Transmission by Nicholas Carlton - Short, Thriller - A man trapped in a nuclear bunker in a post-apocalyptic world attempts to locate his son. 9 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi Nicholas, don't recognise your name so I'm not going to go into too much detail here.

This was okay, but not massively original. I knew pretty much exactly what was going to happen, and you didn't really make any attempt to step off the beaten path at any point. Things unfolded exactly as I expected them to.


Nevertheless, I think you've got a decent grasp of story, character, stuff like that. Your formatting could do with some work. For starters, try breaking your paragraphs up. No block of action should be over four lines long - that's not an unbreakable rule, but it's a really good one to bear in mind and try to obey. Big chunks of action are off-putting to a reader, particularly if you open with one as you have done here. There were also moments when you underlined action. It's not something I've really seen done, and think you should look to alternatives - use of capitalisation to highlight important details or moments, for instance.

SPOILERS

A quick thought about the ending, and something that I think could at least give you a little extra twist. I hate endings where someone kills themselves and they walk straight into a happy afterlife, so my suggestion is this: have him shoot himself O.S. right after he finishes talking into the microphone, a BANG over the static, and then, a second later, have a voice come from the radio: "Hello? Is somebody there?"

Now THAT'S sad. :)

To finish, you seem like a decent enough writer, but this just lacks anything to really make it stand out. Anyway, good luck with your writing, and remember to return reads!

I would have to echo what jonny said.  While the writing itself is okay, we've seen this story before many times.  I didn't quite get what caused the apocalypse.  I understand Jonah was a scientist and all, but on page 7 you say he helped invent a Nano bomb and then you say later it was a nuclear war.  I'm not sure what nanotechnology has to do with nuclear war.

I was hoping for a lot more with the ending.  I thought, with the radio, you were setting us up for a great twist at the end.  Didn't happen.   This wasn't bad, it just didn't bring anything new to the table.  I think this could benefit from a few rewrites.

I think the "story" is alright, reminds me of the intro of I Am Legend where Will Smith was doing things at home with his dog.

But there isn't much happening in the story, it's just Jonah doing his own routines everyday. The first three pages already showed enough of those, so the rest of the script dragged and felt repetitive. You need to turn the story in another direction. The death of the hamster must be pushed up sooner.

The ending is just like any other endings in an apocalypse story. I mean it's okay, it just felt very used and predictable.

Writing, on the other hand, is good. But please cut out the "CUT TO:", "CONTINUED", and don't underline. Just capitalize the sound or the object of significance.

Herman

This was kind of like a cross between I Am Legend and Frequency.  Nothing too new here as post-apocolyptic stories usually end up in the same way.  Really what is there to live for?

I did feel Jonah's remorse and the little things he came to depend on to keep his spirits up.  But I knew that Sam would die and start another kind of nuclear war with Jonah going off the deep end.  If only scientists would think of the consequences before they begin their projects.

Nice little cautionary tale in any case.

Predictible story indeed. a few formatting issues, but it is fairly obvious that you can write. wish i was surprised a bit more

There were a few things I liked about the short. I liked the isolation bit, the pet hamster. Death od the hamster (named after the dead son). But I'm also going to echo what the others have said.
I would much rather have a slightly bigger short script. There are news clippings. and photos. I would not have any problem with a quick, ghost like past memory. I would not have a problem with home movies if Jonah had them.

I do have a problem with him taking his own life and meeting his dead son in the wasteland. No, it's that that we don't see Sam II The Hamster spirit hanging around. It's the mere idea that the spirits re-unite in a nuclear wasteland.. Think about it. Why there? Why not in a tropical paradise? Or in front of golden gates? Spiritual place? Metaphysical place? Nope. In a nuclear wasteland..   >:( I guess then, hell (on earth) is the ticket punched?

I agree  the CUT TOs are way too many. I also want to point out  p5 where you have this:

Quoted Text JONAH This is bunker 14. Bunker 14. Is anyone out there? JONAH (V.O) I spend my days talking to an empty box hoping someone hears me. Nobody ever responds. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to talk to me. JONAH Hello? Are there any survivors? If there’s anyone out there- please... Please. Sam?

The problem with this isn't that it is the same character with no action between the character headers to break it up so it doesn't look odd, even though that's how it looks and reads at a first glace. The real problem is that most of it isn't needed. The Voice Over is making a comment on action we are already seeing AND hearing.  You have three options. They look like this:

#1:

Quoted Text JONAH This is bunker 14. Bunker 14. Is anyone out there? (beat) Hello? Are there any survivors? If there’s anyone out there- please... Please. Sam?

#2

Quoted Text JONAH (V.O) I spend my days talking to an empty box hoping someone hears me. Nobody ever responds. I don’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to talk to me.

#2 works by itself because we see Jonah at his radio station. Option #3, of course, is for Jonah to shut up and let the visuals do the talking. Let's say you kept one CUT TO. Only one.
As soon as Jonah flicks the switch to talk...


EXT. NUCLEAR WASTELAND - DAY

Skulls in the sand. An ant on a hill.
No sound other than wind.

INT. BUNKER - DAY

Empty coffee cup. Jonah stares at the useless technology before him. Averts his eyes to Hamster Sam, who stares back in a curious inquiry.


See what I mean?

Keep writing, but watch the ings in the grammar and that line count.
-DjS

Nicholas,

It's clear you have some writing skills and sense of storytelling.
However, there's little going on here to maintain interest.
The routines are cool for a few pages, but then what?
There's no real action/movement or sense of discovery in the story.
The 5+ lines of description blocks feel like I'm reading a novel.
You definitely have some skills, now find a story to match those skills.
Good luck with your writing.

Regards,
E.D.

Nicholas

I hate to sound lazy and just say that I eighth what everyone else has said...but I do. It’s not very original and rather predictable, the conclusion can be forecasted well ahead of time. While the format isn't far off, the pros does need some reining in, tightening up, shortening, etc as suggested above.

However, like others have also said, I can see some talent here. You got a good grasp of structure and pacing (at least for a short script) as well as developing strong characters. I liked the crossword part and the reveal of Jonah's involvement in the "accident" which has caused such a hopeless existence.

Decent effort, keep at it.

Col.

Bloody awful!
Don't listen to these fools!
They don't know jack shit.
Now, let me give you some constructive feedback.
How big was the bunker? He didn't budge for nine years. Now, all he ate was bake beans. For nine years, assuming he ate one tin a day, he would of had to stock up on 3285 cans. Lot of storage being used up. Not only that but where does he dispose of his rubbish?
Hamsters only live to 2 - 4 years.
His V.O was poor. Some of the stuff he said was just bland and unorginal. Why would a miserable fart like him keep himself alive for nine years whne he despises his own company.
Water. Where did he gather the resources and how? Nine whole years.
Power. Lot's of fuel for nine years and why waste some of the holy power on hand activation.
His armory. Not very impressive with just storing two farty arsed weapons.
Johan was extremely unlikeable. Stop bitching and get your ass out on the wastelands to find his son he supposedly loves so much.
I can't imagine what the first three drafts were like.
Keep trying.

Charming man

For a name like Charming Man, you're not very charming at all I have to say.

Is your real name troll by any chance?

Sorry, I haven't read the script, the author never replied to comments over a year ago so why would he now.

Steve