Sectioned by Gary Rowlands (rolo) - Short, Horror - A vulnerable young mother must overcome a deranged midwife hellbent on her destruction if she is to set eyes on her newborn baby. 16 pages - pdf, format 8)

Nice, sick little story you have here. Not without fault though. Your curt response to the other short you have posted leads me to believe you're not going to be a very active member of these boards. Pitty.

James

Hey Gary, gave this one a read and it's actually pretty good. I liked it. A full story.

The story is intense and it's paced well. At first I thought Susan was a bitch and you managed to let us rooting for her, good job.

There is a moment when the Nurse's behavior just changed. She was explaining to Susan about her husband and she was very kind and emotional. And then the next instance the Nurse became such a sick person. I think you missed some transitions there. Try to add a little hint beforehand that the Nurse can actually do what she did.

The rest of the story is very tight. A lot of things happened and you kept the energy rolling. I liked it.

After Susan changed into the Nurse uniform, how did she get out of the Private Room? I thought it's locked?

Anyway, I enjoyed this very much. Thanks.

Thanks for the read guys! Coding Herman to answer your questions. The keys are in the pocket of the nurse's uniform! Though I don't mention them in the script, so good point!

The nurse at first actually likes Susan! (or at least feels sorry for her). The trigger for her subsequent actions is when she discovers that Susan knew that the baby's father was married with kids. This is what sets the nurse off as it reminds her of her own situation - she lost her husband and kids to someone just like Susan!

Gary, you really have to read other people's scripts to get more reads. This script is actually nice and twisted. It's a pity not too many people will read it.

How come restraints are mentioned if they're not used?

And wouldn't the Asian "doctor" know the nurse by now?

There were a few typos and small formatting errors, but those are not the problems I have with this story.  The first complaint I have is that the story is simply unbelievable.  I tried my best to go along with it, but I couldn't.  No human being could have their stomach ripped open by a broken botle and then be in any condition to fight someone.

I found the dialogue too "on the nose", and I grew tired of the characters constantly giving too much information.  I know you're trying to explain backstory, but it didn't work for me.

The villains were cardboard cutouts.  Keep in mind that even villains have feelings, thoughts, and reasons for doing what they do.  You did that a little with the nurse, but not with Carlisle.

Gary, gave this a read.

AS others have noted, it is quite a sick and twisted little tale you've told here.  I just wish it was well written, was somewhat believable, , and made sense.

Many, many mistakes throughout.  Typos, misspellings, missing commas, poor grammar, "we see", "we hear", lack of visuals in description prose, orphans everywhere, and many other issues.  For instance, on page 1, you intro 1 of your main characters as "NURSE Fredericks" - Why CAP NURSE, but not Fredericks?  And why do you keep calling her Nurse Fredericks in both dialogue boxes and description prose?  Waste of an extra word every time...just call her "Fredericks"., like you did every now and then...but you have to be 100% consistent.

Biggest issue for me is that nothing seems realistic or believable.  It's like you slapped this together without really thinking about it.  So many holes everywhere.

I think your idea here is good, although done to death in the last 5 years or so.  I think you could still make this your own with some more thought and attention to detail.  I wouldn't really add pages to it, but you need to tell more backstory, so we care about Susan...and hate Fredericks and Carlisle.

Good, sick visual of Tom licking the baby's face.  What a fucker!

Also liked Imran.  These are well done moments, but the rest of the script pails in comparison.

So, IMO, you've got some positives here, but lots of negatives as well.  Give it the time it deserves, edit it, reread it again and again, make it shine.

Best of luck with it.

Hey Gary,

I think this piece definetly had it's moments, but like the others have mentioned, there are both hits and misses.

I liked the Nurse Fredricks character.  I thought you brought her along nicely though, as Herman mentions, I thought her transition was a bit abrupt.  That said, I think she is your most dynamic character.  That may be part of the problem.  Sure, everyone loves a good villain, but I think you need to develop Susan a bit more.  In the end, obviously I was rooting for her, but she was not the most sympathetic of characters when all was said and done.  Why not make her some naive girl, who got knocked up by some married guy, but she had no idea?  A little cliche perhaps, but I think it would endear her to the reader a bit more.

I also had an issue with Imran coming in to do the lobotomy on Nurse F.  Wouldn't he recognize her from his previous visits?  I don't mind straining reality when reading/watching a movie, but I think this may be too much, and I think you need to find a way to adress this.

All in all, like I said, definetly some good points here, but I think it needs to be tightened a bit.  A little less exposition, and more exploration of the characters, and their respective motives.  That said, I like the idea of this little black market "hospital".  Definetly something you can grow on.

Also, as Dreamscale said, that bit with Tom was uber creepy.

Anyway, best of luck.

Craig

Good concept.