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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Comedy Scripts  /  Push My Mind
Posted by: Don, June 8th, 2010, 8:48pm
Push My Mind by Luis Dazara -  - Zack is a screenwriter and has a completely blocked mental that makes him lose his luxury life. So lost and with no money, asks help to his friend Matthew, a very religious storekeeper, who let him sleep in the store and along with his singular family convince to Zack to go to therapy.  Zack accepts to go and there he meets with his muse, Mary, his old neighbor that drives him crazy and works as a secretary there. During the session he finds the way of recover his inspiration, listen to the conversations that Anne, the psychologist, has with her patients while he is hide in the bathroom; for that he blackmails Anne since he finds out a secret life that she hides.  Anne accepts without another option to cover her secrets but she soon or later confront her family and deal with it.  Zack starts to listen and after a few patients until he finds a perfect story but he gets involve with them to research more and it won’t be easy to safe of all them, specially when all are relative some how or until finds out what is what he really needs. 116 pages - pdf, format 8)

Posted by: soskpritt (Guest), August 9th, 2010, 7:55pm; Reply: 1
You need to rewrite this. It needs too flow more. Try to write each scene visually and without Dialogue, until the scene is fully descriptive.  Get your descriptions down to no more than 4 sentences. Your characters also sound alike.

- You have misspelled words. Please Number your pages so we can help you find mistakes easier.

- You start scenes with direction rather than a setting description. This is wrong.

- Don't use "Continue" in a "Spec" script that is incorrect form.

- Don't name the "song" or "artist", rather what type of music "describe" the song or the "type" of Music.

- it's OK to use adjectives when describing a person (just don't use adjectives or metaphors when describing a room). You may also want to "show" "How" they are sitting or "How" they are walking. giving the audience an Idea of where or what they just done.

- The Flashback is used incorrectly. I feel you need to bring the audience "In" another way. Try not to use voice over without setting up the scene first.

- Sit in a public place and listen to how people speak, write down their conversations. CAUTION: Don't sit and stare at them, just listen and write. You may want to write down, Parts of conversations that you don't have planned out with, "ON The NOSE" thoughts at first and then rewrite them:

i.e.                           MAX
                        I'm really angry right now.

                              SARAH
                        What are you angry about?

Keep in mind that in film no one ever agrees with anyone, This keeps the character in conflict. Conflict moves the Characters forward.

Keep the page like that (as above) until you know what you want to put there, in your rewrite.

So this is everything I've found in just the first 15 pages.That's all for now. Keep writing.
        
Posted by: coldbug, August 11th, 2010, 12:16pm; Reply: 2
Sorry to say this, but just after looking at your logline, it made me not want to read the script.  

LOGLINE= LOG LINE  not LOGPARAGRAPH.  Very unprofessional.

99.9% of the agents and producers will read the logline first before they read anything, and with this logline, you won't get anywhere.

Change it...make it shorter...please try to keep no more than 2 sentences.  I understand it is one of the nightmares the writers face since you have to write the entire story in one sentence, but you MUST put an effort.

After changing the logline, resubmit it, and i'll open the file to read the first few pages.

Good Luck!
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