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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  May 2010 One Week Challenge  /  OWC - Farm Girl
Posted by: Don, May 16th, 2010, 9:50pm
Farm Girl by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A daughter deals with her father's chastisement by shooting her food. - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: jwent6688, May 16th, 2010, 10:04pm; Reply: 1
Mildly amused by this one. A vegan girl getting her own food with a rifle?

Other then that, No real ending IMO. Could've been better with what you started with.

Posted by: stevie, May 16th, 2010, 10:34pm; Reply: 2
Short and sweet, and I still have no idea what it means.
Posted by: greg, May 16th, 2010, 10:50pm; Reply: 3
You guys didn't get the ending?  She got into an argument with her dad cause she's a vegan and he's a meat guy.  So she goes out and "hunts" her own food and obviously the dad is a little upset, you know, little girl running off with a gun and firing around.  But it turns out she was just shooting fruits and stuff AKA "hunting" her food.  It's kinda like a pun.  And of course they make up in the end.

It was cute I guess.  Clever take on the theme.  Short and sweet.

That said I don't think it's anywhere near enough to be remembered among the batch of scripts, but what can I say?  Nice take on the theme and good job.
Posted by: screenrider (Guest), May 16th, 2010, 11:51pm; Reply: 4

Yeah, I get it.  It was cute.  No drama, but it fit the theme.   Needed a little more thought put into it.  A better ending.  

Good effort.
Posted by: Andrew, May 17th, 2010, 12:13am; Reply: 5
Same writer as the last one I read, judging by the identical layout and style.

Again, another joke that was written in a short space of time. There's not really very much to say to stuff like this. It's a skit, but not a good one, so it just makes a bit of a mockery of the theme under the guise of 'having some fun'.

Posted by: khamanna, May 17th, 2010, 12:17am; Reply: 6
It's a very good concept. Could be more clearer, I think, but I understood it (on the second read).

I think you could show him tell her "you're not a daughter of mine if you can't shoot your own food." Why to hear her telling him what he has told her... Let him say it and let us hear him say it...

I think it could be really beautiful with a small rewrite. I think your story would work so much better if you got rid of all "you said" "I said" and made it more clearer. But it IS a good story, I really liked it.
Posted by: Cam17, May 17th, 2010, 1:07am; Reply: 7
Just not too much story to comment on here.  There was no tension or conflict whatsoever, so it'd be hard to call this a drama.  

So argument that I can shoot?

That just sounds awkward.  

I like the idea of a kid disagreeing with her parent on the subject, but I think you could have dug a lot deeper.
Posted by: Dreamscale, May 17th, 2010, 2:17am; Reply: 8
Hmmm, I'm getting this weird feeling that everyone's doing pisstakes as entries.

This one is pretty bad again, but seemingly written poorly on purpose...or hopefully.  The dialogue is brilliantly horrible.  Very humorous, actually.

Didn't make much sense but again, I think that was probably intended.

Funny stuff...
Posted by: michel, May 17th, 2010, 4:27am; Reply: 9
A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope sh's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?

Michel 8)
Posted by: michel, May 17th, 2010, 4:28am; Reply: 10
A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope she's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?

Michel 8)
Posted by: michel, May 17th, 2010, 4:29am; Reply: 11
A nice one. Not quite a drama but I liked the idea hunting vegetables. Hope she's a good shooter, otherwise, I can't imagine the state of the apple.

Still wonder he she gets carrots. Mines?

Michel 8)
Posted by: Trojan, May 17th, 2010, 5:12am; Reply: 12
I understood the story here no problem, but I could also see the twist coming right from the beginning. Not a lot here to comment on really, a fair effort.

Posted by: stebrown, May 17th, 2010, 6:47am; Reply: 13
This wasn't too bad. Pretty much hits the challenge but I think it needed a bit more of a story. Maybe if you showed the argument that led her to go out and 'hunt' her food?

Nice effort.
Posted by: dogglebe (Guest), May 17th, 2010, 10:01am; Reply: 14
While I thought this was a good script, a rewrite would do wonders to improve it.  I thought that Jed was a little too understand to what his daughter was doing.  A 'meat and potatoes' guy like him would probably slap her for wasting ammo and scaring the animals (and himself).  I also think that Millie's too old for her actions; I can imagine a ten year doing what she was doing, but not a fifteen year old.

Posted by: grademan, May 17th, 2010, 10:16am; Reply: 15
Kudos on a creative approach to the assignment but the story was a one trick pony. For a drama boost, showing the argument between Milly and Jed or the ridicule she felt, rather than telling us in dialogue would have helped this one a lot.
Posted by: c m hall, May 17th, 2010, 10:49am; Reply: 16
I don't think this script had much of a debate about diet choices -- and the idea that one needs to shoot  food is kind of silly, farm animals would be just as likely killed with axes and knives.  
Posted by: Ledbetter (Guest), May 17th, 2010, 11:42am; Reply: 17
Short and sweet about sums it up. I hope no actual vegetable was injured during the filming .....

Posted by: Coding Herman, May 17th, 2010, 2:28pm; Reply: 18
A short and nice script. Maybe a bit too short to have the impact you wanted to achieve.

I can see the ending when Jed said, "This ain't hunting, Milly." So you might want to hide the hints even more.

Not much of a story, more like a scene or a particular incident. And there's no argument between veggie/carnivore philosophies. The father is too nice here. If he tries harder to convert Millie, that might be more interesting and add conflict.

I enjoyed it, but not sure if it's gonna be remembered.
Posted by: FDiogo, May 17th, 2010, 4:46pm; Reply: 19
Yeah, short and sweet. I still think you could've build up some more tension about what she was shooting (maybe trying to make us think it could be people).

"I'm just a meat and potatoes guy.". I think we get it from the visuals, it would get sweeter if you didn't say this and let the audience wonder about it.
Posted by: pwhitcroft, May 17th, 2010, 5:35pm; Reply: 20
Ill make notes as I go..

Pg 1 Has a really gripping start.
The dialogue at the end of the page wraps over to the next page, which is a formatting taboo.

Pg 3 I like the premise for this and for me its good that you have kept it short because that feels like the natural length for the story.

This is an effective story with a good visual element to it.
Posted by: _ghostwriters, May 18th, 2010, 2:32pm; Reply: 21
To the writer...

Not much here, really.  Dogglebe made a good point, a re-write woud do wonders, but what would be even better is to expand this.  You have four, well three pages minus the title.  You could have added four or five pages and made something out of this.

Guess what I'm saying is... you chose quantity over quality... if you know what I mean.

Posted by: Sandra Elstree., May 18th, 2010, 5:44pm; Reply: 22

This is kind of cute, but it doesn't really have a whole lot of story to it.

I'm wondering why she would scare her father by "the shot" and then he's all nicey-nice afterwards.

Seems he'd be right pissed that she's just goofing off with a weapon.

Posted by: TheRichcraft, May 19th, 2010, 11:22pm; Reply: 23
Poor Milly.  It looks like she needs to take Midol from now on.l

And before the feminists take issue with that, my grandma started shooting up the farm after an argument with grandpa back in the fifties.  Grandma admitted that it was during her time of the month.

Anonymous, you made my day with this one.  Thanks for bringing back a wild memory of my grandma.
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