Diplomat by David Rugely - Thriller - While investigating the disappearance of a close friend, Jennifer Lake accepts a job as a junior diplomat and gets more than she bargained for as she's thrown into the rough-and-tumble world of Intelligence and Counter-Intelligence. 90 pages - pdf, format 8)

i liked the logline so i gave it a try.
the page with fade in is your first page, so page 1 and thus should have 1 on top right corner. however 2 is shown.
few grammatical errors, pg 3 "She’s was a Marine" "She study hard?" or maybe u wanted to emphasize a special jargon but it comes out wrong. u might wanna find a way to establish from the get go that they have a specidic talk.
the info u give through dialog seems also a lil bit too under the nose. maybe if you showed her dealing with the weapons from the beginning with a small scene where she is introduced by name and then we dive into that conversation and you add more element to her training through dialog, it wouldn t feel that obvious that you re trying to feed us info.
also get rid of transitions, and the extra sluglines. shorten them.
p7 Their faces are not shown. find an other way to show us that we can t discern their faces
The female math instructor becomes math instructor in the dialogue. she is either female or not.
p8 The students opens their books and take notes. typo
p9 Oh my god... typo
why is it that sometimes you feel the need to show us that the character is caucasian. if it is specific to character(african american, asian, indian, pakistani, )ok go with it, but if character is caucasian and you specify it for one but not for the other its confusing. eg what is Nicky?what is the female police officer? the math instructor? but on p 9 u specify  professor harry as caucasian(p11), so unless it has a meaningful impact somewhere down the line you should specify for all, or not at all unless as stated it serves a definite purpose like with Jennifer. we anticipate most characters to be caucasian(hollywood serves it all day long at a theater near you).we already visualize them caucasian unless u modify our thinking (like with Jennifer) but when u throw in randomly a caucasian, we are taken out of the story.
p11 Femme Fatal. typo
i stopped there, but your story got me intrigued even with the small mistakes that can easily be fixed.
cheers

Quoted from soulforvee i liked the logline so i gave it a try. the page with fade in is your first page, so page 1 and thus should have 1 on top right corner. however 2 is shown. few grammatical errors, pg 3 "She’s was a Marine" "She study hard?" or maybe u wanted to emphasize a special jargon but it comes out wrong. u might wanna find a way to establish from the get go that they have a specidic talk. the info u give through dialog seems also a lil bit too under the nose. maybe if you showed her dealing with the weapons from the beginning with a small scene where she is introduced by name and then we dive into that conversation and you add more element to her training through dialog, it wouldn t feel that obvious that you re trying to feed us info. also get rid of transitions, and the extra sluglines. shorten them. p7 Their faces are not shown. find an other way to show us that we can t discern their faces The female math instructor becomes math instructor in the dialogue. she is either female or not. p8 The students opens their books and take notes. typo p9 Oh my god... typo why is it that sometimes you feel the need to show us that the character is caucasian. if it is specific to character(african american, asian, indian, pakistani, )ok go with it, but if character is caucasian and you specify it for one but not for the other its confusing. eg what is Nicky?what is the female police officer? the math instructor? but on p 9 u specify  professor harry as caucasian(p11), so unless it has a meaningful impact somewhere down the line you should specify for all, or not at all unless as stated it serves a definite purpose like with Jennifer. we anticipate most characters to be caucasian(hollywood serves it all day long at a theater near you).we already visualize them caucasian unless u modify our thinking (like with Jennifer) but when u throw in randomly a caucasian, we are taken out of the story. p11 Femme Fatal. typo i stopped there, but your story got me intrigued even with the small mistakes that can easily be fixed. cheers

I had trouble with this script. First problem was lack of a teaser to set up the crime/thriller. Then you go to the quietest police station that I have ever seen. It starts in  a quiet room with just Jennifer and Officer Neil?  I've never been to a quiet police station. Always very active.

I don't get much sense of her story or  Jennifer's character besides black and gorgeous. Does she have a relationship with Nicky? Is she a techie or student?  Perhaps if you establish the Jennifer character in school and her job and then establish Nicky's relationship with Jennifer besides missing.   Inciting incident is finding Nicky is missing. She finds Officer Neil and gets him involved with case.

The biggest problem is Jennifer finds three coffins filled with weapons washed up on a beach? Not beleivable at all. Too convenient. Too easy.   Who is villain?   Officer Neil, another blank character.  Who is he besides white police officer.     Story needs work.  

Lew, you understand this was written over 5 years ago and the author never once stepped in?

You can read and comment on anything you want, but this is going to be falling on deaf ears.

Get involved in current scripts from writers who are around.  Throw up some of yuor own work. It's a Quid Pro Quo world here.

Welcome aboard!!

Ya, I don't get why you would go back that far to bump, unless it was self-beneficial. But then again, you never know if you find something earlier missed, I suppose.