Saving Satan - Episode 1 by Malcom McKenzie - Series, Psychological Thriller - Former head of psychology and life long sceptic of the supernatural, Paul Aiken joins forces with the spirit of Malcolm Travis against religious zealots who stand in the way of mankind’s evolution. 47 pages - pdf, format 8)

Hi guys,

This is not the latest version of this and this copy has a number of mistakes that have been rectified in the latest edition. With luck Don, or one of the Mods will replace this when they get a chance.

The one on page 40 is such a doozy I've a good mind to leave it in.

I hope it doesn't ruin your read.

Malcolm

Thank's guys, appreciate that.

Regards

Malcolm

The spirit of Malcolm Travis?  The drummer from Human Sexual Response?

All kidding aside, I read about ten pages of this and I have absolutely no idea what is going on.  I know that people are getting killed out in the street and that someone is playing with reality, but I am completely lost with it.  The characters aren't interesting enough for me to keep going.  You're going to have to explain things a little better a little earlier.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Title caught me beady eye. Speaking of which, is that Liam thing out yet? The nearest shop is ten mile away. Is it October yet? Where am I? When it does it'll be Goin Off Big Time. We can hope.

Then now what? Doesn't Prequel lack 'a's? Maybe it's me. Tis Friday night you know.

Ah, we have another horror. Seems to be the favourite. Mind you, with that title a comedy drama might have been a stretch too far.

Unlike Phil 'Hope This Helps' Doggler I can tell what's going on. I've often wondered what dear old Leeds would be like on fire. It usually is after they lose at footy on a Saturday.

Er, rambling. Back to the plot.

I think you could lose the 'Close' / 'End Sequence' type business. This is a screenplay script, not a shooting one. It'd make read better without it. So they say. I think they're right. When you read pro ones, few have that typa stuff in.

Reminded me a lot of 28 Days Later and the like. Not necessarily a bad thing.

I can see what the former sock meant now I'm on page 7. I'd say you need more character descriptions so a reader can work out who's what when. If you know what I mean. Few do.

Maybe it's cos I'm drunk again but I am also lost now. Got past page ten then reread. I'm sure this is clear in your head but I'm not getting it. I have to agree with the ex sock here. Sorry Malc. I may try again when I'm sober. At the moment I'd say it may even be before Christmas. This year, obviously. Well, I say that.

L&P

R

Phil,

Firstly, thanks for having a look and sorry you couldn't get past page 10. I have to admit I'm not one bit surprised you didn't know what was going on in the beginning, that was entirely intentional. I was going for something a little different.

As for the characters, Ian, Sandra, and Emilly were always meant to be somewhat 2 dimensional - unreal. They were Malcolm Travis's interpretation of a possible furure. However, if the same can also be said of Paul and his team, then I did fail.

RV,
Also, thanks for having a look. Yeah you pretty much got the mood I was going for, but looks like I kept it going for a little too long for your taste. I have played with the opening sequences a great deal and even thrown in the odd piece of direction, something I never do. In this case however, I wanted the reader to see what I saw, so took a few liberties.

I knew when I put this version of the script up (there are a few) that it wouldn't catch everyone's eye. My wife absolutely hated it. Never a bad thing.

For the moment, I'm still going to run with it and hope that the first episode is just interesting enough to keep people interested for the second episode that has a lot of action sequences.

Thanks' for the help guys. Always apreciated and always returned. Just PM me if you want something read.

Regards

Malcolm

Quoted from malcolm3 I have to admit I'm not one bit surprised you didn't know what was going on in the beginning, that was entirely intentional. I was going for something a little different.

You still have to give us something to work with.  People don't like running around blind.

Quoted from malcolm3 As for the characters, Ian, Sandra, and Emilly were always meant to be somewhat 2 dimensional - unreal. They were Malcolm Travis's interpretation of a possible furure. However, if the same can also be said of Paul and his team, then I did fail.

The problem with this is that, if readers don't care about the characters, they won't care about what happens to them.

Maybe you're trying some experimental thing, but I didn't stick around long enough to find out.  If you want to continue this as a series,. you have to pull the readers in ASAP.



Phil

Phil,

Can't disagree with you on anything there. Unfortunately the opening sequences were all about graphic imagery; jarring pictures that wouldn't necessarily follow a logical course until the story unfolded.

The problem I had with it was either add another 5 pages to give more background and description, or use more direction, both of which I couldn't do. The characters in the opening sequences must remain flat.

The first 10 were always going to be a problem, hence several versions of it. That's why I put it up. The feed back you get on this site is always helpful and believe me, I've never had a script give me so much trouble.

Conversely, the 2nd episode pretty much wrote itself.

Thank's

Malcolm