Red Vs Green by Meisme Isuisme - Short, Drama - no logline - pdf, format 8)

A nice read, engaging characters.

I think this was a very heavy-handed ploy to beat us over the head about World Hunger and how it's our fault for not donating money to Feed The Children.   Who are you to make me feel guilty for eating a Big Mac?  Shame on you, shame on you!


I'm kidding.  So anyway, a lot of typos.  No drama.  I'm willing to bet the writer wrote this at the last minute.  But still, pretty funny stuff.  Could've been a good episode for Seinfield.

The parentheticals were not needed and don't need to be in ALL CAPS. Too many typos. What is "three days growth?" Ear hair? Also, name your characters. It's cheap and an easy way to start to give them a personality.

A vegan and a meaty in a greasy spoon of a restaurant talking and talking. Their banter was good at times but the characters weren't distinct enough to be different voices. The cook and waitress were interesting with their banter.

I wasn't going to read this because there wasn't any logline, but it's one of those stupid days.

There's a lot of typos in here. Banter that is a bit cute. The damn soup in here is giving me cravings. French onion soup with gobs and gobs of thick melted mozzarella. Mmmm!

I enjoyed some of the dialogue even though the story didn't really go anywhere.  ;D

Sandra

Oh man, I can't take too much more of this...sorry...

So many mistakes in here...typos, misspellings, incorrect words used (women instead of woman, etc.), goofy dialogue that goes on forever, no plot/story, dull visuals...

I do apologize for being harsh, cause it looks like you definitely tried here, but it needs so much work.

Good effort...

As stated, a world of typos in this. Nevertheless, the story was quite good. Cut a couple of pages of dialogue off, fix the errors and it'll be a nice little short.

It's a very good idea and a nice twist. But too repetitive for me. I do think that you could shorten it a great deal and end up with a great script.

You did not capitalize the name Kyle in one place.

It's easy to unscramble who it's by.

No logline, huh?  Way to differentiate yourself.  

Tons of typos - sometimes several in one sentence.  No drama, but occasionally it had some humorous dialogue.  I can see that you did put effort into this unlike some others I've read, so I commend you on that but honestly this didn't work for me.  Sorry.

One of the rules of for writing good scenes is to get in late and leave early. Meaning start your scene as late as possible so you only have what is absolutely relevant to your story. And leave at a highpoint and not waffle on. With that in mind, you could easily cut the first two pages out and not lose anything. We don't need to see the scene with the waitress and cook talking about some old lady and her suggestion, it has no bearing on the story. I'd start with Bill and Kyle at the table looking at the menu.

It's also strange that you gave us a description of Carl the cook, but none of the other characters. Carl has the least screen time of any character here but you have devoted more effort to descrbing him than anyone else. Why? I could not differentiate between Bill and Kyle because you described them both as mid 20s and left it at that. Is the waitress supposed to be 18 or 65? How would I know if you don't tell me.

Huge amount of typos and mistakes, very distracting. There's little happening here in the way of conflict or story, so I think you need to find a good way to end this to compensate for a lack of story throughout. Tough challenge though, so well done on completing it in time.

Cheers,
Tim.

So....this has a good middle but the setup and resolution fell flat.

I don't understand the purpose of the old lady here. What's the purpose of the old lady's recommendation? Why make the waitress do all the walking to tables before getting to Bill and Kyle? I thought this plot point is going to come back at the end but no such luck. Get the real story started straight away!

Some of the bantering sound good to me, but it could've been better to see more action. The conflict kept me interested though.

The ending didn't do much for me. It just trails off like you don't know how to end it.

Anyway, it's still a good job and a good effort.

I found this story funny because I'm a meat and potatoes kind of guy, but I'm the one who asks the wait staff not to bring me vegetables on my hamburgers or as sides to my chicken.

However, I've noticed that my food comes faster than those ordered by people who ask a lot of questions about the food.

I think Carl and the waitress were messing with the men's minds when they said that Carl was a vegan.  All the better to bring back a repeat customer.

I’ll make notes as I go..

Pg 1 – “THE GRIDDLE” – I’m not generally a fan of this kind of mini slug usage.

“The cooked fries are removed” – There has to be an edit for the fries to cook, which is fine. However for me that suggests that before this line you could start a new paragraph. This would also break up a block of text.

Strong first page, nice visuals, effective character intro.

Pg 4 – Two things, firstly this is feeling a little mundane at the moment. Secondly you are unlucky because deep into this challenge I’ve become a little weary of the gay vegan thing. It’s feeling cliché, although outside the challenge perhaps I wouldn’t notice it.

Another thing is that you initially set this up in the kitchen with the chef’s character, but now we are not with him anymore.

Pg 5 – Bill has some quite long dialogues on this page.

Pg 7 – The chat is okay, but character wise I’m still more interested in the chef and the waitress.

Pg 10 – “What... you think he spit in my food.” – Nice twist.

The ending works really well.

Overall, this is a solid script. The issues of the debate are well presented and it’s good that you spiced up the story.