Stumbled across this today, as the 2010 winners have been announced.  I did not enter.

Pretty funny stuff, but I might have read worse here....

Quoted from the contest Since 1982 the English Department at San Jose State University has sponsored the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, a whimsical literary competition that challenges entrants to compose the opening sentence to the worst of all possible novels. The contest is named after the Victorian novelist Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, whose line “It was a dark and stormy night . . . ” was made famous by the novelist-beagle Snoopy in the cartoon Peanuts.

Quoted from the winning entry For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity’s affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss—a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity’s mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world’s thirstiest gerbil.

Some notable runner-ups:

Through the verdant plains of North Umbria walked Waylon Ogglethorpe  and, as he walked, the clouds whispered his name, the birds of the air sang his praises, and the beasts of the fields from smallest to greatest said, "There goes the most noble among men" -- in other words, a typical stroll for a schizophrenic ventriloquist with delusions of grandeur.

The blazing equatorial sun beat down on Simon’s head and shoulders as he dug feverishly in the hot sand with the ivory shoe-horn his mother had given him before the homecoming game with Taft, when the field was so wet that he’d lost his low-tops seven times in the cold sucking mud.

She walked into my office wearing a body that would make a man write bad checks, but in this paperless age you would first have to obtain her ABA Routing Transit Number and Account Number and then disable your own Overdraft Protection in order to do so.  

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead."

If you find this amusing, there are more here:

http://www.bulwer-lytton.com/

This one is my personal favorite, though they are all quite hilariously hideous.

As Holmes, who had a nose for danger, quietly fingered the bloody knife and eyed the various body parts strewn along the dark, deserted highway, he placed his ear to the ground and, with his heart in his throat, silently mouthed to his companion, "Arm yourself, Watson, there is an evil hand afoot ahead."

I never really had a problem with it was a dark and stormy night.  While it's not a great line, it's not a terrible one.  Am I the only one who thinks that dark refers to the mood and not the lack of light?


Phil

Speaking of bad sentences, sometime ago I was reading "The Low Dweller" a spec that sold for big bucks and had a lot of heat back in the day. And look what I found on page 6:

"Beside him, an OBESE GIRL lies on her belly and her ashen, flabby a$s in the moon".

Yeah.  :)

Are you sure that wasn't from The Cabin?


Phil

I know the line is a Cabin classic. That's why I laughed so hard when I found it in a pro script. And that's why I'm sharing, so all of you Cabin-mockers repent.  :P

This sounds like it could be an SS challenge....

Bob opened yet another beer and drank; he wasn't sure if it was his sixth or his seventh beer, but if his swollen bladder could talk, it would probably say it was his seventh beer.


Phil

When Liz opened her bright, green eyes that moody, September day, little did she know that her mother, the chief of surgery down at the cardiology hospital and president of the Les Paulson Country Club where her own husband had had an affair once, had just cracked the chest of Liz's husband who had been in a car accident that morning and had just sent Liz the urgent text message, "Your husband has just been in a car accident this morning, and you aorta get down here right away."

Say it "valley girl" style.

A pun, George?  That's fighting dirty.


Phil

His chest glistened like a pumpkin seed, either one fresh out of the pumpkin but with all the orange strands of pumpkin flesh removed, or one straight out of the oven after being coated in just the right amount of oil and then baked; the point is that it was smooth, fairly shiny, and that color.

Now you tell me.

Quoted from dogglebe A pun, George?  That's fighting dirty. Phil

And a run-on sentence. That statement just would not die. If someone pulled out the paddles, it would go on for another couple lines before expiring.

Sniper, that was awesome.

Run on sentences are practically required for this kind of writing.

That was great Sniper.


Phil

Just stumbled across this oldish thread and have cried with laughter from the  minute I opened it. So, for those of us not around at the time, I bump this thread.

Enjoy.

I have to say this should be an annual challenge for SS writers to post the best as worst. Surely that is an art form in itself.

Bill

PS my favourite was the paperless age reference - it really got to me.

I actually like the "Lyttle Lytton" competition better.  It's still about horrible setences, but they have a 25 word limit, so no run-on sentences.  An added challenge.

Plus, they have a secton for opening AND ending sentences.

One of my favorite ending sentences:
"'Lawd a'mighty,' howled Caleb, to the consternation of those few who still remained in the helpless, drifting lifeboat, 'some of y'all are lookin' mighty tasty!'"

And another:
"The pain wouldn't stop, and Vern still had three cats left."

Thanks for bumping this, hadn't seen it before. I love stuff like this. The paperless age one reminded me off something Leslie Nielsen would have said in Voiceover in 'The Naked Gun' for some reason.

Great stuff.

The neighbourhood was painted orange-pink when his stomach began to growl, and Jar Jar Binks couldn't wait to burst through his parents' front door to get a whiff of the splendid Holiday dinner that was certainly waiting for him.

C'mon, anything with Jar Jar has got to come close.