Wolves at the Door by Jeremy O'Brien - Short, Drama - The epic tale is finally told...who is the carnivore? Who is the vegen, and who is the wolf? - pdf, format 8)

Well this is only the second one I've read and obviously this is a joke entry. I'm hoping there's not too many like this as I'll probably stop reading if there are.

Too many issues to get into really and as I'm almost certain they're all deliberate I'll just say that this wasn't for me and didn't meet the challenge - and a fellow Geordie, I see?

Ste

Well, any script that mentions Richard Greico, you know is pretty much doomed.  I had not a clue what was going on here.

But when I read this epic piece of dialogue at the end:

                          SOMEONE ELSE IN THE PUB
                 Argh...ah...etc...etc...  Run for
                 the hills!

You've got to be the same guy who wrote that "black blob of revenge" script last OWC.  Still repeating those same mistakes, unfortunately.  That dialogue is hilarious, though.

Jeremy O'Brien ?

I thought (even if fake) the MOD asked not to put names on the submissions and based on what the above posters have commented, I won't bother reading it.

Shawn.....><

Just read Cam's post, and was already laughing about the same line of dialogue...and many others as well.

This is downright terrible and really seems like maybe it's supposed to be.  Christopher Lee doing meaningless V.O.'s?  Describing a character by comparing him to 3 different actors, but with worse hair and not as rich or popular?  WOW...just WOW!

Gotta include 1 more quote here, cause it's truly a classic...

"The moonlight reflects on it and we can see like over a hundred different reflections darting back and forth in every single eye of every single wolf (except the biggest one who isn't outside any longer)." - WTF?  Are you serious?  C'mon now...

Very funny actually...hope this is a comedy...if it's meant to be serious, please stop writing immediately!  Sorry, but I'm serious.

Didn't take the challenge seriously.  Another waste of time.

This is way too chunky a read. Chunky works sometimes, but it's a rare breed.

First off,

is sat on a
stool at the bar. A frothing pint

is sat in front of him on
the bar.

You've used "is sat" too much to no effect. Cut it.

Here:

We see ALROY (almost 25 and a half) walking towards the bar.
He has thick red hair that resembles a fiery lion's mane.
He is wearing a skin tight T-Shirt with Simon Cowell's face
on it that is at least two sizes too small. A fag hanging
from the corner of his mouth sends smoke wisps into the
already very smoky air. You could probably even cut it with
a knife it's so smoky.

Who the hell cares if he's twenty five or twenty-five and a half?

Who the hell is Simon Cowell? Ooh!! Simon! Of course.

Advice here is don't work on describing things or people. Work instead on building the feelings you want to invoke. Everyone starts with that "describing" things. Mostly, because that's how the asinine public schools teach people "not to think".

Pay attention to some of your favorite writers, but keep up your own methods.

Sandra

It seems that some people don't get that this is a joke. Obviously all of the mistakes in this script are done on purpose. (No, I didn't write this)

I actually found it funny, and enjoyed the read.

Cheers,
Tim.

If this is a joke, the overly rich narrative and poor dialogue about talking wolves in a pub is more palatable (Palatable? Listen to me, now I'm a food critic!) than meat pies. I did laugh at this one!

Based on the last 2 posts, things are starting to clear up for me.  This is a joke and it is quite hilarious.

It seems like 90% of the entries are all jokes.  I will start looking at them from this angle from now on.

Obviously someone is trying to take the piss out of Brits here, but fundamentally doesn't understand the irony of British humour. All the mates and ridiculous words - woeful.

If you are a Brit and you wrote this... you must've been "wonked", mate. If you're not a Brit... go back to the drawing board, pal.

Taking the piss scripts should be funny, not painful like this.

Andrew

I’ll make notes as I go..

Does this have your name on the title page?

Pg 1 – Visually this page is a mass of text which unfortunately makes it very discouraging to read.

Pg 3 – Tick the box for vegan/carnivore debate.

Overall it’s pretty surreal. Unfortunately I don’t know if I ever really connected with it.

This one pretty much breaks every screenwriting rule there is si I'm thinking this one was a joke.

It's vegan not vegen...

This was supposed to be a comedy. Not really my kind of humor, but that doesn't mean it can't be to others.

I did like the idea of the salad eating wolf. He sort of turns out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing. Nice touch there.

I had another look at this. Yeah, it was pretty good. A definite sendup (today will be a 'pisstake' free day...well, almost)
Some great depictions of the UK pub scene.

You really overdescribe a lot of things, especially characterization and their appearance. It made a very clunky read. Took a long time to get through the first page. Just name a few distinct traits and move on.

You can get rid of a lot of "we" and passive verbiage. Can push up the read a lot more.

A few un-filmables, we cannot see what the bouncer wants when he walks over to the wolves.

Because of the clunky description, I lost track of the characters. Such as Alroy and Bartley. Had to scroll back up to see who they are.

Their dialogues sound very unnatural, almost archaic. Isn't this set in the present days?

If Christopher Lee is in V.O., then how can we see what's he doing?

Overall, I didn't get the story. Seems like a pack of wolves come into the pub, Alroy and Bartley argued, and then the wolves kill them. End of story.

I wish the writer can enlighten me his/her intention. Sorry.

Huh? I don't get this at all. A group of wolves, inexplicably, show up at a pub to eat meat pies, but wait, some are vegetarians and have salads and veggies in their mouths? Huh?

Moving on...

Who are the Vegans, who are the Carnivores, and who are the wolves?

And why is Christopher Lee doing meaningless V.O.'s?

I'm still thinking this is a serious entry, although a pretty bad one.

This can't be a serious entry, it is so bad it's good. I think this was by a writer who knows what they are doing and actually did this for a laugh. I mean the references to Richard Grieco, the guy being nearly 25 and a half, the dialogue from the wolf, Christopher Lee?! Haha an amateur writer could not come up with this sort of stuff, it is comedy gold.

Quoted from Trojan It seems that some people don't get that this is a joke. Obviously all of the mistakes in this script are done on purpose. (No, I didn't write this) I actually found it funny, and enjoyed the read. Cheers, Tim.

Some of us wasted our time on this joke, in seriousness. You can all have a good laugh on me with this one. I never saw it here.

Sandra

Usually I try to see plot potentials in these scripts.  This one left me at a loss.  Did not get it at all.

OK everyone, I'm going to come clean here.  This one's mine.

Sorry to mess around, but I just couldn't help myself.  This is definitely a pisstake, and a great example of exactly how not to write a script.  I tried to break every rule in the book and then some.

The big blocks of text and dialogue, the crazy descriptions, the goofy asides, the zany, make no sense plot, the over the top and meaningless V.O. by Christopher Lee, and of course the dialogue, capped by including "etc., etc.".

Hope some of you at least got a laugh...I know I sure did.  Also hope some of you weren't sure whether or not it was a serious effort (sorry Coding and Sandra!).

I have to say that I've been literally laughing my as off ever since I started writing this.  I had a dinner party last weekend and we were doing a little partying, if you know what I mean...I printed out this script, and then cut slices, holes, and the like in every page, and let my guests have a read.  Their first reaction was, "Why the Hell is it all cut up?".  I told them that I wanted it to look as bad as possible, just to get them in the proper state of mind.  They were giggling wildly the rest of the night, and it turned out to be quite hilarious for all of us.

My apologies again.  I hope no one holds it against me.  It was my first pisstake I ever wrote. You won't be seeing anymore of these from me in the future.

Thanks for all the reads and comments.  Some of them were very funny.

Way to go, Jeff. Don't tell me you wrote No Meat as well.

Quoted from Coding Herman Way to go, Jeff. Don't tell me you wrote No Meat as well.

Oof.

Okay, had to finish the Jeff Bush triage. Good work cranking three out in a week.

Anywho, my only gripe here is the wolf's dialogue is quite American. Though I guess your attempt at British was a failure according to Andrew. I myself, being another yank of course, bought it. Part of the pisstake? Plan on saying that word until Stevie can no longer stomach it.

Couldn't think of a rule you didn't break. Would love to see your review on this if something like it ever came down the portal. Still laughed though, gotta admit it.

The wolf tossing a  tomato into the bouncers mouth whilst still holding a carrot and head of lettuce? That would be a priceless scene.

James

Thanks, Cleveland. Yeah, my review of this prior to this OWC would be quite crushing...but after all the pissers, I think you can tell that I was a bit leery of calling entries serious or pissers..hard to tell sometimes.

Glad you liked the tomato flying into the bounce's mouth.  I was laughing very hard about this.

Thanks again to all who read and commented.

Quoted from Dreamscale Thanks, Cleveland. Yeah, my review of this prior to this OWC would be quite crushing...but after all the pissers, I think you can tell that I was a bit leery of calling entries serious or pissers..hard to tell sometimes. Glad you liked the tomato flying into the bounce's mouth.  I was laughing very hard about this. Thanks again to all who read and commented.

Thank you Jeff, for all your hard and dedicated work.

I love you, but there's a problem:

You won't admit it, but you had a child out of wedlock. You know his name.

We need to make peace and you need to acknowledge his presence.

Luvya,

Sandra

Huh?  Sandra...please...let me in on whatever it is you're talking about.  DO TELL!!!!

Quoted from Dreamscale Huh?  Sandra...please...let me in on whatever it is you're talking about.  DO TELL!!!!

I'm afraid I've already been too bold. I apologize, but Alex might ring a bell.

Sandra

Hmmm,

I sense a bold poet strolling the boards. I like poets. They're fun.

I think this script has a good title. Caught my Beady Eye.

There were also some things in it which I quite enjoyed.

Once I saw past all the definitely deliberate errors and the fundamental mistakes I think there was something there worth looking at for a little while.

R x

EDIT after author's post: Youre Welcome.

Alex Van Halen. And Eddie. Ah, memories. I'm still Hot For Teacher. I must youtube Eruption shortly. Filled many a rock club floor in its day, that one.

Diamond "It's the Drugs, Doug" Dave Lee Roth. Watched him at Donnington one year. What a geezer. And a star. And he was in the Sopranos. Er, I should finish my digging. Sorry.

Sandra, I have absolutely no clue what you're talking about.

Alex?  Alex Van Halen?

Huh?  C'mon, let me in on the gig.

Thanks for the read, Ren.  Yes, you are actually correct.  There are some things going on here that, if looked at the right way, actually do make some sense and have a much bigger meaning.

Quoted from Dreamscale There are some things going on here that, if looked at the right way, actually do make some sense and have a much bigger meaning.

That's what I always say!  ;D

Your character, Roddy Burner Burnside, wound up getting Jeana Marie Forest pregnant when she was fourteen. Since you created Roddy, that makes you responsible.  ;D

Oh God, you're the prankster that writes Wolves at the Door, and I'm the silly nugget that gets the hell out of Dodge and writes Thief above and beyond, whereby the backstory fills my head like an ocean of dreams.

Alexander (Sudarshan) Liberius (Forest) was shipped off somewhere overseas from North America and is living with extended Heisberg family. No one has seen him since he was born in 1995.

Go figure eh?  ;D

Sandra

Ha!  Sandra, you're crazy...in a good way!

Never lose your spirit!

Quoted from Dreamscale Ha!  Sandra, you're crazy...in a good way! Never lose your spirit!

In a good and a bad way I'm afraid to say.

Yachad, (Together) in craziness.

First off, I want to say that I just read this to the end and without any vodka or the like in my system and you know what?

People might think I'm crazy and they may be right, but Jeff, this is one of the most creative things I've read from you.

Ignoring all the rules, I feel like you've just stripped off your clothes and danced naked in the moonlight.

Because I know you, (in a weird way) I can feel your personna coming through in this and I really enjoy it.

When the wolf says,

WOLF
(licking his lips
with his tongue))
I'm gonna kill both your ugly asses,
bitches. But first, I'm gonna get
shitfaced and you two fucks are gonna
pay for all my pints.

This is excellent. We're completely outside of the traditional antagonist/protagonist mode and THE WOLF is as if right between and gonna kill 'em both if they don't snap out of it!  ;D Yay, Wolf!!!

I really enjoyed this, reading this-- reading it very slowly and extracting all of the juice.

You've brightened my day.

Now, (akshav) regarding my working on the rewrite Thief script, I will approach it again after I see Gary's rewrite. He might bring it back around to the original vision, but if not, there will be Thief - Above and Below or something like that.

I studied a lot of the craft while re-writing the last version and hopefully, with some more time, I can re-write the re-write again.

Luvya,

Sandra