Killed a Man by Christopher Bohlsen - Short, Western - Two men sit at a campfire and talk. 2 pages - pdf, format 8)

Your dialogue is good here, but there's no story whatsoever.  This reads like one page from a much larger story.  There was no twist or overall point to the exchange between the two of them.  There were no "stakes" for either of them, no drama.  I think you should expand these two guys into a larger story.  Good luck with it.  

This seemed more of a thought than a story. No fade in - fade out and the story simply ends as though you were to expect another page.

This seemed to be taking place in a western setting I assume but the dialog came across unrealistic and basically flat. Sorry.

For a two pager, you might want to revisit it and work the words so it does not come across with a "unforgiven" feel to it.

Take care.
Shawn.....><

Was this by any chance written for a 1 page comp?

Sorry to say but this one didn't really work for me at all. Where's the story? Dialogue was okay, but the young guy (already forgot his name) talked a little too casually for someone age 20 about killing people. There was no emotion at all. If he's supposed to be a cold blooded psycho, you didn't show us that. Right now he just comes across as a normal person who threw litter on the highway... Need to work on the characters and add some drama. Right now there's no story nor character.

"That's why you shoot them from afar" - I guess it's your punchline but it's not enough for me. I want more - a twist maybe. If no twist then memorable dialog...

Reads like a western, is it a western? If it is maybe you could also work on the accent (not insisting on it though).

Huh? Did you forget to write an ending to this script?

Story - very, very thin. Just two talking heads about killing people. No tension, no conflict.

Characters - I don't know them at all except for their ages. So I guess both of them know how to kill people, and Thomas is more attention to detail. And then????

Dialogue - is this an interrogation? How come Thomas is asking questions and it's to the point of nagging. "You ever killed a man?" "How'd you do it?" "Describe it" "Where'd you shoot him"

Writing - nothing much to say. Only three lines of action and description. So it should be a given that there shouldn't be typos or grammar mistakes. Missing FADE IN and FADE OUT. Don't need CONTINUED.

Not very engaging. Sorry.

Herman

This story happened so fast that the reader has no time to think.  It was too direct and on-the-nose.  This would work better if you stretched it out to five or ten pages. Let things build up a little. Establish your characters a little.  We don't know who the two are or their relationship with each other.  Just they very open with each other.


Phil

I be thinking the second guy is calling the first guy a liar.

Thought the dialogue was good and liked the concept, although, have you watched Unforgiven?

I suspect there's some irony in there somewhere, but I'm guessing and if there is, it's way too deep.

As a consequence, I'm unclear about your objective. I have the feeling there's something significant about the older guy's last paragraph, but its way too subtle - for me at least.

Christopher, if you're around, I'd be interested in an explanation.

I have to agree with the above.  No story.  No point.  Maybe the start of something, but not something on its own.

The script was not intended to be a story or to have a "point". It was merely an experiment at writing the style of dialogue found in a Western. Apologies to all those who thought otherwise.

And "Unforgiven" is one of my favorite movies.

Hi all,

Campfire, rifles, horseback, drawing guns...It's a Western alright.

At first I thought is this a joke? Then I read the ending again..."The pair lie down and go to sleep"...So I thought Brokeback Mountain?

Quoted from kurisuborosen The script was not intended to be a story or to have a "point". It was merely an experiment at writing the style of dialogue found in a Western. Apologies to all those who thought otherwise.

May I ask a question. Why'd you post your script here then? If you want a critique on dialogue then it was good.

Hey Christopher,

Coincidentally I watched Unforgiven (again) about three days ago - what an absolutely terrific movie.

If your script had no story, nor point and was just an experiment in dialogue....then hey, I think you did a pretty good job.

Next time, however, (if there is a next time) could you please let us 'reviewers' know that's what you're doing. It will save me trying to review a story that is not a story and hence will save me some time (and let's be honest, we could all do with more time!)

Way too short. I suggest having Thomas be the man he 'supposedly' killed up close. Neither of the men have met before and now William explains why he shot the man(Thomas) in the first place.

Hello Christopher,

As a snippet of dialog, this is fine.
It does capture some of the classic cadence of a Western.
I'm just glad I read the comments first before going into this for a full critique.
In the future, please post a comment for any experiments that aren't full stories.
It saves readers time and effort.
For example, my feature is a spec remake script purely for writing practice.
I put a comment to that effect at the top so folks don't debate its marketability.
Other than that, this reads decent and look forward to a story from you.

Thanks for posting.

Regards,
E.D.