Green and Pleasant Land by Paul Thornton - Series -  Green and Pleasant Land is a TV drama telling four inter-connected stories about immigrants struggling to cope with the demands of living in the UK. The harsh reality of London life is played out against the backdrop of the 2012 Olympics contrasting the lives of the nationalised foreigners with those of holidaying visitors. 31 pages - pdf, format 8)

Reading this one at the moment. Nice opening. A few issues with the descriptions. I'll drop you a line laterand give you a breakdown

Hi Eoin,

And thanks for taking a look at Green and Pleasant Land. Don't worry too much about the Present Complicated as opposed to the Present Simple as discussed in 'Chosen'. I get where you're coming from on that, so don't waste too much of your time on that one. Just let me know how you get along with the story - I'm pretty sure this won't be to everyone's taste.....at least that's the feedback so far (as mentioned)

Cheers
Thornton

Finished this. There's alot in this - I like the story. You have your finger on the pulse. Not so sure how it would go down with an audience - I'd tone some of the s€x scenes down - reads more like teen fantasy stuff towards the end and might be difficult to film. If you'll excuse the pun, give us the bare details. Wouldn't even go into explaining bukake - it's exposition - plus we can see what it is in the following scene.

Your descriptions need to be tighter and gritty - in keeping with the tone and mood of what is happening. With a little tweeking this could be sharp.

Hi Eoin,

And thanks for reviewing this - much appreciated. Yes, I agree I still have a tendency to over-describe. I kinda feel I'm getting down to nearly an acceptable level, but need to give it (quoting Seamus19382!) one more, bloody, ruthless, knife to the bone, baby mudering edit.

Ah yes, the s$x scenes! I always knew these could prove controversial I suppose (in fact feedback so far suggests the whole series is gonna upset a few people). I don't think anyone (so far anyway!) has questioned the integrity of the piece, but unsurprisingly I've had contrasting views on the 'depth/detail' of what I'm trying to do. One professional body has suggested I'd never get away with it on British TV; another one has said the scenes are disturbing, but sensitively handled and integral to the whole story. So there you are.....who's right and who's wrong, personally I have no idea!

I know Green and Pleasant Land can be an uncomfortable read (it is, afterall, meant to be) so thanks again for looking at it.

Regards,
Thornton

Ah I seem to be following Eoin. Try spelling that half cut on Jameson again. Hope his surname isn't McLove like it was in Ted p.p.

Ania's also a great name. So, I like it already.

Good start. Pretty well written as well.

Personally, I think I say personally too much these days, Start again... ahem.

I think you could do with more spaces rather than four paragraph lines. But that's probably just me. To my beady eye it looks better.

Oceania? Have you been reading Orwell again?

You did the foreign dialogue bit at the end of page two right and all. This is pretty good. Nearly as good as one of mine... I wish.

I think the conversation itself cut be trimmed a bit. Too real and not filmic enough. But depends what you're going for. I'd trim it a little as it tends to slow the thing down.

I could go on, I usually do but I'm out tonight. Suffice to say this is well written and enjoyable. Roll on episode two.

R ox

Of course you're following me Rendevous - I embody all the qualities you admire in da big Fella!

The professional body who told you about never getting away with that on TV were right IMO. It's just too much s€x - how Ania is affected is the real story - not what actually happens. Funnily enough I guessed she was on the game from the conversation she had with her mother - Maybe throw us a red herring at the start so that we think she really does have another line of work - seeing what she actually does will have more impact.

Also, I was afraid for Darlene, but nothing happened to her, despite the foreshadowing and warnings. Maybe something should happen to her?

How would the story change if her pimp was robbed (maybe he is later on) but I'd like to see that happen in this episode. We now know Ania is trapped in a vicious cycle and fear for her.

I can see why a pro body might qualm at strong sex scenes.TV is generally very conservative.

On the other hand...it gives you an instant marketability. It only takes one person to take the risk...stick it on late...start a bit of a buzz and you've got a nicely sized hit on your hands and people remember you as a bit of a maverick.

Follow your heart.

Hi Rendevous,

Thanks for the feedback. Have to be honest not sure I exactly followed everything you said, but it seems like you enjoyed it and thought the writing was good, so that's very positive.

Orwell....yes, in 1984 I studied '1984' at A-level!

When you have a moment, could you just explain the space versus paragraph lines to me, please?

Thanks again,
Thornton

Rendevous....by the way, is there anything of yours you would like me to review in exchange?

Hi Thornton,

There are two of us who read the script and we've been discussing it.
keep in mind that we are not the most experienced writers.

First off - We both found it easy to read and entertaining.

The conversation with her mother is ok, but it feels a bit introductiory.
(drinking all the time --- Papa's been drinking for years.)Is it possible to phrase it differently?
The same with Jerzy(we were lovers once --- Now you're my pimp) That line seems unnecessary, we understood that he was her pimp. and the lovers part is said at the end.

We liked Bill's way of looking at a world record, and i'm guessing we'll see more of him?

She quits at the end? have you written episode 2? Is this a mini-series? the olympics is short backdrop

Hope this was useful. We both liked it.

Regards
Erlend & Marius  -  White Snow