Numbers by Matias Caruso (mr. z) - Short, Sci Fi - Two strangers with claircognizant abilities meet at a bar, learning shocking secrets about each other.  6 pages First Place - Moviepoet's July Contest. - pdf, format 8)


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Nick and Mia meets for the first time. They know nothing about each other and seem to know everything about everyone else. But sometimes the less you know, the better...

So, Z, I guess this is the one that won you your - what? - 50th MP comp? Share the wealth, dude.

Interesting concept and definitely original. Overall I liked it a lot. It took me a little while to get into it but once I got to the payoff I was sold. Very effective. Very sad. It got a little talky halfway through but I understand you had to set up the world and lead into the end.

I wasn't crazy about your description for Stan: A rare blend between "geek" and "cool". I'm really having trouble picturing that. But other than than I have nothing to add - and that's really annoys me. Why do you have to be so damn good?

Good stuff.

Cheers
Rob

PS: What was the theme of the competition?

Z,

Very well written script.  Great flow.  Was this inspired by that Nickelback video with the numbers over everyone's heads?  Not that I like Nickelback.  

Good job

Ryan

Matias

A very imaginative and original concept you have here, great stuff, I could really see it making a wonderful short film. It’s not up for debate at this stage but you really have cracked the hi-concept 5 (or in this case 5 and a bit) pagers, a real flair for brief but intelligent and challenging storytelling. This would be ideal for a fledgling, visually inclined (I suppose they all are at that stage, right) filmmaker to take on and cut their teeth with.

While I've always loved your dialogue, very sharp while remaining natural sounding, some of the prose read a bit awkward at times. While the occasional unfilmable cropped up. For example:

"her mood getting darker." -- This doesn't tell me much, I mean, how do we see someone's mood darken without some body language or facial expression cue?

"He has no clue what she’s talking about." -- I have no clue either what Stan is doing from this line.

"He just watches. Slack-jawed. No clue what to say next." -- You could probably drop the "No clue..." part. The preceding words tell us enough

Although, unlike Sniper I liked the "rare blend between "geek" and "cool"" description, I can picture that.

"The numbers are gone... at least for a while" -- I liked the repetition of this taken from earlier dialogue and incorporated into the prose, nicely done.

Anyway, nit picking aside, I feel with a premise this intriguing and innovative it would be missing the point to dwell on such superfluous details. You packed a great little quasi metaphysical/science fiction story into such few pages here, hats off, sir.

Another thumbs up from me, great work.

Postscript: Oh and please, please, please don’t tell me this was inspired by a bloody Nickleback video...please.

Col.

Thanks for the read, guys.

@Rob: You're right, this one is quite talky. That's what happens when I try to write low budget. I end up with two talking heads in a room. I'll make some sh1t explode next time.  :)

The "theme" of the competition was: "Keep your pages as white as possible; action and dialogue are limited to two lines at a time."

@Ryan: I'm familiar with that music video (very cool, by the way). I was hoping this piece would qualify as a different take on the numbers thingy. If it doesn't, don't tell Rob I'm a hack. That would break his heart.  :)

@Col: Thanks for the detailed review, I really appreciate it as usual. About the unfilmables, I can definitely understand where you're coming from. Sometime ago I felt about them the exact same way you do now.

Then I switched sides, tempted by the dark side. Bert is the one to blame here, mainly, since he always advocated in favor of this kind of sh1t. But who knows, maybe I'l switch sides again in the future.  :)

I dig the concept, at first I felt like you were channeling your inner Frighteners a bit much.
The rookie/mentor dynamic works well here.
**SPOILERS**
I caught you on the number 30 though, the age pattern was too easy to spot.
The 30 thing isn't that obvious, but your set up is so smart, I'm really on my toes.
"$30 doesn't get you much in here, let me buy you a drink."
It ties into the money pattern you already showed us and leads into your next bit.
Something like that is more charming for Stan and veils your intentions better.
I'd like to see more charm from Stan, it makes the coming pain more flavorful.
Stan playing coy as he knows his lie count rises, even acknowledging it somehow.
Strong stuff all around here, good on you! I'd like to know about these characters.

I had to read this twice to understand it; I'm not sure if I could explain it to people, though.

The story pulled me in right away and everything flowed very smoothly.  I had no problem picturing Stan's geek/cool description and Mila was not a problem.

I think this concept could be stretched out into a longer piece.  Maybe Stan has problems with his 'power.'  Maybe he tries to cheat destiny.

Anyway, this was enjoyable.


Phil

Z,

I read this last night and since then I've been trying to come up with something constructive to say.

I don't have much, other than I really enjoyed this and you can really write. Liked the concept, liked the descriptions of the characters, and I didn't have a problem with it being talky. (Why does everyone always comment on that? What are two people in a bar supposed to do?).

I imagine you were under a page constraint for the Movie Poet contest so I completely understand why you ended it the way you did. Now that you're free of that, the only suggestion I would add is something along the lines of what Phil said - to make Stan a bit of "something" near the end - sad, unsure, sympathetic, enlightened, etc. Taking a little bit of time with his reactions there will heighten the drama of the ending.

Great work -

Matias,

Definetely a fan of your work. This piece might be my fave I've read. I love the dark overtone.

If I really have to dig, I would say my only problem would be with Stan hitting on her so quick. Thought he would be fascinated to know more, finally meeting someone like himself. His character seems to become suave instantly. Knowing she can see the numbers go up above his head, yet lying to her about getting her drunk and hitting on her.

I definitely think this short could use a couple more pages. If they could talk about something besides the numbers for a brief moment. Find a connection other then it. Then the clock strikes twelve. As it is, it's all they have in common. Lacks a bit of passion.

So there, take that. Trying to find something i don't like about your scripts is extremely difficult. Loved it. You create worlds.. Fun to dive into.

James

Glad you ejoyed this, guys. Thanks a lot. I agree with your suggestions about expanding this to flesh out the characters and their relationship. I had to spend so much time explaining the rules that there wasn't much room left for anything else. Now that the contest is over, I've got no excuse.  :)

Quoted from Electric Dreamer "$30 doesn't get you much in here, let me buy you a drink." It ties into the money pattern you already showed us and leads into your next bit.

This is a quite clever and very interesting alternative. I'll have it in mind. I might even steal it.  :)

Very enjoyable.

Definitely has the legs for a longer piece, not just a longer short...a feature.

Be interesting to see the different factions and see how they exploit or use their gifts.

Slight criticisms:

It's a bit talky. That's unavoidable at this length as you have to shovel in so much exposition because of the subject. However it would still be nice to see a slower, more organic build to the scene.

Also, it's not massively cinematic. Talking heads in a bar. Easily produceable which is a bonus, but the concept seems to demand a more visually compelling scenrio imo.

Rick.

Quoted from Mr.Z This is a quite clever and very interesting alternative. I'll have it in mind. I might even steal it.  :)

I'm pleased you find my babble of interest.
Feel free to steal, though I encourage you to exceed my paltry ramblings. ;)

I love your writing style, Matias, and your concepts are consistently fresh, thoughtful and interesting. But the more I read your scripts, the more I feel like there's something to be desired. They always seem to be pieces of larger puzzles. That's not to say they're not complete and functional. They are. It's almost as if they're the moment in a feature where everything is introduced or comes together. But either way, I'm left unsatisfied. You've made way for a number of opportunities with the different figures and patterns these characters are seeing. I think you should try to pursue it further. I'd like to see what kind of patterns the drifter adapts to and more about how seeing these numbers affect both characters in their everyday lives. I liked the moment where he lies and she simply smiles. You've opened up too many doors just to leave off.

Basically, what I'm saying is I enjoyed the script but I wish you'd write more features. Or at least longer, denser shorts.

Another brilliant job Matias, Still kicking ass over at Movie Poet I see.

I liked this a lot, for a 5 pager it did a great job of creating an unusual world and yet making it work so well. It was nice that it was never fully resolved, in that I mean there are a couple of things left open to interpretation. I am assuming that as soon as he mentioned her age she knew what it meant, but that is not necessarily the case I guess.

Anyway, nothing to fault at all, nothing really constructive to say either, It would be like teaching my Gran how to suck an egg.

Nice one.

Quoted from James McClung But the more I read your scripts, the more I feel like there's something to be desired.

Welcome to the club.  :)

Quoted from James McClung I'd like to see what kind of patterns the drifter adapts to and more about how seeing these numbers affect both characters in their everyday lives.

That’s a good suggestion. It would give my characters more character, so to speak. Thanks for reading.

Quoted from Murphy I am assuming that as soon as he mentioned her age she knew what it meant

Yeah, that’s correct. She met a Reaper once, so she knew how much longer she had to live. That’s why she was drinking her brain off near midnight (something she did every midnight since she found out, I assume).

Thank you Murphy, glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Matias,

I don’t have much to add here, as I thought this was very good.  Very imaginative, and it read really quick.   I did have one question below regarding the numbers.

P. 1

“Numbers reflect off Stan’s glasses as he strolls along.”

Just curious here, cause I think this is a really cool visual that you’ve set up, but if they can be seen reflecting off of Stan’s glasses, wouldn’t others be able to see them?

As some others have said, I think this concept has legs and you should consider expanding it.  As Phil mentioned, maybe he falls for Mila and tries to cheat destiny.  I dunno, sure you can come up with something more creative, but this was a really cool idea.  Best of luck.

CR

Quoted from Craiger6 Just curious here, cause I think this is a really cool visual that you’ve set up, but if they can be seen reflecting off of Stan’s glasses, wouldn’t others be able to see them?

Only Stan and Mila can see the numbers, but you're correct, this visual kind of "violates" one of the rules of this world. I was hoping nobody would notice, but you did, didn't you?  :)

Thanks for the read and comments, Craiger. Much appreciated.

Why don't you turn it into a feature?

Not sure if the concept has enough legs for a feature but, since many posters are suggesting that, I'm not discarding this possibility.

(I'm already working on features based on other ideas, though)

Sure it does, because it's not about the numbers, it's about young Stan Skywalker and his soon to be short lived mentor Obiwan Mila.

And their quest to stop the do-gooder Darth Reaper running around carelessly telling everyone their number.
But we eventually find out he's a tortured soul. A product of horrible circumstances.
Of course, he's Stan's father.

;D

Quoted from Mr.Z Only Stan and Mila can see the numbers, but you're correct, this visual kind of "violates" one of the rules of this world. I was hoping nobody would notice, but you did, didn't you?  :) Thanks for the read and comments, Craiger. Much appreciated.

Well, I'd keep it in either way, cause' like I said, it's def. a cool visual.

As far as expanding this puppy.  The people demand it!

Intriguing, concise, intelligent and elegant. Inspirational. I wanna write like that!

I smiled at James McClung's sense of frustration. To leave your audience wanting more?
What an accolade!

Thanks for the read and the kind words, cartertaylor. They mean a lot.

Hey Matias.

Enough said I think. Nothing more to add apart from my own thanks for allowing me to read it and congrats on your MP win.

Great story, great work...just great!

Best.

Martin.

I've read it again. You changed it a little and I wonder why. I'd probably like (mildly said) this version just the same but I compared the two (held them both on screen and literary went by page) and think the original one is better. Punchier. Love both, it's just that one is even better:)
To compare was a good learning by the way!

Glad you enjoyed it, Martin. Thanks for checking this out.

And yeah, I did a quick pass khamanna, touched a few things. Nothing essential. Yet I somehow managed to screw it up a little bit. That takes talent.  ;D

Ive been on this site reading many scripts. This is certainly among the best I have read!

I don't have much to say.

I do wish Stan was a slightly stronger character. I feel you could develop him a little more. Even Mila could be slightly stronger.I really enjoyed this script. It most certainly caught my intention, and warranted several reads. Thanks for providing us with a great story!

You know what would have been cool, to see the conversation with the reaper and Mila. But Mila doesn't know what pattern he sees until he reveals the numbers of days left in her life at the end of their conversation. To go from a conversation with such a high (the meeting of two people who see numbers) to finding out when you are going to die. That'd be very interesting to watch.

But back to my original statement, I love this story! Clearly it has me thinking.

Thanks a lot for the read and your thoughts, jcolon2. I'm flattered you liked it so much.  :)

very gripping, very interesting concept, just... very good.  that's all i can say.  This is in no way speaking down to your script, but with the type of sci-fi movies that come out, this can easily be expanded into a feature.  it works really well as a short, but I want more.

Appreciate the feedback, Conz. Thanks very much.

Has been filmed.


  

Nick and Mia meets for the first time. They know nothing about each other and seem to know everything about everyone else. But sometimes the less you know, the better...

Nicely filmed. Good job.

Yes. Very good. Good enough for a cinema. Had more plot and ideas than a lot of movies I've seen lately.

Frankly makes me sick. I don't need the competition. As Vidal said 'I die a little inside when one of my friends is successful."

Fine work by all. Have you thought of moving on from writing and taking up accountancy or gardening, Mr. Z? Farming or locksmithery, maybe. Baking?

Makes it all look so easy.

R

An Argentinian writer, a Czech director, a Korean movie. ;)

I love seeing good short scripts filmed so professionally.

The lack of farm animals let it down, in my humble.

They have numbers too.

R

I liked it, nicely filmed.

I remember reading this back in the day and loving it.

Thankfully, the film does it justice. The location really added to the atmosphere and concept too, great job all around.

A standout moment for me was when when it turned midnight, he looks at the girl and we only hear the number changing as opposed to actually seeing it, wonderfully deft touch.

You should be proud.

From Matias' facebook page:

Good news! A short script I wrote back in the day has been shot, premiered at Cannes, and seems to be doing well in the festival circuit. Bad news! The filmmaker never contacted me, took possessory credit, and there's no mention of the writer. Anyhow, film looks cool, so I wanted to share. Hat tip to Paul de Vrijer; thanks to him I know this thing exists.

:(

I thought I saw his name on the end credits. I would look again but I can't be arsed as I'm sure I'm right. This isn't necessarily the case. But I am.

R

Yep, you're right. The credit is there.

That's happened to one of my short films recently... not heard a thing back from them. I know they were actually making it as I had one of the applying actresses contact me by mistake believing I was producing it. I even sent an email to ask how things were going but nothing back. They were quick enough to answer when asking my permission to use it though.

I don't want to start a debate about credit here. But I'll throw in my tuppence.

Lots of people are quick to contact writers. They are nearly always slow to pay. Or even give credit. They want answers quick and have documents to sign, people to see. Things to say and do.

I think the only sound advice to give is: be slow to respond. Think before you act. And find out as much as you can about the (proposed) film maker before you do anything. And don't sign or agree anything until you're completely happy.

Most of us aren't in the same league or boat as Mr. Z. Few would argue his skill. Only fools there tread.

I'm not entirely sure of the full story here as Mr. Z rarely wanders this way of late. So I'll leave it there.

Either way, a fine script turned into a fine short.

[insert sheep/key/cake here]

R

Just read the script. Very nice job. Subtle, you build some nice tension. It moves along. Agree it has a lot of potential to be turned into a feature. It feels a little like a scene as is but it works.

Also congrats on getting it filmed. Just watched it. The short is great. Done well. Very much enjoyed it.

Glad you enjoyed the film, folks. There was indeed a credits issue at first, but it's already been solved. Thanks for watching. :)

Great flow, easy to create a character in my mind for the protagonist.  Got lost a bit in the second act, just didn't buy into the problem.  Thanks for posting and congrats on filming.