Tower of Babel by Christopher Bohlsen (kurisuborosen) - Short, Drama - Anne Green is a journalist investigating the death of Cassandra Ryan. As she goes about her investigation, she leaves a mark on evryone she encounters. And they all leave marks on her. 19 pages - pdf, format 8)

---

WAITRESS
Yeah. She worked here. Why?

Since the waitress asks "why" in her next line, an alternative line for this one could simply be:

"Yeah, she used to work here."

---

ANNE
I’m Anne Green, a journalist.

I'm probably being nick-picky, but maybe Anne should state which magazine comp she works for.

---

ANNE
I don’t think that attitude is
helping you very much.

MRS. RYAN
Do you?
(beat)
Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

I don't think these lines are needed. Having Anne begin  with "Look, I'm trying to help you." can accomplish the same feeling.

Also, I get that Ryan is upset, but she curses a bit toooo much here. =P

---

Finished

This is was a good read. Fast paced and yje action/descriptions were excellent. The dialogue was decent. It could have been better, in my opinion -- a little tighter -- but it wasn't bad at all and it did a good job establishing the characters and moving the story forward, which is what dialogue is supposed to do.

I thought Anne was a great character and good for her for sticking up for her values. However... I didn't fully understand the ending. Is Anne going to report on the hospital death? But isn't she, by that point, technically unemployed? I also don't understand have the title relates to what happened in the story... but then again, I'm not exactly Einstein, so the deeper meaning was probably lost on me, heh.

Nonetheless, you clearly have a lot of writing potential. Like I said before, you descriptions are great and you have the basic skills needed to tell a story. Keep it up.

Thank you for the positive response.  In hindsight, I actually agree that Mrs. Ryan swears far too much and I let that get away from me a little.  I think dialogue is my weakest point as a witer and I'm trying to fix that.

Stating which magazine she works for is probably a good idea and makes a lot of sense.  It didn't even cross my mind.

As for the ending, it's not important specifically what Anne is going to do.  What's more important is that she continues being a journalist, thereby keeping her values intact.

Thanks again.