Still Life by Ryan Lee (ryan1) - Short, Suspense - Two escaped convicts invade the home of an art lover. 5 pages - pdf, format 8)

I thought this was a good read, an old House of Mystery type of story.  I do have two small problems with it:  the first is that your descriptions are a bit wordy.  You can trim a lot of this down.  The first line mentions a 1976 Buick Regal.  You couldn't just say 'an old sedan?'  Unless that specific make, model and year is significant, there's no reason to mention it.

SPOILER SPACE

I think you can add onto Karl and Shane's deaths.  You should build suspense with their deaths.  Hack-and-slash is cheap horror; try to do a little better than this.  Have Lloyd explain to them why he uses human canvasses.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Phil,

I usually like to keep my action and descriptions as trimmed as possible, but occasionally I will throw in a specific detail.  I used the 76 Buick because I happened to see one on the net while I was coming up with the idea for this story and it's exactly how I envisioned the car.  Interesting thought about adding to the suspense of their deaths. I'll have to consider that.

thanks for the look

Ryan

Ryan, I like the concept here, but not your writing this time around.

As Phil said, it's a bit over descriptive in appearance, but in reality, I think your problem here is that you didn't break your passages properly.  You really shouldn't go over 4 lines of prose, IMO...you did it several times here...and shouldn't have, because all the passages that are over 4 lines, should have been broken up, based on the action involved.

You've also got some orphans here, and in a 5 page script, I don't think you should have any, really.  I think I counted 3 in total, and 2 of them were the cause of going over 4 lines, which makes it look even worse, IMO.

Good story, though.  Fairly good action (again, I think it could have been written better), and interesting ending.

So, with a rewrite, I think this would be really good, but as it reads now, I'd say it's below what I've seen from you recently.

Take care.

Hey Ryan,

I though this was a nice, quick, creepy read.  I enjoyed it and I'm afraid I don't have much to add really.

I think I would echo Dreamscale's suggestion that you break up the action sequences a bit more as the same thing jumped out at me.

For instance, for your first sequence, maybe something like the below.

"A rusty 1976 Buick Regal sputters and rolls to a stop on a gravel road. Under the moonlight, plowed fields and thick woods sprawl in all directions.

A lone farmhouse standsabout a hundred yards off the road, the only structure within sight."

Anyway, nice job on this and I enjoyed it.  Look forward to reading more.

Craig

Jeff,

thanks for reading.  Sorry you didn't like this one quite as much as the others.  I was trying to make this script as compact as possible, so I shoild have caught those orphans.  It's always the last thing I look for, just slipped by me on this one.

Craig,

Glad you liked it.  I agree, it would probably look better on the page with the action broken up a bit.

Hey Ryan,

Not bad. Not bad at all. I thought it got a little predictable once Lloyd mentioned the neighbor but overall it was a nice twist and a nice angle (the paintings). Did Ed Gein inspire you?

A thing you might wanna take a look at is how you describe your "high-paced" action sequences.

Example 1:

Quoted Text The front door nearly flies off its hinges as it’s kicked in.

This sequence is supposed to make the audience jump in their seat but it's long sentence for a quick shot of action and the fact that door is kicked open isn't revealed until right before the full stop. As it is written, it reads like we're watching it in reverse. You might wanna shuffle the words around a bit to get the point across from the get go - maybe throw in a sound effect.

Example 2:

Quoted Text The sickening crack of hard wood on skull, followed by the dull thud of a body falling to the floor.

Same thing goes here. Since it pitch black, why not just use sound effects?

Quoted Text CRACK THUD Lloyd flicks on the lights. Lowers a bat. Stares down at Karl on the floor.

Anyway, just a suggestion. Do what you feel is right.

Good work.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Ryan.

I think this is the second story I've read of yours, and I got to say...  I've really liked both of them.

While the other one, 'Tough Room', I think was exactly the perfect length for the story, this one, I feel, should definately be expanded upon.  This could really be a neat little feature, or maybe even an episode for Criminal Minds or something along those lines.

It's just, I think you got a good story going here and I think it's too brief.  I want to know more.  I want more to be explained.  It seems like Lloyd lives in such a small town, where you've pointed out the neighbors are a mile away from each other... where did he get all his victims from and why isn't the rest of the town suspicious they got locals missing?  Maybe Lloyd owns that gas station nearby, that's how he knows it's closed.  It could also be where he picks up a lot of his victims.  (Sorry, I mean inspirations.)  They could be out-of-towners passing through.

This is definately one story that you shouldn't be nervous about lengthening.  You already have people liking it.  Might as well see how far you can take it now.  I think it could be a lot more than just a little quick short.  But, that's just me.

Great story.

-  Mark

Hey Ryan,

Cool concept here. It's always fun to see the bad guys encounter an even worse guy.

Spoilers ahead:

When Lloyd says Ed is not home and kind of stumbles when asked how does he know, I immediately thought he had probably killed the guy. Maybe it's me, but I think this kinda gives away the twist.

I would suggest turning your convicts into real psychos. Right now they stick to business, they just want a ride and don't seem to have any intention of harming Lloyd. If they're behaviour was more brutal, I would be rooting harder for Lloyd to turn the tables. And when it happens it would be more emotionally satisfying.

Still, good job.  ;)

Hi Ryan,

Good one. This gives me goosebumps at the end.

I liked the surprise that Lloyd is not what he seems to be.

I don't have too much to add. I think it works the way it is.

One thing I'd suggest is to connect what he had in the first picture at the end. You mentioned that picture is an old woman. Maybe you can give us some hints as to who that is. Maybe his mother? Or you can change it to his wife? That'd give us some more closure.

I really enjoyed it.

Herman

Like everyone else I like the story.

The writing was good, but I did find the descriptions lacked a certain punch.

They could have been more concise, with more white space.

I think this also affected the pace of the action. I think you sacrificed the element of suspense and instead substituted a far more inferior medium, surprise.

Perhaps being introduced to Llyod at the start would help establish his character - if we see him doing something that we think is artist and gentle and later this is revealed as a gruesome act - could be more effective?

I thought this could've been much better. I can't say I enjoyed it all that much. I thought the artist angle might make the situation more interesting but honestly, lose the paintings and it's just a guy skinning people which is nothing new. The painting's didn't really offer any significance other than a somewhat cutesy payoff... okay, maybe cutesy isn't the word but you get the idea. I would've liked to have seen some artistic characteristics, sensibilities or philosophy on Lloyd's part come through but like I said, he's basically your standard Ed Gein-type killer.

I'm gonna take Phil's side and say you need to work on building suspense and additionally, just some kinda fresh angle to the whole thing, more than just visuals. I haven't quite gotten to the point where I'm sick of the whole bad-guys-meet-worse-guys formula but there needs to be some kind of extra dimension if it's really gonna stand out.

Heya Ryan,

This is my first read of yours since I joined the site and it went pretty smooth.
I agree with the general consensus that your description clog your actions sometimes.
Lead with your punch then color it with a splash of detail, its helped me out bunches.

That being said, I do enjoy the premise and would like to see more of this story.
I want to more know about Lloyd and his methodology.
Perhaps he uses a rundown gas station to lure out of towners to his house.
The gas station also serves as a makeshift studio and gallery.
I dig the idea of Lloyd  having his "paintings" up on display in the station.
He tells the "story" behind the painting to locals that stop by for chat.
The only ones that make it to the house are his chosen "just passing through" targets.
I find the idea of Lloyd being a selective predator far more creepy than what's here.
The idea he "took up painting" after his wife passed on, stuff like is tasty to me.
I would lose the red flag about the neighbor, the jig is up at that point for me.

Bottom line, there's a lot fo ways this can go and I'm excited to see them.
Thanks for the upload and I look forward to checking out your future endeavors!

E.D.