Cliched characters, very one-dimensional, almost stock. The bubbly, Pollyanna, you-can-do-it! support system of friends, who serve no other purpose, villainous record exec only out to make profits, etc. Also, from your logline, most readers would think Kylie is the protagonist, and she isn't. 25 pages in, and she was only briefly in one scene.
The character Mandy is in her mid-twenties, yet she acts like a 16 year old girl. I don't know any 25 year old women who hang posters of teen idols on their walls, let alone kiss them.
Awkward writing, everywhere. Just put the script away for two weeks and come back to it. Trust me, you'll notice it.
This script does have a warmth to it though. With a few more drafts, it could be something. Reminded me of
Josie and the Pussycats, a very good teen musical comedy.
EDIT: Come on! You missed the biggest opportunity for a joke on page 85.
Code COREY
You didn't really trip over the fact that you
were in the same room as "Corey
Edmunds". |
|
Um, yes, she did. Quite literally in fact.
CLOSING THOUGHTS
CHARACTERS
I think you can combine Summer and Zoe because they basically fulfill the "best friend" archetype, but Summer is both a mentor and a friend, and the more well-rounded character, and you already have Cameron for the "domestic support" role.
Also, Vince was supposed to be the villain I'm guessing, but you really didn't do anything with him. A completely flat, useless character. Margie needs to be just that... marginal. She has too many lines, and you already have enough characters.
STORY/PLOT
I think you hit pretty much every cliche, here. From the pratfalls to the friend getting mad after being stood up, to the over the top fight scene. I could predict every single "beat" in those scenes, it was so tritely written.
The premise does not really work. I understand that Mandy didn't want to be in the spotlight, but in the beginning you hint at Vince bamboozling Mandy when Cameron says she was tricked by the "slipperiest of suits". We never find out how she was deceived. That whole plot point was completely dropped.
Besides the radio interview scene, there weren't any huge laughs. Also, drop the "love" story completely or rewrite it extensively. Very VERY weak.
As it stands, it's a mess. 4.5/10 stars. But as I said, there's a charm/warmth to it that kept me reading, but the premise is a little weak, and there are one too many mindnumbing cliches.