The 7 of April by Joel LaFlamme - Western - A retelling of The Seven Samurai and The magnificent Seven, set during WW2 during the American invasion of Okinawa. 102 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hey Joel,

I read the first seven pages. Sorry for the shortness of review....I'm try to get through a few to give basic feedback.

I loved the Seven Samurai and Magnificent Seven. Can the world cope with another version? Personally I'm up for it - not sure about the rest of the world.

You've got some formatting errors you need to eradicate. I think the Fade In should come before the SLUGLINE. You've continued the Caps in the names, which are not needed. You've also got Wrylies in the middle of the Dialogue. You also don't need 'The Film starts'.

You have excessive amounts of description. It all sounds very beautiful, but it's just not needed in a script and detracts from the story. Have a look at other reviews and you will see the same thing over and over.

I'm not sure about the Dialogue. It's quite effective in places - it has that formality that I imagine in the Japanese way of speech. Unfortunately, sometimes it simply sounds false. I would try to tighten it up. I think that will help.

You also use numbers '2' for example. I think you're better writing it: 'two'

Hope that helps,

Cheers
Thornton

Hello,,

I like this script.  and would like to hear from you, maybe make an offer :)

Thanks Thornton for your review. I understand what your saying about the Japanese speaking in the beginning of the film. I'll try to polish that up a bit. I'd hope you could give my script a full review because the first 7 pages are by far the weakest. The story is really about the American officers who come to protect the villagers. Hopefully you'll have some more time on you plate to give a full review. Thanks again I'm really looking forward to it.

Quoted from JoelLaFlamme I'd hope you could give my script a full review because the first 7 pages are by far the weakest.

Then rewrite it!  The reader needs a reason to finish reading your script.  I've lost count how may scripts I've stopped reading after X pages, only to have the author say it gets better after that.

It should be better from page one.


Phil

I totally understand, I will polish it up. You're right the dialogue is very basic. If you remember the original 2 films the opening scenes are very basic and straight forward. I know this is no excuse for poor writing but I believe my liberties really expand the opening while leaving a similar feel to the originals. I will take a look over those pages right now and I'll see what i can do to polish the writing.

I understand also what your saying about being overly descriptive. The first 2 paragraphs of the script are very descriptive but I can be because this island is the setting for the entire film. If there is one part I can be this visual it's the opening scene, especially when the entire film takes place on this one island. When it comes to my writing I'm very visual. I'm a director first and a writer second so when I write I really want my audience to see what I see. I've found it hard not to include camera moves and lighting when it comes to writing.

I know you said the first 7 pages didn't warrant reading the next 90 but if you get some time I'd love to hear your opinion on the rest of it.