Trout by Taylor Allgood - Short, Comedy - A young man wakes up with a woman he has no recollection of and with a mysterious tattoo on his leg. 14 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Taylor,

You might want to upload as a PDF next time.  Most people don't like reading scripts in RTF or Word.  That might be why no responses yet.

Thanks for the tip, I'll re-upload in PDF

Hi Taylor, I concurred that you should re-upload it in PDF format to get more reads.

But anyhow, I opened it and gave you a read.

This is quite captivating and engaging at times, I tell you. The story flows very nicely. You got a very good and visual opening with the kid bumping into the car. And then everything afterward moves naturally with hints here and there throughout the script.

However, half of the script is just two talking heads over morning coffee. Although it's nice to get to know the two main characters, on-screen it wouldn't be so nice to watch people chatting. I would trim some of the static dialogue, such as: Hmm...., yeah, oh?, etc. Just tighten up and speeds things forward.

I was actually disappointed with the ending. You sure you finished your script? You got FADE IN: but no FADE OUT. So I wasn't sure if there's something missing. And I didn't get the punchline of Dareen's last dialogue.

I wish there's something more to the story. More things should be happening in 14 pages. You can go easily go on with the story with your ending.

On the good side, I really liked your writing style, albeit too many SOUNDs like CRASH, BANG, SLAM, etc. Keep them sparse. I noted some typos and repeated words.

Overall, I enjoyed it, but wish for an ending with more punch.

Another story about the perils of drinking and tattooing.  At least it kept me interested.

I'll have to try PDF myself sometime.

Drunken tattoos are always a bad idea.

Absolutely agree with the recommendation to upload a PDF.

It's a pleasure to read - very well written, I think, and kept me curious.

But I expected more of it. The end - I did not understand it fully - did she tattoo him without him knowing? if yes - it's kind of not of a big surprise.

You started with Stevey - I thought it would be about him.

I thought the mystery is around the book, I thought it was all about the book at the end, would like it more if it was.

I believe this is up twice, one as pdf the other as doc.

A prius, really?  Kinda a sissy car for someone on a random tattooed bender...
Reading further I guess that kinda makes sense.

Kinda hard to believe a chick covered in tattoos would be all impressed by one random phrase the guy wanted on his leg of all places.  But maybe shes just loose.

Pretty random spot for a first tattoo.  Would be a tad more believable on his back or something, and you could just have him notice it the same way when he sat in the car, then turning and using the rearview mirror.

A lot of this story rests on people having an understanding of who vonnegut/trout are.  I've read just about everything he's written, but if someone read/saw this who wasn't familiar with his stuff it would be pretty meaningless.

Not sure the big reveal with the tattoo is worth much.  You've already explained who trout is and kinda given it away, so actually seeing the tattoo doesn't add much.

All the bad aside, I thought the beginning was pretty excellent.  Maybe you got a tad further into the paperboy than necessary, but I liked it.  I just don't think the overall premise is all that interesting.

Anyways, good luck.

Hey guys, thanks for all the feedback, I really appreciate it.

As far as the criticisms go, I totally know what you guys mean. This was something I wrote in one night as a break from a feature-length script, and while there are moments I'm proud of (the beginning in particular) I agree that it needs more direction and a stronger ending. I kind of lost steam towards the end, and it shows.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, all very useful and welcome.

I thoroughly enjoyed your script. It was consistently captivating and interesting. In response to your comment, I thought the ending was quite strong. Not sure how it would work on film, but it works very well as a script.

While this scrpit was well written and had lots of interesting moments and great visuals, the end was a let down. I wanted more, or perhaps less, as it turns out. If it finished at the tattoo, the impact would have been far greater IMO. I didn't mind the talking heads part, although scripts should be visual and balanced, this was central to your story. it could be tightened and made sharper, sure, who's dialouge couldn't? I was slightly thrown by the far you opened on the kid, Stevey. I was sure this was the main character, then the connection was lost. Why not open with the Prius (which is far too cliche) on the street, Darren in bed and inter cut between Darren and Stevey? Might make the story more interesting and focus the readers attention on Darren, the main character as opposed to Stevey. Just my opinion. Good job though.