The Snake, With Strings Attached by Leonard Stevenson - Short, Drama - A son must save a mother at all costs, by any means. 13 pages - pdf, format 8)

Leonard,
I wanted to chime in on your script. I have mixed emotions on it and I will explain why.  I don’t know how many scripts you have written, or even read for that matter but this is not the point I want to get at first.

Your dialogue is good. Actually, in my opinion, it is very good. Your script structure needs some work. But first the dialogue.  I see you are from Cape Town South Africa.  I have been to Africa several times and when I read your style of writing, it is dead on to the nuance and style of African dialect.  And I mean it is perfect.

I don’t want this mis-understood by those who read this either. I have met people from all over the world who try and take their native style and put it to paper and it doesn’t work.

Like a guy from New York who tries to write with a new your accent.  One in a thousand can do it. You nailed it.  I will be disappointed if I do not see more of your writing here.

Drop the things on the script that you do not need to be shown on a spec script.  The (cont) on every page, the scene numbers.

Also keep a lookout for words in your action lines like “and” and “is”.  These are known as ORPHANS. They do nothing to help a action line, only to dilute it.  Here is an example.

From your script:
Thursday. Nicholas’ mother just lies still now, breathing
once and so often. Phillis is standing beside Nicholas who
is sitting. Phillis places her hand on his shoulder.

Instead might read:

SUPER: THURSDAY
Nicolas sits, Phillis stands besides him, her hand on his shoulder.  Both watch over his mother as she lies still, fighting to catch her breath.

See how much cleaner it reads. The action lines should read quickly and clean. It is in the dialogue lines you let your personality shine.  

I liked the story a lot. You tell it well but the real gem here is in your style.  Work on it.

Shawn…..><

Repeating a few things Led said here, as he got in before me, so please forgive that.

Leonard, you’ve got a nice idea here (there's a lyrical quality here unique to the setting, the characters.  It’s a  little scant on plot and perhaps reads as part of a bigger picture but, there’s something here and imo it has potential, but the writing needs improving upon.

Some awkward phrasing – spell and punct. in particular.
Proof reading your script is vital.
Watch your spelling (example: character of Phillis) – sometimes one ‘l’ sometimes not.
DR SILVA ‘You’re wasting my time and mine’ – assume you mean ‘your time and mine’ – there are unfort. quite a few careless mistakes like this in your script. ‘tears on he face’ etc. watch out for these.

Are you of non-English speaking background? – If so well done, but get somebody with a firm grasp of the English language to proof read your work for/with you. If I’m wrong and you do speak English as your first language I don’t mean to be patronizing but, once again, watch your spelling and punct.

It’s not really necessary to list wardrobe i.e. somebody wears a grey shirt/yellow shirt etc. unless you’re going for some symbolism and it’s integral to your script.

Scene numbers are not necessary in a spec. script

You should add SUPERIMPOSE or TITLE OVER where text or image is intended over footage i.e. when putting in the day of the week and date.

Some quite nice irony and humour with the scene between Nicholas and Sinbad – interesting choice of name for a priest – and the fact he eats a cheeseburger…

Lastly watch out for lazy ‘tell’ descriptions, as in the following: ‘beside themselves with grief’. ‘Show’ us through your character’s action, dialogue, movement and interactions  instead of ‘telling us’ the reader, what is happening.

Keep at it. :)

Oh dear. I'm following Lc and Led again. People will talk. Ah well, they do that anyway. The only thing worse than being talked about is... er, a red hot poker up the jucksy? I forget.

Title always means a lot. Hence my presence. And it's not even Christmas. Well, not yet.

Er, oh yeah, the script. I knew I was typing for some proper reason.

Trust me no-one cares what draft it is. And if they do don't tell them. Well, you can but not on the title page. I learned that one the hard way.

Woah, SA. Do you know Blomkamp? Ah shucks. Worth a try. The world is finally smiling on your place. 'Bout bloody time too. Everyone needs a little help.

Now when. Oh yeah. Pardon me, I do like to drag me reviews out. Just like the corpses on a Staurday morning, Er, I'm using metaphor. Oh dear.

L & L were right on a lot of points. You got summat going on here. When it started I thought "Oh". After a few lines I thought "Ahh". You got something. As I said earlier, the world is smiling on your place. Now Peter has put Neill on the map the film indiustry is looking hard at your country.

This was frighteningly good -

Quoted from TS, WSA Gunshots ring outside, the pair ignore them.

One of the best lines I've read in months. It tells us everything we need to know about locale, situation and attitude. Sir, I salute thee.

I'm gonna read the rest later. If you wanna know more PM me.

I think the previous posters' advices summed up most of it.

Keep it going fella.

R xo