Edge of Life by Jean-Pierre Chapoteau - Short, Dark Comedy - A man spends the last of his savings on a self indulging adventure before making a life or death decision. - pdf, format 8)

Jean-Pierre,

You're becoming one of my favorite writers to follow, next to Matias Caruso.  You guys have a knack for writing stories that are a cut above the rest.  Format and creative-wise, top-notch.  This story was another prime example.  The same goes for your other script, Pieces Of me.   I'm taking notes from guys like you.   8)

My only question with this story is I've never seen a food court sell beer.

Again, well done.

EDIT:  Do you have any other scripts on Movie Poet or another site.  If you could provide me a link I'd like to read them as well.   Thanks.

Hey thanks screenrider. I'll definitely have to check out a couple of your scripts.

Did you really like it? The voice overs didn't bother you? That was my main problem in the contest. Everyone hated the voice overs.  

I have others but... I haven't fixed them yet so they're crap.  When I do polish them I'll definitely post them on here.

To be honest, Moviepoet.com is the real help.  I've only been there for like 6-7 months and they've helped my craft tremendously! Why don't you join?

Beer in mall: They do! Go to Sbarro's  and look! My wife and I flipped when we saw it! I purchased one and stood next to the sign and took a picture. That's where I got the idea from.  

If you guys don't mind, can you give me some of your input on this script? Thanks.

Hey, JeanPierre, I'm afraid I didn't enjoy it as much as I'd like.

I read the original version on Moviepoet during the Numbers contest and I gave you a Good on it.

The rewrite is about the same. What I don't like is we are always in the dark for 90% of the script. We didn't know Daniel's motive and intention until the very very end. What he did with the five hundred dollars might be interesting, but I didn't really care because I didn't know what he want.

If the comforter, beer, prostitute, slot machine, and the gun come into play at the end, it might save this script from a lack of direction. But right now only the gun has some kind of use.

The ending, again, came out of the blue. You might need to foreshadow more about his wife/girlfriend in the beginning. The flies buzz is a nice touch though.

Interestingly, the V.O. didn't bother me.

Hope I didn't sound too harsh.

P.S. I'm Herman at MP.

Eventhough they're not speaking characters, i do believe you should introduce anyone in caps. FAMILY, CHEAP PROSTITUTE. SECURITY GAURD. They still require actors.

"Gasping in passion"? - a hooker? Maybe exhausted would be better. Don't think too many Hookers are passionate about their "Jon"'s

CLERK
It's up two fifty six mill tonight. - typo pg 5

I think your use of slugs let this down a bit. in the apartment.

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

Then in an action you tell us he's in the kitchen. At a coffee table that was weird no less. I think you should use the counter and...

INT. APARTMENT KITCHEN -DAY

AS I kept reading him at a coffee table I pictured him in the living room. Which kinda blew your ending for me. I was like, Where did they come from?

The air freshener necklace was a nice touch. I thought five different things to do before you die on a seven pager was a little long.

Would like to see this guy break more of societies rules. drinking in a mall food court too close is kinda weak for a guy who just broke the cardinal rule of society.

I'll admit, thought he had cancer or something, so you got me with the ending. You write well also. I think this script could be a little tighter. Maybe a little more powerful. Like to see him maybe break down once in the middle, but if it was crazy you were going for, you've acheived that.

As it sits I just thought it was okay. Not to say it doesn't have potential.
Hope this helps.

James

Thank you guys!!  That's what I wanted!

@ Herman: I like your idea of having more things come into play at the end. I did have the comforter, but now that I look at it, it is kind of lame.  I will at least have one more thing that relates. Maybe the BAT! Haha! But then that would be too late...  I'll think of something. Thanks man.

@ Jwent He was in the living room the entire time. I think I mentioned his coat in the kitchen. Maybe I accidentally wrote in a typo. I'll check.  When you said he should break down, Aww!!! Why didn't I think of that?! Yes, that would be perfect! So now you know there is something wrong that he is not showing us. Excellent. As for doing something more risky... I dunno, I'll think about that.  

I really appreciate the feedback guys. Why so I have to beg?! Why aren't people reviewing my script?!

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau He was in the living room the entire time. I think I mentioned his coat in the kitchen.

Then you have to move us from one room to the next. with a slug, mini or not. I thought you were trying to keep him in the kitchen. Because you never change rooms when you went back. just...

INT. APARTMENT - DAY

We need to know which room.

SPOILER!!!!

If they were there the whole time and he WAS in the living room, how did we not see them? This needs explained better.

Quoted from Jean-Pierre Chapoteau I really appreciate the feedback guys. Why so I have to beg?! Why aren't people reviewing my script?!

You're new. Just keep reading others. Try to find something wrong with their script. Give positive citicism so they can make it better. Everyone's script can be better IMO.


[/quote]

Hello Jean,

I think you've done well with this one. I have a problem with the ending, but I might have missed something so you know, but it's probably worthwhile to say anyways.

Typos:

>Daniel's slides the bills

Daniel unwraps each one and pulls there strings over his

should be "their"

Don't enter contests with typos.

DANIEL (V.O.)
I don't blame him for asking. On
average, would a man like me have a
gun permit? No.

This is wrong for dialogue. Why not? My brother does and he's 58.
Doesn't make sense; so change that.

The style in this is excellent and cinematic:

EXT. APARTMENT - DAY

A sheet of rain pummels the streets. In a dingy overcoat
with no hood, Daniel makes his way up the building steps.

Police sirens blare behind him. Clenching his money tightly
in one and the plastic bag in the other, Daniel raises his
hands to the sky as he slowly turns.

A delusional smile creeps on his face. He chuckles a bit.
Squad cars fly past his home. Disappointed, Daniel sets his
arms down.

Rain trickles down his unblinking eyes as he glares at the
fading police lights.

***What I need to know is why he's  planning on killing himself.

In the end:

>Propped against his couch, lies a Louiseville slugger, coated
with dry blood.

On the couch, a MAN and the woman in the picture lie in the
nude, slumped over. Lifeless.

Flies buzz around the corpses.

*Who is this man and woman? What is the connection? Might "in the picture" be
better worded as "from the picture"?

Very nice writing.

Sandra

Jean-Pierre,

I've been reading your scripts over at Moviepoet.   I still think you're an exceptionally talented screenwriter.  A cut above the rest.  And that's no bull.

Quoted from screenrider Jean-Pierre, I've been reading your scripts over at Moviepoet.   I still think you're an exceptionally talented screenwriter.  A cut above the rest.  And that's no bull.

I agree. This is the first time I've read one of Jean's scripts and I immediately took note of it. That immediate discernment a reader gets when they encounter some style.

Very nice indeed.

Sandra

Okay, How do I create those Neato boxes you guys are making? Oh.. maybe this quote button up here?  I'll experiment with that later...

SPOILER!

Anyway, @Jwent,  I just figure I wouldn't show that part of the living room if I was directing it.  I would only focus on Daniel and the table. The camera would be facing him and nothing else. Behind him will be a part of the living room where the couch isn't. I will definitely get on that slugline though. I don't want to confuse anyone.

@ Sandra - That picture thing is what got me massacred by everyone at moviepoet. No one understood who the woman was. I finally corrected it, but now you gave me another eye opener that I should have caught. Not "In" but "from" Ah... Thank you. :) And thank you so much for the compliments.

I do have another posted on here called "PIECES OF ME" if you want to read more of my work. It's another short and should be on the second page.

@ screenriders - You read my other screenplays after all?!  No!!! I can't even look you in the eyes anymore...  Haha! Naw, it's cool. I'm going to be posting the rewrites on those later, so look out. Thanks for the inspirational words, man.

@screenriders - did you even read Mean Green?

Haha...j/k, JP.

Hahahahaha!!!!  I know!! Hahaha!! I'm mad you called me out, though!  So funny... Just classic...

Quoted from Coding Herman @screenriders - did you even read Mean Green? Haha...j/k, JP.

Not yet, but the logline cracks me up.

@ screenrider. Please don't. Just to save any respect you have for me... Haha.