Toe Doctor by Michael Taylor (Qualeman4080) - Short, Comedy - Three friends on their way to a nice dinner get interrupted by a rude toe doctor.  5 pages - pdf, format 8)

Qualeman4080...

I had to read this twice, not because it was funny either.  It was five pages and I wanted to make sure I didn't miss nothing.  And I didn't.  To be honest, you really don't have a story here.

So many mistakes, felt like you rushed through this, didn't think the whole thing out.

I thought the conversation at the house was just silly.  Matter of fact it was confusing.  I'd work on tightening up your writing.

"There headed to one of their favorite restaurants on a Saturday night?  You're telling, not showing.

"He heads strait for the trailer and heads strait into the nice two-story house living room."  I think you mean "Straight."  You have a lot of this going on.

Maybe I missed the point, but this is JMO.  Others might think this is pretty darn funny.

Good Luck

Ghostwriter

My friend,

I stopped right here on your script.

Neil stomps on the gas and veers off the road through a
fence. The passengers are holding on and the music is
somehow louder. Neil sees a trailer that is set up like a
ramp then looks to Mike, but he’s to busy being instantly
pregnant. He heads strait for the trailer and heads strait
into a nice two story house living room.


You win! I'm clueless!

I am at a complete loss for words on what this is , and what the script is supposed to mean.

I didn't understand it up that point, and then this? Ghostwriter, I owe you a steak for reading this TWICE.

Sorry, I'm inclined to think this might be a pisser.

Just my take!

Shawn.....><

Were you high when you wrote this? It's not so much that it is bad, more that it's just so odd and random. Curious as to what you were going for.

Cheers,
Tim.

I think you were going for something like Tim and Eric: Great Job... if you were than this kind of works for a goofy short, if it isn't like the show then I'm a little afraid.

I thought the Old Man's reveal in the final scene was very funny. Same with the random questions about his hot under aged daughter.

A suggestion would be easing into the weirdness as the story starts, show people that it isn't a goof and build from there.

A lot of formatting errors that could be fixed pretty quickly. Despite the issues, I actually did think that overall this was pretty funny.
Nate

You closed on Oldman. Maybe you should start with him too - it seems like it was his story. Or close on them to make it their story. Otherwise it's in the middle, no way to stick with someone in particular.

You need to establish how old the friends are. They could be from 16-40 for all we know.

"They are headed to one of their favorite restaurants on a Saturday night." We don't know that they are heading to a restaurant or that it is Saturday. Non of that is relevant to the script at the moment so you can cut it out and save space.

I thought Leah was a guy. If they have questionable names you need to establish their gender, or say "He does something" so we know. This all goes in the beginning when you introduce your characters for the first time.

"Look at this guy, "TOO" rich"

Haha, why did he take his wallet and throw it at him?!! Haha!

How did they end up on a second floor? They drove through a living room.

Haha, this was very strange. I'm not sure if you were serious when you wrote it or what, but at least it was entertaining. IT needs A LOT of work, because frankly it doesn't make sense. And not in a comedic tone kind of way, but in pace. The script is so random, I don't think it would attract an audience. But again, it was entertaining.

If you have chance, give my new script a read. "Z Relief"

"Neil sees a trailer that is set up like a ramp then looks to Mike, but he’s to busy being instantly pregnant."

That's the sentence of the year right there.  Really wish I knew WTF it meant.  

How does someone stub their toe in the backseat?  

The events in the story are so random it reads like a bad dream or hallucination.   Problem is, it's not funny or interesting, IMO.  Even wacky scripts like this need some sort of logic to them.

This and other scripts that I post on this site are just meant to be just random comedy shorts.  

I know I have work to do with my sentence structure and visualizing my point.  I`m reading more and reading some script books to get better.

Stubs toe from backseat? So bad it requires a doctor? Really? How?

I pretty much stopped there.

But thanks for posting this.

Hey Michael,

Thanks for the upload, I finished a draft on a piece of work today myself.
To celebrate I had a little weed and made some pizzas from scratch.
That being said, I still didn't get it, but the instantaneous preggers guy rocked.
Narrative jumps around lots, I have no idea who your main character is.
I think the doctor is more interesting than the patients that make a house call.

Regards,
E.D.

I think this poor guy might have been scared away from the site.

"This and other scripts that I post on this site are just meant to be just random comedy shorts.  
I know I have work to do with my sentence structure and visualizing my point.  I`m reading more and reading some script books to get better."

Yes, there are tons and tons of problems within this 4 pager (including some of the weirdest descriptions I've ever read) but if anyone has seen the Tim and Eric show on Adult Swim (awkward comedy at its best, not for everyone, but it has tons of fans) I think they would see where this guy was coming from with this short, which is basically a prototype for one of their skits.
He does have a sense of humor with a couple of genuinely funny scenes, despite the obvious problems, I'd hate to have this guy scared away from the site because his sense of humor isn't everyones taste.

I'd say 50% scared off...  Thanks for the comments.  

My dialog was meant to be kind of off beat to kind of berate the toe doctor.  Theres also no real main character or story here.  Just an event that would have no chance of happening and if it did, nobody would act like these people do.

Yeah, definitely adult swim humor. I never think of that when i read scripts. If I came across a Aqua Teen Hunger Force script, I wouldn't know what to say. I would think the writer is a joke, but I LOVE the show. Why? Because it's so random.

Maybe you're on to something here, Doug with a belt on top of his head 4080.

Had a good laugh while reading this. At first I was saying to myself, "He can't be serious. The plot is going nowhere and stuff don't add up." And then midway I caught myself saying, "Oh, he is." and I found it funny.

This is the type of humor you and your best friends laugh at when you're alone, away from the judging eyes of people who would label you weird for enjoying it.

Nice work, Qualemann. We're both new on the site so I can attest to the fact that posting here is a bit daunting. I mean, we're in the presence of people who've been doing this for a while, while we ourselves might have little or no experience at all.

All you need to do now is work on format, check grammar and spelling. Good job.