Robbing The Grave by James McClung - Short, Horror - The title says it all… 30 pages - pdf, format 8)

READ IT FOR YOURSELVES!!!!


pg 29
LUCAS
I’m sorry... I didn’t want to... I had
no choice... I know that doesn’t make
it right... I know deserve this...

The only typo that stood out. Good work writing clean...

I liked the obstacle that Lucas faced. Out of work, Needing money. Though it was tough for me to believe his wife would be concert to this. Maybe if they had hungry children as well??? Really pin him against a wall to do this.

His inner struggle with whether or not he was a good person was nice to watch.

The teeming maggots... Nice touch. Loved the earthy grave atmosphere she created wherever she went.

The ending threw me a bit... Living eyes, Smithy spearing him with his hand eventhough you wrote lucas is a ghost?

And where the money came from... They collected jewels, not cash from what I read. Did Lucas run to the bank before he died??

regardless, good work here. Good tension, some unique, creepy scenes. and again, a very clean write.

James

Hey James! Thanks for reading!

Quoted from jwent6688 pg 29 LUCAS I’m sorry... I didn’t want to... I had no choice... I know that doesn’t make it right... I know deserve this...

Goddamn it! Someone else had mentioned this before. I assumed they meant the "I" before know so when I went to check it, I thought I'd already corrected it and forgotten. So thanks! I was pretty certain that I'd corrected every typo there was.

Quoted from jwent6688 Though it was tough for me to believe his wife would be concert to this. Maybe if they had hungry children as well??? Really pin him against a wall to do this.

Keep in mind, Mel is under the impression that Lucas is robbing an antique store, not a graveyard. Still a problem? Eh... I figured they were at their wits' end at this point. I'll give it some thought.

Quoted from jwent6688 The teeming maggots... Nice touch. Loved the earthy grave atmosphere she created wherever she went. The ending threw me a bit... Living eyes, Smithy spearing him with his hand eventhough you wrote lucas is a ghost? And where the money came from... They collected jewels, not cash from what I read. Did Lucas run to the bank before he died??

I wanted the ghosts in the script to be more corporeal than most. Obviously, it's apparent in the maggot motif. That said, I figured Lucas and Smithy both being ghosts at the end, they could affect each other physically. I didn't think it was too much of a stretch given that Phyllis killed both of them is what could be construed as grisly fashion.

As for the money, I figured it was from the client's apartment. There was a safe around, obviously. I didn't give much thought as to the logic of this but considered the possibility that Phyllis's ghost let him do one last thing before dragging him back to the graveyard. That's not what you should believe happened. I figured I'd leave it open. That's just the answer I'll provide for the time being.

Thanks again, dude!

Quoted from James McClung I wanted the ghosts in the script to be more corporeal than most. Obviously, it's apparent in the maggot motif. That said, I figured Lucas and Smithy both being ghosts at the end, they could affect each other physically. I didn't think it was too much of a stretch given that Phyllis killed both of them is what could be construed as grisly fashion.

Little disagreement... You showed us ghosts affecting the living with Phyllis, not ghosts affecting ghosts. Entirely different sphere IMO.

And this is how beer affects me... losing my marbles a bit i think...

Good work, i'll drop the argument. It is after all, fiction.

Quoted from jwent6688 Good work, i'll drop the argument. It is after all, fiction.

Haha! No need to do that. The "it's just a movie" card is designated for writers who don't want to (can't) explain the oddities of their scripts to the people who sniff them out. There's always some leeway though, I suppose.

Anyway, I figured ghosts affecting ghosts would be less of a stretch than ghosts affecting the living but that's just me. And Peter Jackson, I guess. The Frighteners' ghosts were a little... meatier than most. Mine are even meatier!

A fair point in any case.

James,

Just read this.  I gotta say I found myself enthralled with Lucas' plight enough to keep me reading.  I was actually enjoying it until the ghost story came into play. The ending, for me , was far-fetched and a major let down.   Personally I think this could've been a great little short without the supernatural aspects.   But of course then you'd have to write a whole nother story.  

Found a couple typos.  Page 4, LUCA,  Page 7, minute headphones, I think you mean miniature headphones.   Another thing, I didn't like the way Mel talked to Lucas on telephone when he called her.  Seems she could've been more compassionate.  Also, the use of maggots and earthworms got old real quick.  On a positive note, you have a knack for writing realistic dialogue.

Nice effort.
Happy Halloween.

Quoted from screenrider Page 4, LUCA,  Page 7, minute headphones, I think you mean miniature headphones.

mi·nute 2 (m-nt, -nyt, m-)
adj.
1. Exceptionally small; tiny. See Synonyms at small.
2. Beneath notice; insignificant.
3. Characterized by careful scrutiny and close examination: held a minute inspection of the grounds.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Middle English, from Latin mintus, past participle of minuere, to lessen; see mei-2 in Indo-European roots.]

Learn something new every day....

Quoted from jwent6688 mi·nute 2 (m-nt, -nyt, m-) adj. 1. Exceptionally small; tiny. See Synonyms at small. 2. Beneath notice; insignificant. 3. Characterized by careful scrutiny and close examination: held a minute inspection of the grounds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Middle English, from Latin mintus, past participle of minuere, to lessen; see mei-2 in Indo-European roots.] Learn something new every day....

Indubitability.   Might've just been better to call them earphones.

Quoted from screenrider Indubitability.   Might've just been better to call them earphones.

Right! Thank you, sir.

Hi James.

I liked Red Storm and Complete a lot, so I read this title.

Things I liked:

Dialog
Writing style
Premise

Things I have questions on:

Robbing antigue stores to robbing graves because Lucas meets Smithy. You do a good job on selling us on Lucas' fall from being a teacher, but I was not feeling much emotion  Mel's "Yes, you're a good man" phone conversation. Maybe one more scene with Mel would have sold me. (edit: Maybe Mel could have been a young daughter w/o mom?)

The major amount of screen dialog goes to Smithy (as I remember). Was he the intended lead? I thought Lucas was the protag but he was definitely the second fiddle in this story, esp. when he was "stabbed" in the back at the end.

Not sure why the end played out in an apartment with a secret room. A secret room is usually the stuff you find in a house. Probaby to limit space to run around in. Cost containment?

Smithy knew quite a bit about the client than just a paid grave robber would know. Was Smithy a confidante or just quick to pick up on these things?

Why did the client wait until he was almost in the grave himself to hire Smithy to rob a grave that was within driving distance? It seemed to know it was there?

Also, maggots are okay as evidence that something is coming but really can't do much damage. It's like "Ooh, here come the slugs." I thought the word maggots bordered on  overuse. I was glad to see the centipede. I was half way through this and said "Damn, what's with all the maggots?!"

I wasn't clear on what happened in the grave while Lucas was in the truck. Was Smithy enjoying a little necrophilia? How did that play into the death of Smithy? Or was that something we were to read into it ourself?

Why would the ghost of Phyllis show the least bit of leniency towards Lucas? Because he was a good man? Mmm.

The living eyes and ghost-on-ghost violence were abrupt at the end. I am not sure they needed to be there.

The money had to be money. If it was jewels, then Mel would have been cursed. Robbing the Grave II, anyone?

I liked it James, esp. the interplay between Smithy and Lucas in the truck ride to the grave. Just a few questions and comments to help me understand the story.

Gary

(BTW, no attitude is intended, just questions)

Quoted from screenrider James, Just read this.  I gotta say I found myself enthralled with Lucas' plight enough to keep me reading.  I was actually enjoying it until the ghost story came into play. The ending, for me , was far-fetched and a major let down.   Personally I think this could've been a great little short without the supernatural aspects.   But of course then you'd have to write a whole nother story.   Found a couple typos.  Page 4, LUCA,  Page 7, minute headphones, I think you mean miniature headphones.   Another thing, I didn't like the way Mel talked to Lucas on telephone when he called her.  Seems she could've been more compassionate.  Also, the use of maggots and earthworms got old real quick.  On a positive note, you have a knack for writing realistic dialogue. Nice effort. Happy Halloween.

Sorry Michael. Didn't give you an "official" response. Sorry you didn't like the end. It seems some people are having a hard time with it.

I thought about writing this without the supernatural aspects but figured whatever happens after the actual grave robbing wouldn't be nearly as interesting.

Thanks for reading!

Quoted from grademan The major amount of screen dialog goes to Smithy (as I remember). Was he the intended lead? I thought Lucas was the protag but he was definitely the second fiddle in this story, esp. when he was "stabbed" in the back at the end.

Lucas is the protag. But Smithy's a talker. Maybe I got a little carried away but I quite like some of his rants. The Autopsy monologue, I planned to include from the very beginning. The script was partly inspired by listening to too much Autopsy.

Quoted from grademan Not sure why the end played out in an apartment with a secret room. A secret room is usually the stuff you find in a house. Probaby to limit space to run around in. Cost containment?

A good point, I suppose. I always wanted the finally to take place in a small area. Maybe a big house would be scarier but I didn't want these guys to have too many places to run to. The hidden chamber's supposed to be small anyway. But yeah. A good point.

Quoted from grademan Smithy knew quite a bit about the client than just a paid grave robber would know. Was Smithy a confidante or just quick to pick up on these things?

No confidante. Just well-informed. He has his ways.

Quoted from grademan Why did the client wait until he was almost in the grave himself to hire Smithy to rob a grave that was within driving distance? It seemed to know it was there?

What else does he have to live for? Besides, we never see the state of him when he's alive. You never know. My own grandparents are reaching their 90s and are still quite lively.

Quoted from grademan Also, maggots are okay as evidence that something is coming but really can't do much damage. It's like "Ooh, here come the slugs." I thought the word maggots bordered on  overuse. I was glad to see the centipede. I was half way through this and said "Damn, what's with all the maggots?!"

I suppose it was a little overdone. But maggots are absolutely vile so I wanted a lot of them around. Also, Phyllis's maggots are of a nasty sort. The kind that can burrow into walls and kill old farts. Originally, it was all maggots so I threw in some worms and centipedes for good measure.

Quoted from grademan I wasn't clear on what happened in the grave while Lucas was in the truck. Was Smithy enjoying a little necrophilia? How did that play into the death of Smithy? Or was that something we were to read into it ourself?

Something to read into yourself. I'll never say what Smithy does in the grave. In regards to how it plays into Smithy's death, well... Obviously, Smithy has some "affinity" to Phyllis or at least her corpse even though we (and by we, I mean all of you, not me) don't know exactly what. I figured he'd maintain it even in the face of death... He's a really sick guy.

Quoted from grademan Why would the ghost of Phyllis show the least bit of leniency towards Lucas? Because he was a good man? Mmm.

What leniency? He's brutally killed. Anything that happens will Mel, I wouldn't consider as such.

Quoted from grademan The living eyes and ghost-on-ghost violence were abrupt at the end. I am not sure they needed to be there.

I guess people are having a hard time with the ghosts. I don't know. The original ending was even more so abrupt and the way I've revised it wouldn't be suitable for an ending. Maybe I need to mess around with it a little more.

Hey James

I got to read this.

This was focused more on character than horror. However, people are afraid of many things. It was a very slow build up of the Lucas character.

The ending is debateable. I say keep it. People love a happy ending. I found it funny that Smithy still hangs out with Lucas. These are two very different characters to be still hanging out. lol.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley The ending is debateable. I say keep it. People love a happy ending. I found it funny that Smithy still hangs out with Lucas. These are two very different characters to be still hanging out. lol.

The idea was Lucas is trapped in the graveyard, presumably for eternity... or at least a very, very long time. And what could be worse than being stuck with Smithy? At least as far as Lucas is concerned.

Definitely getting mixed reactions to this one. I might have to rethink the ending. I never intended this to be anything for people to overanalyze. Just a fun, gross, scary, what have you, horror story. Haven't really written one in a while.

well i already gave you my feedback on this one via email (and prior to posting). but i just want to recommend that everyone give this one a read. incredibly well written, great story, and very suspensful....so check it out

oh and intriguing characters too haha

How long does it take to get your script posted here? I have noticed no change in the short script catagory for a week now.

Quoted from Inquiringmind How long does it take to get your script posted here? I have noticed no change in the short script catagory for a week now.

Try PM'ing Don or one of the mods if you're missing a script.

Hey James,

Not a huge fan of this one I'm afraid. Don't get me wrong, it had a plausible set-up with the overdue bills and what not, and the strained relationship beween Lucas and Mel was an interesting angle but, to me, it took too much of a backseat to a rather generic horror story.

I thought there was way too much dialogue in first 10 pages (Smithy and Lucas' truck ride), in fact, overall, I feel you used too much time on expository dialogue throughout. Some like it, some don't. Guess which category I fall into. I just think it's overkill.

Lucas seems a believable character but I think his character development suffers through the aforementioned expository dialogue. I would have liked to have seen more of him and Mel together.

Smithy is a douche. I didn't like him. I know that was the point but he's in pretty much every single scene and it just became really really tiresome reading about him. To me, he was one of those 2D characters that get old very very fast. I wish you would have focused much more on Lucas after they get to the buyer's place since he's the protag. Reading about Smithy was a chore.

The tons of maggots got a bit repetitive after a while but I understand why you did it.

Now, my biggest problem with the script was not the characters or the dialogue, it was the structure. I really couldn't tell when we got into the second act. To me, the entire graveyard scene is the first act (and that's, like, up to p. 16). No real crisis hits until p. 22/23 when Smithy finds the hidden room and things start to get spooky. That leaves 7-8 pages for act 2 and 3 and that's just way too little (and way too late) to make this a complete story in my opinion.

A few clunky phrases aside, this was well written (although I still feel it was too long).

My .02.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Rob. Sorry you didn't like this one. I think the word 'generic' can only have negative connotations so I won't use it but I will say that this was meant to be simple and not intended to break any new grounds or what not. I'm actually not a big fan of ghost stories but I did want to try my hand at writing one, partly because I wasn't able to participate in Soul Shadows. Basically just a fun lark for me.

Anyway, I don't mind talky stories and enjoy writing dialogue quite a bit so it's like you said. Some people like it. Some people don't. That's cool with me. Same goes for Smithy, I suppose. People will react differently to certain characters, naturally. He was sorta fun to write though.

As far as structure goes, I see where you're coming from but really didn't give much thought to it at all. I basically followed the classic formula for old ghost stories about grave robbers. I didn't try to change it too much. Rather make it cinematic and bring some of my own personal touches to it.

Nevertheless, thanks for reading!

i would think itd take lucas a second longer to catch on to the idea of grave robbing.  like smithy says we're going to the graveyard, lucas says what why?  smithy stares at him letting it sink in...  Something like that, just since its a pretty desperate type of crime, and hes just a teacher.
Though I do in fact know what minute means, I might agree its not the best word for the situation.
I kinda agree the beginning is a tad on the slow side.  Not that it is a real problem, just if this was made there would be a lot of pressure on the actors to make that dialogue interesting.
Shouldnt the slugs be INT. Clients apartment  -  Hidden chamber.  As opposed to with a comma?
Hmmm, interesting ending.  Had to help Mel out...

I liked the story, was fun and a bit disgusting, in a good way.  I do think having the real ghosts was a bit iffy.  Not to tell you how to write the story or anything, but I think a cool ending would have been something like this:
Lucas keeps thinking he's seeing the dead ladies dress as smithy loots the apartment, getting more and more scared.  finally he grabs a statue, frightened and ready to defend himself.
Smithy starts hearing stuff as he loots the ruby collection, becoming frightened as well.  finally he runs down the hall, thinking either lucas is ditching him or the ghosts are back, he busts open a door.  Lucas, thinking/seeing smithy as a ghost, brains him with the statuette.  Then maybe seeing the ghost of the client, runs away, scrambles out a window and falls to his death.
End with the two bodies of the graverobbers, slowly bleeding, a couple maggots around them, then the undisturbed grave and the clients body still seated in his chair.
So kinda keep all the suspense and horror of the walking dead and the maggots (which were pretty well used, especially falling out of the clients pants) but leave it a little questionable whether it was real ghosts, or telltale heart type stuff.

But in anycase, well written enjoyable read, 30 pages flew by pretty easily.

Quoted from jackx Shouldnt the slugs be INT. Clients apartment  -  Hidden chamber.  As opposed to with a comma?

You're right. This is just a variation I've added myself. Personally, I think it's slightly easier to read. Reading so many scripts, I find myself skimming over the slugs more than anything so I tried to make mine a little more concise. Sort of like how some people put theirs in bold. Nobody seems to mind, although I've always wondered if one might. Found some interest from producers who didn't mention it at all when they read my scripts so I guess so far, so good.

Quoted from jackx I liked the story, was fun and a bit disgusting, in a good way.  I do think having the real ghosts was a bit iffy.  Not to tell you how to write the story or anything, but I think a cool ending would have been something like this: Lucas keeps thinking he's seeing the dead ladies dress as smithy loots the apartment, getting more and more scared.  finally he grabs a statue, frightened and ready to defend himself. Smithy starts hearing stuff as he loots the ruby collection, becoming frightened as well.  finally he runs down the hall, thinking either lucas is ditching him or the ghosts are back, he busts open a door.  Lucas, thinking/seeing smithy as a ghost, brains him with the statuette.  Then maybe seeing the ghost of the client, runs away, scrambles out a window and falls to his death. End with the two bodies of the graverobbers, slowly bleeding, a couple maggots around them, then the undisturbed grave and the clients body still seated in his chair. So kinda keep all the suspense and horror of the walking dead and the maggots (which were pretty well used, especially falling out of the clients pants) but leave it a little questionable whether it was real ghosts, or telltale heart type stuff.

I considered rewriting the story similar to this. I wasn't sure if it'd work. Just thought I might experiment. Seems like it'd be "playing to tie, not playing to win" though (a little Stephen King quote there). Not sure how the maggots would tie in either if there wasn't a ghost. Ambiguous endings tend to annoy people more than anything else, save for the classic "it was all a dream" copout.

Also, I tend not to like ghost stories and part of the reason for me writing this was to see if I could write a ghost story that was effective. I've gotten some mixed reactions so far but I still think it works for the most part.

Thanks for reading, dude!

Hi James. This was a very quick read - always a good sign!  But I have some mixed thoughts on the actual story.

Ok, I liked the first ten pages. It was all set up nicely. Smithy seemd to come across as a likeable sort of larrakin small time crook. Lucas was believable as the desperate man.
It sort of changed at the graveyard. I didn't identify with the meth/glue thing. It came out of nowhere. If Lucas was prepared to break the law, he had to be aware of any repercussions. Granted, the change of venue was unexpected for him.
Smithy becomes a completely different dude at the graveyard. Its like he's in a trance or something, and then he shags the corpse?! I gather he did anyway.

After that, the story becomes a standard horror one. I dunno, James, the last 15 pages seemed very rushed to me. Its like you had all these things going on, but they jumbled together. The maggots did get tiring, as they weren't really doing anything(?)

The ending was a bit confusing - they're now ghosts obviously but I don't see how a ghost attacking another ghost could cause him any probs.

I had no prob with the actual writing or formatting - was neat and precise.
As i stated earlier, the beginning of this really hooked me in, then drifted away a bit.

Cheers stevie

Hey, James. I really enjoyed this one. Very quick read. Nice build up. It reminded me of many Tales From the Crypt episodes since every single one is about the main character doing something morally wrong and getting their comeuppance for it with a grim unhappy ending.

I loved the use of maggots and worms. Disgustingly great. The atmosphere had me thinking of the movie "One Dark Night" with the soggy, decomposing, maggot-filled floating  corpses and all.

The only thing is I think it would take the average person a lot more convincing to go along with robbing graves. I know Lucas was in a bad situation but perhaps you should go into it just a little bit more.
I loved how Smithy started being just a little "off" and you slowly revealed the depth of his depravity.
At the bottom of page 4 the character is LUCAS not LUCA.

Good job.

-Shawn

I've got mixed feelings about this one.

I guess the problem I had with this script was the story was straight forward and sort of episodic, dig grave, kill a witnesss, go see collector, step in hidden room. The characters just go through the motions. There was no real problem or crisis until near the end of the script.  It all just seems to be one big, long build up to a confrontation with a maggot ridden filthy ghost that for me wasn't really all that interesting.

What I did like was Smithy. A great character whose obnoxious, crass, dangerous personality provides plenty of entertainment. And Lucas is the perfect personality to bounce of Smithy and make Smithy's character shine.

  

Still seeing mixed reactions to this one. Some parts seem to work, others not so much. In a way, I feel the story works better that way, at least to me. It's a tale. Shit twists and turns. It's got its flaws but I'm starting to feel like I like these kinda stories better than I do ones with a central theme that kinda guides them along. Not very screenwriter-ly to say so, I suppose, but I guess I just like things that are like this, like that... don't really follow story structure 100% but are still logical in their own way and not all over the place.

Just the same, I think you dudes are on point about a lot of things. This was really sort of a lark though and I still sorta dig what it is.

Just the same. Thanks for reading everyone!

Quoted from stevie I didn't identify with the meth/glue thing. It came out of nowhere. If Lucas was prepared to break the law, he had to be aware of any repercussions. Granted, the change of venue was unexpected for him.

This comment sorta stuck out to me. I'm not sure I was entirely successful in establishing that Smithy was a dangerous guy right off the bat but the idea was that Lucas sniffs glue to put himself in a position where he'd actually be capable to rob a grave. I mean you'd have to be out of your mind, right? Well, you'll be in just about the right (wrong?) mindset to do any fucked up shit if you're sniffing glue. The way I saw it, there'd be potentially worse repercussions if Lucas didn't get involved.

Also, I figure smoking meth and sniffing glue are the absolute bottom of the barrel as far as drugs are concerned. Really tells you what kinda dude Smithy is. Same with the Old Crow. Absolute shit backwoods whiskey. Would he really be the same if he were drinking Jim Bean?

Hi James, I just took a look at the script. Overall it's an effective thriller/horror, but at times the story slows down which feels like a drag when we get to the end of the story. A lot of tightening can be done.

On the first page, you always have a character "enters", "emerges", or "appears". You can drop those and start with what they are really doing.

Liked the dialogue between Smithy and Lucas in the truck, but once they got to the graveyard, their dialogue becomes long-winded. You took 9 full pages before both of them starting digging.

I didn't get the significance of Lucas vomiting and the hermit. They are plot points that distract the main storyline. And really, what was Smithy doing to the corpse when Lucas was in the car?

Up to this point it's still interesting, but then at the client's apartment, I feel the energy of the script plummets. Because now things really drag. After they discovered the client is dead, they spent the rest of the time wondering about the house. There are some suspense going on (e.g. flashes of white fabric), but nothing substantial enough to turn the script into another direction.

It'll be interesting to know the story behind the client, Phyllis, and what's so special about the gem and necklace. But you just skimmed over it.

Didn't understand why Smithy was saying, "Come to Daddy" and "You're beautiful" before he dies.

Ultimately I didn't really care for them because they get what they deserve. The ending bit where Smithy slashes Lucas came out of the blue as well.

Overall, I wish there is more explanation as to what's going on, instead of having Smithy and Lucas running around the apartment. The script can also be tightened up to around 20 pages or so.

Hope this helps.

About the glue/meth thing... It makes sense that you would need something in order to stoop to robbing graves, the question is whether its believable that his character was ready to stoop to sniffing glue, which I think is what other people had  bit of an issue with.  He certainly seemed financially desperate, but still kinda naive and inexperienced, not someone that would easily jump to the lowest rung on the drug ladder.

Like I said about before, I'm not sure how much different you could do the script for the beginning part, but every bit like this is putting that much more pressure on the actors to sell a pretty delicate balance as believable.  And just reading it, you have to really picture the moment happening in a pretty specific way to buy it.

Did enjoy it though, and perhaps we're getting a tad analytical for a horror short.  I've seen plenty of produced films that I had no doubt SSers would have torn apart if they were put up here instead of actually on the big screen.

Good luck with it....

Hi James,

First off, judging from your body of work, it's clear that you are very prolific.  Kudos on that.  I'm jealous.

I guess I was in the mood for something dark, so I had a read of this one.  I thought the writing was good, and I mostly enjoyed it, but like some others, there were a few points that held it back for me a little bit.

As someone else mentioned, I think you did a good job of creating tension and adversity for Lucas, but his quick switch to the dark side, money issues notwithstanding, was a little abrupt for me.  We learn that he got fired from a job that he loves becuase he took a really idealistic stand, but then in the same scene we find that he is on his way to help loot an antique store.  Too quick for me.  I think you need to string this transformation out a bit, or alternatively, maybe you can make him a little less idealistic.  Or better yet, maybe we only know that he was fired, and a few of the circumstances, but the real reason is left unkown until later in the story.  In this way, it's not so much of a leap for the audience.

I realize that his transformation and his soul searching are a major part of the script, but I also felt he was overshadowed by Smithy, and the soulsearching became a secondary issue.  That said, I rather enjoyed the Smithy character (despite whatever it was he did in that grave).  He had some good lines.

i.e. P. 7 – “Autopsy. Mental Funeral. I always listen to “Robbing the Grave” before...well, before I get to work.” I laughed at this one.  

I wouldn't change anything with Smithy, just try and bring Lucas up to his level.

Initially I enjoyed the use f the maggots, but I do think you might want to pare it down in some instances.  That said, I think it would film much different than reading.

Lastly, I didn't have a problem with the ending with Smithy punching Lucas, but I kind of got conflicting vibes.  There was both a lightness and darkness to it for me.  The punching part was almost like a ghost/buddy scene in that they were stuck together for eternity.  On the other hand, there is a darkness to when Lucas tries to scream, but is unable.  

Anyway, just a few thoughts (which is to say, not worth a hill of beans), and thanks for the read earlier.  I look forward to reading more.

Good luck.

Craig  

Recently submitted a rewrite for this. I'm think I'm going to take a crack at Shriekfest with this one so I could use a few more reads. Any takers? I know y'all got scripts you need read.

Also apologies to those who posted reviews but whom I didn't, for whatever reason, respond to. Your suggestions are appreciated and duly noted.

Will read during Celts game tonight. Will have review later or tomorrow.

Hey James

You are planning on entering this into competition, so I am going to try to stay constructive and focused on feedback that will be useful. I probably should read other reviews first, but that's not my MO.

Much of this has me completely baffled. There seems to be real logic gaps in the story, things that bug me in reading that maybe would be less of a problem in a film version. Or maybe I am missing things, and if so I sincerely apologize. I read it slow and really tried, though I was watching basketball.

It's not entirely clear why they are robbing the grave, and it's definitely not at all clear why Lucas was brought on the mission. Let's start with these problems.

The woman had some kind of valuable gem that this Smithy is hired to dig up. Ok. Never really explained anything mysterious about the woman or the gem, nothing supernatural, but it seems to me that this is a one time job, a special assignment. But Smithy's comment about the song he plays implies grave robbing is a regular gig. And it seems as though he has an extreme necrophilia thing going. Smithy mentioned has special client base, so I guess that is with people who need stuff from graves, but how many of those jobs are out there? I don't know if this sounds nitpicky, it was just very much on my mind and I kept wondering if it would be explained later.

The next issue was why Lucas is brought on the job:
--What I need you to do
tonight is make an appearance. That’s
all. Otherwise, we’ve got a problem--

That is the explanation for why he's on the job. And Smithy doesn't really ask anything of him, and worries the whole time about him snitching. And with Smithy knowing what he does with dead bodies, why does he want anyone with him? I am confused.

What happens later is still confusing. The ghost comes back for the jewel, and apparently has the power to kill people, turn them into ghosts. And yet the money gets delivered. And how did they even get the money? They never found the safe. I'm sure I'm missing things, will have to go back.

The house is full of earthworms, maggots(no flies), beetles and critters. Seems over the top and hard to understand for me, but I guess it's like Speilburg stuff, very visual.

I just had a hard time putting all this together.

Guests arrive, will get back with notes later!

I got interrupted, sorry. Anyways, those were the main issues I had with the bones of the story. It may be that I missed things, but hopefully this still helps you, and maybe, if there is an explanation for these elements, you can flesh them out a little more in case others have the same questions.

Here are my notes during the read:

Notes

--I’m proud of you for coming out
tonight. I respect for people who take--

typo I think


--Reggie’s a small time crook. He just
got a hot tip about this one place.
I’ve got a client base. They can’t go
through the usual channels to get what
they want so they’re willing to pay a
little extra. Take our present client
for instance. He’s one ruby gem short
of reuniting an old collection that’s
worth more than you and me, only it
just so happens to be buried in the
grave of Phyllis Leblanc. So he calls
me and he’s way more loaded than some
rinky-dink antique store--

I read this 3 times to make sure I wasn't just being put off by its length. I definitely think this can be shortened. It's actually a little confusing too. The only info you need is about why they are going to a grave.

general observation at p 7

I would think Lucas would be relieved to be robbing a cemetary as opposed to a real robbery, given that he is not a crook.

Smithy offers Lucas crystal meth? That seems strange to me, given he doesn;t know him. Then the song on the ipod he mentions implies he is a regular robber of graves. But the story suggests this is kind of a one time thing, I thought.

I don't know what this make an appearance thing is all about. It's actually kind of annoying me, which will hoepfully be resolved later in the script.

Why are the headlights on? Wouldn't that make them more likely to get caught?


--listens to the maggots feast inside.--

Does that make noise?


--you fucking mongoloid--

Come on, what kind of swear is that?


--If I took nothing, this would all be
for nothing. I came out here to help my
wife and I out of a shitty situation.
I’ve crossed a lot of my own lines
doing so but there’s still one line I
won’t cross and that’s taking more than
I need--

In my opinion, once you cross the line to criminal activity, you cross it. If he's willing to rob some poor slob's antique store, why not steal from a dead guy? I guess you are trying to really hammer that this guy's struggling with his conscience.

-- Several maggots
fall out of the client’s mouth and convulse on the desk--

Where there's maggots there's flies, and terrible smell.

--A single drop of blood
trickles down his forehead from a small hole--

There's no blood in a corpse like that, which has been dead long enough to be rotting. And like I said, a rotting corpse you can smell a block away.


Ok James, I really meant for this to help, and I know it seems kind of negative. Perhaps it will be more effective filmed. Also, I must have missed stuff, so I will come back if you give any explanation on things. Other people who read this scripts tend to really just look for the visual elements, so graveyard, couple corpses, a ghost, and a house full of vermin might just appeal to people who won't care if it ties together. Best of luck with it all!

Kevin

Thanks for the read, Kevin. No need for you to apologize for anything. This is exactly what I need and I've already made some adjustments based on your feedback.

Quoted from leitskev It's not entirely clear why they are robbing the grave, and it's definitely not at all clear why Lucas was brought on the mission.

Smithy's a thief. He wants money. The first job falls through, he comes up with a plan B. One can assume that he had this job lined up anyway.

Lucas needs the money. Simple as that. I'll get to the "making an appearance" bit in due time.

Quoted from leitskev The woman had some kind of valuable gem that this Smithy is hired to dig up. Ok. Never really explained anything mysterious about the woman or the gem, nothing supernatural, but it seems to me that this is a one time job, a special assignment. But Smithy's comment about the song he plays implies grave robbing is a regular gig. And it seems as though he has an extreme necrophilia thing going. Smithy mentioned has special client base, so I guess that is with people who need stuff from graves, but how many of those jobs are out there? I don't know if this sounds nitpicky, it was just very much on my mind and I kept wondering if it would be explained later.

I don't think there needs to be anything mysterious established about the woman or the gem. This is a classic ghost story setup. There's nothing needed to facilitate the supernatural bits other than the circumstances. I wouldn't say so anyway.

The frequency of Smithy's grave robbing is also up in the air. This could be his fifth or sixth job or up in the double digits. The other jobs could've taken place here or in other graveyards. Other cities even. I feel like it's fair game, frankly. I don't think there's anything implausible about it in the world of the story.

Quoted from leitskev The next issue was why Lucas is brought on the job: --What I need you to do tonight is make an appearance. That’s all. Otherwise, we’ve got a problem-- That is the explanation for why he's on the job. And Smithy doesn't really ask anything of him, and worries the whole time about him snitching. And with Smithy knowing what he does with dead bodies, why does he want anyone with him? I am confused.

I've adjusted the dialogue to clarify this. Basically, Smithy assumes Lucas is another thief and without reservations about robbing graves. Once he finds out this is not the case, he demands Lucas accompany him so that he won't go to the police, being an accomplice to the crime.

Quoted from leitskev What happens later is still confusing. The ghost comes back for the jewel, and apparently has the power to kill people, turn them into ghosts. And yet the money gets delivered. And how did they even get the money? They never found the safe. I'm sure I'm missing things, will have to go back.

I've addressed the money thing in previous posts. It's a loose end but I don't think it need be tied up. I feel this kind of story has some leeway in that regard, at least when it comes to supernatural elements. I've several scenarios in mind in which this event is possible and I'm sure others can formulate their own. I don't know what else to say.

Quoted from leitskev The house is full of earthworms, maggots(no flies), beetles and critters. Seems over the top and hard to understand for me, but I guess it's like Speilburg stuff, very visual.

Over the top. Probably. I thought it was fun though.

I should clarify, however, that the critters are all byproducts of the ghost's presence. There's nothing wrong with the house itself.

Quoted from leitskev --I’m proud of you for coming out tonight. I respect for people who take-- typo I think --Reggie’s a small time crook. He just got a hot tip about this one place. I’ve got a client base. They can’t go through the usual channels to get what they want so they’re willing to pay a little extra. Take our present client for instance. He’s one ruby gem short of reuniting an old collection that’s worth more than you and me, only it just so happens to be buried in the grave of Phyllis Leblanc. So he calls me and he’s way more loaded than some rinky-dink antique store-- I read this 3 times to make sure I wasn't just being put off by its length. I definitely think this can be shortened. It's actually a little confusing too. The only info you need is about why they are going to a grave.

Fixed on both counts.

Quoted from leitskev I would think Lucas would be relieved to be robbing a cemetary as opposed to a real robbery, given that he is not a crook.

I disagree, though both jobs have their respective hazards.

Quoted from leitskev Smithy offers Lucas crystal meth? That seems strange to me, given he doesn;t know him. Then the song on the ipod he mentions implies he is a regular robber of graves. But the story suggests this is kind of a one time thing, I thought.

One time thing? I'll give this another once over and see if this is true. I don't believe I ever suggested that this is true though.

The drugs... eh. I don't know. It just seemed like something Smithy would do, frankly. I feel like once the whole grave robbing thing is put out there, I don't see him having many reservations about anything else. He certainly wouldn't have offered it when they first met though.

Quoted from leitskev Why are the headlights on? Wouldn't that make them more likely to get caught?

I might have to make some adjustments to fix this. The way I saw it, this was near the edge of the graveyard with only forest beyond (out of the way) and I didn't really imagine there'd be guards or anyone else patrolling. Maybe a caretaker but I figured they'd have other things to do (or at least not be interested in patrolling).

I'll think about it, regardless.

Quoted from leitskev --listens to the maggots feast inside.-- Does that make noise?

Artistic license.

Quoted from leitskev --you fucking mongoloid-- Come on, what kind of swear is that?

Very un-PC but you're right. It's gone. I think the switchblade's enough.

Quoted from leitskev --If I took nothing, this would all be for nothing. I came out here to help my wife and I out of a shitty situation. I’ve crossed a lot of my own lines doing so but there’s still one line I won’t cross and that’s taking more than I need-- In my opinion, once you cross the line to criminal activity, you cross it. If he's willing to rob some poor slob's antique store, why not steal from a dead guy? I guess you are trying to really hammer that this guy's struggling with his conscience.

That's all on the character. They may or may not act according to your judgment.

Quoted from leitskev -- Several maggots fall out of the client’s mouth and convulse on the desk-- Where there's maggots there's flies, and terrible smell. --A single drop of blood trickles down his forehead from a small hole-- There's no blood in a corpse like that, which has been dead long enough to be rotting. And like I said, a rotting corpse you can smell a block away.

The idea was that he'd been killed recently and that the maggots weren't a result of rot but rather the ghost's presence.

--

A lot of strong feedback here. Needless to say, more sensitive writers come and go around here but feel free to kick me around as much as you want in the future. I'll still find something to take from what you have to say.

In any case, I'm not of a mind to spell out everything for the reader. A script needs to have elements that exist outside the page (likewise a film needs to have elements that exist outside the screen)... if that makes any sense. I'm also big on inference and not providing information solely for the benefit of the audience. It tends to have a negative effect on how natural the dialogue sounds. Since this particular script deals with the supernatural, I'm inclined to wrap everything up less neatly.

For everything else... duly noted. I'll apply it to the script.

Thanks again, man.

Glad my feedback could be useful. Since you were sending this in to compete, I figured I better not hold back. I'm sure a lot of this story will play well with the horror crowd. I hope it does well!

Hey James,

Saw this script come up, thought I'd give it a looky loo.
I see your zombie script is on hold, hope everything's ok there.

This one was a bit of a tough read for me.
I don't feel the E.C. Comics vibe was well set up for your third act.
It's a thirty page ghost story that doesn't hint at anything supernatural until page 22.
Suddenly, it feels like "Trainspotting" getting gang raped by "From Dusk Til Dawn".
It wasn't a smooth transition for me.

I'm guessing the thematic core here is morals and comeuppance.
Poor Lucas does the right thing, but all too late to save himself.
I like Smithy as a character, the drug thing worked out fine for me.

This suggestion is kinda left fieldish, but it just flashed in my brain, so here goes...
Lucas is a fallen teacher, he did the right thing and got punished for it.
Let's take the underutilized identity of the corpse being pillaged.
Why can't Phyllis actually be one of Lucas's grade school teachers?
Now, there's a connection between the two that also ties into the theme.
Getting "admonished" by your undead teacher has all sorts of implications.
Now, that's a fun dark pickle dripping with sarcasm on a moral slippery slope.

Playing out a moral/supernatural conflict against an ironic backdrop sounds like fun.
Maybe I'm crazy, but that's what just popped out of my head.
Poor Lucas feels horrible as he robs the grave of the teacher that inspired him.
Flashbacks to his youth in her classroom could be buckets of fun.
That's E.C. Comics full tilt ironic gold, in my humble opinion.
There's a lot of doom and gloom and I think a sly nasty twist would help.
I like most of your dialog, I just wanted this all to be happening faster.

As to the ending, it felt tacked on.
I didn't get the money or the heckling ghosts in the graveyard.
They felt random to me.

I hope this ramble helps, best of luck with all your fine writing.

Regards,
E.D.

Thanks for the read, Brett.

I'll consider your point about the transition from mundane to supernatural, although you're not helping your case by comparing it to a Trainspotting/FDTD gang rape; that sounds awesome! If I changed anything, I'd expect it'd be subtle. Many a little hint or two of what's to come before they finish the job. I've got some ideas flowing already. Just the same, I'm more or less happy with the way it stands now. I don't mind dramatic shifts in tone, so long as they're facilitated by the story. I quite enjoy writing this way as it makes the stories more interested. Personally, I don't like to get everything in a neat little package.

The ending might be a different story. I've had a lot of complaints about it, numerous to the point where I might have to reconsider my stance. The situation with the money was initially to tie things up with Mel, so she wasn't a character who appeared in the opening only to disappear entirely. But I'm not sure it's necessary anymore what with Lucas's phone call to her before his demise; it might be easier not to have it rather than have to justify it.

I still don't understand why people are having such a hard time with the ghosts. I really, really don't. To say it's tacked on is one thing but people's issues seem to be inherent in the situation. I don't get it.

I'm not married to it though. I'm sure I can think of something that works better to wrap everything up.

Your suggestion about the teacher's not a bad one but I think I'd have to drastically change the dynamics of the story to incorporate it. While I've made exceptions, I don't like to use flashbacks. More often than not, it's cheap writing. I also feel like if Lucas were fond of this teacher, he wouldn't help Smithy, even if he didn't get the money. If it were a teacher he felt mistreated by, he might be more game but I feel like that would detract from his likability. While he may not be a saint, that's still something that's important to me.

I can't recall reading West Side Markets. Seeing as it's the only thing of yours I haven't read, I'll check it out.

Thanks again, man!

Quoted from James McClung Thanks for the read, Brett. I'll consider your point about the transition from mundane to supernatural, although you're not helping your case by comparing it to a Trainspotting/FDTD gang rape; that sounds awesome!

Hey James,

Heh, well then, go over the top and have a field day!
Maybe that's why the ghostage feels out of whack in your narrative.
It's a straightforward character study that takes a big detour.
It's probably something minute, but there's a kernel missing for me.
And that narrative kernel is the suspension of disbelief I'm looking for here.

Quoted from James McClung The ending might be a different story. I've had a lot of complaints about it, numerous to the point where I might have to reconsider my stance. The situation with the money was initially to tie things up with Mel, so she wasn't a character who appeared in the opening only to disappear entirely. But I'm not sure it's necessary anymore what with Lucas's phone call to her before his demise; it might be easier not to have it rather than have to justify it.

Mel felt superfluous to me at the end.
We've gone from sober morality tale to maggot sprayfest.
Lucas and Smithy is where it's at, as far as I'm concerned.
Heck, maybe they both went to the same school, different years.
They both have a connection to the old bird in their own way.
Eternal afterlife with your old teacher. It's the ultimate detention!
I'm selling myself on this and it's not my story, pardon my OCD spitball.

Quoted from James McClung I still don't understand why people are having such a hard time with the ghosts. I really, really don't. To say it's tacked on is one thing but people's issues seem to be inherent in the situation. I don't get it.

Nothing about this script felt supernatural at all until we're in the maggot fest.
Maybe the hermit is the way in?
He babbles some ghostly gobblety gook? Something.
I want to go on your journey, but I need a tour guide, James.

Quoted from James McClung Your suggestion about the teacher's not a bad one but I think I'd have to drastically change the dynamics of the story to incorporate it. While I've made exceptions, I don't like to use flashbacks. More often than not, it's cheap writing. I also feel like if Lucas were fond of this teacher, he wouldn't help Smithy, even if he didn't get the money. If it were a teacher he felt mistreated by, he might be more game but I feel like that would detract from his likability. While he may not be a saint, that's still something that's important to me.

I think that's part of my detachment from the story.
Lucas didn't deserve it, wrong place wrong time kind of dude.
If he made his choice and had to pay for it, but still wanted good thing for Mel...
I'm even more invested in his struggle now. I like that guy.
It gives Lucas a serious dilemma and there are consequences either way.
Perhaps Lucas balks and Smithy coerces him.
It seems like a fun dynamic to me with lots of possibilities.
I work better in those environments and helps me be more spontaneous on the page.

Quoted from James McClung I can't recall reading West Side Markets. Seeing as it's the only thing of yours I haven't read, I'll check it out. Thanks again, man!

If you're in the mood for a Valentine romance battle royale, feel free! Thanks!
Best of luck, James. You've got the chops, have fun digging in!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Electric Dreamer Nothing about this script felt supernatural at all until we're in the maggot fest. Maybe the hermit is the way in? He babbles some ghostly gobblety gook? Something. I want to go on your journey, but I need a tour guide, James.

I meant Lucas and Smithy as ghosts. Even within the context of the second half of the story, a lot of people had a problem with this. That's what I don't understand. Your issue with the supernatural angle overall, I get.

Quoted from James McClung I meant Lucas and Smithy as ghosts. Even within the context of the second half of the story, a lot of people had a problem with this. That's what I don't understand. Your issue with the supernatural angle overall, I get.

Pardon if this comes off as rude, but let me ask you a question.
Why do you think it's appropriate Lucas and Smithy wind up as ghosts in the end?
Whatever that reason is, make sure it's logic is consistent through the story.
Even a hint of supernatural property about the jewel may help most readers.
A strange glow as it's stolen, etc. Something like that may be the lynch pin.
I'm grasping at straws to put it into words, hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

I wouldn't say it's inappropriate. It doesn't break any rules I've laid out for the world. I suppose it's a little unnecessary but it wrapped up the story. Before I posted the script, it ended the moment Lucas is killed... I was told it was too abrupt (there's just no pleasing some people).

Regardless, these aren't the sentiments people are projecting. People seem to have problems with the corporeal qualities of the ghosts. It's strange to me. Stranger still is how fervent the disapproval has been.

In any case, I think I'm gonna chuck it. Maybe end with Phyllis returning to her grave, the hermit watching from the woods and running away in fright. Watch'cha think? Yes? No? Maybe so?

Quoted from James McClung I wouldn't say it's inappropriate. It doesn't break any rules I've laid out for the world. I suppose it's a little unnecessary but it wrapped up the story. Before I posted the script, it ended the moment Lucas is killed... I was told it was too abrupt (there's just no pleasing some people).

James,

I don't think it's inappropriate, not what I meant, sorry.
I wanted to know why you chose that end for your protags.
Whatever that reason is, see if it's "footprint" exists elsewhere in your script.
If it doesn't you may want to find a way to interject it in there.
Does that make more sense? I suck at expressing myself today.

Quoted from James McClung Regardless, these aren't the sentiments people are projecting. People seem to have problems with the corporeal qualities of the ghosts. It's strange to me. Stranger still is how fervent the disapproval has been. In any case, I think I'm gonna chuck it. Maybe end with Phyllis returning to her grave, the hermit watching from the woods and running away in fright. Watch'cha think? Yes? No? Maybe so?

The living eyes bit at the end was the part that sat odd with me, that's it.
With all the maggotness, I took Phyllis as a coming back from the dead thingy.
I think Lucas and Smithy are your protags and you should do what's best for them.
Perhaps a touch of exposition from the employer before he expires could work.
Sometimes, it's that kind of plot stuff that can tie things together for the reader.

E.D.