in return.

Ste

Hey stebrown.

Not my kind of story, gave it a read, and I liked it.

Nice change of style and topic from your short Small Change. The pace and description set up a lyrical groove.  The ending abrupt.

The Iceman would have picked up a nickname from someone along the way. Maybe not. The mother was too quickly drawn as a stereotype so it was hard to feel the impact on Beth.

The secretive whisper to Beth from Melissa in the  beginning was strange. Why wouldn't Beth follow up with a clarifying question?

I also thought when the Iceman did his "cometh" it would be like little snow crystals impregnating Beth, so I expected her to live.

I don't know the original story this was based on but you get credit for creating a different atmosphere for your writing.

Good effort.

Gary

Hi Gary, thanks for the read.

I try to vary themes and genres as much as possible. I'm pleased you found the descriptions had a nice flow to them.

I tried to come up with a nickname for The Iceman, but everything I came up with sounded cheesy, so I just kind of left it unsaid - she doesn't actually call him Iceman, so she could have a nickname for him that just isn't said.

I was going to change the start to Beth being on the skiing holiday with her Mother - so that her character could be expanded on a bit. In the end I chose to keep it closer to the original though.

The ending doesn't actually mean that Beth is dead, just that her heart is metaphorically frozen. She's been isolated from the world she knows - warmth - and will always be kept by The Iceman in the cold. I was really wanting to make the first and last images strong with this - hence the first scene being a roaring fire and the last being her frozen heart.

Thanks again mate, give me a shout if you have anything you'd like me to read in return.

Ste

Hey Ste, gave this a read.  Not my bag either, but your writing was good.

I am a bit confused about what this "Iceman" really is, but since you took a short story and adapted it, I guess it is what it is, and you are not to blame.

Some other questions I had...

1)  Beth and her friends meet this Iceman dude at a ski resort.  I assume they were on vacation here, and it was some distance from where they actually lived.  All of a sudden, Beth is living with Icey, and it seems like neither had to move from where they lived, which seems strange to me.

2)  As someone else brought up, it seems odd that Beth would suggest a vacation to the South Pole, which is far from a normal vacation spot, and not an easy or cheap trip.

3)  Beth doesn't seem to work, which is odd. Icey works in a manual labor type job.  Where are they getting their money for such an expensive vacation?

I know all these things are inherent to the original story and not your doing, but they all strike me as very strange.  I guess the fact that this is a fantasy story most likely sums it up.

Interesting stuff here for sure, Ste!  Good job.

Cheers Jeff,

For me The Iceman is unfeeling or isolation. Physically, he's not made of ice but has an ice core to him. Just my thoughts anyway.

1) Yeah, I had a problem with that too. I was going to have a few parts of the story with Beth giving The Iceman her mobile number/address and show them meeting up, but in the end I didn't think it was that important. I agree with you but at the same time I thought it was alright just leaving out the 'how they got together'.

2) As I said to James, I think Beth was really led by manipulation to thinking that the South Pole was the place to go. Maybe the manipulation could have been shown in some way, I'll have a think about it.

3) Icey works long, long hours in the frozen meat facility due to his comfort in the temperature. That's shown in the montage with him being there in the late hours and that he's getting more money than his co-workers. That's how he can comfortably afford the trip to the South Pole.

As you say, the story is fantasy and there are some elements that stretch the belief a bit but the main thing that attracted me to the story was the visuals. Not that it could get made, but if it did, I think a director could have a lot of fun with the script.

Thanks again mate.

Ste

I found it interesting how there was no attempt to explain exactly what species the iceman is.  I didn't need any detailed backstory, maybe just a line of dialogue to explain his existence.  But it's cool how the story took place in this alternate reality.

The part where Iceman and Beth leave the mother's house and he looks over his shoulder and grins at the weeping mother...kinda gave me a sinister feeling about this guy.  

I couldn't figure out his odd reaction when Beth told him about the South Pole.  It just seemed that he would be happy to be reunitied with his people.  Very ambiguous ending and open to interpretation.

Anyway, this was an unusual tale, but well told.

Thanks for the read, Ryan.

Murakami's original story is quite ambiguous about what the Iceman is. Is it just a metaphor or is he really another species? I wanted to keep the same sort of uncertainty in my script.

Pleased you found the Iceman's smile sinister. I was trying to give the impression that he was a bit of a baddun.

His odd reaction to Beth suggesting the South Pole is due to it triggering something inside him. When he says that he has no memory of his past, that is true, but when Beth suggests the South Pole it sparks some past knowledge for him.

Ste

You like adapting stories, don't you?  

I thought this was a good read.  You've improved a lot as a writer in the years that I've seen your scripts.  

The one issue I had with this one is the description of the ice man or lack of one.  Since he is so different I really need more of a description to picture him.  I had trouble doing so throughout the script and it could be easily remedied with just a short description of the bloke.  

Otherwise, well done.

Cheers for checking it out, Michael.

Pleased you think I've improved but I feel like I've been in a bit of a slump the last few months. Apart from the odd moviepoet script I haven't really written too much. That's why I wanted to adapt this, just to get back writing again, whatever it is. The fact that I really like the story is a bonus.

I wanted to leave The Iceman's appearance to the reader's imagination a little but yeah, fair point I could have maybe given a few more clues.

Hopefully I'll be writing more regularly in the coming months and they'll be my own stories.

Ste

I didn't know the original Iceman story (is the from the comic books?), but your script is quite unusual and interesting at times.

I was very intrigued at the idea of a man that can turn anything into ice, but somehow this special ability didn't really come into play that much in your script. And I was a bit disappointed because Iceman, such an interesting character, become just any normal person.

This type of story has been done a million times before, usually between two people from different race, background, etc. The twist here is, instead of a normal boy, is Iceman. There should be something that can differentiate the Iceman from any other boy. This could have made it more original.

The pacing of the story is good. Setup, middle, and ending is there. Somehow after Beth left her mother, the energy of the script seems to plummet. I guess it's the lack of conflict. Beth is conflicted inside herself, but she didn't really decide to do anything about it.

I wish there's more meaning at the ending as well. Seems to happen pretty abruptly that her heart is just frozen by the Iceman.

However, writing is good and I did enjoy parts of the script. Thanks.

Thanks for the read, Coding.

No, this Iceman isn't anything to do with the comic book character. It's based on a short story by Haruki Murakami.

Fair points you make but I'm pleased you enjoyed it at least in parts.

Ste

Hi, just read your short.

I imagine that the original should be beautiful if it inspired you to go for a short. I also think that the idea could be turned into a feature.

The VO in the middle - why don't you have it throughout - that came a  little out of blue for me. Otherwise it's just the middle of it from her POV. Especially at the beginning - to show why she falls in love with him - she's so bored and he's a relieve in a way; and when she's concerned about the South Pole trip - maybe she could let us know why she suggested that in the first place. Why she suggested it and became so concerned in the end?

I also want to see some motivation from the Iceman to freeze her - does he want a normal "Icewoman" or that's what he does - marries and then freezes them all to death...

I liked it overall. It's engaging and I kept reading - for a thirteen pager that's important.