Kismet by Gary Rowlands (rolo) - Short, Supernatural Horror - When an arrogant psychic sees his own murder he decides to strike first and kill his would-be attacker... Or so he thinks! 6 pages - pdf, format 8)

Gary,

First, your logline gives the whole story away. There's no need to read it after we know that Fortune is going to murder Andreas. You've robbed us of uncovering a key piece of information and all but blown the twist.

SPOILERS

I feel that Fortune was way too over the top in several ways. First, he wouldn't have conducted a phone interview like that if he were who you said he was. Second, if he were so embroiled in controversy (seeking a million dollars before trying to find a child who was then murdered) he'd be ruined, and thus of no interest to that reporter.

Third, since it appears as if you want to make Fortune a genuine (of course most of these guys are charlatans), I need to tell you that most if not all persons with genuine psychic ability are tortured souls and not complete douches. (I know - my cousin's wife has a year-long waiting list for reads). Thus it would seem that Fortune has the personality of a pretender, yet he has genuine psychic ability - the two don't seem to mesh.

Also, the piece is tragic without exploration. You want us to see that Fortune gets what's coming to him, but along the way he takes a human life. Then he's in turn killed before we, the audience, share the consequences. Did he feel remorse? Does he have an epiphany before he himself is killed? The actions are devoid of emotion and serve to only bring the reader crash-bang to the twist ending.

I thought you did a nice job with the Andreas character, and that this idea, overall, had a lot of potential. I'm a sucker for the "you can't change your fate" story. I think this suffers though from a lack of execution in several areas (including the opening, expository dialogue).

What would I have like to have seen? Maybe Fortune is in a coffee shop and he's recognized, and gives the brush off to some fans. Establish him as a complete tool without the over-the-top millionaire giving an interview stuff.

Then maybe he's been a pretender his whole life, yet all of a sudden he has a real vision. A vision of his own death. And there's the irony - the first genuine sense he has is of his own demise.

Something like that. Best of luck with it.

Anthony

I enjoyed the story, particularly the ending.  Your writing, however, needs a bit of work.  You have to tighten things up in your descriptions. With a bit of work, you could make this a five page script.

Your opening:

Quoted Text An immaculately dressed man, JAKE FORTUNE, 33, handsome, confident and seriously materialistic gives an interview on speakerphone as he opens his mail with a razor sharp letter opener. On the feature wall behind him there are several expensively framed newspaper and magazine clippings of crimes ranging from murder to kidnap. They all have similar headlines such as “PSYCHIC SOLVES BRUTAL MURDER”.  “CLAIRVOYANT FOILS KIDNAP PLOT” etc.

could be condensed to:

Quoted Text JAKE FORTUNE (33) sits behind the desk of his lavish executive office.  He's immaculately dressed.  Not a hair out of place. On the wall behind him, dozens of framed newspaper clippings, each with headlines of crimes solved with the aid of a psychic.

Keep the descriptions as brief as possible.  People don't want to read long blocks of texts.


Phil

So I got a couple of different vibes from this.  I liked the character, though he was a jerk, but he reminds me a bit of Jake Gittes.  At the same time, the flash forwards and the nosebleeds remind me of LOST and Flash Forward, but I think you nicely cover for the nose bleeds with the fact that, that is what happens to Fortune when he gets a premonition.  

I think this happens all the time, and isn’t a big deal.  After all, there are only so many stories, but this is what came to my mind when reading.  I think you can still use all of this, maybe just find a way to camouflage it a bit.  Again, this is just me though.

Ha – just finished.  I liked the twist.  A few notes below.


P. 1

They all have similar headlines such as “PSYCHIC SOLVES BRUTAL MURDER”. “CLAIRVOYANT FOILS KIDNAP PLOT” etc.

I would stop at the sentence before this one.  Seems a bit superfluous.


P. 1

FEMALE JOURNALIST (V.O.)

I always get confused when you have someone on the phone whether it is (V.O) or (O.S.) – not sure.  I just went with (O.S.) on something I just submitted – either you’re right or I’m wrong.  Haha.

P. 2

FORTUNE
First off, what I do is NOT a “gift”. Santa didn’t crawl down the chimney one Christmas Eve and just leave it under the tree for me... What I have is an ability. A special skill. A unique insight...

I liked this line.

P. 2

Let me quash that rumor right now. First. Charlotte wasn’t a baby. She was almost three for chris’sakes... Second, I asked for a million dollars.

Ha – what a dick.

P. 4

The wall clock WINDS forward several hours to 5:00 P.M.

PDF looks like there is an extra space.

Craig

Quoted from Craiger6 I always get confused when you have someone on the phone whether it is (V.O) or (O.S.) – not sure.  I just went with (O.S.) on something I just submitted – either you’re right or I’m wrong.  Haha

For the record, it's (V.O.).

Enjoy!


Phil

Er. Oh ballcocks. The fecking sock is right again. Frankly, Earnest, he usually is.

The idea of it is great.

I think that your first two pages could (and should) be greatly shortened since the only purpose they serve is to show how arrogant he is. Especially since it's only a six page script.. maybe you could cut on the phone dialog here and there... Then the focus shifts in the right direction - I got a little confused at first - though it was going to be about him and the reporter.

And then I read the logline again... Again it's a very good idea for a script, I think.

And I think it's very smart to name him Fortune.

I liked the premise (not the logline since it tells us the ending) very much. The setup was great as Fortune was quickly thrown into a dilemma. But the ending didn't do the setup justice, more like a deus ex machina.

First, I think having the lady interviewer present in the room would make it more interesting. Instead of having Fortune getting angry and yelling at the speakerphone, he would be getting mad at a real person.

I thought Fortune "screws up the bill and tosses it to the waste basket" would make some significance later on, but it did not. I think you wanna show us that Fortune is just a money-pincher he won't even bothered by a bill. But I can't see a normal person doing that, especially for a millionaire who can pay it off with a snap of his finger. Anyway, this is just a small thing.

Now, Fortune's action into killing the Man doesn't sound too real.....yet. I think Fortune needs to be more desperate in order for him to commit murder. Com'on, it's murder, he'll lose everything. A more understandable action would be waiting for the Man to see what he's really up to. But then the ending wouldn't work if that happened.

And then you threw in the twin brother and the son's name is actually Andrea Jr. This left me with a bad taste because it just came out of the blue. The Man's last dialogue is very very on-the-nose as well.

Overall, I did like the story and how it moves along, but the ending can be fixed and be more reasonable with it.

Thanks.

Big thanks to everyone for taking the time to read Kismet and offer suggestions. Much appreciated!
cheers
rolo

Hello,

I enjoyed this short.  The ending was pleasing to read.  I was wondering why Fortune would stab a man for no apparent reason, and then the ending reveal all.

You're missing a full stop after haggle pg3.

Apart from making it tighter as mentioned earlier, I found the story enjoyable.

All the best,


Javier

This had a great twist at the end. But I don't understand how this Psychic made a fortune on future visions that aren't all that accurate.  Still a very good little story at just the right length.

Lots of helpful comments. Thanks! To answer a few points. 'Kismet' is set in an office rather than a coffee shop, say, to keep filming costs down (no extras) should it ever get made. Hence, also the reason why the female journalist is V.O. and not in the room (fewer actors).

The setup is perhaps a little long but sets up Fortune's character and foreshadows the 'razor sharp letter opener' etc. Though it could probably be cut more.

Unlike most psychics in films whom tend to be 'tortured' Fortune goes against cliche and not only actually embraces his gifts, demands to be rewarded for them.

The ending is perhaps a bit of a cheat. but there are roughly 10 million identical twins in the world so they are not as rare as people think! From the moment we learn that he allowed a baby to be killed because he wanted a bigger fee, I wanted people to want him to die (I know I did!).

When Fortune has a premonition of his own death he decides to kill his attacker as soon as he appears rather than wait to see what happens because he is 'never wrong' and knows he is going to die at this guy's hands unless he acts first - hence the reason he does not think of the consequences of his actions. His life is on the line and he knows it!

Despite his actions he still dies at the hands of the 'exact' same man as foretold in his vision. An irony not lost on Fortune. Even in death he is never wrong!

Jake Fortune is an apt name.  Jake meaning a variation of Jacob or supplanter.  And fortune meaning destiny.  Jake trying to replace his destiny, only to fail.  His destiny was fulfilled by somene who could literally replace the murdered man.  Works on two levels.  Were you aware of this?

Ending should have been predictable to me in hindsight.  The only thing I would have changed was have Andreas arrive the next day, and Jake confesses in shock to having "killed him."  The clock was broken during the murder, so it records "the time of Jake's death" no matter what the hour.

Or maybe Jake's watch is used instead of the clock.  The watch could represent Jake being bound to time.  And Jake decides to have it fixed.  It still registers 5:15 at the jeweler's store when Andreas kills Jake.

Actually, a watch wound be the better time instrument.  A man of Jake's supposed stature would wear an expensive watch.  Just a suggestion.

Good touch on having the female journalist on the phone and only one set.  A production assistant can play the journalist instead of an actress.  Actors with speaking parts get more money according to Pop-Up Video when they high-lighted Bruce Springstein's video, "I'm on Fire."