Bulla Felix: King of Thieves by Jasper Burns - Action, Adventure - The story of Bulla Felix, the Roman Robin Hood. 1000 years before the English outlaw, he robbed from the rich, gave to the poor, and defied an emperor. 89 pages - pdf, format 8)

Just couldn't get into this at all, sorry. Gave it 10 pages. Your dialouge is very unnatural and wordy. you are telling the story instead of showing it. Your descriptions are also overly wordy. Break them up, use action words and stick to the present tense.

Don't use things like 'staggering from hunger'. You're back to telling us the story. You obviously did a bit of research on this subject. I suggest you read over similar scripts in the same genre and get a handle on how they are written and structured. i'm guessing you have already used Gladitor as a starting template.

Hey, thanks for your honest and very helpful post! I will take it to heart and start over.

No, I did not use Gladiator or any other script as a template. I am an author of nonfiction and some fiction and, as you could certainly tell, have not read a lot of scripts. This screenplay was a desperate attempt to do something I'd love to do without having the time to learn how to do it properly (I was "down-sized" last January). Hopefully, that opportunity will come my way in the future.

The movie unfolded majestically in my imagination as I wrote the script, but I will have to find out how to make that experience available to others. I do think it is an amazing story and hope to do it justice someday.

Again, thanks for taking the time to share your knowledge.

Writing a script is not like writing a short story or novel. There is alot of technical know how you need to master it order to SHOW, rather than tell your story. The vast majority of people who tackle their first script fall into this trap. You have to get into a whole different mind set. As I'm finding out myself, before you even commit pen to paper, or cursor to screen, you need to do alot of planning. Stick with it though and stay around the boards. People are here to help.  Might I suggest trying a few shorts to find your way around a script first then once your writing gets up to speed tackling a feature. Thats where I'm at myself.

Good advice!  Thanks!

If you (or anyone else) are still there and willing to comment, I've spent some time reading scripts - most significantly "Troy", by David Benioff (which mangle Homer but is quite effective, IMO) - and have given it another go.

http://www.jasperburns.com/Bulla-Felix-JASPER-BURNS.pdf

I took your comments about dialogue and "showing" rather than "telling" the story to heart and did a thorough rewrite.

I want to learn how to put this story across because I think it has a lot going for it:

1)     It highlights a pivotal moment in British (and European) history

2)     It introduces one of the most intriguing personalities of ancient times.

3)     The lead role is a plum for the right actor – action, romance, comedy, disguise, and impersonation.

Thanks for any comments!