Jilted Wives on the Potomac by Max Alexander Malloy  - Drama - Sex-starved politicians’ wives seek love affairs with the common man. 81 pages - doc, format 8)

Hey Max,

Sorry, only got thru the first 3 pages, which is a shame because I loved the synopsis. It reminded me of those trashy films with Joan Collins...the Stud etc. Not sure if that's what you were trying to recreate, but I thought 'hey, great idea' We haven't had any of that real trashy soft-core sex stuff for years, have we? (I might be wrong here and those movies are still being produced and they've just passed me by) Anyway, so great start, because I'm sure there's still loads of books being sold on that basis.

A couple of upfront problems...you talk about Sally being the wife of dashing US senator. Ok, so how are you 'showing' us that on the screen? It's not in the dialogue, there's nothign in the action that describes it, so how will the audience know this woman is the wife of a dashing US Senator. Interestingly, you don't even need to say it at this point, because you bring it out in the dialogue later.

However, my real problem is with your dialogue which stopped me reading after 3 pages.

Please read the following (which is an extract directly copied) and read it out loud. I'm positive as soon as you do you'll understand what I'm getting at...

TIM
Carl, just observe the luscious bodies on these miserable women.  I think they’re being deprived of sex. And you know, Carl, they’re very naďve about their philandering husbands.
                           CARL
Yes, Carl, I was thinking the same thing.
                            TIM
And you know, Tim, these beautiful babes are missing out on the best days of there lives; just look at them; their luscious bodies are well preserved and I know they’re just waiting to be fucked.
Carl and Tim resume drinking their whiskey.
CARL
You know, Tim, I think we can engineer a clever system whereas we each can have a harem of beautiful, foxy, sex-starved Potomac Wives all to ourselves.
Tim and Carl smiling in accord raise tap their glasses and sip.
TIM
Well Carl you invited me to the sheep’s barn; do you know all of these sheep?
Carl points at the women sitting on the sofa. Tim smiles broadly.
CARL
Yes, I do and I have the incriminating scoop on their cheating husbands. And Tim, my first victim will be SALLY LONG; she’s the tall redhead sitting on the end of the sofa; she’s married to Senator TOM LONG.

So in each of the five snatches of speech, the person refers to the other person by name in the dialogue. No. That just doesn't happen in real life. The only time anyone says the word 'Paul' to me, is if they're telling me off, trying make a real point, or talking about another guy called Paul. It really doesn't happen.

It doesn't help that you've got Carl talking to Tim and calling him Carl and vice versa. Those types of error are too basic and just puts off the reader.

And lastly, in the Carl's dialogue you say Sally's a tall redhead. Yep, she sounds wonderful. But when you described her earlier you said she was blonde.

Max, I like your concept, but you need to work harder on the execution (in my very humble opinion of course)

I really hope you find this constructive.

Thornton

I think it's safe to sat this is the greatest screenplay ever written.

The dialogue is amazng, but this one bit stood out.

CARL
Well Sadie, your husband is in jail awaiting his sentence for manslaughter and I recently lost my lover, your friend, Sally. But as I observed you from across the room, I really admired the way you look tonight. Thus, I am interested and I think you and I can become an item. What do you think?

If that don't get the ladies to drop their pants, nothing will!

Ha!  That is truly hilarious!

I may have to read this one.  Some classic dialogue, I can see already.

I thought I had commented on this script.  It's one Max Malloy's, a very narrow-minded man from the Bronx.  He thinks all white men are either corrupt cops or politicians, all white women are unhappy scotch drinkers with Mandingo dreams, and all black men are irresistable.

I recommend that everyone read atleast one or two of his scripts to learn how not to write scripts.


Phil