The God Habitat by Charles Darwin - Sci Fi, Thriller - A group of teenagers are unlawfully sent to an uninhabited island where the government has found a way for humans to interact with God, Satan, demons and people of the bible.  135 pages - pdf, format 8)

Is your name really Charles Darwin?

Lol, yes but it is my first and middle name.

Need a slug or maybe Insert shot to start off, not just the writing.

Formally doesnt need to be capped, and you're missing comas in the dialogue.

Columbine should be capped, and I would introduce the girl before she has dialogue.  "in the crowd sits ___, jaded by life whatever."

I would put quotes around the parts he's saying that everyone is supposed to repeat, but that's just me.  Just something to indicate that its not just him talking.  Also seems a little hard to buy the teacher going along with a satanic ritual, especially helping out.  Maybe they suggest he not do it and he calms her.
shakes his head in detest?  you're using the word wrong.

Good opening scene, I think you need to make it a bit more believable with the teacher, and maybe have one student walk out before, but I could see it being nice and creepy.

p7 see's should be sees.  several other typos I didnt mention.  And an extra space between scenes would prevent baltis from blowing a gasket.  (and make your script read better)

It's whoopie goldberg, not whoppie.  And I dont know what that means anyways.

My Space.com is not a slug.

You say jakes mom is 'always' doing this and that.  This is unfilmable, just tell us what shes doing then, which you do.

isle is island, you mean aisle, p 17

You dont need to say unidentified room.  just room.

"Secretary of defense by the way."  another unfilmable.  These kinda cutesy asides take away from the story and arent appropriate.

the great in alexander the great s/b capital

why is there a marine in the briefing room?  This point in the stories kinda falling apart for me.  Yea so mitochondria dont change, so you can trace ancestry, perfect.  then suddenly you're cloning dead people?  that doesnt make sense.  Then another leap to suddenly they're creating satan?  what?  plus satan being an fallen angel, how would that connect with human dna?  or hes a computer program, which is fine, but then how is it suddenly, 'the real satan?"
I'm fine with making up science to suit your needs, but this just isnt quite pulling it off on any level.

Hahahah, then you take us totally out of the story by giving the reader instructions.  way bad news there buddy.  you coulda just described it, and most people would take the initiative, but you just totally pissed on the fourth wall here for no reason.

And the whole military/scientist crap makes no sense.  What are they trying to accomplish.  You make is sound like theyre sending a buncha people in to rescue the missing kids.  Why would they give a damn about a few kids, they already were sued and everything.  move on.

And Darwin is a cool name and all (I have a character named Darwin)  but A. Seems kinda obvious considering your plot and talking about evolution, and B. naming a character after yourself just seems sad.

And at page 23 I'm throwing in the towel.  
Biggest issues you have:  Too much exposition, too many unfilmables.  "Tech, a wild drinking buddy?"  what?  
Unbelievable plot.  And by that I dont mean the God habitat idea, I can buy into that otherwise I wouldnt read your script.  But all the people around that craziness need to be real people, who operate with human logic and have human goals.  Neither the scientist or 'secretary of state' have either.  
Plenty of typos, puncuation off, etc.  All these distract from the story.
Dialog could use some movement away from the nose area too.

And I'm sure the bit with sri lanka comes back later, but in the meantime it just seems irrelevent and confusing.

On the plus side the main character is alright, and the opening scene could be pretty good.  The whole 'having a crush on the hot girl' thing is a little played out, but w/e.

Anyways, I would read some other peoples stuff to figure out what you're doing wrong, and that will help you get comments too.  Good luck with it.

Hey Jackx thanks for reading I appreciate it. I just like to point some things out to you.

First off It doesn't say in the story that Jake's mom is always doing this and that. Its says Jake's mom is always trying to multitask too many things at once.

Jackx you're killing me lol!!!! In the story mitochrondria DNA is used in cell division to recreate past sequences of DNA, meaning the DNA of people who already lived before us through mitochondria. The mitochondria that's in you is the same of you're ancestors that lived before you. This is all used to create a special human egg cell.

Jackx you state that you don't know how the story went to creating Satan. Well it clearly states in this scene that The God habitat was orginally created to restart the human race according to the bible, so  that means that you need two humans( an Adam&Eve type) a God who makes them, and Satan(Which would be the serpent. Ever heard that story before? That's why they would create Satan. And as far as Satan being connected to human DNA you're not suppose to know yet at this point in the story, that is the whole point. You're trying to figure out and predict the whole story before it's time.  

And the whole military/scientist cr** makes no sense.  What are they trying to accomplish.  You make is sound like theyre sending a buncha people in to rescue the missing kids.  Why would they give a damn about a few kids, they already were sued and everything.  move on.

JACKX!!!! they are not sending people into the habitat to rescue anyone. They are trying to get into the habitat period.  You have to be selected by the program(Satan) to enter so they think that because Jake and his class did the experiment with Satan that he will select them. So they want to send the kids there against their will to get someone inside.

You probably still don't understand, and that is exactly the point of the whole scene. Eli(The scientist as you say) is not being completely honest with the information that he's giving the Secretary of Defense. He's trying to talk alot of confusing science and religious jargon to get the government to back his team into geting into the God habitat. The secretary of Defense clearly says that he believes there is more to the situation than what's been giving to him.







  

Hmmm.  Ill re explain.
I know that you say the mom is 'always trying to multitask.'  That's exactly my point.  
That is unfilmable.  How do we know, from seeing what's on screen, that she ALWAYS does anything?  All we (the audience) see is what is happening in front of us.  So by all means say "His mom is simultaneously cleaning and talking and making his lunch, etc".  But saying she "always" does anything is like saying "His mom is cleaning the house.  She did the same thing yesterday and the day before."  How do we know that from watching her clean?  You get what I mean by unfilmable?  Any statement that is not actually happening in front of us.  

And the mitochondria, yes I understand the dna of the mitochondria is the same throughout history, but that's not the same thing as having the dna of all past and present people within it.  It just means a particular sequence out of every human dna strand is the same.  but i think we share about 90 percent of our dna with monkeys, that doesnt mean cloning us would make a monkey.
But like I said, you can make up whatever science you want in this kinda story, you just have to make it passable to average joe, and I think you have a bit to go.

Also you do a much nicer job explaining it in this post.  Where in the script does it say they recreated an adam, and an eve, then made up a fake god and satan?  You say that clearly in your post, and you kinda weave around it in the script, but its not clear.
And that's still not getting from a computer program to the actual satan.

Same with everything else, you can get all excited and explain it in your post, but I guarantee anyone that reads that script will have the same issues.  You have a very specific and interesting vision here, which I would bet has been rattling around your brain for awhile.  You need to understand that someone reading this script is coming to it blank, without any understanding of this world other than what you explain to them through the movie.

I'm not criticizing your script because I'm a great screenwriter or anything, I'm criticizing it because as an intelligent person (who is in fact familiar with biblical stories AND the science of dna) I am unable to get into the story.
Good luck with it.

I'm not an expert in formatting, so i wont go there. But the story is not bad. I didn't see the sciencey stuff though, apart from satellite systems and mapping the children's neuro path ways during their experience. Should finish soon. Still around page 50.

Quoted from cbass Jackx you're killing me lol!!!! In the story mitochrondria DNA is used in cell division to recreate past sequences of DNA, meaning the DNA of people who already lived before us through mitochondria. The mitochondria that's in you is the same of you're ancestors that lived before you. This is all used to create a special human egg cell.

A point of clarification for you, cbass.

You are correct on some of your assumptions regarding mitochondrial DNA, but what you missed somewhere along the line is that mitochondrial DNA codes for the mitochondria itself.  The mitochondria is a kind of cell that has its own DNA -- that is, it carries the DNA to make more mitochondria when the cell divides -- but not everything you need to make a human.

Oddly, the mitochondria are almost a form of parasite, albeit a very useful one that makes life possible.  Exactly where mitochondrial DNA arose is something of a mystery.  Some say it came from space, piggy-backed on an asteroid, which is kind of cool to think about.

This may or may not effect your choice to use it as a device in your script.  Just sayin'.

Thanks Bola for reading that much of my script, and thanks bert for more of the info on mitochondria. My intentions were to try to combine science and religion together in a way different from the Dan Brown stories. Maybe the idea was too complicated for me to handle.