Pink is the New Black! by Martin Cox - Short, Drama - Tim and his friends are gay and happy to be so. It's the homophobic bigotry they can't stand. 11 pages - pdf, format 8)

The logline really didn't do anything for me.  What drew me to the script was that it was a script about homophobia was written by a guy named Cox.

A-a-a-a-a-anyway...


SPOILER SPACE, KINDA

At first I thought all the characters were too cliche and two-dimensional.  Toward the end of the story, I understood why you wrote Tim and Geoff that way. That still leaves the good ol' boys; they need to be better written than this.

The mine shaft was something out of plot device theater.  While I can understand Tim and the redneck running through the dark and falling into it, how did Geoff find it? More importantly, why didn't Tim just kill him off after they fell in, together.  What was the point of the conversation.

END OF SPOILER SPACE, KINDA

I think that, with a little work, you could really improve the script. With a little more work, it could be turned into a feature.  The story is sound enough.


Sorry about the joke about your name.


Phil

You start a new paragraph with "dressed..." Who are you talking about? Connect the dressed with the characters...meaning same paragraph. Put the dressed with the character.

The next paragraph is "They watch..." Who watches? Who is watching who? Just say so. Don't be so cryptic as to not be able to convey what is going on. This is action, not a novel. You are telling a specific actor what they are supposed to be doing.

Throws the bottles across the bar... what?

What's an RTA?

Are the three bullies the other guys from the bar? While it becomes clear, it reads  like you've read some scripts that contain cryptic writing...abbreviated sentences that are supposed to convey punch, coolness, all that jazz. What you've done is try to copy a style without including pertinent information. Just say the names of the three good old boys. Are they the three good old boys? Are they the three rednecks? Are they the three bullies? Just who are we talking about? Yeah, yeah, I know who you are talking about, but you can be much clearer without trying to make a point with words I'm never going to see subtitled on the screen (arrow above guy's head saying "bully'). Don't forget the three aggressors? You are way too in my face with making these thugs (oops) thugs. They are who they are by what they do, not who you say they are.

Who chases after Tim?

I get the reverse here. Interesting enemy mine type deal in the bottom of the pit as a misdirect. However I was looking for Tim being the bigger guy type ending. And there is an issue with falling into the mine shaft. It had to be an accident, no? So Tim could have been hurt, too. An accident for both? Tim with his intentions, Jake with his, both forced to find a common bond in this mess. It's only after the fact that we find out this kind of thing was planned, so it really takes the steam out of it morally.

So in the end, Tim is no better, that's what you're saying.

My first impression: why did you choose that ending? Now our protagonist has no redeeming value whatsoever. I know Jake was trying to kill Tim, but Jake was hurt badly! Putting salt on the wound takes out all of sympathy we have left for Tim.

You have a lot of characters. The only ones that I can remember are Tim, Jake, and Geoff. Basically, you just need four characters, those three plus one of Jake's accomplice, in the story. Those three characters at the end can be nameless or else you're telling us they are important to the story.

The first two pages in the bar can be tightened up. All you need to tell us is Tim and Geoff are gay, and Jake and his friends don't like them. Get rid of getting a beer from the bartender, Tim and Geoff doing unnecessary small talk and the peeing.

Writing-wise, you have a lot of passive verbiage. They really slow down the read. Too much detail on the character's clothings as well.

This story actually flows quite well, but the ending just left my with a bad taste.

Herman

Hey Phil.

Thanks for the read. Also, thanks for the comments and no offense taken about my name. (comes with the territory).
Geoff and the others were conducting a sweep search of the area and heard Tim call out. Simple as that really.
The conversation was meant to be a blind for the reader and nothing else. Jake was still being an A***hole while Tim feigned compassion, knowing all along he would kill Jake. Prolonging his agony.
All that being said I am very pleased with your final comment.  Best, Em.

Hi Clorox.
I love critiques like this. Makes me want to do better....much better. Thanks for the read and your comments. I'll take them all on board and improve.
RTA is an abbreviation for Road Traffic Accident, and I was just trying to show that both sides of this encounter were as morally bankrupt as the other. Best, Em

Hi Herman. Once again thanks for the read and comments. Actually I'm quite pleased that this story left you with a bad taste as that was what I wanted to achieve.
Maybe it's wrong. Not sure as I'm still learning.  Best, Em.

Very distubring.  Doesn't seem like there are any redeeming characters here.  What a pity.

Hey Richcraft.

Thanks so much for the read.

Disturbing? Yes, I agree. That's exactly what I thought when this story popped into my head. Disturbing and provocative. It had me questioning my own values as to whether Tim and his friends were in any way justified in their actions.

Obviously no one condones murder, but we have all read stories about abusers being killed by the abused, who effectively turns into an even bigger monster.

Sometimes we seem to have a level of understanding for their actions, even a sense of pity for their suffering.

I guess the jury's still out on that one and I can only leave it up to the individual reader to decide.

So once more, many thanks and I'll try to find some of yours to read.

Best.

Martin.
  

Well, I tend to root for the good guys.

Like most of us.

Maybe I thought I was pushing the envelope and ended up busting the mailbox.

Nevertheless your comments are always welcome.

Best.

Martin.

Martin,

Dunno how I let this one slip past. As been said, fan of your work. Gotta say though, this one didn't work for me.

Your grasp of the dialogue was good. My problem was I really couldn't cheer for these guys. They're obviously out instigating by playing grabass in a redneck bar.

Would've liked it better if a coupla gay guys broke down in front of one and had to go into it. Then get the better of these hilljacks after being pushed into a corner.

My mom's from West Virginia. Explains my bad spelling. Eventhough you're right about these guys being prejudice, I have to tell ya, They beat the fucking shit out of each other growing up.

Hard to belive some gay gays with chiselled abs could walk into one of these bars and make such short work of the patrons lest they're former Navy Seals. Riding the elliptical for 90 minutes a day does not make you a bad ass.

It was just too surreal for me. I wanted to cheer for them, you just didn't give me a good enough reason.

James

Hey James.

Thanks for the read.

You know I always really value your comments and take them on board.

I truly did play with Tim telling Jake that he was a Navy Seal but threw it out as being too glib.

Anyway, sorry it didn't work for you this time, but you always find something positive to say, so thanks for that.

This is a journey of learning and boy.....am I learning!!!

Best of luck.

Martin.

Hey Martin,

Saw this one in your banner and figured I�d give it a read.  

I think this could probably use a little editing as I think you dropped a few commas, but I believe this is one of your earlier efforts, so I won�t belabor the point.  Plus, you may have made some edits since this was posted.  

I haven�t read the other comments, but will do so after this post.  Apologies if I am repeating anything.

All in all, I enjoyed this.  It went a totally different direction than I thought (see the �real-time� notes I was taking as reading below).  There were a couple of things I might have done differently, but I thought this was another good effort.

That said, I think I would have liked to see you tackle this same issue but in a different setting.  We know good ole� boys have a problem with homosexuals, but so do others.  Even those we wouldn�t necessarily expect.  (I wrote this before I finished reading.  While it came around for me in the end, I still think this point holds some water.  I kind of felt it was going to be clich�and it ended up being anything but.  However, I still think I�d like to see this set maybe in a more neutral setting.  How bout some �pseudo-liberals� at some cocktail party, who claim to be open-minded, but in reality, are just as bigoted as these good ole� boys).

Why does Geoff run off?  (Paid off in the end, ignore.)

INT. MINESHAFT - MOMENTS LATER

Great twist here.  I think I might know where you are going, but I like it (Yeah, ended up being totally wrong.  Haha).  Upped the ante and put the two polar opposites in an enclosed space.

�Just proud to be American man. Proud.�

Ehh.  This is kind of why I�d like to see you put this in a different setting.  I think it�s too easy to use the old good ole� boy routine.  Sure, there are plenty of Southerners who are homophobes, but so are many who you would never suspect of holding such antiquated POV�s.  Point is, I think you should re-visit this and take it to another level.  Go against type.  

�The boulder falls into the shaft and we hear a bone-crunching sound as Jake is crushed. Tim peers down the hole, satisfied."

Ha, okay, didn�t go where I thought!  Kudos.

Anyway, I liked this.  It definitely didn�t go where I thought it would.  I�d just like to see it go a bit against type and it would work that much more for me.  Anyway, hope this helps, and good luck.

Craig

P.S. Just read through the comments, and for what it's worth, I didn't give a rat's ass that they ended up killing the guy.  I mean, what's good for the goose..., right?  Okay, in real life, I would feel differently, but this is a screenplay.  Not always going to be roses and rainbows.  As I said, I'd like to see you take this against type, and I think the ending did that.  Hope I don't sound like a horrible person, haha.  Hope that helps.

Hey Craig.

Thanks for the read and your comments are always intelligent and most welcome.

As for the comma's, well I'm always dropping something....usually a big bo**ock!

You've really got me thinking now. Yeah, I probably went for the stereotypical homophobe but it would be much smarter and more slick to place the story against an upper middle class setting. Yeah, you've got me creatives runnin'.

Thanks for the comment on the ending. As I think I commented above, no one can condone such action but it's only a screenplay, right?

Once more, thanks mate. It's a great help.

Very best regards.

Martin