The Zombotard by Gary Murphy (murphy) - Short, Horror - When two bankrobbers hide out in an abandoned old house while waiting for a storm to clear they end up with a dinner guest they were not expecting. - pdf, format 8)

Haha funny stuff Murphy. First one I've read and it's a pisstake already!

Couple of things in there that are similar to my script, so yours must be good. Nice writing style, easy to read.

My biggest complaint is that you didn't name the rat. So he feels like a very generic rat with all the gnashing and chewing and knuckle-humping. I think we could empathize with him more if you gave him a name. Maybe Leroy. Or Graham. Yeah that would work.

I hope to see Ray go and film this himself with his garden hose and other garden-related equipment being used as props and for effects. Should be a spectactular result.

Cheers,
Tim.

Although clearly parody, I  actually enjoyed it for what it was.  I do hope these types of scripts are kept at a minimum, but fear the worse.  It was funny at times.  The Hawkings bit was good.  The 1st part of the script is very well written and shows the talents present, but I feel, and this is in no way a cut or blow, most will do these parody script for sanctuary.  They'll submit these kinds of scripts as a security blanket of sorts when/if they should come under fire.  Simple saying "It wasn't a serious attempt anyways".  When the writing skills shows otherwise.  Almost bleeding off the page and pleading with the reader just how good an actual OWC could've been from the writer in question.

Very well written, just not my idea of meeting the challenge.  It'll probably easily be the best of the parody scripts, though.  It was cleverly written, well written and very versed.  So for that job well done.  I just, as I said, hope there are more serious attempts.

3rd script down.  Very pleased so far... 3 very different attempts so far.

Murphy,

I have to say this was an excellent imitation of a Robotard script.  But I would also have to say that it had way too many asides.  And while the Robotard scripts also have too many asides which goes even further to prove my point that it was an excellent imitation, I hope that you  have now gotten those asides out of your system so that you can write a nice script in your OWN voice.

I liked the mouse because it sort of reminded me of Death of Rats from the Terry Pratchett books.  I didn't like the Thriller ending but I suppose there really wasn't much of a different sort of way that you could end it.

Good work.

Best rat in a Stephen Hawking killing spree ever!
You should check out the film, "Mulberry Street". =p
Thanks for the laugh.

Regards,
E.D.

Howdy Murph!  See, I told you not to have worried about it!

Despite being a parody - it's technically not a pisstake to me - the writing is still very fluent and visual, as Balt pointed out. This elevates it from the classic OWC pisstake IHMO.
Pisstakes are usually written in a fast way, while the inspiration is there; sure, this was inspired by the requirements, but Murph did his homewrok well, and still constructed a solid core of stroy, to go with black humour.

Good darts, Murph!

Hilarious!

Love the tribute and the notes.

Gotta echo Baltis and say your talent out performs the subject matter, but it's clearly done what you intended. Great job.

Yeah, this was funny and I agree with Balt that this will probably be the best of the parody scripts.

The asides were funny to start off with but I think you overused them.

Not a lot else to say - it was a funny script.

Ste

Murphy, if you were a mad scientist this script would be your abomination.   I liked how it started with the mouse and how everything connnected like falling dominos, but then it just got real old real quick.   Too much B.S. - even for a parody, IMO.   I like Robotard scripts, but even he knows when to pull back.  You went full bore ahead.

With all that said, it's clear to see you just decided to cut loose and have fun.  So, congrats for that.   You defintely got some talent.  I'll be curious to see what kind of a full-lenth feature you hammer out.

Murphy,

I see you changed a few things up but like Stevie said, nothing to worry about. Good funny script.

Balt does have a good point as well as Mcornetto. This was your getting back into the game script. Lets see those skills come through on something new soon.

Take care.

Shawn......><

Murphy,

Fun to write. Less fun to read. All the uber stylings turned me off.  I do marvel at how good you are at parody, makes me want to read other works of yours.

Gary

Horror/parody - Okay

It's a slow read, some clever bits, nicely irritating rather than funny, I think.  Those asides could be made into voice overs by an unseen narrator, no sense wasting them.

Murph,

I just watched the original Solaris then had a wander outside in the bright sunshine with the dog and the quiet and the birds and the insects. Sometimes living in a field up a mountain with no one around can be paradise. For some reason I could hear Russian voices and I felt almost like I was on alien world. Might have been the whiskey. Er, ah.

From the title page I guess you must be a Tenacious D fan. In which case you get cake, sandwiches And biscuits / cookies with your cuppa tea round my house. My where is my pick of destiny.

Smartarse transtions from the off. Okay. We'll go with it. I did read one from a black guy in L.A. about gang wars that started Fade Motherfuckin In:. It's a start...

This feels more like Bates Motel land than mine. Mind you, that's not saying much. My place is just plain weird. Like me. Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be writing about your script. Did I tell you about that transsexual the other night? I will, maybe later.

Not sure how you film the Smell Is Insane. I guess some could. Particularly with the right rat. Ah, you did!

I've done scripts with big bags of money in them. My my current big plot bags usually have whiskey or lager in them, how times change. Still, early days.

Lot of weing going on. Like a kids playground with we. And plain old instructions. Apart from that it's very good. But that's just me. I don't. So I get this strange feeling nobody else should either.

Bit hard on Madge. But made me laugh.

I get the feeling you're of the Shane Black look at me Now school of screenwriting. Somebody's gotta promote this stuff. A little less blatantly in the story perhaps. Oh, I dunno.

I'd have argued Einstein was. Or perhaps Jimi Henrix. But Stephen is nobody's fool.

Alright. This could go on all night. And I have to wash my underpants.

Good work. Bit crazy and showy. Which is like a bee calling a wasp too yellow and black. Fun and enjoyable. It reads like you drink more than I do. And have become addicted to the really strong cough mixture I was once so fond of.

Keep it up fella.

R ox

Murph, the first of the pissers..and I was worried mine would be accepted.  Ha!

Hey, listen, unlike many others, I personally don't have a problem with a pisstake, and as long as they're funny and have some sort of meaning, or reason to be, I'm cool with it.

I think you took this too far, honestly.  As a few others said, this was far from an easy read.  I think that's based on extreme over-writing, as well as just taking the piss too far.

I did laugh numerous times, but I also cringed and rolled my eyes numerous times.  As Cornie said, the asides were just WAY too overdone to the point they got irritating.

Story-wise, there really isn't one, sorry to say.  With many pissers, that's the case, but I thought you were actually going to have one here, based on the way things started out.

I will say that in places, your writing looks good, and it's obvious you have improved quite a bit from back in the day.  But at others, it's just too far out there, as if you're purposely trying to piss people off, and I don't think one should ever go that route.

I didn't hate it, but it was pushing the limit constantly.  When it's all said and done, I guess I can't to be too harsh on a script that references the same celebrity I used in mine.

Good effort.  Funny shit.  taking the old piss.

Okay, obviously a joke, but a very hilarious one. Definitely gonna piss people off but whatever. It was enjoyable regardless.

-Trent

Thanks for the read everyone, well nearly everyone.

Let me start by saying that although I think I have even called this a pistake myself, I am not sure it really is a pistake. That is I was attempting to take the piss out of the OWC nor the writers of more "serious" scripts. In fact I think I nailed the criteria of the OWC better than some of the entries I have read so far.

What this is though is me just wanting to have a little fun and try something different. I read something recently that suggested a good method for learning to write scripts was to try and write something in the style of a pro writer you like, just as an excercise. So this did start out as a horror short in the style of Shane Black, but very quickly evolved into more of a parody of that "Look at me, I'm the writer" style of writing that got popular a while back. Of course I soon remembered that Robotard had already done this so thought what the Hell, might as well go the whole hog.

I must say however that this short, while enjoyable to write, has still had some work put into it. It is not a pisstake in the sense that I just threw it together without a care, I have attempted to write a good, zom-com story amongst all the shlock. On that note I was very pleased that many seem to have at least recognised that, thank you very much for seeing that and your reviews are appreciated.

Thanks.

Here "Maggie PANICS...nearly SHITS herself. The house is so old it will be devoured by flames in an moment." - I don't know what I'm supposed to see on screen. However the first two pages were rich in description. I enjoyed your descriptions but I couldn't wait to get to the meat - so thinking 2 whole pages is too much for just a scenery set up.

On page 4 you have a strange note and I'm wondering if I should stop because I don't want to read a joke script. Cause if it is why you would need the comments at all?

I'm waiting to see how her little fire pays off.

I'm not left in suspense and I still have no idea what's it going to be about. I'm on page 5 and there's no conflict (sorry to say but I don't see one). Jack, the idiot is a lot of fun but you did not milk him enough. I think you could.

This seemed like it's about nothing. Maybe once I'll try to write something like this, a joke entry, I guess writing a really good joke entry is possible but very hard, much harder than all these serious stories.

Murphy,

Definitely with Phil on this one. Though, I did read the whole thing. Still, I didn't like it. If your gonna write a pisstake, it better be so funny I'm gonna laugh eventhough I don't want to.

Shit like this is why I didn't get into the last OWC. ON the other hand, I chuckled a few times. So I won't crucify it. The rat humping the dead hand was the highlight for me. After that, not much else worked.

I get pissed when I rack my brain all week trying to come up with an idea to fit the challenge. Hopefully not too many more of these. Or I my go Jwentotard and Don's delete button will be smoking.

James

Cheers for the read anyhow James, I certainly don't expect it to be liked by all, but appreciate the read all the same.

Thanks

Murphy,

Did you write this by any chance?  Read it if you haven't heard of it.  It's quite funny.  This thing reads just like it.

I laughed a few times during this.  Not LOL but there were some humorous moments, such as Stephen Hawking's involvement.  The main problem is that most of the humor is actually in your descriptions of things rather than the action.  If this were ever filmed it would be really weird.  I mean, it's kinda hard to convert a radio controlled car driven by Lindsay Lohan to real life.  

But I guess it does what you wanted it to do so I'll say it's nice for what it is.

Greg

Murphy,

There are parts of this that I liked, but I guess i line up on the side of those who thought it was overkill on the asides and parody.
I liked the story best when I thought the parody was going to settle on some campy horror.  Such as when Jack and Maggie return as zombies.  What I pictured was Stephen Hawking gunning his electric wheelchair from room to room to evade the zombies.  By the way, I liked the introduction of Hawking.  But not the Michael Jackson bit.
I see this story as a testament to strong writing skills, having fun and skinny-dipping on the dark parody side.  The story didn't grab me, but it felt like you put some time into it.  So it was not a wasted read.
Good effort and an interesting return.

Cheers.

Looks like the deleters have been at it again.

Too bad.  This isn't a bad script.  It is funny.  It succeeds in what it sets out to do.  Credit should be given to Murph where credit is due.

If people don't like reading pissers, they shouldn't.  No one's is making anyone read anything they don't want to.

Not going to talk about story, characters, etc. Because this is a great pisser, laughed a few times. But waaaaay too many asides.


Herman

There's something to be said about a rat that "almost pukes." Yeah, that's right. It was funny.

There's also something to be said about "pus" misspelled as "puss." Always makes for an amusing change of context... usually gross too.

You almost lost me with the hump and fart gags though. Ah, those two... always at the bottom of the barrel, aren't they?

For a while, I thought this was going to be the most well-written pisser I'd ever read. I mean, despite the amount of liberties you took, the writing was still pretty descriptive and interesting. If you'd have opted for intentionally bad writing, I would've dropped this right off the bat.

The "vegetables" joke... yeah, that was funny. Sorry.

And then... you know, if you wanted to write something completely retarded, you could've made the whole script like the last three pages.

The "Thriller" bit was kinda, sorta, a tad, not really but maybe a little funny. But when I said hump and fart jokes were the bottom of the barrel... I lied.

Random celebrity appearances are. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer would be proud...

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh... but wouldn't they?

Seriously though, what with the rat and the presence of over three human characters, you obviously weren't so happy about the OWC guidelines. And yet, it's like I said. The writing wasn't nearly as awful as you might think. If you wanted to write a pisser, why didn't you go all out and write something that was 100% feces?

Cheers James, glad some of it gave you a chuckle.

Have to pull you up on the guidelines though, nowhere did Don say we were limited to three characters. The criteria was for three actors. I think I did meet the challenge, although admit the rat might be a grey area.  

Hello Gary,

This is one of the most entertaining reads I've had the pleasure of reading in a long time.

I love this script.  What a fun read.  So quirky, odd & wonderful at the same time.

I'd love to see this get made just for the hell of it.

All the best,


Javier

1 - Story: Uhh... Yeah.
2 - Filmable & Budget: LOL! Nope. No one would spend a dime to salvage this.
3 - Horror & Audience: Horror only as in "WTH were you thinking?". The author would be the only audience. This isn't even good as an example of bad.  No date reference fail.
4 - Technicals & Format: Your spell checker works just fine!
5 - Title & Logline: The title is the best part of the story! Logline actually looks interesting.
General Comments:
A -  Should Don agree to an April Fools Day pisstake OWC I'll definitely be referencing this piece (of sh!te).
B - I can tell by the way you write that you have some brains in your head, I just can't fathom why you'd spend the time on this or submit it. I'm at a loss.
C - Favorite action and dialog:
The wheelchair STOPS dead in its tracks.
                 STEPHEN HAWKING [ELECTRONIC VOICE]
         Oh, fuck my life.
LOL! Honestly. I did.

Gary,

Um... well, weird.  :)  Seem to be echoing the board on this one, but I agree with the posters that say that you've "outperformed your subect matter."  You're literally too good for this script, and though you tried to hide by having a complete mental breakdown after page 3, it's clear from the beginning that you know what you're doing.  

You start with AWESOME description of some very interesting visuals, following the rat as he brings to light all of these discoveries for us... the blood, the hand, the money, etc.  I was hopeful at that point that I was in for more interesting visuals, a good story, perhaps something scary or a twist...  But then you gave us what you gave us.  For some reason you introduce Stephen Hawking, okay...  His backstory, and hell, his mere presence is somewhat unconventional, but hey, that's what makes it interesting.  Next thing I knew, everyone was a zombie and they were dancing and singing a song, the rights to which would cost far more than all of the CGI and practical gore effects in your production combined.

And that's not the weirdest part...  The weirdest part?  Why the hell is there a Jack-o-lantern in an abandoned house?  As far as I can tell, either the house has only been abandoned for a few days or the bank robbers brought it with them...  Just joking with you.  :)  It was a fun and interesting read overall (I won't go into your "asides" which I'm sure you know would get you laughed at by any producer or director looking at your script, though as a general reader I'll admit they were pretty funny) and based on your opening, I'd like to read something of yours that takes itself more seriously.

-Brian K. Millard

I think I agree with a lot of people here. It was annoying, stupid, over-written, but clever in certain places. A couple things had me chuckling which bodes well because I don't like pisstakes. Never have, probably won't, either.

Not much to say that hasn't already been covered, you know? Just... good luck. =)

Haha, a good laugh. Lacked direction in parts, seemed like you were just writing the first things to come into your head. Went a bit over the top with the final act, no need for this really.

I'll agree with others that you definitely have some talent writing. A fun read, hope there arn't too many like it but if so hope their as good as this was.

Gary,

Not sure if you are into facebook or not.  Robotard 8000, the writers of "Balls Out" have a facebook page.  I made a little wall post on their (its?) wall:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/The-ROBOTARD-8000/62697326181

If you can't read it, I'll keep you updated on the response, if any.  Hope you take it in the spirit in which it was intended.


The posting was:

Quoted from Don We do this little One Week Writing Challenge every October. One guy wrote an homage to "Balls Out" - http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1287190968 Of course I've banned him from the site...

Lol, cheers. Any exposure to my amazing talents are more than welcome, like they say there is no such thing as bad publicity.  ;)

I read somewhere that one of the Robotard writers is actually one of the writers for South Park. No idea if this is true or not, but maybe this script might land me my dream job of writing for South Park? haha, I will write a character for you Don.


Thanks again to everyone who read my script btw, much appreciated, it got far many more reads than I expected, and it deserved. There were some great scripts in the OWC this time, many that deserved a read more than mine.

Quoted from Murphy Lol, cheers. Any exposure to my amazing talents are more than welcome, like they say there is no such thing as bad publicity.  ;) I read somewhere that one of the Robotard writers is actually one of the writers for South Park. No idea if this is true or not, but maybe this script might land me my dream job of writing for South Park? haha, I will write a character for you Don. Thanks again to everyone who read my script btw, much appreciated, it got far many more reads than I expected, and it deserved. There were some great scripts in the OWC this time, many that deserved a read more than mine.

Gary,

Robotard 8000 are Malcolm Spellman http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1173259/ and
Tim Talbott http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0848003/ (Talbott did write for South Park for quite some time.  

Cheers Don, I did read right then. They were already high in my estimation for Balls Out, now adding South Park into the mix they might actually be the greatest scriptwriters ever to live.  ;D

I noticed in the script that at one point you describe the smell.  Unless we are using smell-o-vision, I don't think the audience will pick up on that.  I'd change it if I were you.

Quoted from kurisuborosen I noticed in the script that at one point you describe the smell.  Unless we are using smell-o-vision, I don't think the audience will pick up on that.  I'd change it if I were you.

Actually I think its a good point to make, as it gives me a chance to tackle head on one of my most hated screenwriting "rule".  That is the one that suggests that you should never write anything that is deemed to be unfilmable, such that there is a nasty smell in the air.

Imagine your scripts gets produced, David Fincher is going to direct and Brad Pitt is going to star. Brad Pitt picks up the script and reads the next scene to the shot. The script describes the room and mentions that there is a nasty smell in the air.

Brad Pitt is an actor, he is paid a lot of money to act, it is entirely possible that Brad Pitt will enter that room covering his nose and mouth, maybe making a facial expression that portrays disgust. As an actor he can portray lots to the audience, if its in the script he can act it out.

Now if it is not important to the story then there is an argument to be made it does not need to be there. But if the stench in a room has a meaning then it most certainly needs to be in the script and most certainly is filmable. The last thing you want to do is write it into your dialogue, You don't want characters telling each other how bad the smell is, you want your audience to experience it with the characters.

So when the next person tells you not to put unfilmables in your script you should tell them to piss off and stop talking nonsense!

;)

I like asides, -ing words, unfilmables and orphans and windows so long as they don't get out of hand and help move the story rather than slow it down.  Toss whatever stems and helps your creativity into your script, that's what I say.  

The Analyst, Agent/Producer/Director/Reader; like your teachers in school -- some are more strict than others.  You'll realize this the more and more you have your scripts looked at.

Quoted from Murphy So when the next person tells you not to put unfillable in your script you should tell them to piss off and stop talking nonsense! ;)

As long as they are pertinent to telling the story.  

You wouldn't want to write "there's unseen lint in the dark under the couch".  If the lint is not important to the story.  And if it is important, even Laurence Oliver would not be able to show that by emoting.  So I would definitely bring that up as an issue.  

Or if, for instance, you wrote the action "The price of tea in China is less expensive than the price of tea in Japan."  While informative and  possibly important to the story, it's pretty useless to add it to a screenplay unless you've concocted some way to either show it or have a character say it.

So while I agree that pertinent unfilmables can be useful in a script.  They can most certainly also be useless wasted space.


  

Yes, I agree. If it is not part of the story or important to the plot then it does not need to be mentioned at all.

I think as long as a writer does not carried away, little tidbits telling us the price of tea in China or other such nonsense is actually sometimes okay with me. I like to be entertained when reading a script and often good writers will throw something in that is totally unfilmable in order to entertain, or make us chuckle, or even to educate. I think it is often overdone but there are plenty of example where it is done well and does work. Script readers do not seem to mind it as much either judging by some of the scripts they recommend.

Like with anything, It had better be good and it better not be overused.

F***ing loved it mate, brilliant.

Mojo

Quoted from mojomccann F***ing loved it mate, brilliant. Mojo

That is going on the poster!!

Thanks.

This is the first thing I've read on here. Good stuff. I haven't really read any of these 'piss taker' parodies before, so a good first.

I wonder - and I am a newbie, I write novels - about all the great stuff you've got in here that can't be seen/used. I know it's mostly for the readers’ sake but it just feels like a waste! At least put some of the goods in a stupid voice over or something.
I loved the rat intro. Surprisingly, the hand humping was a highlight. This is very well written.
Of course, it does come across a little stand up-comedy-look-at-me! Gah. Especially toward the end, but I guess that's the whole point - right?
  :)

Quoted from goregal This is the first thing I've read on here. Good stuff. I haven't really read any of these 'piss taker' parodies before, so a good first. I wonder - and I am a newbie, I write novels - about all the great stuff you've got in here that can't be seen/used. I know it's mostly for the readers sake but it just feels like a waste! At least put some of the goods in a stupid voice over or something. I loved the rat intro. Surprisingly, the hand humping was a highlight. This is very well written. Of course, it does come across a little stand up-comedy-look-at-me! Gah. Especially toward the end, but I guess that's the whole point - right?   :)

Hey, welcome to Simply Scripts Kiwi, I must say I am honoured that you have read my little piss-take first. You show great taste and will no doubt be welcome around here. Problem is now you have read something of mine it is all downhill from here! Nobody else can hold a candle to me round these parts, as you will no doubt soon find out, although it does not seem to stop them from trying. I like to think of myself as a beacon glowing calmly in the stormy seas, helping to guide people away from the rocks of mediocrity. I am a lighthouse.  

I joke of course. Seriously, yes, you guessed right, this was just an attempt to write a script in the style of the "look at me" style of screenwriting that was threatening to explode before people got wise to it and quickly shot it down. I wouldn't recommend you try it yourself though, not a least until you become as good a writer as me.

Thanks for the read, I will keep an eye out for you posting something here and will return the honour.

Cheers.

A beacon of light indeed. And very modest too, I see.

Quoted from goregal A beacon of light indeed. And very modest too, I see.

My middle name.

Nah, I am crap really, anyone will tell you that, in fact this is the only thing I have written in 12 months. My main focus at the moment is writing 20 pages of a screenplay then giving up to start another. I have hundreds of them, I might be the most prolific screenwriter in the business, at least for page one's that is.

There are some much better writers round here, as you shall soon find out.

Cheers.