Stop The Press by Mark Hickman - Short - Alan wakes up in the middle of the night to find a masked intruder towering over his bed. 7 pages - pdf, format 8)

Well, your style and format were pretty clean here and this is a fast read.

SPOILERS

You never come out and say it, but I assumed Phil, the missing print man is the masked intruder?  And Alan is an innocent guy who lives at 23 instead of the perv at 32?  If that is the case, I think you need to add some details to the story.  Like, maybe show the outside of Alan's house with the number 23.  Or have Phil reveal himself at the end.  The ending right now feels hollow to me.  Because you held back some crucial details, the brutal irony of the innocent guy getting killed is lost.

If I read this wrong, let me know.

This was just okay for me. Writing style was fine but the story fell a bit flat at the end. There was no personal connection between the intruder and the two girls so I'm not sure if he knew them or just took it upon himself to be a vigilante. Also newspapers are not allowed to publish personal information such as this so it kind of ruins the logic behind your premise here. I would try a few different endings and see if you can find one that packs more of a punch.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hi Mark

I like the premise for this script but didn't really connect with any of the characters. I think you could get a lot more drama and tension going on if we know who the intruder is and can connect with him a bit more. I would maybe even give the intruder an accomplice so they can have a bit of banter between them - maybe one of them is chickening out.

I liked the mistaken identity angle and the writing style. This was a very fast read. I would maybe just extend it and give us a character to connect with.

Decent stuff as is though.

Ste

"Fukin ell" What does that mean?

I can't wait to see how these two stories relate. You definitely have my attention.

"No one sat at the desk"  This reads strange. I know what you mean, but you could have simply put "No one at the desk"

Before I finish reading I think I get the connection. Phil is going to be the killer. He read what happened and rushed over to the house and killed an innocent person. Let's see if I'm right.

"Allan begins TO sob"

Well, that didn't end at all like I thought it would. It was incomplete.

Okay, let me start by saying that a pedophiles address is no big secret. They have to tell everyone in the neighborhood so it wouldn't make a front page. Unless you are trying to say that this man has not been caught and they found him. Then I guess that would work, but someone in the news room would be arrested at the end of the day. I don't think you can put someones exact address in the newspaper, and if you can, definitely not a person that police are looking for. You would technically be aiding the the escape of a criminal. Or helping a murder in your case.

The ending didn't make much sense. Who was the guy being torchered ? Who was torchering the guy? It couldn't be because of the newspaper because it wasn't out yet. If it was in fact Phil, you didn't make that clear. You should have added a a picture on Phil's desk of a little girl that says RIP or something like that. And I'm only saying this if the killer was Phil, because I'm not really sure.

Sometimes your sentences would read strangely or stiff. Like "The Blood trickling from it down the side of his face." I know what you mean, but it can be read smoother than this. The only way to really improve that is practice.

Fix the ending, and this story would be pretty good.

If you have time, take a look at my newest script "Z Relief"

An interesting piece, intriguing, mainly because i didn't really understand what was going on.

From the beginning I thought it may be about a newspaper firm whom set up stories, make the news, i.e murder people in order to have a story to print the next day.  I thought you're meant to think that Bob and Jimmy had arranged a murder and were freaking out that they sent someone to kill the wrong guy, the twist being they weren't really concerned about killing the wrong man but just publishing the wrong house/flat number.  I quickly realised this wasn't the case.
So naturally finding out real meaning of the story from the comments was a little disappointing.

Reading it back now, it does make sense.  I think it just didn't twig with me that the empty desk with the photograph was in fact Phil's.

Leon

I found the topic interesting. A newspaper press guy who moonlights as a vigilante. What happens when the press prints wrong information?

There are some parts which seem a bit off for me. I'm pretty sure newspapers aren't allowed to print that kind of information on their papers. I mean, I think it's stipulated in the law somewhere and printing that stuff just overshoots the freedom of the press. I think it was defamation or slander or something.

Not enough is established, so I don't really pity Alan.

But I really like the dark and surprising feel though.

Lost me at page 5. Shorten the action. Good start.

So Phil is the guy who gets the chop at the end, is that right?

Good story and I enjoyed reading it - the ending is pretty horrific!

Re the legal aspect - here in England the newspapers are allowed to print the name and address of offenders (but not sure about paedophiles) so if Phil had recently committed some kind of offence it could be possible. We'd then have to assume that the killer had made a mistake.

Anyhow - well done - good effort!