Tomorrow - Print Topic

Thanks SR. It was time for bed, but you know I respect your writing, so I take that the right way. Now, where's my bible, ah yes, today it's Cythia's book about John. There's loadsa ways to worship God. Hope he let's me in.

Speaking of which, thank you Don for putting me up. And putting up with me. Always appreciated. My best to you and yours.

R ox

There's honestly....nothing I can say about this. Except for the fact about how I strangely liked how calm Hugh was while everyone else was running around like "headless chickens." That was pretty interesting. What's in store for him tomorrow? How will it get worse? You're leaving us in suspense here, Rende...

Sean

Hey Ren,

Thanks for the upload and the read.
Hugh is one cool dude.
Maybe he should be PM eh? =p
I like his attitude and the pedestrian shuffle. I've done that before, heh.
BTW, is "barstards" spelled in correctly on purpose? =p

Regards,
E.D.

Ren, wow, you make it look so easy now. First impressions: This is a very nice, very competent, short script - pertinent to what's going on in the world. You pack enough political/social commentary and drama into a very short piece. Your main character is an 'everyman' most people will relate to and you've also got an 'Asian' character who it also turns out is an 'everyman' as well... and yet he's not, is he. Rhetorical, that. And then the irony of that last line. Bit like 'Crash'. Very simple, but quietly ingenious & effective. Right at the end, I chuckled at that dialogue - should make the audience think, that line, cause at first you just read it, then you think about it.

I'll have to read through again to see what I might critique negatively. Don't want you getting a big head or anything. Maybe there isn't anything to get. I'll see. N' I will let you know if I find something.

Where's that Craig btw? I miss him.

LC

P.S. Now if only I could master the art of squishing D&M into a short space.
Re ally is 1.5 pages in'it?
-----

Hey, I think this can be even shorted to one page, but that's not the problem I have, I didn't quite "get" what you're going for here. Is the last line of dialogue supposed to be a punchline? If it is, then it just went over my head.

Writing wise, you can introduce the MAN as HUGE right away.

Nothing much to add. I didn't understand it. I hope you can enlighten me your intention.

Herman

Herman,

I liked introducing him the way I did. And it's Hugh. He does a have a huge one, but we won't get into that here, kids might be reading. We'll have to wait for the water shed. It's beside the boat.

Here's the thing you may need to know. Governments in Europe and The US keep putting warnings of possible future terrorist attacks. Personally I'd much prefer they arrest the terrorists before they set off their bloody bombs. Call me old fashioned...

Regarding my last line, have you ever been in a city when a bomb went off? You have now. It's called Tomorrow.

LC,

Obviously my head is as HUGE as Jimi Hendrix's was. Plus I'm not dead yet. Still, the day is young. Where's my whiskey?

I too miss Craig. I recall him having a bit of a benny at the Mods one day and, being a man of his word, he promptly buggered off. Wasn't he from Derby. Bloody cold round there this time of year. He's probably got a sheep and is using it for warmth. The nights are getting longer and Ren is getting dafter.

I don't want you mastering the art of sqwuishing. I don't need the competition, thank you. Bloody Ozzies. Always nicking our best bits then...

ED,

PM? Couldn't be any worse than the last few. For a Tory DC ain't too bad. But he's still a bloody tory. Not living under them lot again.

I usually put a 'r' in bastards. Just an inflection quite popular with my gang in Manchester.

Sean,

Love the name Sean. There was one at school and daft people called See-anne. Fecking eejits.

It can always get worse, Sean. I've heard it can also get better. But then again, it's a fillum.

Thankyou all for the reads and comments. Appreciated as always. Keep cooking, and er, y'know.

Later

R ox

Ren,

It's pretty obvious you are posing questions here, and not looking to provide the answers; giving us enough to muse on the latent racist tendencies that underpin a certain view of the 'terrorist threat'. Viewing this through the lens of the working class man - and likely a product of Thatcher's failed generation - we see the world in narrow scope, or at least that was my interpretation.

Ambiguous and provoking.

Btw, apologies for not emailing you back. It's been pretty hectic over here. Would love for you to have a read, if and when you can.

Rendevous,
This deserves a double shot of 18 year old Jameson - it's not every night you can say you had two 18 year olds now is it? I like it. Then again I favour shorts that have something to say. Thumbs up.

Eoin,

I did last night. One was Stottish though - ran outta Jameson. A constant problem in this house.

Thanks, fella. For the comments, I procured the 18 year olds all on my own. I wish.

AA,

As perceptive as ever. You're right. Although I'm sure you're not a tory. Ah, political humour. Must behave. Left. I'm a proud unrepentant socialist republican. Although spending a billion Euro every year on a president when there's starving barefooted kids in our cities is a bit like having a Monarch.

However, some have so many shoes and full bellies. I'm glad I'm not a politician. I'm more your dissenter type.

Oh yeah, end rant, continue script stuff. Thank you Andrew. My life is also getting more hectic. It is better than being bored I say though. No worries about the email, fella. Keep doing what yer doing. Must be good.

R ox

I see threads getting locked. I hope they won't this one.

Er, I may have contributed.

Okay, if anyone wants a read, and I've not forgotten you Yeaster, read this, review and I'll return. I was gonna fix my house's drainage today. But, seeing as I'm renting and outta here soon bullocks to that.

I'll be clear. Wanna read stuff. Yeaster's first. Unless Stevie, Balt or AA PM or email.

And, for feck's sake, let's be good.

Bad as it is, we're not Chilean miners.

Up the miners!

R oxo

Hey Ren.

Good shot! Very nice. Concise thought provoking and dead pertinent.

Well done.

Martin.

Marty,

You're not Scorcese, are you? Oh, go on. Please.

Thank you. I've got a long list of return reads. For some bizarre reason you seem to be near the top.

Soon, if I fail, and I have occasionally, please PM me. I won't mind. Just don't hit me with mail when I'm in the middle of my method acting arguing mode. Seems to happen too often these days. What can you do? Everything, if ya put yer mind to it.

You can PM me anytime, as can anyone.

Thank you for the kindness. I need it today. Bad morning, know what I mean.

Cheers, fella

R xo

Hi Ren.

Yeah I know exactly what you mean. Been getting more than my fair share lately too.

Just keep on doin' it bro. S'all good!

best.

Martin.

RV

The writing was smooth and fluid, very nice to read but you hit me with one of the most abrupt endings ever. Mainly since its states (3 pages) on the script's thread…cue obligatory scrolling-down-in-vain reaction.

There’s a pertinent message here without it being rammed down your throat but I think it’s too vague and well, too general. There’s not much weight behind it, a moment of mutual understanding between two nationalities separated by the decisions and hang ups of suited men in government buildings. It sweet and life affirming in its own way but we've seen this before, many times but in greater detail and depth.

A noble attempt with (the making of) a good character plus an intriguing premise but I feel its too short, fleeting & surface scratching to pack the necessary punch this kind of subject demands, you know.

The resultant feeling from my end was firstly "What?!" (followed by the short whir of the mouse's scroll wheel) Then "oh (shrug)...Meh."

Col.

I was gonna let slip down the portal like some do in the vain home somebody will bump it up again, however, not my style.

Love you H, you tell me what I need to know. Naturally, I don't agree with all you say, I wrote it, but as per, you make good points.

It is too short. Which means you want more. So, I'd conclude I'm doing something right.

Wasn't my decision to say 3 pages. I'd say 1.5.

But then again, I ain't in charge. Me missus is. So she thinks.

Er, sorry. Just got horny. Well, we all do.

Right, thanks fella. Your words are always welcome in my world. Owe you, but shure, always have.

Keep up the good work CK. Do it well.

R ox

Well, to be really pedantic about things I'd gauge it at 1.25 pages.

And yes, you were on the cusp of something interesting before my aforementioned, futile, excursion of rabid scrolling took over.

To paraphrase your good self:

Love and poo biccies.

Col.

You make me laugh, Col.

Feckin' smartarse. I was beginning to think I was the only one. Goes to show: you never know.

So be it. Etc. Soon, fella.

I'm soundchecked and the support are shite. Should be a good gig. Here's hoping. Later.

R ox

rendevous,

What can I say other than it was a good read that makes you stop and think?

Nice job,

Cindy

Gig's over. Six people. And a man with a dog. The headliners suck so I came home. Ah well, rural Ireland in the middle of the week in a recession. I guess I'll still be pen pushing or typing mad stories till I die.

And yet I continue. Sometimes I wonder why I still bother performing. Then some kind soul points out the reason: Cos you love it, rendy.

And I think Yeah. I do. Being solo means you don't have to rely on a genius but shy guitarist, an incompetent drummer who thinks he's in Terrorvision and a frankly alcoholic bass player who falls over regularly. So much for the headline act. I know I'm missing nothing. But I rocked.

Er, oh shite. Wrong board. Please get a mod to copy and paste this on Sad Rockers Inc.

Whaddya mean, they're busy? You think I'm not? Frankly typical. Ahum.

Cindy, or CLK (almost looks like silk to my eye), hang on, I think I'm flirting again. So I shall stop. Of course, I could have deleted, but I've gotta learn that Radiohead song for tomorrow. It's a beggar to sing.

Oh yeah, I'm burbling. Back to The Point. Not the o2. Local humour again.

Thank you. You coulda said about my inner beauty shining out and I'm the new George Orwell. But honestly, I'm not, so I don't blame you.

As I've said to a few, I need the praise sometimes. Keeps me going. Now, I also have to learn a new U2 song. I hate The Edge. The talented multimillionaire genius of a guitarist across six frets with one hand type fella. How does it goes? Ah...

Thanks Cinders. Keep doin' what you like. I do.

Laters.

R xo

Ren,

What to say about this one...?

It's well written, but I'd expect nothing less.

I got what you were going for, I know how much you hate racism. Did it carry a punch? Was there enough irony to really make a statement? Was the fact that it was deliberately understated, enough?

Sorry Ren. Your better than this.

Maybe M3,

However, I've got me fingers in pies, and deals in the offing.

So far, a lot of talk, and a lot of promises. Nothing solid. Yet.

However, I did get advised about sticking stuff online for free, for all to see.

But, without SS I would be even more of a nobody than I already am.

I try and contribute, maybe only a little compared to before.

You get the idea. thought you might. I value opinions here, the vast majority. Here I have met some of the most honest and wisest people. And that is a fact I shall not forget.

Until tomorrow. You kids play nice now.

P&L

R xo

I enjoyed this script though, to be honest, I had to read it twice to understand it. It was too short to really develop characterization. Pacing was there; that's good.

SPOILERS

I'm not sure why, but I like the fact that the explosion wasn't right in the front of us/Hugh. It added to the realism of the piece.

Phil

DB,

I think it's good you read it twice. I kinda like that idea. Indeed it was too short for character development. Hence TII.

Pacing is nearly as important as dialogue. Oops, maybe the other way round.

Glad you thought it added to the realism.

Watched Children Of Men the other night. I was gonna do a similar scene to the one in the cafe near the start. Then thought, Nah. Do something else. So I did.

I'll find your OWC script soon to return. Thanks.

R xo

A couple people have had to read this twice to figure it out. I myself am part of this group.

In any case, I thought it was well done and I related to it, after so many people asking me about the terrorist alert here in Paris. The day's business as usual as far as I'm concerned. Hugh seems to feel the same.

A short review for a short script.

Quoted from James McClung

I wonder if reading it twice is good, or bad. Obviously I'll go for the former.

Thank you. It was a response to the news the authorities in England and Europe decided to tell their people their was a high probability of a terrorist attack soon. Nice. Maybe the secret services should deal with it. What the fuck we supposed to do? They do like to remind us They are out there.

And that soon after the inquiry and anniversary of the July London bombings. Extra nice.

Being Irish and growing up in England during the seventies and eighties gave me an uncomfortable experience of bombings and their aftermath. Not fucking nice at all.

"No Blacks, No Dogs, No Irish, No Gypsies."

We'd go in and have a pint. As we were leaving we'd tell them "You're a bunch of fucking arseholes. I have an Irish Black Dog who sells trinkets. He just cursed you. Fuckers"

I'm fucking sick of it. And sick of the bull that goes with it. Peace and love, kids. They should sort it out. If they can't, what exactly is their point?

Hugh knows the score. As do you. Don't believe the hype. You've more chance of winning the lottery than getting hurt in a terrorist attack. I also heard you're more likely to get hit by a meteorite. Pick it up and sell it. Better than the lottery.

You kids be happy. Don't buy The Fear.

R xo

p.s. Fine surname, sir.

R

If I'm going to read two of these scripts, I might as well read the first one right?

Well, not sure what to make of it. So far, this script is not for me.

I can't see a story in this script. I'll have to read the second one, maybe I'll find it in that one.

JT

JR,

You're in London and you can't see the story? Okay, I want you to imagine you are an Asian lad with a bag on the tube. Being Irish and of a certain age I empathise with the bull they have to put up with.

The script was a reaction to more warnings about possible terrorism.

For each their own. A lot of people disagree.

R x

RV

As usual you have me thinking. My head hurts. I think I got it. Not too much to say... short and to the point.

Good stuff

Ghost

Quoted from rendevous

I know what you're saying.  Being that I grew up in the bad parts, then coming to England only for a few people to openly say they did like me in the beginning just because of my accent and associating me with that scum the I.R.A.

Asians are the new Irish to me.  Getting mistreated just because of a few bad eggs.  And I work with quite a few asians and muslims and get to know how it really is here.

Then again, your script isn't a story to me but rather a very tiny scene.  Needs more to it to get the bigger picture.

JT

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal

RV

As usual you have me thinking. My head hurts. I think I got it. Not too much to say... short and to the point.

Good stuff

Ghost

Thank you GW. I'd like to take a perverse pleasure in making your head hurt. But that would go against all that Peace & Love Lennon style stuff I rant on about. As me Uncle says "Life is very complicated".

I hope it hurts in a good way. Good to see you round here. You help me relax.

Tomorrow I read. And review. If you did one, I'll find it. Speak soon, fella.

R xo

Jr...

Quoted from Jayrex

Then again, your script isn't a story to me but rather a very tiny scene. Needs more to it to get the bigger picture.

This is true. But, as balt said often, few read full length screenplays here. Attention spans are real short these days. Hence the length of my SS scripts.

I also decided, after advice, why give it all away online?

The Sandwich, Take Care and Tomorrow all have interest. Once I see the money, honey, I'll belive they may become film. I've a lotta promises. But I want a Poclain 90 digging holes. Or a killer shooting a fat guy. Or a kid climbing over rubble.

Such are things. Thank your for the comments, J. Made me think.

R

I apologize if the following comment seems unnecessarily harsh, but everything positive I wish to say has already been mentioned multiple times on this page.

This one really didn't work for me. I'm all for political commentary, but this just seemed preachy. It seemed as though it would be shown as a government commercial or something, but then the dialogue is layered with swearing. Again, I'm all for justified swearing, but this just seemed gratuitous. I also thought that the 'headless chickens' description felt inappropriate, inserting comedy into a place where it wasn't needed.

I do applaud the use of Manchester as a setting. It's a place far more films need to be set in.

This was well written. I liked Hugh's badass indiference in face of the threat. Interesting and funny as well.

A bit thin on plot you could say, and that's my only beef. But the theme is clear and springs naturally from the main character's attitude.

Well done.

huh? Luckily this was only 2 pages so I could read it more then once to see if I could get it.

Nope, no idea what the point of this was or if it even has one. Just seems so random.

I read some of the other reviews and noticed they got it with good explanations to what your script was about. (race issues)

I cannot pinpoint exactly why I like this short script.

My thoughts on this are quite messy, but I shall try to make this coherent as possible.

I like it because the brevity works to its advantage and leaves things to the imagination/moral beliefs of the reader.

I find it like a snapshot of life, of the differences of the races. Hugh the everyman, Hugh the every race.

I like it because it does not hold the readers hand and walk them through what its supposed to mean. I sort of find it like poetry; open to interpretation.This would make a great art short.

Please excuse me if I have posted the wrong kind of feedback. I just discovered the world of screenwriting.

Evening all,

Quoted from kurisuborosen

It seemed as though it would be shown as a government commercial or something, but then the dialogue is layered with swearing. Again, I'm all for justified swearing, but this just seemed gratuitous. I also thought that the 'headless chickens' description felt inappropriate, inserting comedy into a place where it wasn't needed.

I do applaud the use of Manchester as a setting. It's a place far more films need to be set in.

Glad you liked using Manchester. Russell T. Davies has been doing for a while. But not enough.

If you ever go to my side of Manc you'd see I played the swearing down. Some parts it's every other word, sometimes more.

Not sure you liked it all, for such a short script you seem to have found fault with virtually all of it apart from the location.

Thankfully, being Manchester Irish I have a thicker skin than most. And you ain't the new Pauline Kael.

But thanks for the read.

R ox

Quoted from Mr.Z

The Z Man. A read from yerself is always an honour. Your beef is justified, but this was just meant to be yet another slow neews day where the govts try to worry the populace into worry.

Thanks for the comments. Very appreciated.

R xo

TT,

Not sure why you didn't get it. If it was on film it might be clearer. I think many previous posters have pointed out what they got.

It is about race issues. And race assumptions. Being Irish of a certain age in the UK I sympathise with Muslims and Muslim looking people. They get a harder time than they should, as we did way back when.

It's about a bit more than that though.

Quoted from BRBellerophon

No, RCE, you have posted exactly the right kind of feedback. Bang on, in fact.

Well, a little criticism about what's wrong with it might balance your kind words. However, in the world of reviewing my scripts the omission of error or critique is completely unnecessary...

Thanks for read and comments, lads.

R ox

Quoted from rendevous

I didn't write any negative feedback because I don't see anything wrong with this script.
I would criticize its brevity, but then again it would only be because I feel that you haven't 'milked the cow dry'; this story would be interesting to develop further. But then again, if you lengthened that would defeat the purpose of this piece wouldn't it? Prolonging the script could result in the dilution of its meaning.

Maybe I'd say this was obscure, but that's the way normal people's lives are sometimes. Obscure. Plus, making the characters any more specific or developing them further would dilute its everyman value. Elaborating on Hugh or developing further would not make him an everyman. More so the Asian dude.

I like this mainly because its not stupid. Its smart, yet not overwhelmingly so that you cannot grasp anything being said or done. (See 'The Box', a bad egg of Richard Kelly.) I'm sure though, if you filmed this and showed it to a group of random people half would leave enlightened and half would leave wondering what the hell it was all about. Can't please everyone, though. :D

RCE,

Alwaysb thought V for Vendetta was an underated film. Wachoski backlash I suspect.

Now then, this struck me...

Quoted from RCE

showed it to a group of random people half would leave enlightened and half would leave wondering what the hell it was all about. Can't please everyone, though.

Exactly. And that's exactly what I intend to do.

T4 is being written. I'm watching the Dark Knight and Manhunter for inpiration.

Many thanks.

R ox

RW,

I was one of the few who quite liked Hannibal, but it ain't a patch on Manhunter. Er, Hugh is not gonna set fire to Phillip Hoffman in a wheelchair. He considered doing that to Matilda, but then she made him a nice cup of tea. He even got a biscuit so immolating her then seemed a bit strong.

Isn't RD the one with a blond Ed Norton. Ah yeah, it's not as good as the others but it's good. Far better than Hannibal Rising, which shoulda been great but didn't work.

Er, right. Back to the writing.

FADE IN:

EXT. NARROW COUNTRY ROAD, EIRE - DAY
Hugh and Matilda...

Oh shit, wrong window.

R ox