Bum Travel by Michael Taylor (Qualeman4080) - Short, Comedy - One lucky bum takes a ride through space and time, learning a valuable lesson. 8 pages - pdf, format 8)

This makes absolutely no sense to me? Your opening page alone, has what I consider to be, alot of unfilmables.

Outta all the titles in all the world...

My arse tends to follow me legs around. Anyway, unfilmables? My favourite.

So, fond of quales?

Classic opening dialogue. I think I know where we're going here.

I get where you're going with slo mo and all that but there's better ways of doing it. Direct camera directions, especially early in a script are pretty much a no no. Especially with this title. Unless you're taking the piss. Which is perfectly possible, if not passable.

This is all tell not show. While some don't mind I do. I may have to stop reading to watch night fall again soon. The grass grows a bit too slow round here for me.

With the 100 / 300 you're way off. Maybe a SUPER title would work but it'd be lazy as hell. This comes across more as a short story than a screenplay.

Best advice I can give is read more. Screenplays and How To. Personally I ain't Denny Laine but How Not To Write A Screenplay taught me way more than Goldman, Field and McKee ever did.

Keep doing it. You never know.

R xo

where does Walter see this briefcase full of cash. It just kind of appears.

He knocks him out and throws money on him. Haha!! Okay, I HOPE there is a logical explanation for all of this.

How do we know the robots are servants?

"I have all 10 senses"  "Yeah, me too" Hahahaaa! He said that with no hesitation. Too funny.

I don't know what "CU" means.

"Multiplicity"! Haha! You are sooo random, and I think you know it.

I always try and find the comedy in everyone one that I read. I found a few funny bits in yours, but overall, this went completely over my head. No matter how funny you are, you have to have a solid story. Random events don't make movies. I didn't get anything that was going on except that he ate meatloaf and he time traveled.

The ending came absolutely out of nowhere. It was the most random ending I think I've read in months. Why did he shout that at himself? Because it reminded him of the movie? I think so... Why did he even have a twin?

So random... I'll read the other reviews. Maybe you already responded.  

Its not supposed to really make sense its just kind of random stuff that would happen if a crazy bum traveled incrementally further through time every bite he takes.  Its just a weird short that you kind of have to use your imagination to see why things are happening.

Thanks for the comments.

You wrote this too, Qualeman?! :D

Okay, I am not even being sarcastic, but I am really starting to like your work. It's like, you're an insane man writing screenplays. What is wrong with you? And I mean that all in a good way. Why do you think of the things you think of?!

Multiplicity! Why did he yell that? I'm still laughing over that right now.

I say direct them yourself. This is obviously your style so you are the only one fit to show us this vision on screen.

Post more of your work. I'm slowly catching on to your style of comedy.  

The thing about random is - it's the easiest thing to come up with something like that.

A bum - he does or says something that makes no sense - we laugh... but I do think that a story should have either beginning and end or beginning, middle and end. To keep me engaged. If you have random going for 8 pages - it drags (for me). Plus it's really easy.

Coming up with stuff as I write - I walk past a bum, he holds on to his belongings a threat in his glare - that's kind of funny.

And yes, it was funny. The ending "multiplicity" is very funny. But I remember watching a movie which made me laugh (take The Men That Stare At Goats) and made no sense - at the end watching it seemed like waste of time. ...and maybe it's a new style, and I'm a square, novelty stifler:) - you never know.

It started with a very informal sentence. I keep away from informal, I found out that people don't like it.

Good luck with your writing.

I think you have a really interesting imagination.  

I agree with the other posters on some of the technical problems but that can be learned.  

The advice of checking How Not to Write a Screenplay is great advice indeed.  It helped me more than anything.

Good luck to you in your future writing.  Like I said, very interesting imagination.  I'll check out more of your stuff when I find it as I'm new on this site.