Devil's Daughter by Bo Ransdell (BoinTN) - Horror - The beautiful and beguiling daughter of Satan comes to Earth to herald the Apocalypse through rock and roll.  A damaged music journalist uncovers her dark secret and becomes the only chance for the world's salvation. - Devil's Daughter, Horror 113 pages - pdf, format 8)

Bo,

As much as I hate stories that glorify the devil, this is a great script.  Marketable, clean writing, excellent transformation with Falsey as he finds his redemption, and the third act takes off like a rocket.   And that's just a few of the positives.    

I imagined this story in the same vein as Jennifer's Body, which is the type of film teenagers and twenty-comething's flock to the theaters to see.  It worked.

I only found one typo on page 95 (need a period after "safe").  A few others might nitpick over some formatting gobbledygook, but the story as a whole is complete.      The only thing I'd change is your title.  It's just too straight forward, IMO.  

Best of luck with it.


  

Thanks very much!  I'm not all that new, I have several other scripts up on the board, this is just the latest.  I need to start listening to Babz' podcast, and thinks for sending the link over.  

This is about the twelfth draft of the script, which is about right for the way I write, and maybe the first one where the rewrites totally changed the tone of the piece.  I think you got out of it everything which was intended, which is always satisfying for a writer.  Again, I really, really appreciate the read, and keep your fingers crosses for a sale.  It's up at Inktip, too, and I'm hoping someone gives it a chance.

As for the title, I'm not 100% sold on it, either, just haven't thought of a better one.  I am always open to suggestions!

Quoted from BoinTN This is about the twelfth draft of the script, which is about right for the way I write!

Hearing that makes me wanna weep.   But obviously your hard work has paid off as it shows in the quality of your writing.

Quoted from BoinTN As for the title, I'm not 100% sold on it, either, just haven't thought of a better one.  I am always open to suggestions!

"The Devil's Finest".   Or maybe consider changing Serena's name to Jezebel and just call it "Jezebel".    Actually, I like the first one better.   I'm gonna shut up now and get out of your way.   But I'm still a firm believer you won't have any problem selling this.  Any Literary Agent in their right mind will jump on it like a chicken on a Junebeug.  It's an easy sell, IMO.

Jennifer's Body doubled it's money at the box office.  This one, if released in the month of October would surely do the same if not better.  

Edit: Another title suggestion. "Malevolent" (pretty much sums up the very nature of the story, although it's the same title of a Lou Diamond Philip's movie in 2002).  I hate reusing a title.  Especially if it's connected to Lou Diamond Philips.  

I had considered The Devil's Music, or something along those lines.  Jezebel isn't a bad idea, either.  Strangely, titles are often my weakest point.  I always get that last, if at all.

Well, Michael, with a PLUG like that, I gotta give it a spin.

I like BoinTN.  Think I've read a couple of yours already.

Don't like hearing the Jennifer's Body comparison, though...at all.  Damn HORRIBLE movie!  Just terrible.  BTW, it may have doubled its budget in gross, but that's due to the fact that it pulled in its budget overseas, otherwise, it barely covered it, and that's not making money in Movieland.  It was a major flop with both critics and audience, and really badmouthed for the most part.  SO...


Anyway, I'll give this a read ASAP, BOIN!

Quoted from Dreamscale Don't like hearing the Jennifer's Body comparison, though...at all.  Damn HORRIBLE movie!  Just terrible.  BTW, it may have doubled its budget in gross, but that's due to the fact that it pulled in its budget overseas, otherwise, it barely covered it, and that's not making money in Movieland.  It was a major flop with both critics and audience, and really badmouthed for the most part.  SO...

Jennifer's Body was the closest comparison I could come up with so let's just move passed that, Mr. Critic  8)   This is a great story, IMO.   Genuinely creepy.   A real page-turner.

Thanks, again, and I'd love to hear your feedback, Dreamscale.  You never know how people will react when you release a script into the wild, so I've been very pleased with reactions so far.  At the end of the day, you just hope people have a good time with it!

I need to read this. Vermin is still one of my favorite scripts. Glad to see a new one from you, Bo.

Thanks, Sham!  I think if you like Vermin, you'll dig this one, too!

So I read this on Screenrider's reccomedation, and he was right.  I wasn't disappointed.  It's a strong sory and very well written.

You're really good with dialogue.  I LOVE the scene with the Satan and the Angel at the party.  (The dialogue with Dr. Cypher and the intern needs work though.)

You may want to work on the Devil character a bit.  It wasn't bad, per se, but felt like it had been done before.  At this point, it's probably hard to come up with an original take on the devil, but wasn't Robert DeNiro Mr. Cypher in that MIckey Rourke movie?

I liked the father, a lot!  He might be the best character.

I'm wondering if you need a bridge scene between the scene with the Stanger and the Army of God people.  It feels like a long time for that to disapper.  

I got a litle confused arount the scene where Steve and Ben are on the pjone with Marty.  Marty's trying to get them out of there, they want to get out, but they still don't believe the Apocalype is coming, but Ben kind of does maybe?  I got a little jumbled as to everyone's motives in hat scene.

So those are the major concerns I had.  But it is really good.  A quick read, very visual, and really well done!

Thanks, Seamus!  I tried to keep the Devil on the outskirts of the story.  Like you said, it's not a wholly original take on the character, but I like the suave devil, so in he went.  As for the scene with the intern and Satan, that scene has gone in and out of various drafts.  My manager finally convinced me to leave it in, so I'm bowing to her judgment on that, but I had originally cut it.  

Pops was my favorite character, too.  I think his death is pretty awful, intentionally so.  How can you dislike a Beatles fan?

The phone scene you mentioned is a relatively new scene, having only existed in the last two or three drafts and I'll take a peek at it again based on your comments.  I really appreciate it!

As I've said before, I think this one is a fun read, and I've been flattered that people tend to agree.  Hopefully I'll have some good news to share on the production front for another script before long!

Hey Bo, I just finished Vermin and it's the cleanest, most professionally written script I've read to date. I tried emailing you, but I don't know if that email is still valid. Please contact me at benmeyerson@me.com. I am very interested in developing and potentially producing your work. Hope you still visit this site.