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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board  /  Thriller Scripts  /  Bleeding Green - 7WC
Posted by: Don, September 5th, 2010, 3:19pm
Bleeding Green - 7WC by T. Joseph Fraser (Blaakwolfe) - Thriller - A beautiful eco-terrorist has a change of heart after being struck with amnesia. Will she recover in time to save the world? 96 pages - pdf, format 8)
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), September 7th, 2010, 2:12pm; Reply: 1
Hey T Joe, what up?  Congrats on completing a script in 7 weeks.  You should be proud.

I saw no reads on your script and wanted to give it a bump and start the discussion.  I am stopping at page 42, cause things have really gone downhill for me and I need a break.  I hope to get back to it later.

I wish I had time to take detailed notes for you, because there are a lot of problems going on, pretty much every single page.  I noticed that after your initial setup, the writing fell apart, details made no sense, and mistakes were running rampant, which is too bad, as I liked your setup and premise.

The main thing I want to stress here is your overwriting.  You continually add worthless description to lines that make them run into the next line, and basically waste a line for no reason at all.  Way too much meaningless detail is given over and over again.  Off the top of my head, I’d say you could literally chop off 10 pages of the first 41, and lost absolutely nothing in story.

What really pushed me overboard and caused me to stop reading was your use of annoying asides and the use of “argh”, not once, but twice, in dialogue.  People don’t say “argh”, unless they’re a pirate.  It comes off as completely cartoonish, comedic, and downright annoying.

Sorry if this all sounds harsh, but I’m just irritated, as I thought things were looking rather intriguing early on.  I’ve already managed to piss a few people off, but you know I’m going to give it to you straight up, and let my feelings be known.  Hope this helps in your rewrite.

Notes I took as I read -

The opening scene is pretty good.  It has a “big budget thriller” feel to it.   The writing itself is OK, and I’m sure it will be better with further rewrites.

I’d be careful of keeping Jillian the character she seems to be in this opening.  She’s crazy, cool, and the makings of an action hero.  NOTE after reading further – You did not keep her character consistent with what I was hoping.

After page 10, things really slow down with the intro of Talon and Cobalt – they also seem very cliché as henchmen.

The writing is starting to get much worse, with lots of typos popping up everywhere.  Different names are also popping up (Sunshine?).  General note – too many characters – getting very difficult to follow.

I’m really confused now on page 28, because it seems L&G blew up, but now we’re at another blown up building called Lockwood & Day.

Page 29 – OK, I have to bring this up, cause it’s happening more and more frequently.  “The Fireman Sam…” – Why are you using “the” in front of characters names?  BTW, Fireman Sam really sounds terrible for a character name.

Page 30/31 – The dialogue is getting pretty bad and this is getting harder and harder to follow, as I’m just clueless as to where we are and what this new building Lockwood & Day has to do with anything.

McIntyre – Mcintosh?  Homeless camping in the woods?  HUH?  WTF?

You also are continually going back and forth using Jill and Jillian interchangeably in description prose which is extremely confusing.   You need to be consistent.

Page 31 – Jessetor?  HUH?  What does this mean?

OK, I’m extremely confused again with Jesse and Sacrecrow.  Who, or what are they supposed to be, and why are they even involved?

OK, so now amnesia kicks in finally. I actually forgot all about it.  IMO, this is a bit late, but let’s see where it goes.

One thing I want to bring up, is that everything has abruptly changed from how you started things out.  It’s completely lost that “big” feel, sorry to say.

Page 32 – “the Jesse” – Dude, sorry, but this kind of stuff is really starting to annoy me. WTF?

“A tall, modern and thoroughly generic skyscraper filled with suits, greed and lies.” – This is an EXT shot so obviously, this is a total aside that for me is really annoying.  I’m sorry, T Joe, but I’m really losing my patience here.

Page 33 – An extra “TOM’S OFFICE” SLUG thrown in for now reason.

“Arghh!” – Argh, indeed. Dude, sorry, but this kinda stuff should NEVER be included in a serious script.  You’re honestly telling me that this character says, “Argh”?  It’s a cartoon line.

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Page 38 – “Jillian nods in agreement and puts the chain around her long and supple neck.” – I wish I had been taking better notes for you, T Joe.  Just wasn’t in the mood though.  You’ve been way overwriting in this script, to the point that it’s very irritating and annoying. This is a good example here.  By writing “long and supple neck”, you’ve used an extra line.  We’re on page 38 here, Jillian has been intro’d long ago – on page 1, I think.  She’s been in numerous scenes.  It’s downright crazy that you’d throw in a descriptive line like this at this point.

“The car winds up a hilly road, meticulously pruned as if done with a pair of scissors.” – And here you go again!  Dude, c’mon now.  Another wasted line because of a totally unnecessary description, “as if done with a pair of scissors). LOSE ALL THIS KIND OF STUFF!!!!

“Ulrich steps out of the car as the young man sits in the cockpit and smiles.” – Still the same page, and another crazy description…this time, I don’t even know what it’s supposed to mean, but it’s another wasted line.  “sits in the cockpit and smiles”?  Huh? What cockpit?  Who cares?  Obviously, I’m trying to beat home a point.  I won’t continue bringing these all up, but you really need to give this a thorough edit.

Page 41 – I’m sorry, bud, but this thing is falling faster than a piano from the 12th floor.  Nothing is reading very well.  Nothing is working for me.

“desToms” – HUH?

Page 42 – “Arghhhhhhh!” – You used it again?  You seriously used it again?  OH MY…I’m afraid I’m going to stop on that note.  Sorry.
Posted by: grademan, September 7th, 2010, 8:16pm; Reply: 2
T.  Joe.

I finished reading this first draft and here are my comments.

-- This felt kind of convoluted to me.

-- Too many minor characters. I’d think about ditching Talon or Cobalt, Mr. Foster, and Scarecrow.

-- More evil. Consider making the big scheme be inserted earlier in the story. We know who the bad guys are but not their plan. Plus, the plan has been done before – got anything to freshen it up?

-- The beginning was pretty good with Jillian speeding down the road. I could see the Jillian role for a young starlet with some story revisions so things are more her vs. the evil plan. Her amnesia isn’t much of a hindrance in this story.

-- Plenty of typos and such to be cleaned up.

So that’s about it,

Gary

Congrats on completing the 7WC!
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), September 7th, 2010, 8:20pm; Reply: 3
Gary, didn't you have an earlier post here, saying you stopped on page 45?

Am I imagining this?  I thought sure I saw a rather detailed post form you...Hmmm...
Posted by: grademan, September 7th, 2010, 10:00pm; Reply: 4
Yes Jeff, I did have an earlier post which said I had only reached page 45. I felt bad for not reading it all. Thus, the revised comments.

                                                                             Gary
Posted by: Dreamscale (Guest), September 7th, 2010, 10:31pm; Reply: 5
I feel bad too.  I'll get back to it and finish it as well.
Posted by: Blakkwolfe, September 8th, 2010, 5:41pm; Reply: 6
No worries, guys. I appreciate the effort.

This was a pretty brutal rough draft, more of an excercise to get the idea out of the brain and on to paper.

I was concerned with the amount of characters and it being hard to follow.

Rushed to hit the deadline, though the quality suffered as a result.

However, that is part of the learning experience and I'll take into consideration all comments in the revision...
Posted by: Grandma Bear, September 9th, 2010, 3:12pm; Reply: 7
TJoe,

congrats! Not just for writing a feature in 7 weeks, but for writing a pretty decent one. I'm not sure why the others couldn't finish it. I liked it. I guess we're all different.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading about places familiar. My brother-in-law lives on Bayshore so some of the streets and stuff, I know.

This review will be short. Not because I didn't want to take notes. I did. I had my notepad and pen ready when I sat down at work ready to read. I read the first 2 pages and liked what I read a lot and I didn't really see anything to mention/complain about so I put the paper and pen aside, leaned back in my chair and put my feet on the desk and just read it.

I read Jeff's comments and I agree with some of it. It was a little confusing at times. Weird slugs like the ones about the building changing name. Lots of typos. There were more and more of them as the script went on. Even in some of the slugs. Like INT. Tom's GARAGE… Also lots of spelling errors in German. One description btw, one that Jeff hated, I liked. A tall bland skyscraper. Full of suits, lies and greed. To me that painted a perfect picture.

I see the others didn't like Talon and Cobalt. They weren't exactly deep characters, but I wouldn't say they were not needed either. I liked Scarecrow. Could picture him perfect as well. Jesse was a likable guy. Jillian was okay. Seemed like a bitch in the beginning, but grew on me as the story went on. Tom left me a little confused. I never really got a handle on him. Ulrich…what can I say. Germans are always either sadistic Nazis or perverted gay. Frost can probably go though. The congress man need a better part. I liked that he's corrupt and all, but not how he's just let to continue in the end.

I liked how you showed clues into their characters by doing things like giving them specific things to eat.

The story is timely with a social comment and I liked how Jillian changes her way. You have flu hype and corporate greed. Eco terrorism.

I do have some question for you.

What is Jessetor and desTom?

What did P.I.A. stand for?

How did Tom and Jillian become so rich?

What was Bethany's role? I think I didn't really get that.

I know this is short, but I honestly didn't have that much to complain about. Fix some of the confusing areas, typos and such and I think you'd have a great story here.
Posted by: Blakkwolfe, September 9th, 2010, 4:30pm; Reply: 8

Quoted from Grandma Bear
about so I put the paper and pen aside, leaned back in my chair and put my feet on the desk and just read it..


Thank you. That made my day. ;D

I got a brain freeze on some of the slugs. The business name changed a few times and didn't get edited (didn't get edited at all, mainly because of the deadline and I had perhaps one too many when I submitted it...)

P.I.A. 36 stood for Pulminoviral Intersystemal Antidote, version 36, which was designed to Combat the ISA4032 that was injected into the affected cows-with the goal of creating fear about eating meat and punishing those who did with a the threat of a horrible death.
The German was based on Google Translator…
I admit I overwrite sometimes, but I like to add some thoughtful phrases to break the monotony of who’s doing what to whom.  Shouldn’t over do it though. I agree with that.
Talon and Cobalt- Needed two guys to take Jill down. Tried to paint her as tough and brassy- someone they would be intimidated by, even a little afraid of…Need to build that aspect of her character. I agree also they are somewhat cartoonish.  Tried to build a bit more about Talon in the later part; which is tricky since he speaks little to no English…Perhaps adding some conflict between these two henchmen and their loyalties in the re-write.
Tom needs to be more in play than Ulrich, as he too was betrayed by Tom. Originally, I had him co-operating with Jillian to fix the formula, but it made Jill seem too passive and somewhat awkward to bring Jesse into the mix.
Ulrich’s preferences, so to speak, yeah…that’s how he rolls. He’s not perverted though.
The Congressman’s action at the end was a response to Chinatown…He’s corrupt, sells out people for profit and gets away with it.  Seems the way it goes in American Politics…
I liked using Jillian’s amnesia (which does need to be more drastic) as the catalyst for her character arc (which needs to be more clearly stated- she gets too bland at the end; she still kicks ass, but no longer wants to destroy the world.
Jessetor and Destom: Typos.
Sunshine was originally Jesse (He was Doc Sunshine, a cool breezin’ rasta dude with monster dreads before I decided to make him a love interest…Which is not to say that Jillian wouldn’t fall for a Doc Sunshine)
Tom and Jillian ran the agricultural research firm of Lockwood and Day. They developed an alternative to bovine growth hormone that worked extremely well- and, once accepted and in regular use, provided a vehicle for them to inject a poisonous variety into the food supply-which the Vaccine (being manufactured by Ulrich) would cure.
Ulrich and Bethany were investors into the program, with Bethany being the main source of Cash. They all did very well and came together to celebrate at the barbecue. This needs to be clarified, as she is the first to fall according to Tom’s betrayal.
I’m glad that you enjoyed the story, as that’s the main thing I was trying to get on paper.
There definitely has to be some changes leading up to page 45.
No one so far has commented on Patient 5. Thought that was goofy, but I couldn’t not do it.
Thanks very much!

Posted by: Coding Herman, September 9th, 2010, 9:23pm; Reply: 9
Hi T Joe,

Congratulations on finishing a script for the 7WC. Not an easy task at all.

I read up to page 28. I'll read further, but I thought I'll just give you some notes right now.

I liked the first 5 pages where Jillian rushes through traffic while Tom and Ulrich are waiting for her. This sets the tone of a fast paced thriller.

Some of the dialogue between the characters, I think, is too cryptic. I didn't understand what they're talking about, but maybe we're not supposed to?

For example, on page 15, Jillian, Tom, and Ulrich were blurting out numbers about patient #3. I didn't know what I should take away from that conversation. And that makes Tom pulling out a gun too sudden, because I didn't understand what they were talking about and so, Tom's motive as well.

Tom's phone conversation with Jillian should be V.O.

It's intriguing so far. I guess Jillian gets amnesia after she wakes up.

The one thing that you should put focus on is to show us the motives of each character. As of now, I still don't know what Tom is doing although I can see he's up to no good. Ulrich as well. I understand Jillian is a smart girl who works for them though.

Herman
Posted by: Coding Herman, September 10th, 2010, 1:10pm; Reply: 10
Page 31, I think David's threat came too sudden. I mean, he can threaten Tom, but do it more subtly, not blunt out everything.

Page 31, what's a Jessetor?

Page 33, why a new slug of Tom's office when we're already there?

Page 41-42, I had no problems with the chase scene here. What's wrong with it, Jeff? Although I think T Joe can write it with more excitement.

Page 43-45, I liked the exchange between Jesse and Jillian because this is the first time I really get to know them. But why is Jesse helping her out? I think you missed a scene where Scarecrow carries Jillian to Jesse's place and begs him to help her, on page 22 or something.

Page 46, whoa! What's with 7 new characters introduced in 3 short paragraphs?! As you can tell, I could care less about them. And then the scene ends with only 2 of the 7 new characters speak. Completely unnecessary for now, let's see how it goes.

Page 48, from Jesse: "Leave her alone" or "Let her go"

Page 49, the gun fight wasn't that clearly written. I don't know who fires but bullets keep skimming past people. And what happened with Jesse? I thought Talon was pointing a gun at him?

Page 49, What?! Jillian just got kidnapped and Jesse pops himself a beer?!

Page 50, why spent four passages describing what the CHEF is cooking? You can just mention them when the servants bring them out.

Page 58, Jillian seems a little too gullible here. I thought she's smart? She should have questioned Tom and dig a little deeper before giving in and staying at his house.

Page 61, why is everybody either shirtless or undressed here? I also didn't understand what they were doing to Beth.

Page 63, why is Beth's body lying open in the hallway just for Jillian to find out? The guys should have put Beth in the bedroom or something.

Page 71-72, you know what? I think this scene should be in Act I or even near the opening. I now kinda have an idea of what's going on. This is the stake I'm talking about: people will die from the products. From page 1 up until now, I didn't feel too much tension because I didn't know what the stakes are. This is the missing link.

Page 75, I think even for a male officer, he'd wait right outside the washroom door. So Jillian able to wander in the hallway is contrived.

Page 79, Okay, you have to make it clear what Jillian's plan is, because I have no idea why she would go back to Tom's place and not flee to safety or find someplace to hide.

Page 81, HUH? What is this? "[Massive Exciting Kung Fu fight-Jillian is no stranger to martial arts either. She shows Talon a moment of mercy, which of course, he capitalizes on and leaves her beaten]"
Posted by: Coding Herman, September 10th, 2010, 1:35pm; Reply: 11
So T Joe, below are my general thoughts:

There is a story embedded in the script, but it's not clear enough. You have to bring it out more, such as: what L&G does and who are those patients in each room, what is Tom and Ulrich's plan, what's the purpose of the building explosion, what's at stake if Tom's plan succeeded, what's Jillian's plan to overcome Tom.

Right now, I kinda understand the gist of the story, but not the details. What I'm getting is that Tom and Ulrich are supposedly making vaccines that help livestocks and plants to grow bigger, but the vaccines are actually deadly. So they want to cover it up and Jillian need to stop them.

Try to find a more straightforward way to present this story. It's convoluted now. And I have to think really hard just to piece together what's going on.

So Jillian was part of Tom's team, but I didn't feel any dilemma from her. Her character doesn't really come off the page for me. She's smart, pretty, and she knows kung fu! It'd be better if you give her a personal flaw so she can overcome it throughout the story.

The over-writing has been mentioned, but it's a style thing.

The most exciting scene, IMO, is actually the Scarecrow chase. This is because I know exactly where the goons are trying to get (where Jillian is) and what Scarecrow is trying to hide. I was rooting for him. Whereas for the other action scenes, especially the last one, I wasn't that involved because I didn't really get or care if either side wins.

I hope you get what I mean.

For a 7 week (or less) work, this is decent, but still needs a lot of work.


Herman
Posted by: Brian M, September 10th, 2010, 2:19pm; Reply: 12
Hey T Joe,

I thought this was a pretty decent read and has potential to be a good action/thriller, if you can improve several key areas. I noticed there were a lot of typos, but we all know 7 weeks would never be enough time to catch them all and form a perfect story, so I didn’t take much note. For seven weeks work, you can and should be very proud as this is something you can definitely fix and use in the future.

SPOILERS

I’ll need to get this off my chest right away. Your story took too long to get started. I think this is the reason you lost Jeff and Gary (I think) around the 40-45 page mark. I noted at page 45 that nothing much was happening. Your logline promised a story where Jillian has a change of heart after suffering amnesia and tries to stop these terrorists. It’s after page 30 before we find out she has amnesia. It’s page 67 before we find out what Tom and the German guy were hoping to achieve. I’m sorry, but if I was in the cinema watching this, I’d have walked out by now. It would work better if you show the audience what the Tom and co are working towards early on to keep us interested.

In my opinion, because you take so long to set the story up, it ends quite abruptly. Your first act should be cut and second act should be longer, with more scenes involving Tom and Jillian. He should start to realize she is a massive threat to his plan. Right now, I didn’t really get that from him. The ending aside, I think there was only one scene with the two of them after the amnesia incident, and that was in the mansion. Jillian escaped a short time later. She is your lead and he is your main bad guy who betrays a few ‘friends’ in the end. You HAVE to make their paths cross more.

I agree that you have far too many characters. Many of them, you don’t even need. Chloe? A couple of others guys, all I remember is their names start with ‘J’ at the party? Beth? I could go on, but you get the picture. Integrate them more into the story or get rid. Especially the party scene. Why bother naming these people who barely have a line to say in the whole script? It made life a little difficult for me as I was trying to remember these character names, thinking that they might come back into play later. They didn’t. I noticed many instances of different names being used for characters. Troy, Keldon etc. It is a first draft, but it was a lot more than I expected, and again, made things a little difficult to follow.

Jillian and Jesse’s relationship didn’t fly for me. I don’t think it was developed enough. Jesse isn’t introduced into the story until page 25, that’s already more than a quarter of the way through. I think you could get them to relate more, and make their relationship in the end seem more believable.

I liked Scarecrow’s character and I’m gutted he died so early. I would have preferred him to be alive and on the page than most of the other meaningless characters that fill the pages later on. Maybe he can just be beat up severely and still live? Maybe not. I guess this means I really cared for your character, which is every writer’s aim. Well done.

Tom’s character, on the other hand, not so much. He needs a heavy rewrite. It would have helped if you had showed us what he was working on in the beginning. I didn’t really know if he was a good guy or bad guy until long after I should have.

Dialogue was okay on the whole. There were a few lines that were really good. The Village People line brought a chuckle, and p47 “or do I need to translate it to blonde?”, that was very good. However, there were instances I didn’t like so much. On page 43, you use Jesse to tell Jillian what type of person he thinks she is. I thought that was just a cheap way of getting information that we should know about her across. There are better ways of doing this. Show us that she is emotionally distant, don’t let Jesse tell us.

Also, during the early pages, there was a bit too much talk about the patients with all these numbers (twenty two point five blah blah blah) that we don’t know the meaning of. I’d suggest keeping some of it as it makes your characters sound like they know what they are talking about, but cut back as it doesn’t really mean anything to the reader. I also noted on page 34, Jillian uses Scarecrow’s name in dialogue when he never told her his name.

The writing... I can see how you nearly sent Jeff over the edge. Lots of descriptions that aren’t really needed, but they are your choice. Personally, like Pia, I liked the description “A tall, modern and thoroughly generic skyscraper filled with suits, greed and lies”. It’s a style thing, and I think that a few instances like this are okay as long as you don’t overdo it. Like page 51, “Bethany tears into the steak like an NFL linebacker towards a rookie quarterback.” That just didn’t work for me. There were a few more that I didn’t like, but one or two brought a smile to my face.

Anyway, I think with a rewrite, you could really have something here. It would make an entertaining film. Well done!  

Brian

Posted by: Brian M, September 10th, 2010, 2:29pm; Reply: 13
Oh, and I'd lose the Fireman Sam name. "Fireman Sam" is a hugely popular children's TV show in the UK, even through the last episode ended many years ago. I had the toys... everything, when I was a kid. Everytime you mentioned his name, all I could picture was the cartoon character.
Posted by: seamus19382, September 10th, 2010, 2:40pm; Reply: 14

Quoted from Brian M
Oh, and I'd lose the Fireman Sam name. "Fireman Sam" is a hugely popular children's TV show in the UK, even through the last episode ended many years ago. I had the toys... everything, when I was a kid. Everytime you mentioned his name, all I could picture was the cartoon character.


See, I would have changed his name because it sounds lke a child molester!  But your reason's good too.  ;)
Posted by: seamus19382, September 12th, 2010, 12:24pm; Reply: 15
Hey Joe!  Congratulations on finsihing this in 7 weeks.  That's a real accomplishment.

This one was kind of a mixed bag for me.  The logline had me really excited.  Sadly, it never really delivered.  But, as Brian said, I think you're in the ball park of a really good story.

I love the idea of a thriller with an eco terrorist.  I just never really got the feeling that Jillian was an eco terrorist.  She just seems like a girl being manipulated by her boyfriend and his weirdo German friend.  

This does take a little while to get started.  I like the beginning, her on thew ay to the meeting, but that takes too long and then nothing really happens for awhile.

This is a personal thing, but I hate when writers write out dialects.

It may just be me, I'm not that bright, but I really have no idea what the  terrorist plot is here.  They're manufacturing the disease, but also producing the vaccine?  And what's the fallout between Ulrich and Tom?

Not real sure about Jesse, who he is, why she falls in love with him, why a recovering alcoholic would keep beer in the fridge.  I think he has weird reactions to the things that are happening around him.  

WHen Jillian gets back to Tom's, things start to fall apart for me.  Would Cobalt really fall for the false seduction attempt?  Especially with the bosses girl?  

Toms long explanantion of JIllians life seems a bit false to me.

What happens to Emilio needs to be more explicitly linked to the plot.  

THe fight between Jillian, Talon, and Ulrich is hard to follow.

I still have no idea what the plot is, and how Jillian thwarts it.

Get's gored by a bull?  Really?

SO, here's what I would do with this.   I would make Jillian an unwitting pawn in the larger plot beween Ulrich and Tom.  Opening scene, her walking out of a lab as it blows up.  The amesia comes when she's going to blow up another lab, but Ulrich has it blown up while he's in there, trying to get rid of her.  Bring the outbreak in earlier.  Jillian figures out what theyre really up to and has to stop it.

Anyway, this is a good start, a nice first draft, and well done for seven weeks.  YOu should be proud of what you have here!
Posted by: RayW, September 17th, 2010, 11:12am; Reply: 16
Page 1 of 2

For anyone who cares, here's an example of the crib sheet I compile at the beginning of anyone's feature.
Whenever I see a name in all caps I highlight, guess at relevance and dump at the top of my notes in a gmail.com compose mail file (gmail autosaves, whereas yahoo does not!).
I don't ever get confused by sh!t with this approach.
My memory sucks. I know it, so I plan accordingly. :)

JILLIAN McDONALD, early 20’s hair long, black and wavy, with a shock of peroxide
Tom LOCKWOOD, Late 30’s, with thick black hair and executive grey around the sideburns,
ELDRICH/Ulrich KRAUSE, 40’s and equally well-dressed and handsome
MARCUS ROSS, 60’s, a tall, Congressman African American man
JIM “SCARECROW” HARDEE, 75, tall, long, stringy hair and grey stubble, wrinkles on his aged face
JESSE THIBIDEAUX, a handsome guy in cargo shorts and a loud Hawaiian shirt
Detective DAVID LEACH
CLANCY FRENCH, early thirties with sculpted hair and a perfect manicure

EMMA, a pretty teenager in a Westshore uniform.
MISTER FROST, a small man with wire rimmed glasses Congressman Ross' assistant
TALON and COBALT, climb out of the van
   Talon appears to be Asian, with two dragon tattoos-one on each side of his face.
   Cobalt is a tower of muscle and pain. He wears a seventies era ‘fro and a horseshoe mustache.
PATRICE, late fourties and eternally bored
BETHANY, a heavy-set woman in her 30’s, thinks SHE is the money, not Ulrich
GALEN PARKS, an armed gaurd
DR. NORWOOD, tall and handsome, late fourties with thick grey hair and a wispy beard

DAPHNE, a gorgeous twenty one year old in a slinky red dress
Bethany talks with YOUSEF (late 20’s) and JEAN-PAUL, (30’s)
and JABARI (30’s) all who appear to have walked straight out
of a men’s fashion magazine.
A group of young ladies, CHLOE (punky up-do), TRISH (a cute
blonde) and APRIL (dazzling redhead) , all twenties and
dressed to impress


PDF Page 2
She sighs and takes out a brush from her glovebox. Her hair
is long, black and wavy, with a shock of peroxide that seemed
like a good idea at the time.

I don't mind these things, but many folks have ducks over it.
strike  that seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think we already know Jillian's an inconsiderate b!tch by now.

PDF Pg 3
ELDRICH
Marcus Ross will be here any minute
and I have no tolerance...
TOM
Look at the bright side.

If that's supposed to be an interruption rather than a suggestive ending replace ellipses to two dashes
and I have no tolerance --

PDF Pg 4
Cars are merging left, past the accident to the freedom that
awaits, just beyond it
. There is barely enough room to the
right of the wreck.

Once again, you might need a referee call on "to the freedom that awaits, just beyond it."

PDF Pg 5
JILLIAN (O.S.)
(Laughing) Sure.

V.O.
She's not in the room next door, out of sight, speaking.

PDF Pg 6
ULRICH
Ross is caught in the same mess
that Jillian is...said he’ll be
here in a half hour or so.

First, have your software find and change all ELDRICHs to ULRICHs.
Second, Jillian just spoke with Tom over the phone about the traffic snarl. Ulrich doesn't know what her hold up is because... no one has told him.
Just after Tom states "That happens. Everything according to spec?" to Jillian, on pg 4, have Tom put his hand over the phone and state to Ulrich "She's stuck in 275 traffic" as Ulrich looks over the top of his laptop then returns to his work with a grimace of disapproval.

PDF Pg 9
JILLIAN
Jillian McIntyre, sir. Pleased to
meet you, although...

have your software find and change all McIntyrs to McDonalds. Or whichever.
(There was an Ulrich Eldrich just a few paragraphs above, as well.)

By page 10 I like all of these characters you've developed.

Pg 13
Steel tables are covered with test tubes, beakers and glass
pipes that gurgle and pop and appear to be doing something
important.

Great for B&W movies.
However, modern labs are more likely to have vented hoods and rows of automated assay equipment.
http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&safe=off&gbv=2&biw=1280&bih=909&tbs=isch:1&sa=1&q=automated+assay+equipment&aq=f&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=

Pg 14
The set-up of the room is identical to Room #3. Same bed,
same machines, but a very different Patient #4.

strike  but a very different Patient #4.

Pg 18
Tom opens the front left door to Jillian’s desk and removes a
.357 Beretta 8000 Cougar and flips off the saftey.

Have Tom toy with or toggle (whichever) the safety off and on several times.
He's not going to "send her to Vegas" now.

By page 19 I'm not real clear on the subterfuge of Talon and Cobalt with the spool of blue wire and why the receptionist remains clueless.
UPDATE, Pg 23: That was some helluva special kind of det cord they used.

Pg 20
INT. OLD MEDICAL BUILDING ROOM 5 - DAY
Gotta standardize slugs between that or
INT. L&G COVERT MEDICAL - ROOM #4

Pg 22 Same VO instead of OS correction to be made.

Pg 23
Her limp arm draped around his neck, Scarecrow carries her
away, into the woods.

Mmm. Burger with fries. Juss jokn'. :)

Pg 28 Change Sunshine shrugs back to Scarecrow.

Pg 28
JESSE
Why’d you bring her to me?
SCARECROW
Sumtimes...late at nigh’, you hear
screams...loud, painful
screams...comin’ from them
buildings...

Not that semi-homeless people aren't completely whack, but he didn't answer the question asked.
Frankly, I'm wondering the same question myself.
Awfully bold of Jesse to start the young lady an IV in his "small house in a very run-down neighborhood."

Pg 29
EXT. LOCKWOOD & DAY BUILDING
Gotta standardize all these slugs
Same with CLANCY/REPORTER CLANCY

REPORTER CLANCY
There was a car left in the parking
lot. Any word on the owner? Are
they considered a suspect at this
point? Is the public at risk? Damn
it, David...Give me something!

On air reporter wouldn't swear like that in a microphone.
Maybe newspaper reporter less concerned with her presentation.
Also near the end of the script have the reporter be this same chick.

Pg 31 You can probably call it just plain old C4.  It's ubiquitous enough.

Pg 32
DAVID (CONT’D)
Any reason to suspect she may be
alive
in there?

At the moment? NO! LOL!
Okay okay okay. Replace may be alive with have been.

TOM
I don’t know a Jillian McIntosh. We
have a lot of homeless that camp in
the woods. Might belong to one of
them.

WTH kinda answer was THAT?

Pg 33
JILLIAN
You’re a...Jessetor?
Jesse laughs softly.
JESSE
Used to be. Now, they call me
Jesse...

A whut?
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Jessetor
http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Special:Search&search=Jessetor
http://webcrawler.com/webcrawler/ws/results/Web/Jessetor/1/417/TopNavigation/Relevance/iq=true/zoom=off/_iceUrlFlag=7?_IceUrl=true
(Look! You're famous already!)

JESSE
You have some retrograde amnesia
going on...It’ll be like that for a
little while. In the meantime, I
suggest you get some more rest.
Jessetor’s orders.

That was a little spot on for lacking any diagnostic facilities or qualifications.
How about Jesse "suggest" that it "may be" some retrograde amnesia and that it "might" or  go on for a awhile or improve.
And... Jesse has zero intentions of seeing that a burnt, brain damaged woman get to a real live medical facility?
Odd. Mighty odd.
That's okay. In Black Snake Moan I was totally hip with WHY Lazarus chained and kept Rae rather than what d@mn near every other normal person would have done.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Snake_Moan_(film)
Often I have to remind myself that a lot of these stories are NOT about what WE would do (which more often than not would be boring as dirt for their sanity).
But rather, these are the stories of the non-standard  DECISIONS that someone ELSE made.

A tall, modern and thoroughly generic skyscraper filled with
suits, greed and lies.

Love it. Works for me.

Pg 36
JILLIAN
It...hurt...the pig!!!!

Interesting. I'm genuinely interested in seeing where this goes.
Too bad this isn't a SciFi challenge!

Pg 37
It’s a graphical representation of the synthesis of
interactions of the PIA 35 vaccine, broken down into it’s
molecular structure.

A colorful, cleaned-up print-out of that diagram needs to be something she was reviewing and making a stink over back around pg 13 allowing the  audience to see she's putting things back together again.

Pg 39
Jillian nods in agreement and puts the chain around her long
and supple
neck.

Stop it. You're givin' me a woody.
strike long and supple, leave it at her neck, horn dog.

Pg 40
DESIGNER
I told them specifically, Mr.
Lockwood. I don’t know what
language lavender translates into
heather, but evidently...

A: replace trailing though ellipses with two dashes to denote a cut off interruption.
B: since the designer and valet are un-named you might want to consider de-naming the armed security guard, Galen Parks.

Pg 41 I like the intra-team dissension you've created.

Pg 42
Cobalt takes the phone out of his pocket. It’s a picture of
Him and Jill talking outside of Lockwood and Day.

Gotta love that movie magic!
(PS: shoot first, confirm ID later. Nice.) ;)

Pg 45 Although this Jessetor/patient relationship is absolutely preposterous to me I do think you've done an excellent job making them a cute couple through their conversations.

Pg 46
JESSE
That phrase...the way you said it,
like you’ve used it a thousand
times. See? It’s in there.

Either this better have a payoff later or it needs to be inserted back earlier, say in Tom's hotel room to Congressman Ross.
Posted by: RayW, September 17th, 2010, 11:28am; Reply: 17
Pg 51 Poor ol' Jess. Unlucky in life. Unlucky in love.
Lost his dog, his friend, his girl and now his progress. :(

Are there dinner parties going on at both Tom & Ulrich's mansions at the same time?
Pg 52 Nope. Fix the pg 47 slug.

Pg 55
He’s surprisingly good on his
feet for a government tool.

Again, I don't mind these things, but many folks have ducks over it.

Pg 56
Jillian strikes a seductive pose.
JILLIAN
Y’know...I’m a little...hot. Do you
mind if I...

Seems to be the beginning of a rather less than clever escape attempt.

Pg 57
JILLIAN (CONT’D)
Very cool...

(without sincerity) Indeed.
I know, I know, I know...
You gotta show the girl getting her memory back somehow, it's just a bit too much movie magic for me.
Since she's going to get stopped by Tom in a moment anyway, just have her snatch the keys off a wall peg right next to the car.

Pg 58
KELDON                                                  TROY
< coughs > Yeah. That... :)

Pg 62
He opens the top drawer, pulls out a large caliber handgun
and puts in his belt.

You do an excellent job of making the twists and turns increasingly complex.
I don't think this "return of Jillian" during the banquet is working together at the same time.
Separately they are fine.
I'm just not seeing how she wouldn't comment on the big to-do outside as she blithely proposes to take a shower.
However, in the subsequent scene with Tom in his bathrobe and the staggering Bethany I'm guessing the dinner party has concluded and the guests have largely gone.
If so, some clarification needs doing.
Make it more "the banquet wraps up" before "Tom goes to the garage".

Frustrated, he slams a book shut and rubs his eyes.
Is dead Scarecrow still on the kitchen table?

Ulrich, shirtless but with pants, enters from another room,
followed by Chef, also somewhat undressed.

LOL! Alright Ulrich and Chef! Glad someone's gettin' some action!

Pg 64
Like Jerry Rice, she leans over and grabs it before it
shatters on the ground.

Again, I don't mind...

She opens the window and climbs outside.
No reason given why she wouldn't just run down the hall and steps then out the front door.
Have voices of angry men, including Tom, approaching up the stairs.

Pg 65
She peeks into the window...He has the alternative formula up
on the screen...

A: Wow! Jill has some kind of movie magic peepers!
B: The "alternative formula" will need a set up earlier.
Again, likely back on pg 13.
Okey doke. I see why she's outside.
This all ought to be reworked.
It's teetering on preposterous.

Pg 67
TOM
Perhaps she was a genetic anomoly.
We suspected that during the tests.

D@MN! I hate it when that happens! LOL!

Pg 68
She wears one of his shirts and panties, he sits in boxers
and a ribbed t-shirt.

ONE OF HIS SHIRTS AND PANTIES?!
Sh!t, Jess...
LOL!
Fix that, pleeeease? :)

Pg 69
The original drawing is now frayed and wrinkled.
WTH has Jess been doing with it since he took it off the fridge? ;)

Pg 73 This is reading a lot like a screen adaptation of a Michael Crichton novel, which is fine.
It's meant to be a well intentioned observation.
There are certainly less credentialed writers to be compared to!

Pg 75
Kimmy, a piece of yellow paper in her hands, runs over and
gives Jillian a hug.

What's the yellow paper?

Pg 76
DAVID
We have evidence that you were at
Lockwood and Day shortly before it
exploded...

Make sure to go back and clean up all the name changes.

Pg 78
Cobalt clicks a gun and pushes it in the back of her head.
< groan and shakes head > I hate it when people do that.
Or, rather, I hate it when the audience demands that the director demand that.
Ugh. Or Argh! :)

Pg 79
HOBO
Why’dja do it, sol’ja? Why’dja go
an do tha’, sol’ ja?

F#cking hillarious! Love it!

Pg 80
It is something they are willing to
kill for.

I'd specify L&G rather than the nebulous "they".

Pg 84
ULRICH (CONT’D)
I spent over four point five
million dollars,...

Chump change.
Make it at least fourteen if not forty mil.

Pg 86
JESSE
Where? The mansion of death?

Needs prior conversation in kitchen or patio.

SERIES OF SHOTS - JESSE AND JILLIAN WORK ON THE FORMULA
God I love an afternoon of movie magic! :)

Pg 88
... believed to have been
carried here as a result of illegal
immagration...

Cursed immigrants! :)

Pg 90
Whoosh. Those Shurikens come in handy.
Again, I don't care... blah blah blah...

Pg 93
JILLIAN
Did you know that he had a daughter
in Chicago? Every month he sent her
almost every penny he earned...

A wee too much puppy sugar.
Just make it "a  family".

Pg 95
Only to be run through by the horns of the bull.
Those are some lucky cows to have a real bull like that around.

JESSE
What about Ross? He’s going to come
out of this smelling lik
e a god
damn rose...

Need to establish how they know about the Ross connections.

Fantastic

I like your story a lot.
It's perhaps my favorite of this 7WC.
I really dig the style in which your write.
The characters are all stock and fine, plenty of varied settings and scenery, nice action and gun play.
A lot of SS readers are having trouble across multiple 7WC entries for having "too many characters" or "I'm confused by all the characters"
I don't know whatsupwidat.
I keep a crib sheet and do just fine with everyone you have.

You'll need to establish why Bethany "deserves" to be essentially murdered for whatever wicked things she's done in the past.
Make the irony of her funding her own demise more apparent.
I'd somehow expand the scope of the red meat eating issue beyond the feel of just Miami or Florida ranchers.
Give it a global economic cut to it.
Looks like if you just clean up a surprising number of name and slug guffaws, and sew-up some story holes you'll have this one bagged and ready to shop around on the market.
I'd be excited.

Could easily be shot as a PG-13.
Definitely big budget action schlock cheezeburger (and I mean that in a respectful, nice way) fare.
I tire of everyone expecting every screenplay to be GDeffin' Kubrick. ARGGGH!
Definitely an audience for this.
(You and I are shooting for the same kind of directors and audience with our 7WC entries, BTW!)
Big studio $30 - $60M budget.

Tom kept reminding me of Lambert Wilson's character The Merovingian in Matrix Revolutions.


Jillian could be almost any 'pretty young thang' the studio wants to push.
Barack Obama kept leaping to mind as Congressman Ross. HA!
Scarecrow -
LOL!
Posted by: c m hall, September 17th, 2010, 2:19pm; Reply: 18
Seems like this is going to be a good story, I think the more details you put in about why the disease was manufactured and how it works, the better.  Maybe have more people in haz mat suits, more signs of panic in the streets.

Jillian, Jesse, Tom and Scarecrow are all distinct characters and when developed more will make the action even more interesting.  

Jillian's change of heart about eco terrorism maybe could be made more convincing -- she didn't seem so very different to me before and after she loses her memory.  

Lots of nice creepy touches, like the revulsion when Bethany tries to share a piece of meat.  


Posted by: Blakkwolfe, September 23rd, 2010, 7:38pm; Reply: 19

Quoted from Brian M
Oh, and I'd lose the Fireman Sam name. "Fireman Sam" is a hugely popular children's TV show in the UK, even through the last episode ended many years ago. I had the toys... everything, when I was a kid. Everytime you mentioned his name, all I could picture was the cartoon character.



I've never heard of him. I'm familiar with Bob the Builder, though.

That being said, I do agree with the majority of comments that seem to echo that this draft really wasn't very good, was little more than a series of thoughts cobbled together with little more than duct tape (God's adhesive) and the inkling that somewhere in this mound of doo there is story lurking in there.

I do agree also that the main thrust of the eco-terrorism needs to be first and foremost. It takes too long to get to that point.

The fact that Jillian is a mastermind behind this plot (Manufacture a meat borne disease; convince an investor that he will make billions selling the vaccine to counteract it; take his money and give him a vaccine that doesn't work- until Jillian has a change of heart and decides to tweak the data to make the vaccine viable after all.) It is pretty confusing, no doubt; however it has precedent in the whole bird flu/mad cow scare a few years back. Need to simplify it, though.

Lots of screwups with Tom/Troy, Ulrich/Keldon, and the locations. The dinner party was at Tom's Mansion. Ulrich and Beth were guests who were staying there for the meeting with Congressman Ross. It lasted long into the night and was just wrapping up when Jillian arrives.

Wanted Tom to be killed by a bull as irony...I'll try to rework it so that it's not stupid. It's also the point that Jillian escapes death from the bomb because she wants to release the rabbit, her "STC" moment.

It's meant to be a popcorn, summer at the multi-plex kind of movie, filled with a monster budget, hot chix and cool guys with muscle cars.

I didn't think that Ulrich was all that weird.

Overdid it with the cookout names. Had some of those characters stick around, but those scenes got cut.

The description of the food on the grill was to give an indication that carnivores were a distinct minority in the group.

Scarecrow was based on a guy I used to work with. Ray's photo could be the "why'd ya do it sol' ja" guy.

Definitely time to walk away from this project for a while, but I do greatly appreciate the input and thought given to the comments, of which all will be considered when the muse strikes again.

Thanks, ya'll!
Posted by: Electric Dreamer, October 7th, 2010, 4:05pm; Reply: 20
Hey T Joe! Congrats on completing the 7WC!
I don't think I would be able to pull it off.

That being said, I got real lost by page 34 and dropped out.
The opening sequence with the traffic jam and congressman is GREAT!
I'm in the moment and it seems like we're going for a real ride here.
After that I felt the story went way out of focus.
All the patient numbers and exploitation movie henchmen and doctors galore.
The Village People reference did may me giggle, guilty as charged!
I lost patience with the random stats and clipboards and techspeak.
Introducing amnesia at the beginning of act two felt strange to me.
Your characters have some quirks for sure, but they don't seem to go anywhere.
Lots of hallway walking and window peaking and stat reading but....
I haven't learned a thing about your characters after page ten.

I think there is a good story here, its just buried under buckets of exposition.
Thanks so much for the read and good luck in the future!

Regards,
E.D.
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