Love Slugs by Keypecker - Short, Drama - A young man pays the ultimate price for love. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

"pov barrel of a pistol - Morning"  isnt a slug.  Pretty sure what you need here is "series of shots"
Also slo is missing its mo
Quoting Mobb deep?  and why are you ending everything in commas?
Things like "bestfriends, feels his hip vibrate, etc"  are unfilmables.  Need to phrase them visually, since this is a movie.
Specifying songs is discouraged.
"She on top,
PAULLY on top, Video Vixen back on top."    What?  why are these two different lines?  and this is really the best description you could come up with for the sex scene?
Porch is not the same as porche
Alright a couple pages in and nothing going on but exaggerated ghetto speak...  There a plot in here somewhere?
And more unfilmables, such and such's "wild and crazy cousin"
"PAULLY looks as if he don't follow."  getting loose with your dialog's grammar is alright (though kinda overplayed imo) but doing this kinda thing in an action line isn't acceptable.
How did monica and paully end up soulmates all of a sudden?  all we've seen them do is fu ck

Hmm, overall, not a good script.  You play pretty loose with any kind of format, plenty of typos and grammatical errors even outside your stereotyped dialogue.  Plot is pretty non existent, ending is too random to have much of an impact.  And too many characters without any depth, meaning you don't develop feelings for anyone.

This probably reads pretty harsh, but the point of this site is to get honest critiques, and that's mine.  Good luck.

I was going to pass on this until I read Jackx take and had to see if it was really this de-railed.

My friend, it is. I am the worst at formatting and spelling (ask around) for it is simply the story that reminds me of a couple of ass holes who are simple pieces of crap who as I read  I really don't care about. Hell I would have shot him had I had the gun.

I should offer some help in the way of the actual formatting though.
You don't have to CAPITALIZE the persons name more than once especially in the action scenes.

As Jackx also mentioned but I want to repeat because it is a weak point on my part as well is write what only can be filmed. You have to describe the scene as though it were on a picture screen. Not in a novel.

My biggest problem WIT the story is CUZ. CUZ this, CUZ that.

I picture a wanna be with the slightly sideways hat, blinging for his biach.

Sorry to be sound harsh, but the whole thug, over bravado, gonna get ya cuz dieing is cool thing has been so pounded. Television is littered with it.

Try and take this in the spirit in which it is intended, to help you be more creative and work outside of what has been done before.

Shawn.....><  

Liked the read - so quite good overall.

- June character seemed a bit vague.
- Some spelling and grammar issues that needed proofreading.
- Not too sure of the lingo, and the use of dis n dat, but a lot of the dialogue comes accross as real, and some not.
- Time line appeared to be unclear - did they hop into bed very quickly, or had the relationship been ongoing for some time?
- Nice storyline, and a good attempt at developing characters. Ron was good his character came accross as big and loud, but he still had some perspective, Kevin was ok, the two girls were ok, Paully come accross as a bit wet.
- Nice intro to scene and nice flow when Monica comes to card game - all appeared nromal but interesting undercurrents.
- Maybe the script needed a little more edge, something to catch people's interest, so has the making of a good script, with a little more work.
All the best
Simon

Jackx, Thanks for the the tough love.

Ledbetter, you too.

Sicoll007, your positivity came just in time, thank you as well.