Pitch by Gary Rademan - Short, Comedy - Two men pitch drama ideas to a movie studio executive on conflicting dietary lifestyles. Vegans vs. Carnivores. 10 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Gary, how you doin', man?

Thought I'd be first cab off da rank.   Am I right in thinking this is an OWC one that didn't make the DL? Or you thought of it after?

Nice work! Neat, tidy, some great lines(the twitch was a classic) and some good insights. Loved the sport connotations with Larry's handball, etc.

Top work, Gary

Cheers stevie

You write good dialogue.  The give and take between these two guys was great.  The script was lacking in drama, though.  Really just a talking head piece.  At the end, I just wish more had actually happened.

Well formatted and tight, economical action lines.  Some of those ideas Larry and bob pitched actually would have made some good OWC scripts.  

Good job.

Stevie,

Doing alright. Thanks for asking. And thanks for being the first to read this.

Glad you liked it. I had a lot of fun writing it.

This was an OWC entry that I had done prior to the deadline but decided not to submit because it didn't fit the requirements - mostly cause it was a comedy. I thought it would be okay to roll it out now.

I got the idea from making a list of possible scenarios for the OWC and then I realized I was pitching my scripts to myself and the idea was transformed into this script.

The sports thing was fun as was the dick twitch.

Gary

It's a comedy, right.

Though what is more dramatic than turned down screenwriting pitch:)

There are many many brilliant moments in this. It's light, just like comedy should be. Some of their pitches would make truly good shorts perhaps - the one with futuristic drama where vegan would jail meat eaters for animal rights violation. And there are many good pitches from them, this one just stood out for me.
Cows eat grass and that should make us in small way vegans - this is great.

And I liked how they deteriorated into comedy and one of their ideas appealed to Randall as he remembered he has an actress for the part.

Reads almost like a true story:)

The whole thing just flows, very smart dialog. I loved it.

Ryan1,

Thanks for the read, man. I appreciate your comments.

It is a talking head piece so that's another reason I hesitated to enter this in the OWC. My pieces often lack a real drama (gotta fix that) no matter how I try to disguise it. Maybe if I had the two pitch men hated each other like Seinfeld and Neuman and only the winner gets his script read would have been a better way to go... but this is what I had.

The comment on the writing style was what I was going for so thanks for noticing that.

Dialogue has always been hard for me so good to see I am getting bettter.

Yes, the ideas pitched would have made  a good OWC entry or two but this is the one I wanted to write for some reason.

Gary

khamanna,

Thanks for the enthusiastic comments.

The line about "Cows eat grass..." came from my wife when I was quizzing her on the topic. It was so good I thought about using it as the title but PITCH made more sense.

My favorite one was Brokeback Burger. I actually had to cut a few pitches out to keep the pacing.

Thanks for noting the dialogue.  I usually have trouble with that but this time my fingers/mind really came through for me.

Gary

Gary, owed you a looksee. Working on snips too.

Can't fault the writing at all. Good banter. If there were any qualms, the merry go round in the pitch room did go on a little long for me. Almost made me dizzy.

nice writing something we can relate to. The lives of wanna-be screenwriters. This would've definitely been one of the better entries. As others already pointed out, some great lines in her too.

Good work,

James

Yeah, I'll have to echo with other reviewers. Although I liked the dialogue (the highlight of the script), it drags a lot in the middle with nothing much going on. And then the ending is just there.

The bantering between Bob and Larry in the beginning was interesting and felt real. They have distinct voices and personalities.

Loved the "reserved for screenwriters" parking sign at the furthest end of the parking lot. That made me laugh.

Overall, good writing and dialogue, but need more of a story.

You should have submitted for OWC, since as we all know, the requirements for this OWC got thrown out the window.

James,

Thanks for the return read. And thanks in advance for reading Snips. Tom and I appreciate it.

Glad you liked Pitch, that's what's important. If you were almost dizzy after the pitch sequence, I wasn't going for that specifically, but I'll take it as a compliment,

The pitch may have gone on a little long, I had to cut a few to get it down to what I thought was a good number.  I guess I was showing off my ideas for movies rahter than considering less is usually better. Kudos for pointng that out.

A few good lines for a ten pager is great by me.

Gary

coding,

Yeah, I should have entered the OWC but at least I got it posted shortly afterwards. Besides, it gives everyone a chance to respond in kind to my comments regarding their entries.

I worked hard on the dialogue, not so hard on the story so your comments don't surprise me. I'd like to get both story and dialogue to hit in my next OWC entry.

The reserved for screenwriters sign popped into my head when looking at a parking sign for the disabled. Lightning bolt!

Thanks for the read and comments.

Gary

Hi Gary,

Good stuff here. The dialogue was very, very good. Good back and forth conversations, some funny lines (“Screenwriters are supposed to tell me stories that make my dick twitch.”) and things that fellow screenwriters will chuckle at (parking spaces!). It's very well written, too.  

I'm actually kind of jealous as you probably have 3 times the amount of ideas in this script for the OWC than I had the whole week.  :o Yours are much better too!

Conclusion, if this was filmed as a short, most people wouldn't feel their "dick twitch", but as a script on a screenwriters website, there's a lot we will find funny about this that non-screenwriters won't. Very good work!

Brian

Brian,

Thanks for the read!

You're right. Funnier for screenwriters than non. Actually a very limited audience. Some even find them offensive, like you can't think of something better, so why waste the paper?

Yes, this was a dialogue piece. I've been working on that.

Looking at the twitch line as you have written above, it seems funnier than I usually am, Either it's genius (!) or I borrowed it in my sleep.  :-/

Glad you liked it.

Gary

Gary,

So I thought you had some really good moments in this. And I'm surprised you say that dialogue is a weak spot for you, because the dialogue had a rythym and pacing to it.

And some of the ideas they kicked around were funny, and some were bad, but the bad ones actually work to make the other ideas seem more funny. So great job there.

If I had one concern it was that the beginning dragged a bit. Though I imagine seeing Bob huff and puff would be amusing on screen. Maybe do the parking lot thing and then cut to Randall's office? And I do agree that this would have a very limited audience, but it was fun nonetheless.

Oh, and thanks for the multiple mentions of "Fifteen Minutes". See Phil? Sixteen doesn't make any sense.

Anthony

Anthony,

Thanks for the read and comments.

I liked the suggestion to cut from the parking lot to the office. (This is where I slam my fingers in my desk drawer and moan, I shoulda done that!) The parts with the secretary are ditchable.

My dialogue is my weakest link. But I think I made progress with this piece. My next link to strengthen is to avoid talking head scenarios and work on the drama action thing. You know, the small stuff.

Gary

Gary,

This was nice.  I think if it had been included with the other OWCs it would have broken the top 10.  Had some very funny moments (dick twitch line) and some amusing banter.

I think the dialogue dragged a bit in the middle with the bouncing of subject to subject and some of the fellas' ramblings came out as awkward for me (for example, when going into their pitches it seemed like there should have been more or they were about to further explain the concept before they abruptly stopped.  Seemed like there would have been more and/or smoother transitions from one guy to another), but on a whole there was some funny stuff in here.

So nice work.  I'd say submit it with the rest of the bunch next time...even though the last OWC was drama, but we all know how that turned out.

Greg

Greg,

As always, thanks for reading and your comments.

Yeah, the transition stuff could have been smoother, These things are obvious when you get comments, not so obvious when writing the script. I'm glad you thought parts of it were funny.

I was hesitant to submit for the OWC because it was off assignment. But, you're right, I should have put it in.

Gary

Grademan,

I enjoyed this one.  It did start a little slow IMO but turned out well.  I thought your dialogue was fine.  Hell, I spend more time on trying to write my own dialogue for my scripts.

A few chuckles.  Can't fault your writing man, so... wait!  Page#3 "The they."  ???

Good job

Ghostwriter

Thanks Ghost!

As always, I appreciate the read and comments. I agree the start was slow but I wanted to get the characters some flesh. AJR suggested I go from the parking lot to the pitch which would def. help kickstart it.

Page 3 error "The they" Dam damn you found it!

Dialogue is always tough, uh, important. I' ve heard of writers who write the dialouge last. And I've heard of writers who write it first. Eihter way we gotta write it.

Gary

I thought it would've been interesting to switch characters' traits, but I still love it as it is.

Thanks.

t

Thanks T for the read. I thought about that as I was putting it together but decided on the characters as is. The fat guy drives a Prius and thinks he's being responsible but is a carnivore and the thin guy drives a fossil fuel guzzler and eats sushi. Good idea to add to my mental check list before submitting.

Glad you liked it. Welcome to SS!

Gary

Gnaw means to chew, generally when used as a negative its spelled nah or naw.

Other than that funny stuff.  Was just thinking, since the producer wanting this type of script seems a little hard to buy, what if it was implied that he just made up the challenge for his own entertainment of listening to the two fumble out ideas?  makes its a little more demeaning to them.

Really good banter between the two of them, batting the ball as they pitch.  Fun stuff.

Thanks jackx for the read!

Glad you liked the banter - it was the fun part of writing this.

Gnaw was an intentional mispelling - a bit of self wit for the executive.

Yeah, the reason for wanting the script was originally due to the Development suits looking for new movie ideas but for some reason I left it out. It was the reason the executive was in a bad mood when the boys came to pitch.

I like where you are going with the demeaning intent of the executive.

Gary

Gary,

Thanks for the read on Widow's Walk. The second draft should be up soonish.
Since you were kind enough to post links in your signature, thought I'd give this a read.
Pitch reads very breezy, it reminds me of the feature, "My Favorite Year." Love that one.
I can see Jim Carrey and Zack Galifinakis chewing up the scenery!
What this may lack in dramatic structure it makes up for with being a fun read.
Thanks for the post! I look forward to checking out one of your features.

Regards,
E.D.